Ares: "You know what your problem is."

Aph: "Duh! Your little Xena!"

Ares: (Makes buzzer noise) "Gabrielle, her friend. See, I only made the warrior. She made the legend. Have you read any of her so-called stories? Huh. A warrior who loves the common person. You'd think she was a goddes. Pretty soon, when people think of 'love,' they're gonna think Xena, not Aphrodite."

Aph: "Xena?"

Ares: "Don't blame her. It's Gabrielle and her busy quill. That's your problem."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joxer: "'Fishing. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.' That's a funny phrase. I can't find anything. I must've come here on my own. What do we do now?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aph: (Whistles) "Did the little blonde girlie scare the big, hairy men?"

Barbarian: "We are barbarians. We fear nothing."

Barbarian's Voice: "Yeah."

Barbarian: "We fight-- with the heart of a lion."

Aph: "And you run with the feet of a chicken. Now-- get back on your horsies-- and go back after her."

Barbarian's Voice: "Yes, Ma'am."

Aph: (Sighs) "Barbarians."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ares: (Screams) "My powers! What's happened to my powers?! You! Whaddya done to me?"

Gab: "Um-- it's, it's not my fault. I-- I, I can fix this. Um-- um-- 'The- the force that enchanted the scroll lost its powers.'"

Aph: (Screams) "Whoa. Wipeout."

Gab: "Hmm."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ares: "Are you out of your mind? You gave this blonde harpie powers of destiny?"

Aph: "No, I enchanted a scroll. And don't act so surprised! You wanted me to do it."

Ares: "No, no, see-- what I wanted-- was for you to go after her, so we could get Xena out of the way."

Aph: "Exsqueeze, me. It worked-- kind'a."

G: "Wait a minute. You wanted Xena out of the way, so you enchanted my scroll?"

Aph: "Ares was being his ususal manipulative self. He's got some army somewhere, ready to pounce on the valley. He wanted Xena out of the way, so he wanted to get me mad at you."

Ares: "You figured that all out by yourself, did you?"

Aph: "Hey, don't believe everything you hear about blondes. Look, Sweetpea, just give me back my powers-- then I'll unzap the scroll."

Ares: "No, no-- write mine back in first. That army's waiting for me to give them a signal that Xena's gone."

Aph: "Mmm-- not helping your cause any, Slick."

Ares: "Oh. I promise, if you give me my powers back, I'll call off the attack. OK?"

Aph: (Laughs) "Pigs can fly?"

Ares: "You can."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gab: "'Suddenly-- there was the arrival of the woman-- '"

Ares: "'Leather'-- mention the leather."

Gab: "'-- wearing leather-- and, um-- [laughs]-- black hair-- carrying her chakram.'"

Joxer: "Wait. Does anybody really know what a chakram is? And does the scroll know it?"

Gab: "'-- carrying the whip of Xena.'"

Minya: "I'm here. I don't know why-- but I know I'm here-- to do something."

Gab: "Minya?"

Ares: "Who is this?"

G: "This is Minya. She's our friend. She wants to be Xena-- and she has Xena's whip."

Minya: "Never leaves my side. So-- who's the stud, the dork, and that bottled blonde?"

G: "This is Ares, Aphrodite-- and Joxer."

Minya: "Wha-- Ares-- god of war!"

Ares: "Hm-mm."

Minya: "And Aphrodite! You're the goddess of love! And Joxer-- sorry, Bub, never heard 'a ya."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

G: "I, um-- I'm not really good at-- writing action."

Ares: "What? You follow Xena around-- you-- you follow Xena around all day-- you write stories about her. How do you do this without writing action?"

G: "You see, I use metaphors. I write, 'Xena burst on the scene in a blaze of glory.'"

J: "You do that, we'll be picking her up in a million pieces."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Minya: "You know? I expected more from the god of war. I mean, without his powers, he's just another man-- just another-- big old-- leather-clad-- well-muscled-- gorgeous, hunk 'a-- bad-boy-- man."

Rob Tapert, Executive Produer, H:TLJ (RT): “Ahh! Oh, no. I’m blind! I swear, from now on-- I’ll _sing_ in the shower instead. I’ll-- Who is this, and why are you calling me at-- 6:02, A.M.?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jerry Patrick Brown, Head Writer (JPB): “Paintball ain’t just a game, soldier. It’s a metaphor for life! It’s survival of the fittest! Search and destroy! Kill or be killed! These are a few o’ my favorite things. Abel, Baker, Charlie, niner, niner-- identify yourself, come on! Liz! You on a secure line? Uh-huh. I’ll be right there.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ares and Callisto are playing “Rock, Parchment, Dagger.)

Cal: (Laughs)

Ares: “Hmm! Dumb blonde!”

Cal: “Hey!”

~~~~~~~~~~

Narrator guy: “This is the story of a time long ago-- a time of myth and legend-- when the ancient gods were petty and cruel-- and they plagued mankind with suffering. Only one animal dared to challenge their power-- Chimpules!”

~~~~~~~~~

Ares: “Yes-- pretty soon, my brohter’s _legendary journeys_-- will be but a distant memory-- and I’ll be able to watch ‘Millennium’ in peace.”

Strife: “I miss ‘Cop Rock.’”

Herc’s Voice: “Oh, I’ll sing something for you.”

~~~~~~~~~

Herc: “Hmm-- have your people call my people. We’ll do lunch.”

Ares: “He starts to mime-- he’s a dead man.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Herc: “Ares-- do you have any idea what’s going on, here?”

Ares: “I hate to admit it, but I’m as much in the dark as you are. Annoying, isn’t he?”

Herc: “Oh, yeah.”

Aph: “Yoo-hoo! Geronimooooo! Woo-hoo!”

Ares: “You gotta hand it to Sis-- she really knows how to make an entrance.”

Aph: “Huh! Now, that’s a rush-and-a-half! And I was hoping it’d cheer me up, but no such luck. There’s a big problem. Zeus is dying.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ares God of Love: “Ohh-- it is times like this I regret the fact-- that I’m a lover-- not a fighter.”