by Kim
Disclaimers: The characters in this story aint mine and (do I have to say it) they never will be!! *cries mournfully over the loss of Ares* They are being used for fan fiction purposes only and I am making no profit from it.
Subtext: NO!!!!!! (I really do mean to be a member of the IHG club very soon!)
Violence: It’s Xena; but I’m doubting it.
Anything Else? Well I have no idea when this is set but it is definitely before the whole Eve thang and I would like to mention that this is not the best work I’ve ever produced. It’s late and the only reason I’m writing it is because I’m putting off other work and I’m getting withdrawal symptoms!! =0)
Feed Back: Please go easy on me but all feedback can go to kim@xenafan.com all comments are welcomed!
It always went deeper, even then. It was supposed to be just sex, a working relationship. He gave me his help and support in battle if I gave him my loyalty and well…. Anything that he required. It was a fair deal; I was young and naïve when I first came to pledge myself to him. It was deeper…I thought that it was just his way, an impression that he had taken years to develop. I realised though, that it couldn’t have been just that. He would take me out training, showing me things that he knew I had never seen and had no chance, in my life, of ever seeing. He took me to see the most beautiful waterfalls, the most sacred forests...always we made love. It was always one on one though and for those few hours I was which him I think the greed and power lust within me receded a little, we would talk of war and of power but on a purely philosophical level, sharing our views and our hopes.
Hope; when I first came to him I had none. He showed me though, not only in the ways of war, but in the ways of making love, the ways of being cold hearted when I needed to be and in having HOPE. He never wanted me to be disappointed, so his theory was that you should never hope too much, but he would tell me his deepest thoughts. When he thought I was sleeping we would whisper to me, tell me what he did during the day and of how he cared for me above all his other followers. I was cruel and heartless only when he was out of sight, only when I had no-one to control my bloodlust. When I think back now I think of all the lifes that he saved just by being with me…the many more deaths I could have caused. The thoughts make me shudder, the evil being that I once was. I could never go back to being like that; my everyday life as a warlord was simple but it lacked compassion, it lacked feeling; what I miss, what tempts me so much, was the smoothness of it all, the structure of it. I miss the knowledge I held, the knowledge that some-one loved me for who I was through and through and would always be there to help me out. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time; I doubt I would have even realised the possibilities that it offered. The ways in which I could have manipulated the power source which I held in my hands. I did hold it, oh I know it sounds strange to admit, that Ares is all powerful but it is the truth. He is a God and the power that he holds is indescribable, he can do what he wants, when he wants to do it and he could not be stopped by anyone but Zeus himself, who would find it a very difficult task.
I felt nothing though, I lived for Ares, I would have died for Ares and though I loved him I had no way of comprehending what that meant. It was the only other thing I felt that wasn’t bloodlust and pain and in the end those two emotions would have won over what I felt for Ares. Those two emotions would have forced me to manipulate him rather than care for him because I was a monster; I thought myself incapable of loving. I thought I was loyal to Ares only because he had the means to help me rule the world; it seems ironic to me now, that I was so cleverly deceived, the power I wanted was there, but I was too power crazed to see it. I thank Ares; he knew. He knew what I was and what he couldn’t show; I really ought to thank him one day. Then again I’m too afraid, he still has the power, what if I use him for it? What if it just makes me cruel and ruthless again if I had it at my fingertips? What if? There are times, in the night, when all I want is his arms, all I want is his voice, then there are times when all I want is his throat, is his blood on my hands. A part of me, even realising all of this, hates him for the things that he has done, the ways that he has since tried to use me. I cannot understand him, I cannot begin to think what he thought he would gain. May be I should rephrase that. I cannot think of any sane reason for it, he could have had me if he had wanted, we both knew that. I still know that, I still don’t think that I would be able to hold out against him. Was he trying to push me away? It hurts, it hurts like red hot metal on my heart to think it, but Ares isn’t stupid, he is always in control and he always knows exactly what he is doing. I can only think, because of this, that his aim was hurt me, was to make me hate him, was to make me not want to be near him….but how could he do that? That’s how this guilt I feel creeps in, perhaps I hurt him first. Perhaps he doesn’t like who I am anymore, may be he wants to punish me for it? I couldn’t bear that. I’ve been hoping that’s it’s because he still cares, but, this cannot be the reason, can it? He must despise me for the way that I have left him, for the way I shoved the door he opened for me back into his face; I didn’t even goodbye. I never explained…and although I think that he understands, may be he just never did? Ares is Ares after all and he would never read my mind. May be I should explain? I wouldn’t be able to live knowing that he hates me; not after what he ultimately did for me, and I know that he meant to do it, I know that he saved my soul and he did it because he cared. I have to know….it will give him the opportunity to manipulate me, the opportunity to humiliate me and take advantage and to kill me. It always went much deeper though, is it still true?
