Reminisce by Magenta
the_AURYN@angelfire.com
copyright 2001 Kimyoo Films

disclaimers: I do not own any Xena character. I just like to play with them. This story is written for the purposes of entertainment, not profit...nor prophet... Studios USA / Renaissance Pictures / Universal / MCA / Ovid / Homer / Ancient Greeks do...so there.

Reproduction of this story is limited to that of “personal use.” Please don’t go trying to sell this story as yours, okeday? Okeday.

I do not own the song “Gloomy Sunday.” I don’t know who DOES, but it was written by Rezso Seress and Lazslo Javor in 1933. For the sake of this story, it was actually written by one of our girls. ;) The English translation of this song is from the San Fernando Valley Folklore Society’s Urban Legends Reference Pages. More information about “Gloomy Sunday” (and the Urban Legends surrounding it) can be found at http://www.snopes.com/music/songs/gloomy.htm

warnings: R-rated for love between two women and for violence, tho not at the same time. Sorry, folks, no BDSM...lol

THIS IS NOT A HAPPY, SNAPPY STORY, PEOPLE! If you don’t want to cry or be depressed, please don’t read this. And before I start getting letters: No, I’m NOT depressed or suicidal. lol

spoilers: yes, there are spoilers for various episode throughout the run of Xena: Warrior Princess. This story’s timeline would be in the sixth season. I, like TPTB, have changed some details to fit the vision I have in my head. lol

Big hugs of thanks go to Bill and Sarah, who were each willing to read a very rough draft to allay any fears I was having. ;)

Musical Inspiration comes from Stevie Nicks and her new album “Trouble in Shangri-La” and a live version of “Gloomy Sunday” performed by Bjork that is just wonderful.

Ambiguity here is the name of the game...it may get a little confusing, but I wanted to leave the actual details up to you, the reader. I apologize ahead of time if it is indeed too confusing. =)
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She is sitting by the smouldering fire, numb and lost. She can’t take her eyes off the motionless form lying on the pallet. Finally, the image burned forever in her mind, she forces herself to look away. The sun is going about its business, allowing night to fall in its place.

Yet another day has passed since that bloody battle when the world came crashing down on the blade of that soldier’s sword. She could still see the serrated edges tear into the soft, graceful back of the body she knows...knew...better than her own.

She shakes her head to rid herself of that horrific image and stands to gather wood for the fire. She looks back towards the pallet and gets two steps towards the woods before her grief overcomes her again. She crumples to the floor of the forest, her sobs wracking her slender frame...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xena was tying her laces and securing her knee and shin guards when she heard the whisp of a girl she knew as Gabrielle, try to sneak into the room.

“I know you heard me...can’t blame me for trying...”

The young farm girl sat in front of the older Warrior Princess and nervously straightened her skirt and soft blue blouse. She then clasped her hands together and leaned on her elbows and looked around the room, taking in every little detail while covertly studying the dark woman in front of her out of the corner of her eye.

“So...where you going?”

The Warrior remained silent, though she was amused by the pretty blonde with the striking green eyes, and concentrated on making sure her armour was secure.

“Take me with you,” said the farm girl in a near whisper.

“What?” asked the Warrior. “Why?”

“I don’t belong here...in this village. I’m not a farmer. I’m a bard. I could be very useful to you...”

Xena leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, and locked her ice blue eyes onto the emerald green of the self-proclaimed bard. “How could you be of use to me?” her voice was low, almost challenging.

“Well...I’ve studied the stars and spoken with philosophers... I have the gift of prophecy.”

The Warrior sat back in her chair and snorted derisively, then stood to leave. Gabrielle jumped to her feet and put her hand on Xena’s forearm to stop her and look into her eyes. In what was but a moment in the Real World, each had a torrent of visions descend upon their mind’s eye. Visions of friendship and pain, crucifixes and flaming abysses, Gods both good and evil, and lands far away. They saw each other standing next to the other by funeral pyres and camp fires, in front of judges and juries, angry towns and riled armies. They saw themselves ready to kill each other for transgressions as yet unknown to them.

Their emotions ran the gamut from hatred to love, friendship to disgust, envy and jealousy to healing words and feather soft caresses contained in a gaze across a crackling fire under a star-filled sky.

