Christmas Episode
Written by
Fran Drescher & Peter Marc Jacobson
Directed by
Lee Shallat
Executive Producers
Robert Sternin & Prudence Fraser
Final Draft
December 1, 1993
Show #108
COLD OPENING
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
NILES IS DECORATING THE STAIRCASE WITH CRANBERRY
STRINGS AND GARLAND. FRAN AND THE KIDS ENTER FROM
OUTSIDE, DRESSED IN ICE-SKATING OUTFITS. THE CHILDREN
CARRY THEIR SKATES. FRAN MUNCHES ON A BAG OF CHESTNUTS.
THEY HANG THEIR COATS IN THE ENTRY HALL CLOSET.
FRAN: Okay kids, run upstairs, hang up
your skates, and don’t forget to
put those wet clothes in the hamper.
MAGGIE AND BRIGHTON EXIT UPSTAIRS.
NILES: No wet clothes for you, Miss Fine?
FRAN: I didn’t fall.
GRACE: She didn’t skate..
GRACE EXITS UP STAIRS, TOO.
NILES: And yet, such a lovely ensemble.
FRAN: Hey, you should see what I wear when
I don’t play tennis. (THEN, NOTICING
DECORATIONS) Oh, cranberries on a
string. Who started that tradition?
NILES: Probably Ocean Spray.
FRAN: Niles you old Scrooge. Get into the spirit.
NILES: Spoken by one who doesn’t have to
clean it all up.
FRAN: That’s the thing about Chanukka.
Eight candles and a Menorah. No
muss, no fuss.
NILES: Is it too late to convert?
FRAN: Never. We’ll give you a bar
mitzvah, and of course, a
circumcision –
NILES: Suddenly I’m filled with the
spirit of Christmas.
FADE OUT.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
EST. MUSIC: TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
MAXWELL IS DIRECTING FROM A CHAIR HOW THE CHRISTMAS
TREE GETS TRIMMED. NILES STRINGS THE LIGHTS. THE CHILDREN
AND FRAN HAVE FORMED AN ASSEMBLY-LINE TO UNWRAP
ORNAMENTS. FRAN IS HUMMING ALONG WITH THE MUSIC FROM
THE STEREO.
FX: FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE
FRAN: My first real Christmas tree.
I’m so excited.
FRAN BEGINS TO PLACE TINSEL ON THE TREE.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, what on earth are you doing?
FRAN: I’m puttin’ on a tinsel.
BRIGHTON: (MOCK SHOCK) Not before
the lights.
FRAN: Oh, is that a faux pas?
MAGGIE: Lights first, ornaments second,
tinsel, always last.
MAXWELL: But just a whisper.
GRACE: Father’s very anal about his
tree trimming.
FRAN: One year we begged my mother for a
Christmas tree. She called it a Chanukka
Bush. P.S., the candles from the Menorah
set the flocking on fire and the fumes put my
father in the emergency room.
MAXWELL: A variation on the burning bush classic.
FRAN: Well, my mother took the whole thing
as a sign from God, and from then on we
spent every Christmas at the Fountain Bleu
in Miami. To this day I can’t get a whiff of
Bain de Soleil without havin’ a yen for eggnog.
NILES: Sir…
MAXWELL: Ready, everyone? Three, two, one!
MAXWELL PLUGS IN THE LIGHTS, ILLUMINATING THE TREE.
ALL: Ooh!
MAXWELL: Niles, I thought we agreed on twinkling lights.
NILES: Here.
NILES TAKES THE PLUG FROM HIM AND PULLS IT OUT,
CAUSING THE LIGHTS TO GO OUT. HE THEN PUSHES THE
PLUG BACK IN. THE LIGHTS GO ON AGAIN. HE REPEATS
THIS SEVERAL TIMES.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I realize it’s a holiday
and a bit of an imposition, but is it at
all possible for you to work on Christmas day?
FRAN: Are you kidding? To be a part of a real Christmas?
It’s a dream come true. I bet Niles makes a great
razzleberry dressing.
MAXWELL: Razzle what?
FRAN: (A LA TINY TIM) And razzleberry dressing…
(THEN, OFF MAXWELL’S LOOK) What,
you never saw Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol?
Uch, and you’re in the theater.
