I’m sitting here on a rainy day, and I’ve just finished talking with my friend about love, or whatever we perceive the contentment in our souls to be. I realize that with Nikolas, although there was fear, I could honestly say that I wanted more. He was the first person I could trust myself with. Now that meant my heart – my feelings and everything that went along with it. Of course everyone is scared that they like or care for someone more than what is reciprocated, but I didn’t care. I didn’t feel that I was wasting any energy on a futile cause.

I look back on it now and I realize that it was the little things that made me just be. I was able to feel the simple but pleasurable excitement of a crush blown into puppy love, and then into something so indefinable that it is where we left off, and where we still remain. Listening to his voice over the phone, closing my eyes for the full effect just because I thought it would bring me closer. Attempts to be alone from his friends and displaying if not revealing some unspoken claim on one another.

It still amazes me now that he saw something in me that I had never before cared to acknowledge. I think that trying to validate his interest in me led to a lot of problems and miscommunication. But then one must understand that I was young.

I do know now that he is my standard. My standard by which I classify males, judge potential suitors, and wish for. I’ve tried to forget him, and I told myself that I was going to remove him from my life and leave him in the past. Going as far as to remove pictures from my walls. Of course that never happened, and I’ve come to think it never will. I love him.

It’s hard saying those words - I love him – and reconciling myself with that fact. I think it is because I am fully giving myself to him without guarantee of a return. I no longer fear the unknown, and the indefinable, because I have marked it as the true level of happiness. But I do not know if I am to go at it alone.

And if I close my eyes, I cannot see nor feel him expressing his intentions to another because I know I have marked him. He will not know the same depth of meaning in another.

I find it hard to see myself existing in a life relationship outside the bounds of Nikolas. I used to find that fact strange and almost fatalistic. I’m a woman of the modern age, and to basically rely on a man to complete – well more supplement and accompany my being is not something I would have allowed myself to believe. Not until tonight anyway. It’s one a.m. and I sit near my window with a new concept of love realized. I can breath now.

~~~~~A word you may speak
A mere phrase
Educated me so
Not even Socrates could out-know me
For you are the book I read
Notes I study
School I metriculate in
Lovin you this way is a sin
Cuz God is jealous
Just know that you
Are my everything.~~~~~

jaykay

End of Wind Song, Please e-mail me any feedback by clicking on the mailbox below :)

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