by Allegra

Disclaimer: As you probably already know I do not own these characters. Please don’t sue.

Rating: NC-17

Author’s note: This section is being narrated by Pacey.

Feedback: I’d love some! :) Good or bad, send it to allegras_world@yahoo.com

--Pacey--

No one has ever been capable of making me feel as miserable as she does. I can barely sleep and when I do, I dream of her. Incredibly vivid dreams that are torturous to wake from. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind for even a moment. Then, to top it all off, I’ve spent the whole week listening to Dawson gush about Elysse. It’s painful to listen to him--so happy and so in love--when I feel like hell. I know things have got to change...that I have to find a way to be over her but that seems to be an impossible task.

I’m out back, sitting beside Joey’s little plastic pool, waiting. It’s dark, a little after midnight, but still quite warm out. I’m drinking beer--a lot of beer--and remembering the way she looks in her little black bikini...or rather, trying to forget the way she looks in her little black bikini. I’m not having much luck.

I hear the front door open and I know it’s her. Dawson’s out for the night so we’re the only ones home. I listen to her move around the house, unaware I’m outside. I’m wondering if I should say something to her when suddenly she speaks.

“What’re you doing out here?”

I hold up my beer. “Drinking,” I reply, not turning to look at her.

She says nothing. I hear the click of her shoes as she turns and enters the kitchen. The light flips on and I hear the refrigerator door open. She rattles around for a few moments before the light flips off.

“We need to go grocery shopping,” she says, stepping outside and kicking off her sandals. “You really made a dent in our beer supply.”

I nod my head as she sits down in the chair nearest mine. I watch as she carefully balances her beer between her knees so she can unwrap a package of string cheese. I want to look away but I can’t, she’s mesmerizing. Even dressed in something as simple as a pair of cut-off jeans and a blue T-shirt she looks stunningly beautiful. I’m totally captivated.

“It’s still so warm out,” she says, looking over at me, her eyes shining in the moonlight.

“It is,” I agree.

She lets her feet drop into the pool, “Even the water’s warm...”

We fall silent and the only sound to be heard is the soft chirping of the crickets. She glances up at the stars and lets out a little sigh. I want to get up and leave but my body feels like lead, pinning me to the chair, forcing me to stay.

“I was hoping we could talk,” she says looking over at me a few minutes later, breaking the silence. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for awhile.” Her voice falters slightly. “I went over to Connor’s tonight...”

Just hearing his name causes a panicky feeling inside. I don’t know what to say...I don’t know what she wants from me. I just want to make her stop talking before she can say something that will make me feel worse than I already do.

“I went over to tell him that--”

“No offense Jo,” I interrupt, standing and quickly gathering the empty beer bottles that are littered around me, “but what makes you think I want to hear any of this?”

“But Pacey...I--”

“I don’t think it’s fair that you can cut me off any time you please--any time you don’t want to hear what I have to say--but I’m supposed to feel like an asshole when I don’t want to listen to the details of your relationship with Connor. It’s really not right, Jo...”

She looks at me, bewildered.

“Sorry,” I apologize, “I just...I can’t listen to this, not tonight, okay?”

I go into the house and toss my bottles into the recycling bin. A few moments later she comes inside and stands, watching me rinse my hands in the sink.

“I don’t understand what’s going on?” Her voice is soft and sad.

It feels like something has broken inside me and suddenly I’m so tired. It hits me like a brick--a week of practically no sleep catches up with me instantaneously--and I know that I’ll be able to sleep without any trouble tonight. It’ll be a deep sleep, the kind of sleep that doesn’t allow for dreams. It’s such an intense feeling that I wonder if I’ll even be able to make it down the hall to my bedroom.

“Pacey...please...” She steps closer to me.

“Jo,” I sigh, “I’m too tired and too drunk to talk anymore about this tonight. I’m useless in this condition...tomorrow, okay?”

