2313-44

The sound of the doorknob turning had Lou sit down on the bed in her room, waiting. The door didn't open at once and she knew he hesitated, he hesitated because of her. Her and her mixed signals. Her and her avoidance. She kept looking at the door, afraid it wouldn't open, that he would walk over to his room and leave her alone. Afraid that it would open, that he would come in and she wouldn't know what to tell him. That he would look at her, ask her what was wrong, and she would have nothing to say.

When it did open she stirred, and he saw it. He stood silent by the door for a moment, still hesitating. But she wanted him to come inside, she wanted to keep her vigil over him while he slept. She wanted to hear him breathe. So she smiled at him, and he replied, but said nothing. Lou heard her own breath of relief, watching Kid on the chair while removed his boots. Furtive glances in her direction. Three weeks had gone by and Kid seemed totally back to normal. There was nothing that revealed that some weeks ago she had almost lost him. He was up working, full workloads, and he didn't complain once.

She smiled at him as he rose and gathered fresh clothes from the chest of drawers, lately their clothes had become spread out in both of their rooms since they had slept in the same bed each and every night since Kid got off that stretcher and back to a real bed. Her eyes followed him as he moved around in the room, scratching his head, obviously in search of something. Then he fell to his knees and reached under the chair by the window. Lou smiled, knowing he had a triumphant smile on the handsome face, a pair of reins in his hands. "I knew they were here somewhere," he mumbled, half apoplogetic, a tad of relief in his voice.

She said nothing, what was there to say? She was afraid to strike up a conversation with him, even about missing reins. How they had gotten under the chair was something Lou wouldn't touch. Kid always kept losing stuff, absentmindedly placing it on the most awkward places. Cursing himself when he went mad looking for them. Somehow the knowledge always was stored somewhere in his memory, he always found what he was looking for. Except the answer to the question she saw on his face.

For a moment she held her breath, but then he rose and walked over to the drawer. Lou felt the tension that was building up in her hands vanish, he wasn't going to ask. She wouldn't have to tell him anything.

"What's wrong Lou?," he suddenly asked, stopping in his digging in the drawer for something else he had obviously misplaced.

"Nothing," Lou hurried to reply, "was just wonderin' what you were missin' this time, is all." Keeping her voice gleeful she tried one more time to avoid what she feared.

"Lou, I'm missing you and you know that. Let me get that shower and you and I, love, will sit down and talk." His eyes bore into hers as he crouched before her, letting his hands rest on her thighs.

Her eyes followed him as he stepped out of the room. How could she ever tell the man that making love to him scared her, how could she ever tell her that thinking about the two of them straining in passion brought the memory of him slack under her hands back to her. So vividly it took her breath away, leaving her paralyzed. Making all that fear and despair wash over her again, leaving her tense like a string ready to snap, making it hard to breathe. How could she tell him that when his touch got heated and his breath quickened, she froze in fear and images of him so helpless whirled before her eyes, causing her to ask him to stop. She had blamed it on tiredness, on headaches on everything possible and Kid had always stopped when she asked him to.

Shaking her head she tried to clear it, would those horrid pictures never go away? Would she always be taken back to that bottomless fear of losing him? It was pure hell, her body was wanting him so badly, only her mind denied her to enjoy his touch. Her mind reminded her of the events three weeks ago, when she held him to his place as he slid down the sloping floor of the ASA. Her mind kept recalling the feeling of him like that, totally lifeless in her hands, and she was scared. She wanted the pictures to go away, but the more she tried, the more they paralyzed her. Lately they kept creeping up on her more often, assaulting her when she least expected it, dragging her into a a fear so strong it actually hurt. How would she be able to tell him that without having him feel guilt? Initially she thought it was just the shock, but it kept getting worse, now she stiffened as Kid touched her even the slightest. She loved his touches but she felt paralyzed by the images the caresses evoked. And she didn't know what to do about it.

His voice caused her to jerk her eyes in his direction, she had no idea how long she had been immersed in her thoughts.

