*Open Precious Roy stuff...you know the drill*
Sifl: Man...I'm just can't do this today...
Olly: What's wrong Sifl?
Sifl: What's wrong? What's wrong? What's not wrong? Theyrepossed my mo-ped...the landlord found my uranium mine in the backyard,which the Department of Energy promtly shut down, and now...these blackvans follow me everywhere. It's like...It's like...
Olly: Go on, Sifl...be strong...
Sifl: It's like...no, it's crazy...
Olly: I believe what you're trying to say Sifl is: "it's like this entire universe is an elaborate Rube Goldbergian device set up by someconspirasy exclusively to trap and punnish you and only you."
Sifl: Yeah...you know the problems I've been having with thisentire universe being an elaborate Rube Goldbergian device set up bysome conspirasy exclusively to trap and punnish me and only me.
Olly: You've been having some serious-ass "this entire universebeing an elaborate Rube Goldbergian device set up by some conspirasyexclusively to trap and punnish me and only me" problems, Sifl.
Sifl: If only...
Olly: I believe what you're trying to say, Sifl, is: "if onlythere was away to escape to a kinder, gentler place...a safe, happy place withno DENTAL DRILLS or FACE-FITTED RAT CAGES."
Sifl: But, that's...
Olly: Sifl, I know what you're trying to say: "But, that'simpossible...THEY CONTROL EVERYTHING!!! THEY SEE EVERYWHERE!!!"
Sifl: Dude, you haven't guessed a single thing I was going tosay right...
Olly: Sifl, I know what you're trying to say: "Dude, you haven'tguessed a single thing I was going to say right, IF YOU HAVEN'T GUESSEDTHEM ALL...you knew exactly what I was going to say before I said it. ARE YOUWITH THEM??? ARE YOU WITH THEM??? DO IT TO CHESTER, NOT TO ME!!!"
Sifl: Nevermind. I was just being a little paranoid...
Olly: THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK, SIFL!!!
Sifl: Here we go.
Olly: But where can we go? Where can you go when the Mole Men inthe Ivory Towers of Love and Pain have mapped out and claimed every lastsquare inch of this powerless globe? Mexico? They've got the Federalesbought and paid for!!! THERE IS NO ESCAPE...until now... *Model arm waves over a what looks like a clear Superball (a bigone) which has some sort of cheesy wavy video effect over it*
Olly: There's only one place to run when the Man has youcornered...an alternate universe. And now the Power of Precious makes that Universe as close as your own pocket. THE PRECIOUS ROY POCKET UNIVERSE isthe first, last and only ALTERNATE UNIVERSE PORTAL you will ever need. Forget your own private Idaho...this is a Universe, not somepissant state. Let's take some calls.
Caller One: IT'S MADNESS!!! MADNESS!!!
Sifl: Calm down, man...
Olly: It's not madness, friend, it's AWE INSPIRISING SIMPLICITY...it's anhonest mistake.
Caller One: No, it's MADNESS!!! I used your Pocket Universe andnow I am the last man in world gone mad!!!
Sifl: What's up, caller?
Caller One: I used your curse'd ball to get out of my Columbia House 8-Track Club...but I landed in a world where man has been usurped by the Platapus...It's Madness....*sounds of a struggle* Get your lousystinkin' flippers off me, you damn dirty Plata-ERGH! Popoun Blue is WOMBATS!!! IT'S WOMBATS!!! ACK! *dial tone*
Sifl: Hey, that was...dude, you can't diss the Omega Man.
Olly: Precious Roy is not responsible for Distopias or Darwinistic Nightmares...says so on the box, next caller.
Caller Two: Hey, I love the product...so much, I bought two.Well, I tossed one inside the other one and now everything I do happens twice.Is that some sort of Space-Time Continuim Rift problem? Can fix that with the vinyl repair patch that came with my kid's pool? (caller's voice echos oddly...fading out slowly)
Sifl: Hey, that was...dude, you can't diss the Omega Man.
Olly: Precious Roy is not responsible for Distopias orDarwinistic Nightmares...says so on the box, next caller.
Caller Two: Hey, I love the product...so much, I boughttwo...and I tossed one inside the other one and now everything I do happens twiceIs that some sort of Space-Time Continuim Rift problem? Can fix that with thevinyl repair patch that came with my kid's pool? *There is a pause...SnO shake their heads as if to loosensomthing*
Sifl: We better talk to Precious Roy...this is...this is...I'm just not with this.
Olly: Precious, school us!
Precious Roy: Dis is Precious Roy...and my mandible strength wasdeemed legendary by the classical Greeks!!!
Olly: Precious, come on...the Pocket Universe...
Precious Roy: Wax on, wax off!!! SUCKERS!!!
*PR Jingle...plays twice*
