Some parents believe in being very authoritarian. I can remember when I was a kid asking my father why I was forbidden to do certain things. His answer was always, "because I said so." I have a very different idea as to how children should be brought up. Maybe parents will be shocked by the fact that I let my 6-year-old daughter Kristen talk back to me. Perhaps it doesn't fit in with my image as a policeman on Adam-12, but when Kristen questions anything I tell her, I let her express her objections; then I explain my reasons very carefully. Suppose I've told her that she can't go to see a certain show. If she asks why, I may say that it's because she has already been to two movies that week and that is enough. If she wants to argue with me, I permit her to do so.
I think the most important thing my wife Cynthia and I can do for Kristen is to teach her how to grow up to be a woman and make her own decisions. Meanwhile, we sometimes have to guide her. For example, she is forbidden to go across the street by herself. The traffic in Hollywood where we live could be dangerous. One day Kristen crossed the street to play. One of the girls she wanted to play with brought her back, and Cynthia explained once again to Kristen why it is so hazardous to do this. Kristen tried to comprehend, but the lesson didn't sink in thoroughly until one day she was watching the movie Boy's Town on TV. In one scene, a little boy was run over and killed. Deeply moved, Kristen burst into tears. We used the picture as a means to make our point emphatic. "You see, Kristen," Cynthia and I explained, "that's why we tell you not to cross the street by yourself."
Our basic philosophy is to put Kristen into situations that are not dangerous and let her learn from them. For instance, she was been going to nursery school since she was 2 1/2. Because she is our only child so far, it was important for her to learn to adjust to other children in school. And she did--to a whole classroom and her teacher, besides!
Now and then she visits her grandparents. They are a good influence on her, but stricter than Cynthia and I. When Kristen's at home, we let her have the run of the house pretty much; but her grandparents lay down stricter boundaries. When she's with them, she knows she must adjust.
When children are small, many people won't give them any freedom or right to make decisions. But how can children grow if they never make a decision? I think it's healthier for a child to speak up and reason with his parents than to be "seen and not heard."
Though there are many freedoms for Kristen, there are also certain rules. Each night at eight she has to go to sleep. One night after being sent to bed, she lay there, crying. "I want to stay up like you do."
I explained, "Kristen, you are a little girl and need your rest. Otherwise you would be too tired to do your work in school tomorrow morning. However, each year as you grown bigger and stronger, you will be able to go to be a little later." Kristen thought it over and said, "You know, dad, it's really rough being a little kid."
Frequently parents forget that children are people. I don't try to treat Kristen as an adult, but I do try to treat her as a person, with a child's sensibilities. I’m glad we've given her the freedom and to grow and the courage to speak up. Recently, a friend of mine joined us in watching Kristen play her role as a shepherd in a school play and sing with the other children. Most of the other kids mumbled, but Kristen came on strong, speaking every line clearly. When she thought it would be nice for the children to sing a certain song, she spoke up and asked if they could sing it.
"She comes on strong," one friend, accustomed to army discipline, said. "But don't you think she might grow up to be a headstrong girl?" I answered: "I'd prefer her to be headstrong and open rather than for her to be a closed in, repressed kid afraid to speak up." Only in this way can she develop herself as a person.