Xena stopped writing and a fierce light entered her eyes, she had to go to him and explain. She looked at the night sky and then Gabrielle a sleep on her bed roll. Then, knowing that she would be back before morning, she dressed herself in her armour, picking up her chakram and sword and ran into the forest.
“Ares!” She called, almost shouting as she reached the temple. It had taken longer than she had thought to get there and she was going to lose her nerve, then she had seen the temple and the need had increased. She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of hurting him.
“Ah, princess..” Ares started, then all comebacks died on his throat, his princess was soaked in sweat and there were violent red streaks across her cheeks, where she had obviously been scratched. “Whoa..” Ares uttered before his instincts took over. He scanned the area with his godly powers very quickly, putting up a field around the temple and closing the doors. Then he came closer to Xena and took her chin in his hand.
“What happened?” He asked, looking into her eyes, almost demanding the answer form her, but his voice sounded a little forced.
Xena’s eyes were fixed on his but the question he was asking couldn’t really register, it was as if she didn’t understand. She realised that he was referring to the scratches on her face; she had felt each one of them being torn into her skin by the bushes that hung in her path on the way here, but his question didn’t fit. She was about to drop from exhaustion she realised.
“I need to sit down.” She said, her voice was strained and her exhaustion showed through in it. It was not that the run had been too tiring for her, it was the emotional turmoil inside of her that had weighed her down and made her legs feel like lead, now it was as if her chest was constricted, she couldn’t quite get her breath, as though she refused to show this to Ares as he stared so intently at her, as soon as he broke the stare though, she practically collapsed and had to hold onto the pillar stood beside her to keep up right. He was still so close though and she had to get herself together she realised, but at the moment all she wanted to do was sleep and make the awful feeling in the pit of her stomach go away.
“Ares.” She said, causing his eyes to come back to hers, she noticed that eh had been assessing the damage that had been done to her, examining the scratches on her arms and legs.
“Xena you look like you’ve just fallen down a cliff face, what’s wrong?” He asked, he obviously wasn’t going to try and make this conversation into an argument, he was expressing his concern. Xena was a little relieved, with that concern in his voice he couldn’t hate her, could he?
“Hate?” Ares exclaimed looking at her like she was Athena confessing her love for Apollo. Xena’s eyes flashed as she realised that she hadn’t said that out loud after all and that Ares had invaded her privacy by reading her mind, something he had promised never to do. She saw his face though, the surprise on it, the hurt statement that was beginning to settle on it and she almost smiled.
“Xena, I could never hate you. I-I- I care about you more than anyone else, you know that.” He said not sure whether he should confess any feelings for her, but he had felt the pain it had caused her to think of him, Ares, hating her and inside he was silently relieved.
“You invade my privacy and now you insult my intelligence.” Xena said solemnly, wishing to Zeus that eh was telling the truth but realising that it probably wasn’t true, it was just the fact that Ares had seen exactly what she wanted to hear.
Ares finally realised his mistake, he finally noticed that she hadn’t said those words out loud and he cursed himself for it. “Xena, I didn’t read your mind, I’m sorry for invading your privacy but honestly, I didn’t mean to do it, your thoughts were just so loud and you know the bond we have…” Ares tried to explain, getting stuck on which words to use, wondering if Xena was actually angry or just disappointed with him. If she was disappointed with him, he didn’t think he would be able to last the rest of the night without tracking down the Hind’s Blood Dagger, he wouldn’t be able to stand the look on her face, the accusing looks in her eyes; all aimed at him.
The bond, Xena tried in her mind, she couldn’t completely rule it out, but could she really trust him either? She was so tired and she couldn’t stand this not knowing, these mind games they had been playing over the years had gotten out of control. She had to try the straight route she knew, she had to know.
“Ares..” She started, looking into his eyes to see if she should carry on… “It always went deeper didn’t it?” She started to question, knowing that she was risking everything in those few words and the words that would follow, the words that were bound to come. She had to know though and to know, she had to ask, she had to look into his eyes and ask him, honestly and sincerely.
“Ares; Did I mean anything? Do I?” She continued, knowing that her eyes were filling with tears, knowing that it would scare him, knowing that she had cried like this, for no reason other than that purely of emotion, for many years. She wouldn’t let the tears fall though, she kept them back as she tried desperately to read his face as he appeared to weigh up the question.
He wanted to answer her honestly, truthfully and tell her that he loved her, with all his heart but something was stopping him, A question of his own was burning in his throat. As the tears welled in his own eyes, as his emotion threatened to run away with his control he swallowed, holding them back and asked his question; “Why did you leave me Xena? I knew that it was for the best and I stuck by your decision but why did you have to leave me? I would never have hurt you or betrayed you…why?” He asked, his voice was trying to hold back the emotion, but it was an almost impossible task and Xena could make it out, he felt betrayed, hurt and humiliated, he simply didn’t understand why and right now was the only time he would ever get to ask.