MAXWELL: Precisely, which is why I need you to work
Christmas day. I’ll be in D.C. producing a
benefit at the Kennedy Center.
FRAN: You won’t be home for Christmas?
GRACE: He’s never home for Christmas.
MAXWELL: Grace, we’ve been through all this.
We’re raising money for children
who aren’t as fortunate as we are.
BRIGHTON: (SOTTO, TO GRACE) Yeah, but keep
laying in the guilt, we’ll get better presents.
MAXWELL: We’re not canceling it altogether.
We’ll simply celebrate it a day early.
MAXWELL EXITS.
FRAN: He’s moving Christmas? You can do that?
NILES: They do it for Washington’s birthday.
NILES EXITS
FRAN: You go to all that trouble fathering a country,
and before you know it, you’re sharing the third
Monday in February with Lincoln and a white sale.
GRACE: He’s never home on Lincoln’s Birthday either.
FRAN: Guess we’re on our own for Christmas. So, let’s
write our letters to Santa.
GRACE: Isn’t that cute. She still believes in Santa.
FRAN: I believe in anyone who delivers.
BRIGHTON: Well, we believe in Edna.
FRAN: Edna Claus? Would that be the missus?
MAGGIE: No, she’s Dad’s personal shopper.
She buys all our gifts.
FRAN: So what you’re saying is, you give your
list to Edna, and she gives it to Santa.
GRACE: Fran, please, I wasn’t born yesterday.
MAGGIE: Fran, it’s better this way. When she
believed in him, she drove herself crazy.
BRIGHTON: Crazier. She thought Santa was always
watching her. Was she naughty? Was she nice?
GRACE: Plus, he had me on some list and he
was checking it twice.
FRAN: (EXASPERATED) Gracie, chill out, he’s
Santa, not Joe McCarthy. If you did believe
in Santa, what would you want him to bring you?
GRACE: Daddy for Christmas.
FRAN: How about a nice “Easy Bake” oven?
GRACE AND THE KIDS AREN’T CHEERED.
FRAN (CONT’D): Alright, wait here.
FRAN EXITS TO HALLWAY.
RESET TO:
INT. HALLWAY – A MOMENT LATER
FRAN ENCOUNTERS NILES IN THE HALLWAY.
FRAN: Uch, Niles, these poor kids are real
grinches, and that Gracie’s the anti-Claus.
I gotta talk to Mr. Sheffield.
NILES: Well, I hope you’re not going to upset him, he’s
writing out the staff Christmas bonuses.
FRAN: How do you know?
NILES: Well, did you think the keyholes
polished themselves?
FRAN: So the Nanny gets a Christmas bonus, too?
Oh, that’s great news, ‘cause I want to buy
each of the kids something fabulous, but
have you seen the price of fabulous now a days?
NILES: Please. I can’t even afford wonderful.
Fortunately, Mr. Sheffield is usually
very generous.
FRAN: Well, if he thinks a check is gonna make
up for his not being here…
NILES: Four figures, Miss Fine.
FRAN: Glory to the new born king.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. LIBRARY – LATER
MAXWELL IS WRITING CHECKS. C.C. STANDS NEARBY.
C.C.: Oh Maxwell, look what I’m standing
under… is that mistletoe?
MAXWELL: (TEASING) I’m not sure. It looks
rather more like holly.
C.C.: It’s mistletoe. And I believe tradition
calls for a kiss.
FRAN ENTERS..
FRAN: Alright.
SHE GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK.
C.C.: (WIPING HER FACE) Merry Christmas
Nanny Fine.
FRAN: Whoops I got some lipstick
on ya cheek…
C.C.: Oh for heaven’s sake.
FRAN: Meanwhile that shade looks gorgeous on you.
Do you really have to go outta town for Christmas?
C.C.: Yes, he does.
FRAN: (TO MAXWELL) I love the way you
throw your voice like that.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, I have to be there.
C.C.: It’s a very important benefit. We’re
raising money for the… Who are we
raising money for? The poor, right?
MAXWELL AND FRAN GIVE HER A LOOK.
MAXWELL: I’d love to spend Christmas day
with the family, but I just can’t.
C.C.: We can’t.
FRAN: You’re going, too?
C.C.: (SMILING) Uh-huh.
MAXWELL: (QUICKLY) And we’ll be
working the entire time.