"You ok Lou?" He asked again, seating himself at her side on the bed, reaching out to touch her cheek. His hair still wet from the shower, clad only in boxers he sat at her side, the concerned look on his face telling her he knew something was wrong.

Lou felt herself stiffen as the warm fingers caressed her skin. If she let herself enjoy his touch she knew the pictures would be back.

"Lou, we need to talk," he sighed as he let his hand sink onto her thigh. Stroking it gently, watching intently her face as he did.

"I'm tired Kid." Removing the pullover she tried once again to get out of this situation, she didn't want to hurt his feelings. This was all her crazy mind anyhow, there was nothing Kid could do about it.

"I'm fine Kid." Hurriedly she slid out of her pants, removing them and her socks all at once, turning to roll herself into the blankets. Like a cocoon. Keeping her safe, from herself and her need, from the pictures that assaulted her every time Kid touched her.

"No Lou, you're everything but fine. And I need to know why. It's been weeks Lou, and I feel I can't even touch you without you shying away any longer. What wrong sweetheart? Where's the hurt? Did I do or say something wrong?" His voice filled with trepidation as he laid himself besides her, drawing her into his hold. His body so strong, his presence calling out to her. Calling out for the pictures threatening to emerge.

Freeing her hands she rubbed her temple to keep them at bay. "I'll go tomorrow, Kid, I promise."

This time he wouldn't let up, he kept getting closer and closer, together with the dread she felt. "No," she shook her head, "I'm....."

His lips on her ear, kissing her earlobe tenderly. Her body's first reaction was to sink back into his embrace, to sink into him and the feeling of him. But then she stiffened instead. "Please Kid, don't."

Kid rolled her to her back and rested leaning on his elbows over her, his chest touching her. Surprised she looked at him, he had never touched her before if she asked him not to. This time his hands stroke her hair and his eyes searched for hers.

"Lou, I can't stand it seeing you like this. Just tell me, where does it hurt? Has it been going on for long? Please don't do this to me, I won't touch you if you don't want me to. Just tell me, I'm begging you, what's wrong?"

The urgency of his voice had her shivering, he must be thinking all this was his fault. That he had done something wrong. "Kid..."

His eyes boring into hers had her silenced, she couldn't feed him another lie, she just couldn't. So she remain silent, trying to avoid his scrutinizing eyes.

Then he shifted his weight onto her as he searched for something on the floor. The sudden sensation of his full weight on her had Lou's body react with a flash of need, followed instantly by the sensation of him dying in her arms. "Oh God," she sobbed, "please Kid, don't..."

"Don't what Lou?" His weight was removed from her, but the pictures in her mind wouldn't go away that easily, all she saw was him, lying before her, not breathing, his lips turning bluish. She pressed the palm of her hand onto her closed eyelids until the stars forming closed the pictures out.

"I can't do this Kid, I just can't. I keep seeing and feeling you dying in my arms everytime I think of sex! Kid, I can't do this, I'm so sorry, I just can't!" She was panting from the force it took to keep the pictures away, she didn't even realize Kid had unfolded her from the blankets and taken her into his lap. The sudden contact of his skin against her had her gasp for air.

"Oh God, " Kid mumbled as he rocked her in his lap, "I had no idea, Lou, you should have told me! I'm sorry Lou."

The feeling of absolute panic invaded her, there was nothing she could do. Nowhere she could run. Her breath became fast and shallow, as her muscles tensed uncontrollably.

"Lou," Kid's low voice in her ear, "It's okay Lou, it's not happening right now. It's the shock Lou, it's over, we're both here Lou. We're here in your bed and I'm holding you. It's over Lou." His hands massaging her shoulders, loosening the tension, making her breath run easier.

Holding onto her until her fists opened he cringed at the sign of her nails left on the palms of her hands. Rachel was right, she never got through this, she never talked about it, to anyone. She kept it all inside and now it's coming to haunt her. I never bothered asking her how she was, really. I should'a had her spill everything, even if it hurt, it wouldn't be back haunting her if I had. Hell, me if anybody should have known this! I went through it with Jimmy and now I forget about Lou?