It was Xena who broke the contact, stepping back from the sudden and intense connection she felt with this young girl. “Good-bye, Gabrielle,” she said, haunted by the vision of the two of them mounted on the ominous crucifixes that she was so familiar with, surrounded by snow-covered hills and Roman soldiers.

“But...wait!” cried the young girl as she came back to her senses and watched as this incredible, dark woman she knew was a part of her very being walked out of her life.

*You’re not walking out for long...* she vowed as she planned out what she would be taking with her as she tracked the Warrior Princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She slowly sat herself upright and looked around her. There was no light in the forest so maybe this time she could gather wood for the fire without seeing the pallet and remembering. When she remembers, she hurts...

*Not tonight...please...not tonight... I don’t think I can handle it... Just one night...in what remains of my life...without the pain...please...*

She closes her eyes and breathes, then forces herself off of the ground and out towards the woods to get some kindling and twigs. She keeps the sound of Argo grazing in an opening to the east of the campsite in the back of her mind in order to keep her bearings. She’s not picky about what she’s grabbing for the fire...she only knows that she wants to keep warm in spite of the chill that permeates her bones now that the other half of her soul is dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The inn room was cozy, warm and inviting, even to the reticent Warrior...especially after that grueling battle against the elements - and her emotions - to get the bard, her shoulder still healing from a venomous Persian bolt, into a more suitable shelter than the armoury.

The Warrior stoked the flames, then checked on the little blonde who was cocooned within the dark blankets on the bed. She felt a warmth spread out from her heart and tickle a smile loose from her stoic mask as she watched the finally peaceful sleep of the young blonde who fought her way, tooth and nail, into the sepulcher that had before been the Warrior‘s heart. She sighed heavily as she thought about how she almost lost this precious gift that she most certainly didn’t deserve, but was determined to earn, especially now that they had a second chance.

“X-Xena?” whispered the young woman, her green eyes peeking out from the folds of blankets and blonde hair. The Warrior shook herself from her thoughts and sat on the edge of the bed.

“I’m right here, Gabrielle... What do you need?”

“A bath...” As if on cue, the bard’s endless stomach grumbled, piping up the neglect it’s suffered while the bard‘s been recuperating. “And some food?”

Xena allowed herself a real smile and kissed the top of the bard’s head. *Cool...for the first time in days...* She then stood to get some water over the fire for Gabrielle’s bath and place an order for food. *I should get some nutbread and cherries...her favourites...*

Green eyes sparkled with love and fear as she watched the lithe body of her best friend seemingly glide around the room. *She’s been that worried about me?* she thought as she lay back down to await her bath and dinner and closed her eyes in rest.

“Gabrielle?” whispered Xena to gently wake the bard from her light doze. “Everything’s ready whenever you are.” The bard opened her eyes and smiled wanly as she slowly moved to get out of the bed. She fell against Xena, partially in weakness, partially to feel the strength of the warrior around her, then regained her balance and unwrapped herself from the blankets.

Xena almost gasped aloud at the wasted state of the already petite bard and the bandages and poultices covering her wounds. She felt an anger boil up in her, a dangerous anger, more menacing than that of the Old Xena. It was as if Gabrielle could sense her friend’s thoughts and reached up with a graceful, calloused hand and gently stroked the Warrior’s cheek. Without a word, feeling the tension being released from the tall woman’s body, the bard then turned away towards the bath.

Xena turned her back to the bard, listening if she needed any help, but giving her friend privacy. *She doesn’t need my help getting undressed, for the love of Zeus,* she thought as she took a sip of water, *but I wouldn’t mind it if she did...*

“Xena? I hate to ask this...but I need some help here...” The Warrior turned around as quickly as she dared and tried to not look at her friend as she looked at her. She cocked her eyebrow in question.

“Help me get into this monstrosity of a tub, please?” smiled the bard at the obsurdity of her own request, but not wanting to kill herself trying to step in. “I mean, it’s practically a swimming hole...”

Xena sauntered towards the bard. “A swimming hole?” She gently wrapped her fingers around the bard’s upper arm and her hand as the blonde swung her leg gingerly over the side and into the tub, then Xena held her steady as she climbed the rest of the way in and sat down.

“Don‘t forget that I grew up in a little farming village. That’s what we called small lakes and tubs like this....although, this may very well be paradise... I betcha the both of us could fit in this thing...”