C.C.: Well, I think we’ll have time for dinners…
MAXWELL: No, no dinner. The only reason I’m
going away with Miss Babcock is for charity.
C.C.: Thank you, Maxwell.
MAXWELL: Well, you know what I mean.
C.C.: No, no I don’t.
MAXWELL: Was there anything else, Miss Fine?
FRAN : Far be it from me to tell ya’ how
to do Christmas, but you’re doing
it all wrong. The father’s going away,
kids don’t believe in Santa, and I haven’t
seen one stinkin’ partridge in a pear tree.
MAXWELL: Well, that’s why we’re moving it up a
day. And I really want to make it special.
So I’ve told my personal shopper to go all out.
FRAN: That’s another thing. This woman doesn’t
know our kids. A personal shopper is so
impersonal. Although, not a bad career choice.
C.C.: I’ve got an idea. During those many hours when
the children are in school…
FRAN: Yeah…
C.C.: And you basically have nothing to do.
FRAN: I fill my days.
C.C.: Why don’t you get their gifts?
MAXWELL: That’s not the worst idea. You
would know what they want.
FRAN: Don’t you want to pick out your own
presents? If it were me, I’d much rather
get something you picked out yourself.
Believe me, a gift from the heart means
so much more.
MAXWELL: (GETTING INTO IT) Well, I suppose I
could find some time to pop into F.A.O.
Schwarz. But what do they want?
FRAN: Trust me, whatever you pick out they
will love and cherish forever. (BEAT)
Just make sure it’s returnable.
FRAN EXITS.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. VESTIBULE/LIVING ROOM – A FEW DAYS LATER
FRAN AND VAL ENTER, LOADED WITH SHOPPING BAGS, ETC.
MAXWELL CAN BE SEEN ATTEMPTING TO ASSEMBLE A BICYCLE.
NILES STANDS BY READY TO ASSIST.
FX: SNOW FALLING
FRAN: I got such great stocking-stuffers for the kids.
VAL: Are you putting up a stocking?
FRAN: I figured I’d hang up my pantyhose,
that way I’ll get double.
THEY CROSS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
FRAN: Hiya, Mr. Sheffield.
MAXWELL: Hello ladies.
FRAN: Ooh, looks like we’re not the only ones
who went shopping.
MAXWELL: Oh, yes. We had a wonderful time.
Children laughing, people passing,
meeting smile after smile.
NILES: He’s been doing that all day.
MAXWELL: Admit it, old man, we had fun.
NILES: Only when you let me ride in the cart.
MAXWELL: (TO FRAN) So what do you think of Brighton’s
bicycle.
FRAN: Who designed it, Picasso?
MAXWELL: It isn’t finished yet. The salesman
said serious cyclers build their
equipment themselves.
NILES: Oh, they saw him coming.
FRAN: Well, if ya’ need a few pointers, Val’s
very mechanical…
Val: (MODESTLY) I’m a plumber’s daughter.
MAXWELL: I’m a grown man, I’m sure I am perfectly
capable of assembling a child’s bicycle.
FRAN: May the testosterone be with you.
MAXWELL: Niles, I need a Phillips Head screwdriver.
NILES PASSES THE SCREWDRIVER TO MAXWELL
LIKE A SURGEON’S ASSISTANT WOULD.
NILES: Phillips Head, sir.
MAXWELL: Niles, this is not a Phillips Head.
(TO VAL) Is it?
VAL: (EXAMING IT CLOSELY) No.
NILES: Who was this Phillip anyway?
FRAN: And what must his head have looked like?
MAXWELL: If you want something done, you have
to do it yourself. (BEAT) Val?
MAXWELL AND VAL EXIT. NILES BEGINS
STRINGING POPCORN.
FRAN: Look at this gorgeous sweater for
Maggie. I got great stuff for everyone.
You think Brighton likes Aramis?
NILES: What happened? Did you win
the lottery?
FRAN: I wish. More like rubber checks. Relax.
I’m not gonna let them bounce. Tomorrow
I get my Christmas bonus, Saturday and
Sunday the banks are closed. Monday I
make an instant deposit, and I’ve done my
part to stimulate the economy.
NILES: Don’t you have a credit card?
