· "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking"
· "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
· "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby."
· "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
· "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."
· "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
· "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
· "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
· "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
· "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
· "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
· "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
· "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
· "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
· "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
· "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
· "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
· "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
· "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep."
· "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"
