the beginning
Mood:  not sure
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Well i think i finally realised tonight that things are never going to change. I broke up with him for a reason, and it's still the same reason. No matter how much he says he loves me or still wants to be with me etc etc it's never going to be what I want..the way we are when we are together. And i tell you it sucks because I think i still love him because it still hurts so much when he says he doesn't care or acts like he doesn't care and treats me like crap...why is love so bloody confusing and why does it have to hurt so much? First relationship..so I'm scared no one else will have me and no one else will love me for who i am, or accept/appreciate me for who I am..that's normal right?! I've heard lotsa people say that...well not lots, but I know my best friend felt the same way untill she went out and picked up again..maybe that's what I should do..just stop hoping and stop wishing and just take the jump. Apart from the fact I don't have any money and I'm broke which means' I can't go out to meet anybody...*sigh* going overseas' for two months does that too you, suuucks you dry. No matter how much you enjoeyd it, you know your going to be broke when you get home..wehter or not you have a job..especially if you don't have a job. Which i need to find. Very good offer today earning more than i could ever imagin owing in a year...about 60grand...(eyes popping out) doing teaching in primary schools...only thing i hate instrumental teaching in groups..i'm totally against it..why!? It's just totally against the ethics of the whole musical experience. I mean voice is fiine, but an individual instrument?! That's what it's for..individualism, and I like to teach individually as well..reach people on an individual level..but i could have so much! Even if it's only for 6 months or something, i could pay off my loan like that..in a flash and still be able to go shopping and enjoy myself afterwards..wouldnm't that be luxury..i could probably buy a house in like 3 years and a new car as well..could you imagin that?! HA! sorry to gloat, i'm not a big money or materialistic person..realy i'm not..which maybe why i'm deterring from this job so much? also i don't think i could do it...run a class?! me!? man..that's just plain scary, and the keyboard sucks too! if it were piano that would be way better...you probably think i'm way to picky right about now huh?! yes..*sigh* i should just take it yea? it would be challenging...that's for sure! i'll go watch the class on monday..we'll see, i just don't want any pressure or stress this year...iu've had to deal with enough shit...well it may not be horrible shit, but it's my own version of shit anyway, i know there are homeless etc, but I think going to see the psychologist just about tops it off...well it did top it off. For me anyway, because I couldn't handle all the stuff going on in my head...just the usual concious vs subconcious..you know the voices that tell you you can't do it etc etc...i didn't know how to control them..now you probably think i'm cerazy! *lol* we'll see! *lol* no i'm not cerazy, just had to deal with a lot of stuff..changes...this age is such a dawnting age..i reckon it's worse than year 12. year 12 is bullshit pressure... seriously... it's NOT the end of the world! I wish i had've taken a year off though, maybe i would've made better choices, done what i really want then instead of now...4 years later...5 next year! can u belive it? 5 years out of high schoool..man, never would've thought! i've had a boyfriend, i've finished a music course and i've gone overseas..that's pretty big..never thought i would've done it..but then again, I never think that i can do anything and then i do it and then I don't like the way I did it, but now i've realised it's my own personal experience, no one elses...it doesn't matter what you did or what you didn't do or how you did or how you didn't do..it's what you learnt along the way that counts. and that's what makes it such a memorable experience and such a heart felt one, wether or not it had bad parts or not...everything has bad parts, but it's the journey, not the superficial stuff on top. i hate people who are superficial. judgemental. bitchy. it just sucks you know? i dunno why i just said that...but i did..just spurring out see how much i can get away with on my first blog! *lol* well i can't really think of anything else to say now, except that he's out clubbing and i'm stuck at home. why does that bother me so much? because i'm jelouse..yes...mainly of other girls around him..i probably still love him yea? even if he did say horrible things to me..i was depressed...and he wasn't supportive or there for me at all, he just told me it was all my fault and i was worthless blah blah..i don't want to go back to that, but he used to be sweet and kind and caring, and i think that's the problem!? man...i wasn't going to go into that...i think i just have to learn to "forget about it" because i can't change the past, i can only change the future...that's one of my sayings these days which helps me through, and also just do it...yes it helps ;) helps me from stressing over decisions..i'm not a very good decision maker, i stress about what other people think or will do too much. but i'm learning..the psychologist helped with that...i'm not that much of a sissy, really. I'm a good and loyal friend, I'm down to earth, i love to party! I love to have fun, which I think maybe a downfall, I love to be happy (which is def a downfall because I can't handle it when I'm not!) although i'm learning i don't always have to be happy! I love kids, I LOVE kids! I wanna be a child psychologist...I think..anyways, kids are just so inspirational, I wish i were a kid sometimes, I think that's why i love em so much, But i was watching OC..I LOVE OC love love love! I brought the whole series 1 when i was in the us..yup i just went to the us..so i like travel aswell, even though I'm not very good at it..i got really sick, and i get bad jet lag as well, I'm still getting over mine, even though i came back last week. settling in again is hard. man i'm a complainer...am i a complainer?! *lol* you probably think so! but i loved it so much! i love it more than home! *lol* coming home was hard, all i remember is before i left when i was screwed up and unhappy..it was like coming back to that..it was really hard. weird..still wierd, i dunno what to do, how i should be..i know i changed alot in america i worry cause i don't wanna be again like i was before you know? i only know how to be one way at home...cause nothing ever changes here...*sigh* i'm writing alot..all over the place. well i think i'll go now..to bed...i don't think i can right anymore, otherwise i won't right again...i wonder if i will, this is wierd, just me, my thoughts, more so than in my actual journal! *lol* well, adios my friends...