She nods her head but what choice does she have? Anyone can see that I’m a mess, that it would be futile to try and discuss anything of importance with me. I feel her eyes on me as I drag myself down the hall. My mind’s focused on one thing--sleep--and everything else’s just going to have to wait.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Stumbling out of room Saturday afternoon I find Joey in the kitchen, awake, dressed, and putting away groceries. She smiles at me but I can see the uncertainty behind it and a wave of regret passes through me as I remember the way I acted last night.

“I got you some orange juice,” she says, tossing me the small carton.

“Thanks.” I sit down at the kitchen table, drinking the juice and watching her put away the groceries.

“Aspirin?” she asks, holding up a new bottle as she pulls it from the bag.

“No, I’m good,” I tell her, and surprisingly I am. The sleep has helped immensely and I feel like it’s the first time in weeks that I’ve been this clear headed. “Have you had lunch?”

She turns, looking at me curiously. “No.”

“How about we go out and get something then? We can talk, and hopefully being in a public place will dissuade me from acting like an asshole,” I smile slightly, hoping to ease the tension between us.

She nods her head. “That sounds good.”

“Okay, give me 15 minutes.”

I take a quick shower and dress. Then I drive us to a little outdoor cafe that we’ve been to a couple times before. It’s not very crowed for a Saturday afternoon and we get a nice table in a quiet corner of the patio and order a couple sandwiches.

“So listen, Jo,” I begin, “I want to explain about last night.”

She nods her head, stirring sugar into her iced tea. “Okay.”

I take a deep breath and decide to be completely truthful with her. I need to do it for my own sanity and maybe it will provide me with some much needed closure as well.

“I know that my anger kind of came out of nowhere and I’m sorry for behaving like that. Things have been kind of hard for me lately...”

“Pace...?” She looks me with so much concern in her eyes that I have to look away.

“I...I need you to know that I never meant for this to happen. I know it wasn’t supposed to mean anything--what happened between us--but somewhere along the line...well, it started to mean something to me. I started to fall in love with you.” I force the words from my mouth quickly, unable to look at her. “That’s why I snapped at you last night...I just didn’t have it in me to hear about you and Connor...it’s no excuse, I know, and I’m sorry.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I look up but her face is unreadable. “You don’t believe I’m sorry?” I ask.

“No, I don’t believe any of it,” she says. “What about Sasha?”

“Sasha? What about her?”

“If you really had feelings for me why were you with Sasha?”

“She was...that was nothing,” I stumble, caught off guard by the question. “That was the night I realized I--”

“You spent the night with her.”

“No, I tried to tell you that morning...I never slept with her. I took her home after we left and then I spent the rest of the night driving around. I watched the sun come up and thought about us--you and me,” I tell her, and it’s the truth. “You never let me explain. When I tried, you told me that just because we fucked a few times didn’t mean it meant anything...didn’t mean I owed you anything... After that it seemed pointless.”

She looks at me for a moment and then smiles. Then laughs. My body tenses as I try and figure out her reaction, I certainly wasn’t expecting laughter.

“This is some kind of joke, isn’t it?”

“You’re the one who’s laughing, not me,” I tell her, still not sure what’s going on.

“I had no idea you...I never thought...I...” her voice trembles as she tries to regain her composure when she sees the serious expression on my face. “I lied about the note I left on your door that night. I told you it was about Dawson but it wasn’t, it was about us. I wanted to talk about us. I just...I saw you with that women and it freaked me out. What happened between us meant something to me too. I lied when I told you it didn’t...I just didn’t want you to see how vulnerable I was...how hurt I was to see you with someone else.”

“Jo--”

“I mean I open my door, all ready to confess my feelings to you, and there’s some leggy blond clinging to you...” she shakes her head at the memory. “It hurt.”

“Don’t you think it hurt me to see you with Connor?” I ask, my mind trying to catch up with everything she’s saying.

“I’m so sorry, Pace.” Her hand reaches across the table to clasp mine. “I...I didn’t think you cared. I never thought you felt anything like I did...”

“Joey how could we have both been feeling the same thing all this time and still have ended up hurting each other so much?” I ask, my mind still reeling.

“We’re idiots?”

I smile.

