Maybe if I sit out here in the rain long enough I'll just melt away into the grass, never to be seen or heard from again. I wish I could be so lucky. I already feel like I'm melting, every part of me slowly fading away with each thick drop of rain that hits me. My happiness, my comfort, my friendships, my love. What kind of man am I after I have screwed up everything that means something to me? Everything that has made my life matter.
All I know is that when it comes down to it, I'm always the one who gets left with nothing. The perpetual cycle that has become me and Joey's relationship has always ended up fucking me over in the end, but that never stops me from coming crawling back, just so that I can get my heart stomped on all over again. All of the advice and all of the common sense in the world can't seem to keep me away from her. I should know better by now, but when she looks up at me with those amazing eyes of hers and when she kisses me, nothing except my love for her seems to make any sense. I close my eyes and I tell myself that it could be different this time. Things can change, they can get better...but they never do. The only thing that changes is that each time I end up getting hurt a little bit more, and each time I fall deeper in love. You'd think that I'd be numb to it by now, but I'm not, the wounds always stay fresh, deep.
It would be so much easier if I could hate her, if I was angry. Then maybe I could finally forget about some of this agony that I'm feeling and just concentrate on the hate, but no matter how deep I dig, there isn't any. The only hate I feel is towards myself. This is all my fucking fault.
I don't know why I decided to come here. Sitting in a spot where Joey and I spent so much time together will probably only make things worse...but I don't have anywhere else to go. We used to have picnics right here in the park when we were still in collage, during some of the few times that she wasn't involved with me or Dawson. She would come down from Worthington to visit me and we would just sit out here as friends. We would joke and spar and laugh and complain about collage and there was never the underlying layer of angst and pain that exists between us now. I loved her then almost as much as I do now and even though all I got from her was friendship, I was still happy. I didn't have to live with all of this deception and self-loathing that I do now. And I was able to call up my best friend and tell him that I had just spent a great weekend with Joey, instead of pretending that I had never seen her at all.
I can make out a women's figure sprinting towards me in the distance and even from here I can already tell who it is. Her long legs pounding against the pavement, her hair and clothes wet with the rain. I wonder what it is that made her come after me. Maybe I shouldn't even gets my hopes up thinking that she's actually coming after me. I mean, this is Joey Potter we're talking about here. For all I know, she's probably looking for Dawson.
"Pacey!" she shouts as she gets closer. "Pacey!"
I can't decide whether I should just get up and start running in the opposite direction or if I should stand up for myself and tell her off right here. I don't know if I can really do either one. But this is it. I have to stop this right now.
She slows down as she nears me, stopping a few feet in front of where I'm sitting on the wet grass.
"God, Pacey. I've been looking all over for you," she heaves, short of breath.
I look up at her, squinting in the rain. My words disappear in her presence and all I can manage to ask is, "Why?"
"Because...," she stammers. "I...You can't just leave it like that."
"Oh, really?" I laugh grimly, rising to my feat. I take a few steps towards her and lean my head close to hers. "Watch me," I hiss as I turn around and walk off in the opposite direction.
"Pacey, wait!" she shouts over the rain, jogging up behind me. "Stop!"
When I don't, she grabs me by the arm and wrenches me around to face her with all of her strength.
"Don't do this," I warn, pulling my arm away from her grip. "For the last time, Joey, it's over," I say steadily. "And this isn't like the hundreds of other times that I've said this, because this time I actually mean it. This is over."
I stare at her as her eyes begin to fill with tears and I have to will my legs to move again, to not go and comfort her. I have to force myself to turn around again.
"But it can't be!" she shouts after a few seconds, her voice thick with tears. She falls instep behind me. I close my eyes and keep walking, letting out an exasperated sigh. This can't be happening again. I can already feel my resolve weakening, the little control that I had slipping away. Just keep walking, Pacey. Just keep walking.
She grabs my arm again from behind, harder this time and I stop, quickly shaking off her embrace. "Why not, Joey?" I ask angrily, whipping around to face her. "Why shouldn't this be over? You've got Dawson. You don't need me."
She takes a small step toward me. "No. I do need you, Pacey."
"For what? An easy lay?"
She stares at me for a moment, looking like she's just been slapped. "Don't say that, Pacey," she says, shaking her head. "How could you say that? You know that's not true."
"Do I?"
"Yes!" she exclaims, taking another step closer to me. She reaches up to touch my cheek and I flinch, pulling away from her touch. She drops her hands to her sides in defeat. "Pacey," she says quietly, her voice barely audible above the loud pounding of the rain. "I love you."
Although my eyes remain cold and humorless, I can't help but laugh. "You love me? Right. You love me so much that you're marrying my best friend," I smirk. "I'm really looking forward to the wedding. Save me a dance."
I go to turn away, but her voice stops me. "No, Pacey." She takes a deep breath. "I'm not marrying Dawson."
I pause. "You're--you're not?"
"No," she says, shaking her head. "I'm afraid that you won't be dancing at our wedding...because there isn't going to be one."
"Wh...Why not?"
"Well, I know that it took me way too long to realize it...but I'm in love with someone else...and I know that I don't deserve him and that I've done nothing but hurt him in the past, but I'm not going to let him walk away from me this time. I don't care what anyone thinks or says, because I need him too much...And I'm willing to give up everything just to be able to hold him again."
"Are you going to tell him?"
She smiles. "Yes."
She closes the short distance between us, but this time I don't move away. I don't even think that I can move at all right now. I can feel my eyes start to fill with tears, part of me dying to wrap my arms around her and the other part paralyzed with disbelief.
"Pacey," she continues softly. "You're all that I want."
And without thinking, I sweep her into my arms and kiss her with every ounce of emotion that I have. Who knows if this time is going to be any different from the many others? But at least I get this moment. The incredible moment where nothing matters but us.
"I love you," I whisper in-between our kisses, saying it more for myself than for her.
Her tears continue as we kiss, mixing with the rain and falling to the ground. And for the first time in years, I feel that feeling again. I'm happy. Because we're happy.
God, she's so beautiful. Every single inch of her is perfect. No matter how many times I've placed my hands on her skin, every day it feels new and amazing...and wonderful. I could spend the rest of my life just like this, lying here in bed with her, listening to her breathe and holding her close to me, feeling her heart beat against mine.
I love her so much.
"Pace?" she whispers softly, lifting her head to rest her chin on my chest and looking me in the eyes.
"Yeah?" I ask, my hands playing across her back, never willing to stop touching her.
"Why did I find you at Evergreen park tonight?"
I raise a hand to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. "I don't know," I shrug, my hand smoothing across her cheek. "I just starting walking and the next thing I knew, I was sitting there at our old spot in the grass."
"I used to love our picnics," she smiles. "It was my escape from school...and from life. All I had to do was hop in the car and drive down here and everything was okay. No matter what was going on in my life, I could just sit out there with you on the grass and laugh for hours."
"You know, we should definitely resurrect that tradition," I say, kissing her on the forehead.
"We should," she agrees.
"It was much better than movie night," I say before I have time to think about it, hating the words as soon as they've come out.
The reference to Dawson seems to hang in the air between us and I let out a long sigh. I just had to open my big mouth, didn't I?
"Dawson," she whispers. "We're gonna have to tell Dawson."