The REAL Election 2000

       (studio)

       Stan Blather: This is Stan Blather, with the live coverage of Election 2000. It looks to be a
	close race tonight between the two presidential candidates: Chip Maplewood of the Acorn party
	and Dale Oakmont of the Nuthead party. The two have been neck-and-neck in the polls, and
	tonight will no doubt prove to be no exception.

       Color Commentator 1:It's interesting to see the nip-and-tuck race these two have had over the
	past few months. Maplewood's popularity between both genders in the middle class soared when
	his running mate Gadget Hackwrench was announced back in June, but Oakmont has been putting
	in a strong race as well. His running mate, Monterey Jack, has not proved to be a boon to his
	ticket but not a detriment either.

       Color Commentator 2:That's right. Oakmont has been running his campaign on the character issue.
	There has been hardly any mud-slinging coming from the Nuthead party, as Dale seems to be
	running purely on his connection with the people. He seems to have a strong connection with the
	blue-collar American, which will no doubt strengthen him in the polls tonight.

       Color Commentator 1:Maplewood's campaign has been strong as well. He knows the issues very well
	and has some excellent leadership qualities, but he can't make that same connection with the
	average American that Oakmont has managed to pull off in this election year.

       Blather: The polls have just closed on the East Coast. Maplewood has taken most of New England
	with the exception of New Hampshire, which goes to Oakmont. Maplewood also nets New York,
	New Jersey, and Maryland, but Pennsylvania, with its 23 electoral votes is still in the
	undecided column. Oakmont comes away with New Hampshire, Virginia, North Carolina, South
	Carolina, and Georgia. Florida is still undecided. We go now to our field reporter Tom Broken,
	who is at the Acorn party headquarters at City Park right now.

       (Acorn party HQ. Several supporters are in the background, cheering and carrying signs that say
	"Maplewood 2000. He knows what he's doing.")

       Broken: Spirits are very optimistic here at the Acorn party headquarters as Maplewood and
	Hackwrench gave an encouragement speech to a large crowd here tonight.

       (earlier footage. Chip and Gadget on hangar ledge of RR tree)

       Chip: We feel tonight that we have connected with the people here tonight and we will continue
	to do so with the entire country. I have led a strong campaign through these past months and I
	know that with the support of our American people we can win this election and retain the Acorn
	party control of our presidency, which has kept the crime rate low these past years and will
	continue to do so!

       Gadget: Golly! It's great that all of you came out here tonight and are just getting involved!
	If Chip and I are elected, we'll make sure this country works great with no problems!

       (Wild cheers from crowd)

       Gadget(barely audible amidst cheers):Well, at least we should be able to run this country
	with no problems.

       (Chip gives Gadget a slightly nervous look)

       (live)

       Broken: Maplewood has raised spirits high tonight and the party is confident, especially after
	the wins in the crucial states of New York and Florida. I have here with me an Acorn party
	supporter. Ma'am, how do you feel about the direction this election has taken so far?

       Tammy: Oh, I know that Chipper can pull through. He's so brave and strong and
	heroic. . .(she gets a dreamy look in her eyes)

       Broken: There you have it. Confidence is high here at the Acorn party headquarters on this
	election night. Back to the studio.

       (studio)

       Blather: Thank you, Tom. An update on the situation: Pennsylvania has been placed in the
	Maplewood category. However, due to some faulty computer information in Florida, it has been
	pulled back into the undecided category. For as we all know: to err is human, but to really
	screw up requires a computer.

       Color Commentator 1:It's interesting to note that even though Maplewood appears to be currently
	ahead, his campaign tactics have been less than scrupulous. From Chip's superior attitude to
	Dale, to his slogan "He knows what he's doing," to the infamous debate a few weeks ago when
	Maplewood bonked Oakmont over the head, it's clear that Maplewood is displaying himself as a
	more qualified candidate, but also one that will stop at nearly nothing short of illegal to
	cement his place as the next president.

