DISCLAIMERS: Xysia does not own Xena, Gabrielle or any other Xena character herein contained. They belong to Studios USA, Renaissance Pictures, and Universal Studios. Their use here was for entertainment only, not to infringe on any copyrights.

"Pizza or Religion" by Xysia. Copyright 2000 Lady Xysia.

*Doorbell rings*
*A small group of people dressed in black clothing wait on the porch.*
*Xena answers*

Kraftstar: Hello have you ever heard of the one god?

Xena: Get lost I'm a heathen pagan and damn proud of it!
*slams the door*

*The group leaves and comes back dressed up as girls scouts and ring the doorbell.*
*Argo answers*

Meridan: Hello would you like to buy some nutbread?

Argo: *snorts and eats the nutbread*

Meridan: Hey thats our nutbread, how do you think your going to pay for that?

Argo: *look evilly at them and sprouts fangs*

Kraftstar: HA I can do that too!

*Does his horned goat impression*
*Argo goes back inside and kicks the door shut.*

Meridan: Well it was worth a shot..

Kraftstar: Let us have faith, and not give up.

Meridan: Well can you change back to human form.. those horns are freaky.

Kraftstar: Fine *tries to change back* ahhh I'm stuck!

Meridan: Ewwww well don't expect to get lucky tonight!

Kraftstar: *pouts then stomps off to change into a new disguise*
*Meridan and the others hide in the garden.*
*Kraftstar walk up onto the porch and puts on his pizza hat which the horns stick through.*
*knocks on the door*
*Minya answers*

Kraftstar: I am the Delivierer!

Minya: You can say that again! come here you hot hunk of horned love!
*grab Kraftstar and drags him inside*

Kraftstar: By the name of the One god! have mercy on me!

Minya: *cracks whip* I'll have mercy on you all right!
*pulls him into the living room were Xena and Boudicca are playing poker*

Boudicca: Go fish.

Xena: OK.
*She get up and starts to head outside*

Kraftstar: No!!!
*Xena turns and looks at him*

Xena: What?

Kraftstar: Ummm errr Caesar is out there.
*Caesar look up from his, divide and conquer math made easy book*

Caesar: No I'm not!

Kraftstar: Oh....Its raining outside and you don't want to get you armor ruined.

Xena: Oh ok, hey aren't you that one guy who was came here talking about the one god?

Kraftstar: Me? Nahh thats my crazy cousin Najarra.

Najarra: Hey I am not related to you!
*gos back to trying to tape record the djinn conversations*
*Xena looks annoyed and sits back down.*
Xena: So much for going fishing...
*Ares walks into the room fresh from coming out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist.*

Minya: I'll be right back..!
*runs off to drool*
*Kraftstar takes a seat on the couch*

Ares: Weres my pizza I ordered?

Kraftstar: My horse broke down and the pizza was stolen.

Ares: I am Ares God of War I want my food!

Xena: Shut up Ares!
*Gabrielle enter with a tosteno pizza fresh from the camp fire.*
Ares: FOOD!
*he run to her and gobbles the pizza down*

Gabby: AHHH!

Ares: what?

Xena: *sinkers* Nice ass.

Ares: Why thank you Xena I wondered how long it would take you....
*feels a draft*

Ares: What the....

*notices his towel has fallen off*

Ares: By the gods! *runs and hides in the kitchen*

*Kraftstar looks at Gabby*
*looks back at the photo Lord Dahak gave him*

Kraftstar: She is the one...

Gab: *look over to him* What?

Kraftstar: Umm you have won an all expense paid trip to Britannia!

Gab: *perks up* I have?

Kraftstar: Yes

Gab: *eyes narrow* What's the cache?

Kraftstar: Umm there is none.

Gab: *eyes him* You mean I'm not going to end up in some temple and have a kid or be tied to a cross?

Kraftstar: *laughs nervously* Those things only happen in the movies!

Gab: Hmm well OK! *jumps up and gos to pack*

Kraftstar: *looks behind him and gives Meridan thumbs up before smiling a evil I'm a bad ass follower of Dahak smile*

*Kraftstar: *to himself* And so it begins.

Xena: What begins?

Kraftstar: You and your sidekick have won an all expense paid trip to Britannia!!

Xena: *doesn't look impressed* Is that all?

Kraftstar: Well it has many hottube

*Gab sticks her head out* YEAH!! Xena do you want me to bring the whip and handcuffs too?

Xena: *coughs* Sure Gabrielle.

Kraftstar: And there tons of good fishing holes...

Xena: Fish! *yells to Gab* Are you ready yet?

*Gab comes out with a her pack and scrolls wordlessly she hands Xena the whip and handcuffs*

Xena: Lets Go!

*The three of them walk out the door, when the bard and warrior are out of ear-shot Kraftstar makes his way over to Meridan.*

Kraftstar: I'm not sure if Lord Dahak knows what hes getting himself into...

Meridan: You dare doubt him!?

Kraftstar: *leans over and whispers in her ear*

Meridan: You mean you think theyíre..?!

Kraftstar:: *nods* We wait and watch.

Meridan: Watch? Ewwww....

Kraftstar: Not that kind of watch now go, we'll meet you there.

*getting up he rejoins Gab and Xena*



Blood Flavored Giblets ad



*Xena and Gab and Kraftstar arrive at the port and get on a ship*
*Water water more water some seagulls pooping etc etc etc....*

2 days later...

Gab: Xena do you think they know about.. you know us?

Xena: Don't be silly Gabrielle there is nothing that would give us away.