Xena, who had gone back to the table to get another sip of water, sputtered. “Anything’s possible, Gabrielle.”

“You wanna try?”

The Warrior turned around to look at the bard, and smiled. “No...this is all for you.” She grabbed a handful of cherries and a chair and took them behind the bard and the tub. She sat in the chair and handed the cherries to the blonde, then grabbed their hair soap from the floor next to the tub. Gently, Xena worked the soap into a lather in Gabrielle’s hair as the bard herself tucked into the cherries in her hand.

After a moment, the bard hummed in pleasure. “I should get shot with poisoned arrows more often...” The warrior’s hands stilled for a moment, but continued on with no sound from their owner. “It was a joke, Xena...”

“I know...”

The rest of the bath went on without comment. The Warrior grabbed several big towels and wrapped them around Gabrielle from behind as she stood up from the, now chilled, water. Xena dried the bard off a little before helping her step out of the tub.

“Thank you,” said Gabrielle sheepishly as she looked at the Warrior who had seated herself behind her. Xena saw the chill run through the bard’s body and gently tugged on the towels to make her walk backwards. The warrior pulled the blonde down onto her lap and rubbed her hands over her arms to generate heat.

“M-Maybe I should get my clothes on,” stuttered Gabrielle, the chills coming not from the air or an illness, but from the Warrior’s touch.

“I have to wash your clothes. I laid out one of my shifts for you, but I want to get you warm before you get into it.”

“Why one of yours?”

“I thought you’d be more comfortable in a big, comfy shift...if you want one of yours-”

“No, that’s alright,” the bard quickly interrupted. “No need to get out a shift when there’s one already out...”

Xena turned Gabrielle to sit sideways on her lap. “Gabrielle...” she started as she looked into the bard’s green depths, but stopped, content to gaze into the emerald fire she found there. Gabrielle found herself alternately warmed and cooled by the cerulean pools before her. Each were entranced with the souls behind the eyes of the other, so much so that they hadn’t noticed that they were slowly leaning towards each other with what seems to be only on intention in mind.

Just as it was the first time they were caught by the pull of each other, it was Xena who broke the contact.

“Lemme just grab your clothes and start washing them in the pot by the fire and you can put the shift on, okay?” Xena practically picked the bard up off her lap and placed her on her feet in front of the bed then sped away towards her new duties.

Gabrielle, entrenched in whirling thoughts about her best friend, put on the shift, then climbed onto the bed and under the covers. Xena started washing her clothes out and had them done in record time. She stoked the fire once more, then proceeded to take off her leathers and get into an extra shift she had packed deep in one of Argo’s saddle bags. She then blew out the candle on the table, crawled in behind the bard and settled for a good night’s sleep. She felt a tremour flow through the bed and realized that Gabrielle was shaking. She moved up behind the bard and moulded herself to the bard’s back to warm her with her body heat.

“Good-night, Gabrielle...” said the warrior, her arm draped over the blonde’s waist.

The bard smiled to herself as she drifted off to sleep in her Warrior’s arms...

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A gust of wind rustles the leaves above her as she works the tinder and kindling into a raging fire, once again bringing to light the pallet and its burden. Somehow, however, it’s not as jarring this time as it was the previous three nights.

She sighs and blows gently on the embers, then sits back on her haunches and brushes aside an errant strand of her hair. She looks up through the branches and leaves to the starry night sky beyond. Looking over at their bags, the collection of all their worldly belongings, she scoots over to start going through them. She doesn’t know what she wants and leaves the finding of it up to her hands.

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“All I knew when I woke up was that you weren’t around...and I didn’t know why. I tried to remember, but every time I tried to think about what happened after Hope and I fell into the pit, I’d get these blinding headaches... I asked the people who found me if they knew how I had gotten out of that pit and they didn’t know.” Gabrielle choked back tears as she remembered throwing herself at her daughter - and exact look-alike - Hope, and the two of them tumbling into the chasm of Dahak’s fire.

“I stumbled around for a while...I didn’t know where to go to find you or even where to begin. I decided to go home and get my bearings, then send messages for you. Maybe go to the Amazon Nation... I was so afraid I‘d never see you again...”

