Voiced by: Tress MacNeille
Toast, in general, couldn't care less. About what? Well, everything you have to say. And no one can save guests on his show, "Ask Me If I Care", from being launched into outer space if they don't talk about surfing, music, TV, movies, food, or anything else Toast's brain doesn't have the capacity for. True, this surfer dude's brain has atrophied in the hot sun into pleasure-seeking mush, but he apparently doesn't mind showing up on "Histeria!" to read his lines in surfer-talk. Usually seen wearing a reversed blue cap, a white tank top, and blue shorts, Toast is Histeria's icon of teenage indifference.
This slack-jawed, sunburnt beach dude has interviewed history's finest, including U.S. President Lyndon Baines Johnson, French physician Joseph Guillotin, Indian revolutionary Mohandas Gandhi, and father of the atom bomb J. Robert Oppenheimer, all of whom have ended their interviews by being prompted by Toast to ask him if he cares. When they do, he, of course, responds in the negative and gives them three chances to tell him something he cares about before he pulls a lever by his chair, shooting them through the roof and into shallow orbit around the planet. To date, no one has escaped Toast's apathy.
Some of Toast's finer moments on the show (besides the "Ask Me If I Care" sketches) might be when Daniel Boone had just hit himself on the head with an axe, and Toast wanders by deciding "nasty head wound" would be a great name for his band; or when portraying a British spy during the American Revolution and humming the "Mission Impossible" theme as he (unsuccessfully) tries to sneak Benedict Arnold's information back to headquarters.
And if you're like a lot of us, you're probably wondering, "But does Toast party?" To which he would probably just answer, "Dude."
Feel free to draw your own conclusion.