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Counterstrike is a game that realistically models what it is like to be part of a team of counter-terrorists battling against the evil ranks of the terrorists. It uses real guns, real weapons, and real life locations. In other words, its no fun. However, if you actually would like to master this user-created mod rather than Team Fortress, then you've come to the right place!

Setting up the game:

After installing your friend's copy of Half-Life on your computer, make sure you don't give it back. Ever. Even if you don't intend to play the single player version of Half-Life, you still should hide the CD somewhere in your attic and deny its existance. This is because your friend is a computer game pirate and doesnt deserve his copy back. Piracy is bad.

When configuring your graphics options, make sure you jack up the resolution to the highest value allowed by your monitor and graphics card. This way, you can brag that you are running CS at 4352x5802 resolution. Don't mention the fact that your framerate is that of a slideshow, because then you would be much less "L33T".

Choose a tough sounding handle for yourself. Make it something like "uLtrA_l33t_k1ll4", "suKmiBalz", "naZiDethmAn" or "Disabled". Include an incomprehensible clan tag in front of your name too. This tag should be no less than 20 characters long, include the acronym for your clan name, your rank in the clan, the clan leader's favorite type of soup, and your social security number. In the end it should look something like this:¥ ---{{{[MLK-ra-2_29-chowder]}}}--¥ followed by your name.

If you make an icon, it MUST be a picture of a gargantuan naked woman. To make sure everyone can see it, make the picture more than 12785x7482 pixels in size. This will not cause lag, no matter what all those pencil necked geeks in the game say.

Finding a Server

There are almost 2000 different Counterstrike servers. They have a variety of rulesets, map rotations, and time limits. That is why you should ONLY play on a server that is running de_dust 24 hours a day. All the other maps are stupid and involve actual skill and stuff.

Joining the Game

Once you double-click on a server, you begin to connect. This process will take several hours, and the success rate is less than 1%. But fear not, all sorts of wacky messages come up on the console for your entertainment. Such laugh riots like "WSAENOTSOCK!", "Error: CD Key is in use!", and "MWAHAHAHA I'm not letting you join this server simply to antogonize you;"

Make sure you join whatever team is currently winning. If you can't tell, just join whatever team has more people. Obviously, if the team has more people it must be much better.

After selecting a team, make your presence known by shouting a message like "Yo! Yo! Yo! suKmiBalz in da house!" This will surely win the respect and admiration of the other players.

Equipping Yourself

Counterstike has a wide variety of equipment to choose from, 90% of which is completely useless. Case in point: the TMP sub machine gun. You can unload almost all of your ammunition into someone with this baby before they die. It is silenced though, meaning it makes a distinctive whoosing sound every time fired. This sound identifies you as a newbie, and causes the other players to instantly kill you through the walls.

Of the useful weapons, there is the SSG Commando, which has zoom in aiming, the FNM Para machine gun, which can fill a man with lead in several seconds, the Steyr Aug, the Counter-Terrorist equivelent of the SSG, the MP5, which is accurate and deadly, and the AWP sniper rifle, that kills in one shot, is 100% accurate, shoots through walls several feet thick, fights plaque, makes you the most popular kid in your school, and cures cancer.

When outfitting yourself with armor, don't bother buying the helmet. Just about any gun is an instant kill with a headshot, helmet or no. However make sure you buy a flashbang grenade and use it at the beginning of the stage. This will blind all of your teammates, a move that is funny every time it happens!

Playing the Game

Once you have equipped yourself with enough arms to take out the population of Mexico, switch to the knife. You run much faster with the knife in your hands than with a machine gun. This is one of those "realistic touches" that makes Counter-Strike so enjoyable. Lord knows that when the SWAT team is called in, you always see them with knives in their hands. You can look it up!

If all of your teammates go in one direction, go the other. None of them will be getting any frags by working together. The only way to rack up those huge stats is to strike out on your own. Obviously you won't die, you're so great!

If you don't want to be shot at repeatedly, jump around like a caffeinated kangaroo. This is another tactic that is used by real life counter-terrorism experts. Realistic!

It doesn't matter if you are on the attacking or defending team. Your surest method to victory is to camp. And who doesn't love a camper? If you do camp make sure you buy the AWP, as it will always kill those non-camping idiots in one shot!

At the beginning of each stage, you will be given mission objectives, such as the saving of hostages, diffusing of a bomb, or escorting a VIP. Ignore these. Nintey nine percent of Counterstrike games turn out to be big deathmatches. Realism!

Once You're Dead...

Complain to anyone who will listen that the guy who killed you is clearly a cheater. Point out his good aiming skill, use of cover, and element of suprise, none of which you possess. Since you are the greatest Counterstrike player on the planet, anyone whos better than you must be cheating.

Talk to others who died. Cuss out your teammates for not following your orders, even if you gave none. Find a way to call the way you died "cheap". Even if you jumped off the side of the stage in de_prodigy, it must be those cheap opponents of yours' fault.

Read a magazine. It could be a while.

Mike --