*Precious Roy Home Shopping Netwerk Logo accompanied by littlesplat sound.*
Olly: Friends, how many times has it happened?
Sifl: Too...
Olly: Two times...
Sifl: TOO MANY TIMES.
Olly: Two times too many, Sifl. Here's that tired old scene, yougather up the kids in the mini-van and drive down to the beach, rent adiving bell and lower the family down to bottom of the ocean to enjoy apic-a-nic lunch by the light of the bioluminescent creatures that haunt the depths.But it never works.
Sifl: You know the problems I've been having with deep-sea pic-a-nicing.
Olly: Sifl, you've got some serious-ass deep-sea-pic-a-nicing problems.You know how it goes, just as you hit the murky ocean floor, your foodstuffsare imploding or bursting like...BANG!
Sifl: It's the pressure...they can't hang.
Olly: It's a proven fact, ask Jacques Cousteau. SUPERMARKETLUNCHEON MEAT WAS NOT DESIGNED TO HANDLE THE EXTREME PRESSURE OF DEEP SEADIVING. They can't help it. Don't make fun...MAKE PROGRESS. Move over bacon, cuz the Precious Roy PRESSURIZED HAM is here tosave theday. *Model arm gestures at an aquarium which contains a vaguelyham-shaped object that is covered in a coating of blue rubber. It has hosesrunning along the sides that lead to a pressure gauge. The needle of thegauge spins wildly as the ham throbs and sends streams of bubbles to thesurface.*
Olly: This ham has been tested to depths as deep as...well, Ijust can't count that low. And that's pretty far down...lower than you'dcare to go without a drill.
Sifl: Let's, ah, take some *looks nervously as the ham's throbbing increasesin size and speed*...Is that thing, OK?
Olly: *nervous laughter* It's perfect, it's safe...it'sperfectly safe!
Sifl: Let's take some calls...
Caller One: *raspy and weak* Help...the damn thing blew... *Sifl does that Kermit-the-Frog-eye-bugging-thing he's wont todo...getting really jumpy every time the caller speaks* Caller One: Limbs...everywhere...oh, the humanity...two daysaway from retirement...
Olly: Caller...caller! Did you use the Ham as directed...
Caller One: OH, WHY'S EVERYTHING SO DIM...ugh... Olly: Caller...did you use it as directed...?
Caller One: I...got to the...party. I took it out of the watertank...
Olly: How deep down were you?
Caller One: Ugh....my spleen. I was on the first floor of myoffice building...I just-
Olly: *goes ballistic* WHAT? WHAT? *laughs* NEVER EXPOSE THE HAMTO THE OPEN AIR AT SURFACE PRESSURE!!! IT'S IN THE DIRECTIONS!
Caller One: Oh, no...how will I tell the families...two daysfromretirement...
Olly: It's called Hooked on Phonics caller. I have no time for those who ignore directions. Next call.
Caller Two: Yeah. I love the Ham...
Olly: And who doesn't? Am I right? Am I right?
Caller Two: But, well...my wife likes Salami. Any plans toproduce any other pressurized meats?
Olly: Well, sir, Deep Sea Salami were banned under the SALT treaty...rightalong with Giant Robot Samurai. It was a sad day.
Caller Two: What about sides...like potato salad?
Olly: Well, if you check you're Precious Roy newsletter-*Arumble builds and the camera shakes*
Jimmy: *dimly heard from off camera* What the hell was that? *The Ham swells like a bullfrog's neck during a mating call. Itpulsesrapidly*
Sifl: Dude...we better wrap this up before...
Olly: PERFECTLY SAFE. Sifl: Dude. Let's get Roy out here, before...oh man.
Olly: *super cheery* Thanks Caller...let's talk to PreciousRoy...
Sifl: Yeah...Precious...hurry up and say something about this damn thing.
Olly: SAFE!Precious Roy: 'Dis is Precious Roy...I hatched a diplodocus in the trunk ofmy Mazda!
Sifl: No, Precious...this is a death trap...*rumble increases*I'm gone! *exit, stage left*
Precious Roy: Quilted buttermilk! SUCKERS!*P.R. Theme plays*
*Fade to black*
