[cue peppy 'buy buy buy' music with disco beat]
Sifl: Hi, folks, welcome to the Precious Roy Home ShoppingNetwork... I'm--
Olly: ...where once again we save your bacon by catering to youlazy asses out there who haven't sent off your Xmas gifts yet!
Sifl: uhhh....
Olly: What's wrong with you people?! Your Aunt Sadie's in a home in Sun City, thinking, "where's my special gift from my favoritistniece and or nephew?" Your Aunt Jemima's in the garage, hoping for some Xmas cheer and maybe a burger or something, and THERE YOU ARE. In front of your FANCY-SCHMANCY computer, too busy accessing Reindeer porn toshop for anyone else! Shame Shame!
Sifl: Hey, you said you wouldn't mention the Reindeer porn! nowget to it--
Olly: Folks, how many times has your wassail toast been drownedout by all the relatives hacking and coughing their way through thevestiges of flu bugs? Let's face it, 'Tis the season for some of the mostpersistent colds of the year, and there's just no excape from those seasonal elfallergies that have you groaning on the floor with two rolls of papertowels stuffed up your nose.
Sifl: Well, you know the problems I've been having groaning with elves.
Olly: Sifl, you've had some serious-ass stuffing towels up yourelves problems! Well, Precious Roy, in his Magi-like wisdom, hascombined one of the all-time favorite gifts of the Season with temporary relieffrom coughing sniffling stuffyhead fever so you can rest! Hear me,sufferers! It's the Precious Roy Cough Drop Cake! It's festive in red greenand yellow, It's Cherry-Mint-Honey-Anise - and Eucalyptelicious! It'sloaded with so much zinc, you're gonna poop nickels!
Sifl: Awww dude!
Olly: Can you imagine the glad tidings and good joy this will bring to any table? It's medicinal, durable, and non-denominational, what MORE could you freakin' ask for? Let's take some calls-
Caller #1: Hi, I-
Olly: What?! What?! you want MORE? Fine, you spoiled little Tiny Tim, it's supposed to be the season for charity and giving, but noo... Mr.Gimme-pants just wants extras, bonuses, more more MORE!
Caller #1: well, um...
Olly: FINE. Precious Roy could forsee your seasonal greed and will throw in a couple of Crab Eclairs. You Happy?!?!
Caller #1: (click)
Olly: Some people are never satisfied NEXT CALL!
Caller #2: Hi, I'm a burglar, and I enjoy doping people's foodso I can maximize my burglery?-
Sifl: ... I follow you so far..
Caller #2: I was wondering if you had any gift assortments of the Precious Roy Nyquil Cordials left over from last year? 'Cos those worked really well in my home invading.
Sifl: Dude, those are past the expiration date, but if you can get a referral from your doctor, we can score you some Codeine CandyCanes. Just drop it off at our 24-hour window.
Caller #2: crescent! Olly: Time's -a - Wastin'! Precious Roy, watcha packin'?
PR: Dis is Precious Roy, and I'm stuck in citron!
Olly: No, Precious, it's the Lozenge cakes.....
PR: Buy my Aroma....SUCKERS!
