These are actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only styling time I have!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's "just" a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(The hell you say.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could reduce how many accidents by keeping those 5-year-olds off fork lifts?)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space, I suppose.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Imagine my surprise.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(I'm glad they cleared that up...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Do I even want to go there?)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)