A single tear rolled down Xena cheek, she had to answer to that emotion and try to justify it, but there was so much of it, so much emotion that even Ares couldn’t hold it all back and her heart was almost breaking thinking about it. It was what she had come for though, wasn’t it? It was the reason that she had run all the way here and called out his name in the first place.
“I was a monster Ares. I had no compassion, no ability to forgive in my heart; my heart was almost dead. Except for the bit that you preserved. I didn’t recognise it for what it was though…how could I? I thought the reason I stayed with you was because you would bring me the power I wanted; I thought that that was why I stayed loyal to you. It wasn’t the truth though, I was deceiving myself and you knew it, you still do Ares. I no longer wanted the power and so I no longer needed you. At least that’s what I thought, it’s taken me so long Ares to realise what it was, so long and you were pushing me away; I thought that you hated me, that I had betrayed you too much had hurt you too much by leaving. I didn’t even say goodbye!” Xena said with tears rolling down her soft cheeks as Ares looked on, taking in her words, realising how they were the truth, her eyes clearly showed that.
“Have I been a fool?” he asked her, looking at the floor.
“I’ve been the fool Ares; you did exactly what was right for me, all along. Even when you were promising me everything as a warlord I never realised that I could have had it and it was thanks to you, you protected me from the corruption of the power that you hold. How can I thank you for that? You’ve saved my soul, you made me realise how much more there is to life.”
“I’ve only made your life ten times worse Xena and I regret it everytime I think of you. I never meant to hurt you so much Xena but over the years, it’s gotten out of hand, there have been times when you would have killed me if you could have, the hate in your eyes Xena…I caused it all. I’m so sorry for it all, but I can never take it back.”
“I forgive you. You did those things for the best Ares and thought it got out of hand it was the lesser of two evils, and you prevented the other.”
“You’ve never done anything wrong to forgive Xena, but it want it, you’re forgiven. I love you and nothing will ever change that.”
Xena was taken aback by the clarity of which he had said those words, she knew it went deeper but to say it, to finally admit it, it was more than she had ever hoped for.
“I love you too Ares and I always have. Where do we go from here?”
“You’re shaking like a leaf..” he commented and drew her closer into his own embrace, giving her the support she needed to be firmly on her feet. He gently kissed the top of her head and thanked Aphrodite and all of the other love gods that Xena was in his arms again, he had felt so alone without her, just her smile would have brightened up his year if it had been aimed at him. Xena tried to bridge anymore space that there may have been in between them, pulling his hips closer to hers and placing her head on his shoulder, gathering all the warmth from him that she could, trying to stop her shaking limbs.
“Can I stay here Ares?” She asked him, knowing that she couldn’t get back to Gabrielle in the state she was in.
“I’d only be happier if you were to stay forever.” He whispered back in her ear, taking her through the aether to his bedroom in less than a second. He felt her muscles tense underneath him but then she relaxed again as they appeared in the bedroom.
Knowing where they were Xena closed her eyes on him shoulder and let him take more of her weight, aware that he could manage it. Ares placed another kiss on her and then picked her up, carrying her over to the bed that was covered in black satin sheets. Xena felt the material under her back when he placed her on the sheets and she sighed at the familiar feel of them.
Ares got up to go after he had placed her on the bed, not wanted to invade her privacy, he had offered his love and she had said that she felt the same, but he didn’t know how she wanted to talk things, and he would only do what she wanted him to, nothing more; he had survived long enough without her and he wasn’t about to risk it again.
As he neared the door he realised that Xena was watching him from the bed, her eyes now fully open and herself a little more awake than she had been.
“Ares, come and lay with me, only until I fall asleep if you want, but I’m cold.” She said to him, knowing that he would understand what she meant; she wanted him to hold her.
Ares smiled and came back over to the bed, taking off his vest and appearing with more comfortable clothing on, baggy silk pants (trousers). He slipped into the bed with Xena, pulling her in close to him and the pulling the covers over them.
For hours he laid there taking in her sleeping form, even when the sun began to rise he watched the shades on her face alter, noticing that her beauty was only enhanced, he couldn’t help but fix the scratches on her face and body as she murmured softly in her sleep when one particularly deep cut on her arm touched the covers.
He didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want Xena to wake up and be worried about her daily life, he wanted her to stay as peaceful as she was now, as she slept. To try and prolong it he cast a protective shield over Gabrielle, making her sleep for longer without endangering her.
He watched his hope begin to rise for the day ahead, Xena and though he didn’t know what problems this day would bring for them, he did know that they shared a love and that they would always belong to each other and have that unbreakable bond which would hold them together for eternity…