A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). 'Can you get me some chicken feed?' the man asked. 'Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick.' the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. 'Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed.' He got his feed and drove home. The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk 'Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it. 'That smells like... crap!' .. she said with a look of surprise on her face. 'Yup. Need toilet paper.'
YOU'RE A REDNECK IF..
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
You think the OJ Trial is a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took
Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!!' The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new
rooster for his hens. The current rooster was
still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in
years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster
couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the
local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the
barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting
around and he's a little worried. So, they're
trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've
got to do something about this! He walks up to
the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in
town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff
don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping
block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird.
And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around
that hen house over there. We'll run around it
ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have
all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he
definately thought he was more than a match for
the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since
I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of
half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to
start the race with all the hens gathering to
watch. The race begins and all the hens start
cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap,
the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has
slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to
slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's
just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He
runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs
into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is
after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees
the two roosters running around the henhouse,
with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and
blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....
'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought
this month.'
Two rednecks, Bubba and Ed, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Coors. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Ed, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Ed said, "we'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Ed. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reach the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Ed. "We're on the patch"
A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said ' No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.' Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to, a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said ' I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.' So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said ' Where is your sister?' They replied ' We were almost there Daddy and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and got the hell out of there.'