“Last night I wanted to tell you that I’d broken up with Connor. I wanted to tell you that I’d fallen in love with you...to ask you if there was any chance that maybe you felt the same way and that maybe we could turn this into a real relationship...” she trails off, watching me closely as I take in her words.

“You broke up with Connor?”

“Yes.”

“So that we could...”

She nods her head. “I wanted there to be a chance for us...I don’t love Connor and...well, I didn’t know if you’d be interested in a real relationship with me but I had to take the chance.”

I shake my head at the craziness of the situation. In the blink of an eye everything has changed and while I understand the words she’s spoken, it’s taking me time to catch up with the appropriate words or actions to even begin to express my feelings about it all. Joey, I realize as I feel her lips on mine, isn’t having as much difficulty.

“Can we go home now?” she whispers in my ear. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

I can’t speak and I’m not sure if I can even drive us home but I take her hand and squeeze it gently. It’s all the answer she needs.

~~~*~*~*~~~

We go home and make love. It’s the first time we’ve truly made love...the first time nothing’s withheld. We’re completely free to be together without worry or guilt or uncertainty. It’s a kind of freedom that I never thought we’d have together.

Afterwards we lay in bed and talk until we fall asleep in each others arms. For the first time our thoughts are of nothing but each other.

When I awake later that evening the sun’s setting and I’m alone. My heart sinks. She’s gone. I sit up and start to climb out of bed when I notice her clothes scattered all over my floor. I smile slightly, maybe she just got up to use the bathroom. I slip my boxers on and go to look for her.

I find her in the kitchen. She’s wearing a pair of pajama bottoms and one of my old T-shirts. Her hair’s in a messy ponytail and she’s sitting on the counter eating cereal. She has never looked sexier.

“Hey,” I greet her.

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

“I was wondering where you’d disappeared to...”

“Sorry. I was hungry,” she grins, hooking her leg around my waist and pulling me close, “and you looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“You’re wearing my clothes,” I smile, sliding my hands under the T-shirt to feel her warm skin.

“Do you mind?” she asks, feeding me a spoonful of her cereal.

I shake my head, smiling. “No, I kind of like it. Do I get to wear your clothes?”

She rolls her eyes and sets her bowl down, wrapping her arms around my neck. “That’s a little kinkier than I like to get...” she trails off, nipping at my neck. “Actually, I prefer you without clothes at all...”

“Mmmm...I knew you were just using me for my body...” I murmur against her kisses.

“Well, it’s such a nice body.” She pulls back, running her hand down my bare chest, stopping at the waistband of my boxers.

“Not half as nice as yours though...” I nuzzle her neck as my hands slip up to her breasts. “You’re so beautiful, Jo.”

She abruptly untangles herself from me and slides off the counter to her feet. At first I think I’ve said something to piss her off but then she wraps her arms around me and presses her face into my chest. Her whole demeanor has changed.

I stroke her back gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Are we making a mistake?” she asks, pulling back slightly to face me.

“Jo?” I speak softly, cupping her face in my hands. “Where’s this coming from?”

She closes her eyes. “Being here with you like this, it feels so good...so right, but it also scares the hell out of me. I mean every time I feel myself letting go I get this jolt of fear...Can this really work or are we just going to screw it up like every other relationship either one of us has ever had?”

“Look at me.” She opens her eyes slowly as I tilt her chin up. “There are no guarantees in life, we just have to take every day as it comes. I’m scared too but I also have faith in us...I think we can make it work. I’m willing to take the chance.”

She nods her head. “I’m sorry...I guess it’s just that everything has happened so fast...”

“No apologies. If we can’t voice our fears and concerns we really will be screwed.” I kiss her softly on the lips and hug her. “Promise me that we you won’t hide your feelings from me...we’ve already seen how that works and I don’t want to go through anything like that ever again.”

“I promise,” she smiles, kissing me, “and the same goes for you.”

I nod my head and raise my right hand. “I promise.”

“Good.” Then leaning over she whispers in my ear, “We have the house all to ourselves, we really should take advantage of the situation.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” I grin, scooping her up. “Your room or mine?”

To be continued....