Disclaimer: Paramount owns 'Voyager', *sigh* but not our imaginations!
Rating: G
Author's note: The song is 'Don't speak' by No Doubt. They own it completely, and I'm not getting any money for this.
Don't Speak
by Lissa Pearl
Kathryn was sitting at her desk reading reports when she noticed that it was almost lunchtime. Any moment now, Chakotay would come in and ask her to lunch. Kathryn smiled every time she thought of him. She stretched and prepared for the battle. The battle would be her wanting to work and Chakotay trying to convince her to go to lunch. Let the battle begin.
As expected, the door chimed and in walked Chakotay. Kathryn smiled and said, "Hello, Commander," using his title to formally begin the tug of war.
"Hello, Captain. Here are the engineering reports," he handed them to her casually across the desk. Then, instead of standing comfortably and grinning like he normally did, Chakotay stood at attention. Kathryn was puzzled and a little hurt.
"It's almost lunchtime. I hear that Neelix is making some of his Cerian pasta. Care to join me?" Kathryn ventured hesitantly. He was acting so cold and distant.
"No, thank you, Captain." Chakotay's words cut like a laser scalpel.
"Chakotay, what's wrong? You are acting very different," Kathryn said while trying to search his eyes.
"There's nothing wrong, Captain." There was that word again. It was cruel the way he was using it. He was pushing her away. Kathryn was determined to find out just why he was suddenly treating her so coldly. Did the dinners and long talks mean nothing to him? Where was his warm smile? Why was he so different?
"I don't believe you," Kathryn said point-blank. "Normally you come in at lunchtime and try to get me down to the messhall by joking and pushing. Yet today, you're acting like a complete stranger. What happened?"
"I'm getting tired of waiting for you. Seven and I have begun a relationship," Chakotay said, seeing the hurt in Kathryn's face.
~You and me
~We used to be together
~Everyday together always
~I really feel
~I'm losing my best friend
~I can't believe
~This could be the end.
~It looks as though you're letting go
~And if it's real,
~Well I don't want to know
~Don't speak
~I know just what you're saying
~So please stop explaining
~Don't tell me cause it hurts
~Don't speak
~I know what you're thinking
~I don't need your reasons
~Don't tell me cause it hurts
~Our memories
~They can be inviting
~But some are altogether
~Mighty frightening
~As we die, both you and I
~With my head in my hands
~I sit and cry
~Don't speak
~I know just what you're saying
~So please stop explaining
~Don't tell me cause it hurts
~Don't speak
~I know what you're thinking
~I don't need your reasons
~Don't tell me cause it hurts
~It's all ending
~I gotta stop pretending who we are...
~You and me
~I can see us dying...are we?
~Don't speak
~I know just what you're saying
~So please stop explaining
~Don't tell me cause it hurts
~Don't speak
~I know what you're thinking
~I don't need your reasons
~Don't tell me cause it hurts
Kathryn just sat at her desk stunned, her heart aching and her head spinning. Some tears made trails down her cheeks. Then the Captain's mask slipped away. She buried her head in her hands and listened for him to leave so she could lock the doors and crumble to pieces. After a few moments she realized that he wasn't going anytime soon. She pulled her hands away from her tearstained face and saw Chakotay, deep in thought, sitting across from her.
"Why are you still here?" she asked breathlessly in exasperation. He just looked up with anguish in his features.
"I'm sorry," was all Chakotay could choke out.
"Why are you sorry? What gives you the right to come in here and hurt me like that and then apologize?" Kathryn shouted heatedly. Now, instead of crying, she was shaking with fury. Kathryn Janeway wasn't going to take this.
"I thought you'd been toying with me," he sighed. He had been fed up and lost as to what to do. Chakotay wanted to know if Kathryn ever had any feelings for him. But he was just so torn that he couldn't think straight.
Chakotay had thought when Seven had asked him for a date that it would be a one-time thing. Then she asked him for another date. Chakotay said yes, not really knowing why at that time. He knew now that he had wanted to hurt Kathryn. He succeeded.
"You are my friend. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I couldn't face myself I did," Kathryn said with her anger lessening. After they sat in silence for a while she asked, "Do you love her?"
"No," Chakotay answered solidly, leaving no debate.
"So," Kathryn said solemnly, "What comes next?"
"All I know right now is that I can't stay with Seven. It's not fair to her," he replied. Chakotay felt so stupid. He had made possibly the worst mistake of his life, then he used it to make an even bigger one.
"No, it isn't. But what comes next for us?" Kathryn probed, hoping for something positive.
"You know how I feel about you. That will never change," Chakotay stared intently into her eyes. "I only hope that you can forgive me." Kathryn nodded, biting her lip and trying not to tear up.
"I can, if can forgive me from pushing you away when you tried to get close," she answered, after taking a deep breath.
"I do, I do," he said. Chakotay wanted to wipe away her tears and tell her that everything would be all right, but the pain was too fresh. "Can we have dinner tonight? So we can talk?" he asked.
"Yes," Kathryn nodded and gave him a meager smile, but a smile none the less. "1900 hours?" she asked.
"I'll be waiting," Chakotay said with a ghost of his grin. He would have enough time after his shift to break up with Seven. Hopefully, it would be an easy break up. "I'm going to head to my office and start working on the crew evaluations."
"Bye," Kathryn said with only a slight heaviness in her chest remaining.
"Don't forget, 1900 hours," Chakotay said with a very small bit of the spring back in his step as he walked to the door.
"I won't," Kathryn reassured him.
"Bye," Chakotay left quickly, to give Kathryn some relief from the situation.
Kathryn felt all tangled up inside. Her surrogate daughter had been dating the man that she herself felt closest to in the universe. But he didn't love Seven. It helped to think of that...until she remembered that Seven might come to speak with her. Kathryn wondered if Chakotay would mention her when he spoke to Seven. Kathryn cringed at all the pain that was happening and was yet to happen. She would deal with it. Kathryn was strong and would deal with whatever happened.
When she thought of what Chakotay said about his feelings for her made her smile. Kathryn wanted to be with him. Maybe it was time to be happy........
The end.