He drew her head to rest against his neck. Holding her tightly to him, rocking her. Mumbling soothing nonsense words to her.

"It's those damned pictures driving me crazy, I'm so scared that if we do it I'll kill you. I'm scared to feel you like that ever again, I don't know why! I'm just so scared!" She was sobbing into the crook of his neck. His lips kissing her brow, hands stroking her hair.

"Please Lou, take a look at all them pictures while I hold you, just look at them, look at them and know what they are, just memories. They won't come back to haunt you if you look closely at them."

His lips on her shoulder, the hot breath immediately making her body shiver and her mind immediately pushed the image of Kid before her eyes, lifeless on the floor, sliding away from her. "Oh God," she whimpered and buried her head deeper into the crook of Kid's neck. Feeling his pulsating vein throb against her cheek she dared herself to recall the picture. There he was, not even breathing, all the life seemingly gone and she wasn't able to hold on to him. His lips were turning bluish and she looked for the ventilator, needing to get to it and push air into him. Slowly the scene unfolded from that dreadful freezed frame. Jimmy got the ventilator and she saw Kid's chest rise as Jimmy pushed air inside him.

Lou let out a shivering sob, barely aware that Kid was holding her, the dread threatening to take over. But this time she wouldn't let it, this time she'd confront it.

The ASA steadied itself and she got her grip back on him, she held onto him and felt his chest rise and fall everytime Jimmy pushed the ventilator. She held on to him while dread filled her, he was slipping away from her and there was nothing, absolutely nothing she could do about it. Except trust Jimmy to make him breathe. Then the picture changed form to the swimming hole. The slope down to the water, the absolute stillness around them. She was lying with her head on his chest, shivering from an intense orgasm, his chest heaving under her. His chest heaving, like when Jimmy pumped air....

"Oh God," she exclaimed, amazed how her mind seemed to have interconnected the two instances, how that beautiful Indian summer day at the swimming hole had become linked with that dreadful day on the ASA. Blinking she recalled the earlier images of the Kid in the ASA, realizing now that she was able to look at them calmly, detached, like a memory she had lived and survived. He wouldn't die if she made love to him, those pictures weren't linked, it was just her imagination making her remember things all wrong.

"How did you know?" she mumbled onto Kid's shoulder, "how the hell did you know it'd work?"

"I didn't know anything, Lou. I've had pictures of my own that's all." He hugged her closer, "and then I asked Rachel," he whispered to her shoulder. Afraid she'd get mad at him for telling. "I just knew that everytime I touched you you flinched. More and more as time went by. I didn't understand why Lou, and I need to touch you, I love you, I want to touch you. You wouldn't talk so I had to ask somebody. Rachel thought you might have some kind of post-traumatic syndrome. We never talked it through Lou, I don't know what went through your mind that day. I'm sorry."

Closing her eyes tightly she slid her arms around his neck, hugging him close, relieved to be able to. "I love you Kid. I'm glad you did ask, I didn't realize it was that obvious. And seeing you like that, I, well I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid you knowing would gross you out. I thought it'd go away eventually. I thought it was jus me being tired an, you know."

"I know, sweetie, you've been through a lot. We've both been through a lot we never discussed. But Lou, if we're gonna be married we have to talk to each other. You can't think you might be hurting me by telling the truth, you're hurting me more by taking it all onto yourself. I wanna be there for you Lou. Like you're there for me. I need to be there for you." Looking into her eyes he waited for her to give him a sign of consent.

Her lips trembled slightly as she nodded, "yeah Kid, I know. Next time I'll talk, I promise. But remember, the same goes for you!" She eyed him demandingly, realizing how absurd their discussion really was. He was the silent one, hell half the time she had to squeeze words out of him. And then, like now, he knew just the right words to make everything all right. She'd just have to get used to the fact. His ways of communicating were just different, he acted instead of talking.

He held her close and laid himself to his side, pulling her with him to rest. "Just remember Lou, nothing you can say will hurt me more than you not saying it."