FRAN: Not since my little run-in with
Edward Scissorhands at Macy’s.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. LIVING ROOM – CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING
IT IS THE CRACK OF DAWN AND FRAN, DRESSED
IN COLORFUL HOLIDAY ROBE AND SLIPPERS
CHEERFULLY GOES DOWN THE STAIRCASE FOLLOWED
BY MAXWELL.
FX: SNOW FALLING OUTSIDE.
FX: FIRE IN FIREPLACE.
FRAN: (CALLING BEHIND HER)
Come on everyone. Merry… eh-
MAXWELL: Merry morning of the day
before Christmas.
THE CHILDREN ENTER IN ASSORTED ROBES
AND SLEEPWEAR.
FRAN: (RE: PLATE ON FOYER TABLE) Look
Grace, Santa took a bite out of the cookie
we left him.
GRACE: I didn’t know Santa wore red lipstick.
FRAN: (BEAT) The man gets out of the
house once a year. Live and let live!
MAGGIE RUNS TO GRAB A GIFT FOR FRAN.
MAGGIE: Fran would you open my present first?
FRAN: Before the family?… Alright.
FRAN TAKES GIFT AND BEGINS TO UNWRAP.
MAGGIE: I hope you like it… I made it
myself… I mean it’s okay if you don’t…
FRAN: Honey, I’m sure I’ll love it, ‘cause
a gift from the heart is worth more than
the present itself. Right Mr. Sheffield?
(SHE WINKS AT MAXWELL)
MAXWELL: Absolutely, Miss Fine.
(HE RETURNS THE WINK)
AS FRAN OPENS HER GIFT FROM MAGGIE.
FRAN: (THRILLED, SEARCHING)
Ooooh –
MAGGIE: It’s a pajama holder.
FRAN: Ooooh. And I don’t already
have one.
NILES: (SOTTO TO FRAN) Because you
don’t wear any pajamas.
FRAN: You have polished your last keyhole.
(RISING) Thank you, Maggie. Now
who’s next? Oh, Mr. Sheffield…
FRAN GIVES MAXWELL A GIFT.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, how kind of you.
HE OPENS THE GIFT.
MAXWELL (CONT’D): I’ve always wanted a Swiss Army knife.
BRIGHTON: Cool, let me see.
BRIGHTON AND MAXWELL LOOK AT IT TOGETHER.
MAXWELL: Be very careful, Brighton. These
are designed for soldiers. It has all
kinds of intricate survival gadgetry.
What’s this?
FRAN: (SHE LOOKS) That’s the clipper for
your nose hair! You don’t want bushy
nostrils in battle.
NILES: Be all that you can be, sir.
BRIGHTON: Dad, I love my what is this?
MAXWELL: It’s a bicycle – kit.
FRAN: Bicycle kit?
MAXWELL: Half the fun of owning a bike is
building it yourself.
NILES HANDS BRIGHTON A SCREWDRIVER WITH A
BOW ON IT.
NILES: And this is from me.
BRIGHTON: Gee, guys, you shouldn’t have.
MAGGIE: He really wanted Cindy Crawford.
BRIGHTON: At least she’s built.
MAGGIE: Daddy, I love my pearls.
MAXWELL: I wanted your first string of pearls
to come from your old man.
SHE HUGS MAXWELL.
GRACE: (REMOVING WRAPPING PAPER)
Oh, “The Screamer”! Thank you.
MAXWELL: I’m glad you like it. And I hope you
understand why I can’t be here tomorrow.
GRACE: I understand.
MAXWELL: That’s my big girl. Merry
Christmas, sweetheart.
HE CROSSES TO NILES.
GRACE: Merry Christmas, Daddy.
SHE PUNCHES THE DOLL.
BRIGHTON: (SOTTO, TO MAGGIE) No
hidden hostility there.
MAXWELL: (RE: ENVELOPE HE PULLS OUT OF HIS
VEST POCKET) Niles ol’ man, what can
I say, year in and year out, you’re a friend
indeed. Thank you and Merry Christmas.
NILES TAKES THE ENVELOPE FROM MAXWELL AND
OPENS IT. IT’S A CHECK.
NILES: Thank you, Mr. Sheffield, this is more
than generous. It’s hard to express just
how much I… deserve this.
MAXWELL: You’re welcome. And Miss Fine…
FRAN: (DROOLING) Yeah?