       Color Commentator 2:Oakmont's campaign has been relatively clean, with his current slogan
	"Oakmont and Jack. A gouda choice for the White House." and his down-to-earth fun-loving
	nature, something that Maplewood is lacking. Oakmont has also praised Maplewood highly, only
	criticizing him in the debates for not understanding the true feelings of the American working
	class.

       Color Commentator 1:Oakmont's debates have helped boost his popularity in the polls immensely.
	Due to negative campaign ads by the Acorn party showing Oakmont as a "goof-up" and a "lazy
	slacker," Maplewood's popularity was high until the debates, where Oakmont showed a calm,
	cool exterior with a real grasp of the American people. However, none of us can forget the
	night of the third debate, when the question was asked about Miss Hackwrench's decision to
	join the Maplewood campaign, rejecting Oakmont's previous offer. I've never seen two candidates
	talk so fast and unintelligibly before.

       Color Commentator 2:Speaking of the vice presidential candidates, they may be what wins the
	election for Maplewood. The vice-presidential debate was clearly won by Miss Hackwrench, and
	the disclosure in August about Mr. Jack's "Desiree DeLure" scandal hasn't improved opinions
	much regarding the Nuthead party.

       Color Commentator 1:The only problem with the Acorn vice presidential candidate is the same one
	as the presidential candidate. They seem to be very out-of-touch with the average American
	citizen. During the debate Miss Hackwrench showed a clear understanding of the issues, but
	seemed to be distracted, especially when she started explaining the friction coefficients of
	the national deficit. The entire audience was confused, but Mr. Jack took it all in stride.

       Blather: We now go live to the Nuthead party headquarters at the comic book store downtown with
	our field reporter Petey Tennings.

       (comic book store. Several people in the background waving "Oakmont and Jack. A gouda choice" signs)

       Tennings: Thank you Stan. Despite early results showing the Maplewood party in the lead,
	spirits are still running high at the Nuthead party headquarters. The optimistic, easygoing
	style of Oakmont's entire campaign seems to be prevalent here tonight. I have with me a Nuthead
	party supporter. Do you think Oakmont has a shot even after results show Maplewood in the lead?

       Zipper:Bzz bzz bzz bz bz bzzz! Bzz bzz bz bzzzz bzzbzz bzzzz bz bzz bzzz bzz, bz bzz bzz bz.

       Tennings: There you have it. Truer words have never been spoken about the spirit here at the
	Oakmont campaign tonight. We also have some footage of an earlier speech given by Oakmont.

       (earlier footage. Dale and Monty are on the roof of the comic book store.)

       Dale: Wowie-Zowie! This has been a great couple o' months, hasn't it? You guys are great! Just
	like in the Red Badger of Courage episode 14, where the Badger buddies combine to stop the evil
	Dr. Breathmint, who was selling Dementos to the entire city, which were like Mentos but instead
	of being the freshmaker, they were the MMPH!--

       (Monty clasps his hand over Dale's mouth)

       Monty: What me lit'le pallie's trying to say here tonight is that 'e couldn'a done this without
	your support.

       Dale: That's right, Monterey. And I promise that once we get in the White House, we'll have
	someone in there that knows what you want! The comic book stores will be tax exempt! The tariffs
	will be lowered on chocolate imports! And there will be parties on the White House lawn every
	Saturday for those who bring me new Iron Goose CDs!

       (Wild cheers from the crowd)

       (live)

       Tennings: Oakmont's wacky spirit has enraptured the audience here tonight, and this race is far
	from over. Back to you in the studio.

       (studio)

       Blather: Thank you, Petey. Ohio has joined the Oakmont category. With its 21 electoral votes
	Oakmont has made a large comeback. We await the polls to close in the Central Time Zone in a
	few minutes. This is Stan Blather for our election 2000 coverage, and we'll be back after
	these messages.