With a sigh she sank down at his side, just looking at him, her hand sliding down from around his neck to rest on his chest, feeling the heartbeats. For the longest time they lay there, touching each other lightly, their gazes exploring each other. Content to be this close, content to hold each other. His hand sliding down her side to rest on her hip, no demands, just a need to feel. Her fingers started to draw patterns on his chest, tickling him until he chuckled and stopped her hand.

Lou smiled back at him, her fingers playing with the curls on his chest. He leaned in closer and kissed the skin through her T-shirt, just above the nipple. A soft kiss, the lips barely touching her. A tingle ran trough her at the touch, a tenderness mixed with the familiar need starting to build within her.

Kid smiled at her visible shudder and let his lips travel. Lightly he kissed her through the fabric, avoiding her most sensitive spots. Just kissing the valley between her breasts, following her chest up to her neck, the jawline and finally her lips. She giggled as he placed a chaste kiss on her lips. Her fingers entwining in his locks, drawing his face closer to hers. She kissed him tentatively, sinking into the feeling of him. The tingling increasing within her.

Letting her fingers trail down his broad shoulders, onto his chest, sliding down his abdomen, amazed at how good it felt. The two of them, it was just right. Just what she needed.

Lou smiled and opened her mouth to let him deepen the kiss, still hesitant that the images wouldn't assault her as she felt her body starting to warm up by his caresses. His tongue softly exploring her, having her moan into his mouth as his hands traveled in under her shirt, touching her bare skin. The warmth of his palm spread from his hand all over her abdomen, sending her nipples erect and her hips tensed in anticipation. Straining to get closer to him her fingers clasped at his arm, her hips rising ever so slightly as she deepened the kiss further. His nipples now erect as she let her thumbs caress them.

He groaned deep in his throat as he broke the kiss off, hungry lips traveling down her torso, hands freeing her of her T-shirt, hotness spreading all over her as his lips closed over her tender nipple. Tongue rolling over the delicate skin before he suckled it into the heat of his eager mouth. Lou closed her eyes and let her hands travel over his back, down to the waistband of his boxers, slipping in underneath and stroking the smooth skin of his lumbar, down over the rounding of his tensed butt.

"Oh please Kid," she panted when his mouth freed her nipple, the cool of the air burning as he slid down her body. Having her lose her grip on him. "No don't go," she mumbled, "please don't go anywhere."

His tongue trailing a circle around her bellybutton, hands inching her black cotton undies over her hips.

"So sexy," Kid groaned, lowering her all but seducing fashion statement over her knees.

"Hardly," Lou giggled, looking at him struggling to free her of the last of her clothing. Her breath catching as his large hands followed the lines of her legs, his touch releasing a craving for more.

Lou's head fell back onto the pillow as lips nibbled her tenderly from the hipbone down to the juncture of her thigh and groin. Nuzzling the mount that was aching of need, her hunger pulsating between her legs. Her breath growing uneven as her body readied itself for him, the tension slowly building inside her she tilted her hips to his mouth. Heat gathering in her lower abdomen, a delicious promise of ecstasy. Her fingers finding a flexing muscle on his back. Groaning she let her palm rub the hot skin.

"Oh God please," she begged anew as he kissed the curls tenderly, teasing her into moaning loudly before finding the spot that had her legs tremble. Her back arched and she let out strangled sounds as he devoured her tenderly. Licking and suckling her till the tension in her burst into a stifled scream as he made her leap weightlessly over the brink. Gasping his name as her body cramped deliciously, sending her mumbling incoherently. Her fingers digging into the sheets as he looked smilingly at her while she dwelled in midst of the orgasm. Kissing her abdomen as she retreated from the voyage. She sank shuddering and content back to the mattress.

"I want you so bad Lou," he whispered jaggedly to her as he laid himself over her tenderly, resting both his legs around her still trembling thigh, having her sense his arousal straining to get free. "Please, can I make love to you?"