MAXWELL: Your contribution to this family
has not gone unnoticed.
FRAN: I think I’m gonna cry.
MAXWELL: (HE HANDS HER THE BOX)
Thank you and Merry Christmas.
FRAN: What’s this?
SHE BEGINS OPENING GIFT.
MAXWELL: Your Christmas present. I gave it
a lot of thought and picked it out myself.
INSIDE THE BOX SHE FINDS A SMALL VASE WHICH SHE
TURNS EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE WITH HOPE THAT
A CHECK MIGHT FALL OUT.
FRAN: Oooh.
SHE CONTINUES TO SHAKE THE VASE.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT SAME MORNING
FRAN SITS DISCONSOLATELY AS NILES CLEANS
UP. THEY ARE ALONE.
FRAN: Me and my BIG mouth! Niles will you
come visit me in debtors’ prison.
NILES: Miss Fine, you should be flattered that
Mr. Sheffield got you a gift. I’ve never
known him to give a staff member anything
but a check.
FRAN: Well, who the hell needed that distinction?
Why can’t I mind my own business?
Be more like you… cold and aloof.
NILES: I’m no fool. (RE: VASE) You
know it really is a lovely vase.
FRAN: Gorgeous, but does it fit through an
automated teller? Niles, if you ever
catch me shopping again, just slap
me up side the head.
MAGGIE SKIPS DOWN STAIRS WEARING THE
NEW SWEATER FRAN BOUGHT HER.
FRAN: Maggie, honey. You’re wearing
the new sweater already?
FEELING UP THE KID’S ARM.
Maggie: Oh, I just love it. It’s the most
beautiful sweater I’ve ever seen.
FRAN: (CONCERNED) Oh isn’t that sweet…
Ya didn’t cut the tag off did ya?
DURING THE FOLLOWING, FRAN AND MAGGIE TUG
ON THE SWEATER.
Maggie: Yes. Why?
FRAN: (ON SECOND THOUGHT) Oh that’s
okay. I got the receipt.
Maggie: Fran, I’m keeping the sweater.
I love it.
FRAN: No you don’t.
Maggie: But Fran you picked it out.
It’s from the heart.
FRAN: (HUGGING MAGGIE) Really the minute
I saw it, I thought it had your name
written all over it. Go wear it in good health.
MAGGIE EXITS WITH ONE SLEEVE HANGING
TO HER KNEE.
FRAN: Now what am I gonna do?
NILES: That offer to loan you the money still stands.
FRAN: I consider you my friend, so I’ll be frank –
I’m not good for it.
NILES: Well, it really is an exquisite vase.
The perfect piece to begin one’s
personal art collection.
FRAN: Yeah… what do you think I
can get for it?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
EXT. PAWN SHOP – EST. SHOT
INT. PAWN SHOP – LATER THAT DAY
FRAN: I coulda taken it straight to Sothebys
but I’m givin’ you a break here. This
is antique hand-blown glass.
PAUL: Sweetheart, it’s a vase.
FRAN: It’s very old.
PAUL: So am I. Don’t you have something
I can unload? A VCR or a nice
semi-automatic weapon?
FRAN: Paulie, don’t you know a valuable
antique when you see it? It’s practically
Elizabethan.
PAUL: (SUDDENLY INTERESTED)
Elizabeth Taylor?
FRAN: No, Liz the Queen.
PAUL: Who?
FRAN: The bald one, with the big collar.
PAUL: Oh her. No can do. If ya’ said
Elizabeth Montgomery, ya’ know
“Bewitched”, then I could move it.
VAL: (DESPERATE) Uncle Paulie, will ya
please buy the vase? The woman owes the
world. She’s desperate, we’ll take anything.
FRAN: And that Val, is why you cannot get a
partner for bridge.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. LIVING ROOM – LATER THAT DAY (EARLY EVENING)
FRAN AND GRACE ARE WATCHING TV. BRIGHTON AND
MAGGIE ARE ATTEMPTING TO ASSEMBLE BRIGHTON’S
NEW BICYCLE. MAGGIE’S READING INSTRUCTIONS. NILES
IS PLACING THE LUGGAGE NEAR THE DOOR.
FRAN: (TO GRACE) Cheer up, honey.