Again, the Warrior’s strong arms enveloped the shell-shocked bard in a warm embrace. “You would have, one way or another...” Xena shuddered when she remembered her travails in the Amazon land of the Dead and the vision the shamaness Alti showed her of their future death together.

“Hey...you okay?” asked Gabrielle, having felt the tremours in the body she was pressed against.

“Yeah...just got a little chill is all...”

The bard snuggled closer to the Warrior and again thought about a disturbing image she keeps seeing of white rolling hills and men in gold armour and red capes pounding nails into the wrists and feet of herself and Xena. She had seen this vision before, the first time she ever touched the dark Warrior she felt so secure with. She didn’t want to tell Xena about it, especially not after the year they’ve had...all the pain they’ve unwillingly brought on each other.

“Xena, I-”

“Shhh. No need to say anything... I think it’s time we got some sleep,” said the Warrior as she broke the embrace and moved to lay down on their bedrolls.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” said Gabrielle, her arms crossed in front of her.

The Warrior turned her head to look back at the bard, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “You don’t know if I did know what you were going to say...”

“I hate it when you do that,” said the bad, trying to not smile.

“Do what?”

“You change the subject when we might get into a serious conversation about this past year...”

“I know you’re sorry...so am I, but we’ve been given yet another chance at life and I don’t think we should start it out by bringing up the past... We’ll have plenty of time to caress those wounds...”

Gabrielle collapsed into a sitting position next to the supine Warrior. “Xena?”

“Yeah?”

“What if that wasn’t what I was going to say?”

The Warrior laughed, then, without warning, turned and attacked Gabrielle, tickling her mercilessly, making the bard fall onto her back with Xena on top, pinning her down. Gabrielle’s laughter rang through the forest, but the Warrior wasn’t worried about alerting bandits to their presence.

Xena pinned Gabrielle’s struggling arms to the ground on either side of her head and looked deeply into the bard’s eyes. “This is the kind of healing we need, Gabrielle. Sometimes actions speak louder than words...”

Her heart pounding and her cheeks flushed, both from laughter and arousal, the bard swallowed her fear. “Yes, they do,” she said, trying to imbue the words with a double entendre, hoping the Warrior would catch it and act upon it. Xena stayed very still atop Gabrielle, the fight in her soul clearly evident in her crystalline eyes.

Off in the distance, the sounds of clanging armour and clumsy footsteps, not to mention a certain annoying theme song, were heard, giving Xena the diversion she needed. “Joxer’s coming...” she said as she rolled off of the bard and looked into the fire.

Biting her lip, Gabrielle sat up and pressed herself against Xena’s back to whisper in her ear, “You don’t have to control yourself with me, Xena.” The bard then stood to start preparing their dinner. She could feel the sky blue gaze studying her thoughtfully, but their owner said nothing.

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Her hands find a scroll with a quill strapped to it and the inkwell. She gingerly pulls them out of the bag and places them in front of her. Looking at them, remembering all the scrolls she’s seen in the course of their adventures, all the stories told about them, her eyes well up with tears, but she didn’t start crying again. She just can‘t, fearing that she would never stop. She decides that she needs a safe release for her emotions...maybe this will help...

She unwraps the quill and scroll and lifts the lid of the inkwell then stares at the blank paper. She blinks, sending the tears that were in her eyes rolling down her cheeks.

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*Tonight’s the night, Gabrielle,” she thought to herself. *You have to tell her tonight. What if, in the next battle, neither one of you are so lucky? She needs to know.*

The bard watched the Warrior as she paced back and forth in agitation. She had seen this behaviour in Xena before and she could practically feel the sexual tension rolling in waves from her body. Tonight she wanted to take advantage of the Warrior’s need.

Gabrielle was scared by Xena, yet the fear aroused her, remembering stories about what the warrior had been willing to tell her about sating the bloodlust in her veins. *Then again, when am I not excited by her...especially lately? Ah well, here goes nothing...*

“Xena?” The bard swallowed when the Warrior glanced her way, the fire in the ice blue burning bright. She forced herself to continue, “If you need a release...or something...I’m here, if you want me...or something.” The bard grimaced at how idiotic she sounded. *Oh yes, you big tough, leather-wearing warlord she-bitch ma‘am, make me your sex toy... That was romantic,* she thought, mocking herself.