Gab They could have heard you..

Xena: I can control myself you on the other hand...

Gab: Grrrr fine.

Xena: I bet I can go faster longer.

Gab: I bet you can't.

Xena: Your on!

*Xena gets up and turns the music back on then proceedes to take off her breast plate*

Gab: What are you doing?

Xena: Getting comfortable you don't mind do you?

Gab: No not at all

Xena: I'm so glad you invested in these toys Gabrielle, we would be so bored with out them, nothing to really to do other then...

Gab: Shut up and get to it, I'm sick of waiting.

Xena: *sighs* Fine.... your so demanding of me.

3 hours later

Xena: Gabrielle you can wake up now... I'm done.

*Gabrielle yawns and opens her eyes*

Gab: Forget it you've won...

Xena: You didn't even try.

Gab: So what I'm to tired to do it

Xena: *smiles some* You know you want to *wipes some sweat off her forehead*

Gab: All right Xena I admit it You still hold the title of hula hoop queen!

Xena: Thank you Gabrielle, I know that was hard for you to admit.

Gab: *groans* Whatever...

Xena: *frowns and is about to reply when a knock at the door cuts her off*

Xena: Yeah? *goes over to the door and opens it*

Kraftstar: *looks at the sweaty warrior who's half dressed and Gabrielle flopped out on the bed*
Umm I came at a bad time I.. *backs away*

Xena: No its ok we're done playing, what do you want?

Kraftstar: *almost chokes at the word playing*
A body was found..

Gab: Can't the healer check it out?

Kraftstar: It is the healer.

Gab: Oh *gets up and grabs her staff* oK lead the way.

An hour later

*sounds of Gab throwing up over the side of the ship despite the pressure points*
*Even Xena looks a bit green around the gills*

Gab: Xena how did he..?

Xena: I have no clue Gabrielle.

*Xena gos over to Kraftstar*

Xena: Gabrielle and I are going to retire early, neither of us are in the mood for dinner.

Fade out



Mane and Tail ad with Argo in it



Next morning


Xena: Come one Gabrielle give it one more shot.

Gab: Xena I can't.

Xena: Come on pull it out!.

Gab: I can't get a grip on it if you keep moving.

Xena: Well I don't want it stuck there!

Gab: Xena your the one who stuck it were it didn't belong.

Xena: I did not, it slipped

Gab: Sure it did, Xena its my staff I can't believe you would do that to my personal property..

Xena: Gabrielle just get it out, I can't walk around like this....

Gab: Why not?

Xena: It sticks out!!

Gab: Fine, maybe if I brace my foot there and yank it...

Xena: NO! that would hurt to much!

Gab: Oh come on, it can't hurt that bad..

Xena: Gabrielle do you know how long its been sence I've had something there?

Gab: You mean other then a guys...

Xena: Just get it out of me it hurts!

Gab: Gods... this is going to make some story...

Xena: Don't even think about it... now come on I need to pee.

Gab: Fine *rolls her eyes* *grabs it a pulls with all her might*

Xena: *sighs with relief* Thank you Gabrielle.

Gab: Gods I never knew you would make such a big deal over a splinter stuck in your thumb....

Xena: *mumbles at Gab's gloating*

Gab: Of all the ungrateful...

Xena: Shhh!

Gab: *eyes widen*

*Quickly Xena makes her way over to the door and yanks it open*
*Kraftstar falls over onto the floor*

Xena: *growls* What do you think you were doing? *crosses her arms over her chest*

Kraftstar: Ummm err there is some Romans that say we have to turn back....

Xena: *eyes narrow* Romansssss....

*In a flash or in a chakrams throw in this case, she bounds or flips....to the top deck*

Roman guards: You have to turn back

Xena: Why?

Roman Guard: by order of...

*What ever hes about to say we never know as Xena grabs him by the arm and snaps the cuffs on him*

Xena: You have the right to remain silent, if you chose to give up with right alpha your voice will be pinched or beta I'll cut the blood flow off from your brain.

Gab: Xena you just blew our cover!

Xena: It doesn't matter Gabrielle, hes the murder!

Gab: Xena I know how you feel about Romans but...

Xena: *pulls off the helmet and mask to reveal Robert Tapert*
Hes plotting to ruin our travels and make you cut your hair!

Gab: My my... hair! *eyes start to tear up*

Xena: *shoves him over to Gab* Book him, I have to send a message to the rest of the squad.
*climbs up the crow nest and starts to sing*

Xena: Oh I'm a little ex warlord tall and bitchy, I would finish this song but Gab's looking like she wants to give me a hickey... ((Ha the only real subtext in the whole thing!!)) Yet I caught the guy...

*TV blacks out and then comes back on*
*Channel 10, or 24 etc comes on.*

We are sorry for the inconvenience, Our feed was crossed and this was beamed in its place at the moment we are looking for the person who did this, we now return to our correct episode of Xena. Thank you.

*outline of Hopes face appears before the normal ep of the Deliverer picks up were the spoof left off*

Hope: Until next time Xena... until next time.

*a click noise is heard at the TV gets turned off*

Lucy: Now that was weird, what do you think Renee?

Renee: Very creepy, some people just go to far with the show.

*Hopes outline appears on the screen again. *

Hope: You have no idea mother...

*Renee jumps and looks at Lucy*

Renee: You didn't just see what I saw right?

Lucy: Right.

*Robert comes in from fishing*

Rob: Lucy I just had the greatest idea for the next season... It all starts with Renee's death....

*fade out*

Fin.

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copyright 2000 Lady Xysia

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