(SWITCHING CHANNELS) Oh look,
my favorite, “It’s A Wonderful Life”.
GRACE: We’ve already seen it six times.
BRIGHTON: Today.
FRAN: There’s a Christmas special on
the Shopping Channel.
FRAN ONCE AGAIN SWITCHES CHANNELS.
TV ANNOUNCER (O.S.): “Call now, and you can own “It’s
A Wonderful Life” at a wonderful
price.”
FRAN: (TURNING OFF TV) Uch, can you
believe this? Although, for nine ninety-
five it is a classic.
FRAN REACHES FOR THE PHONE. NILES WALKS BY
AND SLAPS HER ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD.
FRAN: (CROSS-EYED) Thanks,
I needed that.
MAXWELL DESCENDS THE STAIRS.
MAXWELL: Niles, did you remember my attache?
Niles: Yes.
MAXWELL: My carry-on?
Niles: Always.
MAXWELL: Well then, seems like we
have everything.
C.C. ENTERS FROM THE LIBRARY.
C.C: Maxwell?
Niles: Oops, I guess I did forget
one old bag.
Grace: Daddy, I wish you could come
to church with us. Do you really
have to go?
MAXWELL: I wish I didn’t, Sweetheart. I’ll
miss you very much. All of you.
GRACE: Can’t we come with you?
C.C.: No! I mean, oh wouldn’t that be
grand? Unfortunately, we’ll be
working ‘round the clock.
MAXWELL: She’s right, Sweetheart. Even if
you came, I’d never get time to
see you. You’ll have more fun here.
FRAN: Honey, at least he just has to work
Christmas. My sister, the caterer, works
every holiday. Thank God we fast on
Yom Kippur, or we’d never see her.
MAXWELL AND C.C. CROSS TO VESTIBULE.
FRAN FOLLOWS THEM OUT.
MAXWELL: Thank you for that, Miss Fine.
And I do hope you like your vase.
FRAN: Heh?
MAXWELL: It reminded me of you. One of a kind
with just the right accent. You’ve been
a wonderful addition to our family. And
I hope you’ll cherish that vase as the children
cherish you.
MAXWELL EXITS AS NILES RE-ENTERS
FRAN: Niles, would you watch the kids?
I gotta go buy something.
NILES HITS FRAN UPSIDE THE HEAD, AS WE:
FLIP TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. PAWN SHOP – A SHORT WHILE LATER (NIGHT)
FRAN POUNDS ON A BELL AT THE COUNTER.
VAL: You know, every time a bell rings
an angel gets it’s wings.
FRAN: Who cares?
PAUL ENTERS.
FRAN (CONT’D): Paulie, I want my vase back!!
It’s right there next to… (STRAINING TO SEE IT) Richard
Burton’s toaster?
PAUL: It’s good to see them back together again.
VAL: Fran, you can’t do this. How you
going to pay your bills?
FRAN: I’ll think of something. That little
vase is the most meaningful gift I’ve
ever received in my whole life. (OFF
VAL’S LOOK) Except of course for
that Polaroid swinger ya gave me at
graduation.
VAL: Well, I was gonna say…
PAUL HANDS HER THE VASE.
PAUL: Here you go – four hundred dollars.
FRAN: Four hundred? You gave me two.
PAUL: Overhead… Storage…
FRAN: You’re a crook.
PAUL: Whatever.
FRAN: Paulie, work with me here.
would you take my watch?
FRAN STARTS TO TAKE THE WATCH OFF.
VAL: (GASPS) Oh, not your grandmother’s
watch! She gave that to you on her deathbed!
FRAN: Thank you, Val, you’re making this
a lot easier.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FIVE
EXT. JFK AIRPORT (STOCK SHOT) - EST.
INT. AIRPORT – A LITTLE WHILE LATER
MAXWELL IS ON THE PHONE. C.C. STANDS BY WAITING
FOR THEIR FLIGHT. SANTA IS NEARBY, RINGING A BELL
THROUGHOUT THE SCENE.
MAXWELL: (DISTRESSED) Thanks for telling me,
Niles. Have a good holiday, old man.
HE HANGS UP.
C.C.: What? What?
MAXWELL: I gave Miss Fine a gift in lieu of a
check and aparently she had to hock
her grandmother’s watch to pay for the
gifts she bought for the children.
