DISCLAIMERS: I don't own any of the mentioned characters from the syndicated television show Xena: Warrior Princess. Renaissance Pictures does. Nor do I own Steve Irwin or Terry (Mrs. Crocodile Hunter) Irwin. They belong to themselves and their little baby.
The story is copyright 2000 Kimyoo Films. No episodes or parts may be archived or stored anywhere else without the written, prior consent of the author.
*FAIR WARNING ALERT THINGIE* I don't want to give away too much, but this story does contain some unpleasant bits in the form of a semi-regular character from XWP. Hehhehheh...
"Croc Hunter Goes Grecian: Episode Four" by Magenta. Copyright 2000 Kimyoo Films.
*Croc Hunter peeks up from behind a fallen tree and looks around him. He quickly catches up to the Warrior Princess and the Queen, who are walking side-by-side down an open road, trailed only by two horses.*
"G'dae. I'm Steve Eerwin and weelcome tae another eedition of Crocodile Hunter. Wee're coming tae you frohm Ainceent Graece. Cuhrrentlee, I'm travelling weeth Xeener, a Waerrier Princeess-" *The Warrior Princess, upon the cue of the Croc Hunter, gives a small wave and a "Meg"-like half smile.*
"-ahnd heer beest mait Gahbreeelle, Qween of the Aimazons ahnd Bahrd Eextrordeenair."
*The Queen smiles broadly and waves.* "Hi!"
*Steve goes around to the horse that is being lead by the Warrior Princess.*
"Theese eess Xeener's horse, Ahrgae." *Argo neighs in greeting as Steve circles back to the horse that is being lead by the Queen.*
"Ahnd theese ees Gahbreeelle's horse...uhh...Horse." *Horse snorts at Steve.*
"Still no name for her, huh?"
*The Queen shakes her head in response to the Warrior Princess' question.*
"I hahve a peet tae, y'knae-" *Before Croc Hunter can finish his statement, the Warrior Princess stops and gets right in his face.*
"Argo ISN'T a PET..."
"Yer ollright, mate! Yer ollright!"
*The Warrior Princess sighs, exasperated, and starts walking again.*
"Ainywae, my peet's naeme ees Sui! Shee's the beest reeptile huntin' dohg eevah."
*Up ahead, a man is running towards the Warrior Princess, the Queen, and Steve. There are heavy "clunk, kachink, clunk" sounds.*
"Hey you guys!! I've been looking everywhere for ya!"
*Steve gasps as the Warrior Princess and the Queen simulateously roll their eyes.*
"Hi Joxer...."
*Croc Hunter, excited and more animated than ever, walks backwards in front of the Warrior Princess and the Queen.*
"Ahre you teeling me that THAT's a reeal lighve-?"
"Uhhuh."
"By Crikey!!! Leet's geet a clohser look!!"
*Steve runs at full tilt towards the bumbling man who stops in his tracks, afraid, and tries to pull his sword from its scabbard. He only succeeds in pulling the hilt off the tang. The Warrior Princess and the Queen maintain their speed.*
"Wah!! He's a beeautiful speecimen!! Peerfect een eeverywaigh..."
*The bumbling man straightens up and smiles something akin to a dashing smile as Croc Hunter goes on.*
"...From the heelmet tae the whalk tae the waigh he colls out tae hees maits, one caen teell that theese mahn ees a puure, one hundreed peercent ceertifyable eediot."
*The Idiot tries to turn around and confront Croc Hunter.* "Hey, now wait just a Gods darned minute here..."
*Croc Hunter grabs the back of his "armour" and throws him to the ground. The Idiot screams like some ancient ancestor of Jerry Lewis.* "WWWWHHHHHUUUUUUAAAAATTTTTEEEE!!!"
*Steve lays on top of the Idiot as if he were a croc he was wrestling.* "Yer ollright, mate! Yer ollright!
"Theese lil blightah ees olsae peerfectly fighstey. Haeeever, theere's not much beehind hees bight, nothin' daedly. You might geet a haedache from hees thaemesong, but that's about eet."
"XEEENNNAAA!!......GAAABBRRRIIELLLLEE!!
HHHHHAAAAALLLLLLPPPPPP!!"
*The queen smiles, and walks past the two of them.* "You can release him back into the wild now."
"Oolright...reeady? One, tae, thrae!" *Steve jumps up and well out of the way of the Idiot.*
"Thanks, Gabby...geez."