Her breath still coming in long raspy heaves she slid down her hands to free him of the last piece of clothing, longing to feel him totally naked against her, feel his arousal throb against her. Her hands slithering the fabric over his hips, down his strong legs, finally freeing him completely. "Oh God, yes," she panted as he rubbed his erection on her thigh, rising her expectations at the sensation of his craving.

Her hands exploring him, hungrily traveling over him, her lips suckling on the tender spot on his neck. Traveling to his lips, kissing him breathless. Hungrily devouring him, positioning herself for the taking, letting him know she needed him, and she needed him now. "Please Kid, come inside of me."

Sliding his hands under her shoulder blades Kid held on to her as he pushed against her. She titled her hips to guide him right, shuddering as she felt him enter slowly. Whimpers leaving her as he made her flood him with her arousal, the slow entry allowing her to enjoy every sensation to the fullest. His raspy breath on her cheek, the hands on her back, his tensed legs, the flat abdomen stroking hers and his manhood widening her. His body's tightness over her. His eyes, closing in bliss.

Kid watched her intently, afraid she'd stiffen in fear under him. But her eyes called out for him and her hands on his buttocks pushed him deeper inside of her. Closing his eyes he felt her moist folds welcome him, making him shiver as she gasped his name and her hips rose to meet him.

"Lou, sweetheart, no hurry," he panted, desperate to give her pleasure, "I'm so close."

Lou bit down on her lips not to push too much, wanting to prolong their union, wanting him to climb that mountain with her, reaching the top along side of her. And she was going too fast. Her hunger for him had returned full force and there was no way she could have too much of him. She would never have too much of him. His gentle strokes inside of her fueling her hunger until she had to bite down on her lip not to scream out her lust.

Her hands found his thrusting hips and the strength in his moves had her whining. His eyes half-closed as he leaned in to kiss her hotly. Her pulse rising promptly as the heat spread and her hips automatically increased the pace. His whole body touching her as they met in the midst of the passionate search for completion. Needing more of him she nibbled at his neck, eliciting a low rumble of pleasure to escape him. He closed his eyes and thrust deeper inside of her, slowing his pace, shaking his head slightly as if to clear it. Her hands clasped at his buttocks again, forcing him deeper inside of her.

"Oh Kid, please," she whined breathlessly. "Please-please-please" she mumbled, meeting eagerly with every stroke, not knowing what she was saying, knowing only that he was pushing her relentlessly towards the peak. His eyes that held her gaze were almost black, hazed. Pupils fully dilated from the intense pleasure. The sight of him driving her higher and higher up that mountain, his groans mingling with her begging, until she drew a deep quivering breath and tensed her body to his. The release starting from deep within her and she called out his name, waves repeatedly washing over her, making her body twitch uncontrollably against his. Her hot nectar flooding. Her vision fading, her screams only partially silenced as he captured them with his mouth as she came.

"I love you Lou," he mumbled hoarsely over her mouth, his slow strokes caressing her tenderly. Rocking her steadily deeper into the hot waves, intensifying them. He barely moved inside her while she contracted hungrily around him. Filling her up completely, he thrust in time with her shuddering gasps for air. His chest caressing her nipples as he pushed inside her, his body tightening, the release closing in on him. Lou gripped his hips and met him in a deep hard thrust, swallowing him eagerly. Feeling him hard and hot inside her made her continue to spasm, silently exploding around him. "Mm-m-h," she moaned breathlessly as she felt his hot answer flooding her. Kid sinking onto her, his hips grounded to hers as he hid his face at her neck and released inside her, stifling his own roar towards her neck while her raspy labored breathing echoed in the room.

She felt him on top of her, his heart pumping wildly, his breath fast and hot on her neck, his body tensing as shivers ran through him while his hands on her back held her close to his chest. Enveloping her.

Resting in the embrace she smiled. The retreating waves had her contract again around him, softly squeezing him. "Uh-h," she exhaled, surprised at the sensation, shifting so she was sure he wouldn't slide out of her. Letting her pelvis sink and captivate him. Kid groaned, lips resting on the pulsating vein on her neck.