C.C.: Oh, how tragic. It’s positively
Dickensian. (CHEERY) Oh well.
MAXWELL: I wish there was something I could do.
C.C.: Too bad, our flight leaves in ten minutes.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Flight 851 going to Washington Dulles
International airport will be delayed three
hours… Merry Christmas.
C.C.: Cocktails and dinner.
MAXWELL: I’ll be back.
AS HE EXITS.
C.C.: What if you miss the plane? What
about those poor underprivileged
people counting on us?
SANTA WALKS BY, RINGING THE BELL.
C.C. (CONT’D): Oh, give it a rest.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX
EXT. ST. PATRICK’S CATHEDRAL – EST. STOCK SHOT
NILES AND THE CHILDREN ARE SITTING IN A
PEW. FRAN ENTERS AND MAKES HER WAY
ACROSS THE PEW TOWARDS THEM.
FRAN: Excuse me, pardon me, silent
night, holy night.
NILES: Miss Fine, you’re late.
FRAN: I’m sorry, but I don’t have a
watch, remember? Oh, this place
is magnificent. Did I miss anything?
HE HANDS HER A BIBLE.
NILES: Here, this ought to bring you
up to date.
MEANWHILE, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN LINING UP TO
GO INTO CONFESSIONALS.
FRAN: Look at the crowd at the confessional.
There were shorter lines at the gift wrap
at Macy’s.
NILES: It’s been a rough year for everyone.
FRAN: Tell me about it. I’ve got a few things
I’d like to get off my chest. (SHE THINKS
A BEAT) Tell me Niles, are these confessionals
open to anyone? Or is it more like the Homeclub?
NILES: You in a confessional? I’d pay good money
to see that.
SHE STARTS EXITING THE PEW.
FRAN: Excuse me. All is calm.
All is bright.
NILES: Oh, God in heaven.
GRACE LEANS OVER TO BRIGHTON.
GRACE: Where is Fran going?
BRIGHTON: (PASSES DOWN TO MAGS) Grace
wants to know where Fran’s gone.
MAGGIE: What’s with Fran?
NILES: (TO MAGGIE) She went to confess.
MAGGIE: (TO BRIGHTON) She went to play chess.
BRIGHTON: (TO GRACE) She went to undress.
GRACE: What?
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SIX A
INT. CONFESSIONAL – A SHORT TIME LATER
FRAN OPENS THE CURTAIN. SHE SITS DOWN.
FRAN: Forgive me Father for I have
shopped…
SHE TAKES THE VASE OUT OF HER PURSE AND
SETS IT DOWN BESIDE HER.
FRAN: Boy, these benches are really
uncomfortable. You don’t want
people to stay long, huh?
FATHER: Stay as long as you like, I’m on
‘til midnight. Father Donahue got
Christmas week off. Again.
FRAN: I know just how you feel. I’m working
Christmas this year, and I was really looking
forward to it, but instead it’s gonna be awful.
The Father’s in Washington, the kids don’t
believe in Santa and I’m in hock up to my
ears. I just don’t know what to do.
FATHER: I hear the Fontaine Bleu’s nice this time
of year. (BEAT) At least Father Donahue
says so.
FRAN: Look , you have more experience with
Christmas than I do. Does it ever live
up to one’s expectations?
FATHER: That depends on what one expects.
FRAN: Oh, you’re good. See, that’s why they
shipped Father Donuhue off to Florida,
and you’re working St. Patty’s on Christmas Eve.
THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE
CONFESSIONAL.
FRAN (CONT’D): There’s someone in here.
MAXWELL: Miss Fine, it’s me. May I come in?
THE CURTAIN OPENS, MAXWELL POPS HIS HEAD IN.
FRAN: Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?
MAXWELL: Niles told me how I got you in trouble.
THE PRIEST REACTS.
FRAN: It’s not your fault. I should
have been more responsible.
FATHER: We do offer counseling for unwed mothers.
FRAN/MAXWELL: WHAT??
MAXWELL: For heaven’s sake Father, she’s not
overdue, she’s overdrawn!
FATHER: Forgive me. But you know I have been
in this little box for a very long time.
FRAN: (PATTING THE SCREEN)
It’s alright, Padre.
