Jeff's Failed Try

(Jeff, a rodent-sized human with red hair, walks up to Ranger HQ and knocks on the door. Chip answers.)

CHIP:Can I help you?

JEFF:Yes, I'd like to be a Rescue Ranger.

(Chip is a bit startled by this, but recovers smoothly)

CHIP:And who, may I ask, are you?

JEFF:Well, technically, I'm the personification of the author, but to you I would be a dedicated, valuable, and handsome member of your team.

(Chip looks Jeff over head to toe. Jeff nervously smiles.)

CHIP(takes out a notepad):So, what are your qualifications?

JEFF:Well, I can write music.

CHIP(in an appraising tone):Uh huh.

JEFF:And, I can try to make instant, improbable, MacGyver-ish style devices designed to get us out of tough spots.

CHIP:We already have Gadget for that. (points with his pencil to the left, toward the hangar ledge where Gadget is working under the Ranger Wing.) She's right over there. Hey, Gadget!

(Gadget stops working for a second, manages a quick "H'lo!" and gets back to her tinkering.)

CHIP:Anything else?

JEFF:I can make witty remarks about any problem, turning a serious, heavy-handed predicament into a light-hearted, easily handled situation.

CHIP:OK, we have Dale for that. (looks inside door) Right, Dale?

(Dale is watching TV and doesn't look up)

DALE:Quiet, Chip! The Red Badger has cornered the evil Local 401 on behalf of the management and is going to demand that they give up their union benefits!

(Chip does a double take)

CHIP:Really?

DALE:No, actually, it's some mad scientist with a big missile. But it's still scary!

(Chip turns back to Jeff, who is now perspiring visibly)

CHIP:Describe in one sentence what valuable skills you could contribute to this team.

(Jeff thinks hard. A little too hard.)

JEFF(blurting out):I have my own car!

CHIP(skeptically):A human-sized car?

JEFF(a bit more confident):Yep. A human-sized car, right over there.

(Jeff points to a gray Ford Escort station wagon with a handicapped license plate, parked not far away)

CHIP(after looking for a second):That's your car?

JEFF:Yep.

CHIP:You own that car?

JEFF(a bit nervously):Well, my mom does. And it can park in handicapped spaces.

CHIP:And how, praytell, do you drive it?

(Jeff suddenly realizes he's rodent-sized and can't drive the car anymore. All he can do is grin like an idiot while Chip glances over his notes again. There is a painful silence.)

CHIP:What was your name again?

JEFF:Jeff.

CHIP:Jeff, do you know what the Rescue Rangers do?

JEFF:Sure I do, they fight crime and help those in trouble.

CHIP:And how will writing music or claiming to have a human-sized car help our team fight crime and help those in trouble?

JEFF:Uh. . .

CHIP:Why do you want to be a Rescue Ranger?

JEFF:Because you guys are the best and I just want to be part of the team!

(Chip lets out a sigh.)

CHIP:I'm sorry, Jeff, but unfortunately at this time we have no need for--

(Dale bounds into the doorway, knocking Chip aside and to the floor)

DALE:Hey, Chip! Who're ya talkin' to?

CHIP(slightly muffled due to the fact that his jacket is now over his head):What's the big idea?

JEFF:I wanna be a Rescue Ranger!

DALE:Really? That's great! But, (suddenly suspicious)you're not one of those, uh, Sue Mary thingys, are you?

JEFF(completely befuddled, but trying hard not to show it):Not at all.

DALE:Great! Let me show you around!

(Meanwhile, Chip has composed himself and now confronts Dale.)

CHIP:Dale, what are you doing?!?

DALE(defensive):I was just being nice. If you wanna confuse this guy with all your notepad mumbo-jumbo, then--

CHIP(defensive):That's what I'm supposed to do! We can't just let anybody be a Rescue Ranger!

DALE:Oh, yeah?

CHIP:Yeah!

(Chip and Dale are nose to nose and start their trademark chattering arguement. Jeff, still with a forced smile, looks from one to the other.)

JEFF:Uh, maybe I'll pass on the Rescue Ranger idea. Maybe I'll try being one of the Mario Brothers, Pitfall Harry, or a Star Trek TNG character, because those were my other childhood daydreams.

(Jeff walks away, leaving the 'munks behind still arguing.)