[Precious Roy intro]
Olly: Hi, folks! We're here to sell you Precious Roy
products! I'm Olly
Sifl: And I'm Sifl.
Olly: Sifl, let me ask you a question
S: Okay..
O: Have you ever wondered if there were snakes under your bed?
S: NO, but thanks a WHOLE LOT for making me think about it...
O: Folks, here's a nightmare scenario for ya. You're layin' in bed,
fantasizing about Winona Ryder, when all of a sudden you feel something
cold and scaly gripping you tightly. Before you know it, you wake up and
a snake's already swallowed half of your body.
[Sifl wrinkles his face in shock/disgust]
The snake's gonna eat you, folks. You're dead! And not only that, it's
interrupted your dreams of Winona Ryder.
S: Dude, you know about the problems I've been having with my dreams of
Jaclyn Smith getting interrupted...
O: Sifl, you've had some
serious-ass-dreams-of-Winona-Ryder-gettin'-interrupted problems! But
those days are over folks! Once again Precious Roy is here to save the
day! With the Precious Roy "Electric Snake Charmer" you can rest
peacefully and have uninterrupted dreams of Winona.
S: That's great! How does it work?
O: Well, Sifl, I'm glad you asked me that...
[as Olly explains the model hand shows a plastic swami head with glowing
red eyes. cartoon "sound waves" emit from its mouth, as a sockpuppet
snake stands transfixed before it.]
Just plug the device into an electrical outlet and it emits a
high-pitched frequency that only snakes can hear. The Precious Roy
Electric Snake Charmer hypnotizes snakes and causes them to fall into a
coma
[the snake falls over]
and then you can easily remove it in the morning.
S: I...I thought snakes didn't have ears
O: Let's take a call!
[Sifl sighs and shakes his head]
caller1: Yeah my house used to have TONS of snakes underneath the beds..
S: oh yeah?
caller1: yeah! the damn things kept eatin' my kids and pets! It was
getting really bad! But then, I bought the Precious Roy Electric Snake
Charmer.
S: and what do you think of this amazing product?
Caller1:oh I tell you, Sifl, it's the greatest! Not only do I rest
easier at night, but I make so much money selling the comatose snakes to
zoos and pet stores!
O: great! See, folks? Another satisfied customer! Let's take another
call...
Caller2: Yessss. I'm a ssssssnake and I gotta sssssay, thisssss thing
ssssuckssss!
O: hey now buddy, hold on--
Caller2:It makessssss the mosssst annoying noisssssse! I can't sssshut
the damn thing up!
O:THAT'S WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO DO, BUDDY! YOUR DAYS OF EATING PEOPLE IN
THEIR SLEEP AND INTERRUPTING DREAMS OF WINONA RYDER ARE OVER!!
S:Dude, calm down!
[Olly takes a deep breath]
O:I need some Precious attention! Precious?
PR: Dis is Precious Roy, and I just beat up Urkel with a licorice whip!
O:No, Precious, it's the electric snake-charmer thing..
PR: Buy my vermin enhancers!
O: Noooo!
PR:SUCKERS!!!!
[PR end theme]