Lou closed her eyes and let her lips nibble softly on his shoulder. Kid's content mumble making her tenderly kiss the spot she was handling. Her body feeling heavy and content. Sluggishly entwining her arms around his waist she mumbled "my sweet grizzly bear," to his neck and held him close to her. Burying her nose in the crook of his neck, deeply inhaling his scent, enjoying their completion. Reveling in his hearbeat against her. Still dwelling in the aftermath, sensing him soften inside her, enjoying his weight that pinned her lovingly to the mattress.

"I love you Lou," Kid mumbled as he rose weakly to his elbows, shifting his hips so he slid out of her.

Kid smiled and kissed her lips, "Lou, sweetie, you need some sleep." Looking down on her, with a soft smile letting his lips brush just above her erect nipple before turning back to watch her flushed face. His hands still under her shoulder blades, keeping her in a tight embrace. "Tomorrow love, tomorrow you can have me for as long as you want to. I promise. But tonight you need to sleep."

Lou felt she lacked all words to tell him what she felt. Nothing she had to say would allow her to express her true feelings. Nothing that could make the man holding her realize how much he meant to her. Cupping his face in her hands she merely nodded, hoping he's feel her love, just like she felt his. Reaching to place a tender kiss on his lips, hoping he'd know. Kid rested his forehead on hers, gazing into her eyes. At the expression in her eyes he smiled and rolled to his side, nestling her into his arms. Kissing her back as she settled in his hold.

"We gotta find our own place Lou, this bed is falling apart," he commented lazily.

His hips thrust twice against her buttocks, making the bed squeak loud in protest.

"No," Kid chuckled warmly, "you were screaming too loud, sweetheart. I'm tellin' you, we gotta find our own place, they'll never let us live through this."

Lou rolled around in his arms, glaring at him. "You're not so quiet yourself Kid, maybe we should keep to the barn?"

"I promise to make our future bedroom soundproof, then you can scream all you like," Kid teased.

"I know Lou," Kid mumbled to her hair, "I love it when you scream, I'll handle Noah and Rachel, I promise. Get some sleep Lou, I promise you there won't be any nightmares tonight."

"We sleep in the same bed, love, hard not to notice," Kid murmured to her temple. "But not tonight Lou, I promise."

Lou sank back into his lap, feeling completely safe. "What would I ever do without you?" she asked.

"Well, ya wouldn't have had the nightmares to begin with," Kid remarked sleepily.

"All I'da had's an unbroken bed," Lou mumbled sleepily as she turned and eased herself into his hold. "Umm-m," she murmured as his arms came around her, making her head rest on his shoulder. Exactly where she wanted him. Tomorrow she would read the diary to its end too, she had been putting that up for weeks. She had been putting up living for weeks, but now she was ready. She needed to know. She had always needed to know. Louise had taken Kid for granted back then, but she wasn't that woman. She was somebody else and she was able to cheerish each moment, she knew how sacred life was.

Kid covered her with the wrinkled covers, smiling as she crept up close to him. Stroking her hair till her breath got even and deep, then he kissed her neck and remain looking at her drifting off into a sound sleep.

|Prologue||Chapter 1||Chapter 2||Chapter 3||Chapter 4||Chapter 5||Chapter 6||Chapter 7||Chapter 8||Chapter 9||Chapter 10|
|Chapter11||Chapter 12||Chapter 13||Chapter 14*||Chapter 15||Chapter 16||Chapter 17||Chapter 18||Chapter 19||Chapter 20*|
|Chapter 21||Chapter 22||Chapter 23||Chapter 24||Chapter 25||Chapter 26||Chapter 27||Chapter 28||Chapter 29||Chapter 30|
|Chapter 31*||Chapter 32||Chapter 33||Chapter 34||Chapter 35||Chapter 36||Chapter 37||Chapter 38||Chapter 39||Chapter 40| |Chapter 41||Chapter 42||Chapter 43||Chapter 44*|Chapter 45|