Xena stopped and frowned at Gabrielle. “I didn’t mean it like that...well, I mean, I DID, but I didn’t say it right,” stumbled the usually eloquent bard.

The Warrior, dazed, sat beside the bard on the bed, breathing heavily, but well-controlled. “Gabrielle...is there something you need to tell me?”

*YesohgodstakemeIloveyouIneedyoumakelovetomepleaseohpleaseXenayou’reallIwant...* The bard’s jaw dropped in an effort to free her mind of the words she wanted so desperately to say. Xena watched as her tongue darted out to lick her lips and, feeling her control slip away, she stood to leave.

“Go to bed, Gabrielle...”

*Oh no you don’t, not again...* thought the blonde as she leapt to her feet and spun the warrior around. Gabrielle gently cupped Xena’s face and stood on her tiptoes as she brought Xena’s face down to meet her lips.

It took a moment for the contact to register in Xena’s lust-addled mind, but when it did it was as if the sun itself burst inside her soul sending shards of light to even the darkest corners of her being. The warrior picked the bard up as she intensified their kiss and Gabrielle responded by wrapping her legs around Xena’s waist. The sensation of warmth against her stomach stirred the bloodlust that was still boiling beneath Xena’s exteriour, but she fought it, determined to not let it ruin their first real kiss.

Finally, when the need for air was too great to ignore, they broke apart, but the bard’s legs were still wrapped around her waist.

“I love you, Xena...you’re the rest of me. While I think we’ve known that for a while, it needed to be said by one of us in order for us to believe it.”

Xena swallowed and silently asked the bard to let her go. She then stepped away and turned to lean on a chair while trying to control her breathing.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” asked Gabrielle, her mind already jumping to conclusions about Xena’s reaction. She reached out to touch the warrior, but stopped herself short when she felt the heat radiating from her body.

“Please don’t touch me, Gabrielle...”

The bard lowered her head and turned away. “I’m sorry.”

“This is incredibly bad timing... You’ve seen me like this before, I’ve told you a little about what happens...regardless of the fact that I asked you...why tonight??”

“We almost lost each other today. I needed to tell you in case there isn’t a tomorrow.” At that instant, the bard collapsed onto the ground in tears. Xena inhaled calm and knelt in front of the bard.

“Our kiss was the most intense thing I’ve ever felt...it was strong enough to help me resist ripping your clothes off and doing things to you you’ve only ever read in those scrolls in the Amazon Library, and probably think of a few new ones as I go.
“I stopped because I don’t want our first time to be like that... I love you more than you could possibly imagine, Gabrielle, and when the time is right, I’ll show you. Right now, I don’t want to hurt you...and I know that I would...”

Gabrielle looked at Xena. “But I might like it...”

The Warrior stood. “Don’t say things like that, Gabrielle! Geez...”

“What can I do to help?” asked the bard, considerably more cheered.

“For one thing...you could put more clothes on,” Xena suggested, trying - without success - to not eye Gabrielle’s cleavage.

“You want me to put on that blue blouse and long skirt?”

Xena smirked sexily. “Yeah...NO! Uh...it’ll drive me crazier...”

“What? How?”

“Village maiden...”

The bard’s mouth formed a silent “o” as she pondered the implications of that statement and the Warrior resumed her pacing.

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“We had a lot of first times after that, didn’t we?” she says into the brisk night air. She picks up the scroll to read what she has written.

Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless.
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless.
Little white flowers will never awaken you,
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought of ever returning you.
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday.

Gloomy is Sunday
With shadows I spend it all.
My heart and I have decided to end it all.
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are sad, I know.
Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressing you.
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you.
Gloomy Sunday.

Unusually satisfied with this, she rolls up the scroll and puts all the writing implements away. She curls up under the covers of her bedroll, her daemons exorcised for the evening. She has said everything she wanted to say to her lover and best friend, but has decided that she will not kill herself, as she had been considering seriously ever since the last of her lover’s lifeblood escaped her body.

She’ll have other nights where reminiscing will bring pain and that pain will bring thoughts of suicide...but she can only hope that she’ll be strong enough to continue on until the day she goes to join her soulmate on the Other Side.

The End
author’s note:
Maybe this ending seems like a cop-out, but suicide isn’t the answer though it sounds like the easiest way out of problems.

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