*Steve stands back and admires the Idiot as he stands up and dusts himself off and, walking a large circle around the Croc Hunter, catches up with the Warrior Princess and the Queen.*
"See that? Ainouther ehxaimple of the eediot's teepical beehaviour...using a poteentially deerighseeve nicknaeme for one of hees maits.
"Crikey! Dae I haeve good luck or what?! Leet's catch up weeth them!!"
*Steve runs up and walks backwards in front of them. The Idiot reflexively puts his arms up in defense, just in case.*
"Sae...wheere wee gaeing?!"
"We're going back to my home village, Poteidaia. I know you were there when we confronted Ares, well...I got a message from my family the other day and I think it's his doing.
"We stopped by the Amazons to see if anyone there knew of anything...and got roped into that Joining ceremony."
"Sae we don't knae whot tae eexpeect yeet, right?"
"Right."
"Graet! I cahn't waight!!
"Hae fahr ees Pohtaedeeah from heere?"
*The Queen looks at her surroundings and at the sun, then at the Warrior Princess.* "About two and a half days by foot."
"Yeah, but we've got the horses, right? I mean..."
*Steve looks at us to comment.* "Ainouther peerfect exaimple of the teepical beehaiviour of an eediot."
*Suddenly, the ground shakes....then shakes again....then shakes again, each shake getting progressively worse and longer than the last. Croc Hunter lights up and disappears up a very tall tree. Meanwhile, the Idiot runs back the way they came and the Warrior Princess and the Queen lead the horses into the forest that frames the road in order to hide.*
...."Eef theese ees whot I think eet ees, theen I am indeed a lucky main."
"Ha, ha, ha...that's right, Steve. You are a lucky man.
"Right about now, he's going to discover that the source of those vibrations is none other than a huge, gigantic cyclops..."
*Croc Hunter looks around once he reaches the highest point in the tree and sees the Cyclops running at an angle towards him.*
"By Crikey!! It's a cyclops!! Wah!!!"
*Steve leaps onto the Cyclops' back as he runs past. The Cyclops spins around while running, trying to catch the thing that has clamped onto him.*
"Yer ollright, mait!! Yer ollright! Wheere ya goin'?!"
"I'm getting away from the monster!"
"I'm nae monstah, mait!"
"I don't mean you...I mean the snake monster! It wants to eat me alive!!"
"Look, leet's gae bahck tae the road theere, ollright? I've goht sohme maits theere whoe might bee able tae haelp you..."
"How do I know you're not lying?"
"Saeme raeson, mait...hae dae I knae YOU'RE not lying?"
"You don't."
"Eexahctly...sae, leet's gae and wheen wee geet theere, I'll geet off your bahck, hae's that?"
"Good, I guess...I don't think you can hurt me...."
*The Cyclops turns and goes back towards the road where the Warrior Princess and the Queen are waiting.*
"Whot's yer naeme, mait?"
"Willie."
"Right-o, Willie, my naeme's Steve Eerwin. Plaesed tae meet ya!"
"I'm pleased to meet you, too! You're a nice little person..."
"What's going on?"
*Steve hops down from the Cyclops' back and stands in front of the Warrior Princess and the Queen.*
"Theese lil blightah's got snake problems..."
*The Warrior Princess visably shutters, much to the amusement of the Queen.*
"Don't like snakes, huh?"
"Hate 'em."
"Nae worries!! I'll take care of them! C'mon mait!! Take mee theere!!"
*Steve climbs back onto the Cyclops' back and the two of them head back to where the Cyclops saw the snake.*
"Haey...dae you remeembeh whot the snake's colourings weere?"
"No...but I think he was wearing armour."
"Hee? Ahmourthe ground.*
"Theese are the tracks of the craeture Willie sawr...two sihde-by-sihde ahlmost ideentical tracks een the forest floor..."
*Steve stands up straight and wipes his hands on his shorts.*
"The deepth and weedth of theese tracks teell me thaht these where maide by a veery dangerous species of animal colled Producers. Theese feearce, paewer-hungry ainimals will stop ait nothing tae geet what they want, but ahre boeth freends and eenemies with other speecies such as the Fanes and the Stoodioe Executeeves.
"Haeeever, in reecent yeears, I think the Producers haive finally found out that you cain't keep eeveryone happy...so they've stahrted gaeing on a rampage, destroying eeverything that might haive had a good chance to grow.
"Hae, mait...hae's abight geeving me a leeft back tae my friends, aeh? I've got tae wahrn theem about the Producers lurking abight."
*Willie smiles and nods.
*Steve walks away until the next episode of Croc Hunter Goes Grecian.*
Forward to the next episode.
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