MAXWELL: You’ve been so generous to me and the
children and made it such a special
Christmas, but it shouldn’t cost you your
grandmother’s watch.
MAXWELL HANDS FRAN A WATCH CASE.
FRAN: (TOUCHED) Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
MAXWELL: I got the name of the pawn shop from Val.
FRAN: I don’t know what to say. (SHE OPENS
THE CASE) This isn’t my grandmother’s watch.
MAXWELL: Oh, the man in the pawn shop is an idiot.
FRAN: Val’s uncle. Mr. Sheffield, don’t feel bad.
Things could be worse. Have a seat. At
least I still have my beautiful –
MAXWELL PLOPS DOWN ON THE BENCH
NEXT TO FRAN.
SFX: BREAKING GLASS
FRAN (CONT’D): -- vase.
ANGLE ON: OUTSIDE OF CONFESSIONAL
MAXWELL (O.S.): Owww!
CHURCH BELLS AND HYMN SINGING MIX IN WITH
THE YELL, AS WE:
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE SEVEN
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM – A SHORT WHILE LATER
MAXWELL IS LYING ON HIS STOMACH SURROUNDED
BY FRAN AND THE CHILDREN. NILES IS DECORATING
THE ROOM FOR CHRISTMAS.
FRAN: Oh, I’m really sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
Talk about “The Nightmare Before
Christmas.” Tim Burton has nothing
on me.
MAXWELL: It’s quite alright. It’s not the pain so
much as the humiliation.
FRAN: There’s nothing to be humiliated about.
(ASIDE TO NILES) They really should
get backs for those gowns.
MAXWELL: I hope C.C. can handle a benefit by
herself. She must be in the air by now.
NILES: There go the friendly skies.
GRACE HANGS A TINSEL ON MAXWELL’S HEAD.
MAGGIE: Gracie don’t decorate Father.
MAXWELL: It’s all right.
HE SMILES AT GRACE AND MAGGIE.
SANTA (O.S.): Let me go! It’s Christmas Eve.
I’ve got things to do.
NURSE: In here.
ORDERLIES BRING IN SANTA IN A WHEELCHAIR.
SANTA: Don’t you know who I am?
ORDERLY #1: Yes we do. And we’ve been good all year.
THE ORDERLIES HELP HIM ONTO THE BED.
ORDERLY #2: So why don’t you be good and lie still
until the medication kicks in.
FRAN: What happened to him?
ORDERLY #1: Some drunk lady at the airport knocked
him out with his own bell.
SANTA: My ears are still ringing.
THE ORDERLIES START TO CLOSE THE CURTAINS
BETWEEN THE TWO BEDS.
GRACE: Thank you, Santa.
HE WINKS AT HER AS THE ORDERLIES CLOSE THE
CURTAINS COMPLETELY AND EXIT.
BRIGHTON: What are you thanking him for?
MAGGIE: I thought you didn’t believe in Santa Claus.
GRACE: Well, I do now because my Christmas wish
came true.
MAXWELL: What wish, sweetheart?
GRACE: That you’d be with us on Christmas.
MAXWELL: Funny, that was my wish too.
THEY HUG.
FRAN: Isn’t that a positive way to look at
this disaster.
SFX:CHURCHBELLS RING IN THE DISTANCE.
NILES: Oh listen, it’s Christmas and not
a cranberry in sight.
FRAN: And look at this. We’re together, we’re
happy, we’re healthy… well most of us.
AS EVERYONE AD LIBS “MERRY CHRISTMAS”, FRAN
TAKES A PHOTO.
FRAN: Why don’t we invite the old man to join
us? No one should be alone on Christmas.
AS FRAN CROSSES TO THE CURTAIN
AROUND SANTA’S BED.
FRAN (CONT’D): Excuse me, Santa. Are you decent?
FRAN OPENS THE CURTAIN. THE BED IS EMPTY.
FRAN: Where did he go?
SFX: SLEIGHBELLS RING IN THE DISTANCE.
SANTA (O.S.): Ho. Ho. Ho.
ALL THAT’S LEFT IS AN OPEN WINDOW.
FX: SNOW GENTLY BLOWING IN THE WINDOW.
ON A SHOT OF THE WHOLE FAMILY REACTING.
THEN, FRAN LEANS TOWARD THE WINDOW AND
TAKES A PICTURE, AS WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
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