by Jinny W
November 2000
Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters, even if they do misplace their souls sometimes.
This story is written in the format of messages passed between crewmembers on a padd. After reading the great padd stories by Kerry, Adrian & Clare I just had to give it a try, and this storyline seemed like the ideal opportunity. Thanks to Bodie for the initial television show idea & for beta reading the resulting mayhem.
**
To: Voyager Crew
From: B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer
Subject: holodeck malfunctions
Time sent: 0730 hrs
Dear Crew,
Please be advised that both holodecks are now offline and may not be used under any circumstances. My crews have done their best to fix the emitter problems, but I'm afraid the damage caused by yesterday's explosion is more extensive than we originally anticipated. It may take a few days to repair. We'll keep you posted on any further developments.
Torres.
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Re holodeck malfunctions
Time sent: 0734 hrs
B'Elanna,
You're joking, right? A few days? The explosion wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, surely with your skill you'll be able to get it up and running before then.
Yours hopefully,
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris, explosives expert
From: B'Elanna Torres, skilled engineer
Subject: Re holodeck malfunctions
Time sent: 0745hrs
Tom,
No, I'm not joking. Why would I joke about this? Believe me, I'd rather the damn things were working. Then I wouldn't have half the crew on my back nagging me about when they're going to be repaired. Before my shift actually starts, might I add. And I hardly think you're in any position to complain, Paris. You were the one running the program with the safeties all off in the first place.
B'Elanna
**
To: B'Elanna Torres, who seems to be a bit sensitive this morning
From: Tom Paris, faithful husband
Subject: holodeck repairs
Time sent: 0751 hrs
B'e,
Alright, it was a stupid thing to do. How many times do I have to say sorry?
Tom.
**
To: Tom Paris
From: B'Elanna Torres
Subject: re holodeck repairs
Time sent: 0754 hrs
Tom,
I'll let you know.
B'Elanna
**
To: Harry Kim
From: Tom Paris
Subject: breakfast
Time sent: 0754 hrs
Harry, buddy,
When do you get off duty? Can you come and meet me? We need to talk about the holodeck situation.
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris, holodeck addict
From: Harry Kim, who is rather tired
Subject: re breakfast
Time sent: 0756
Tom,
I get off in four minutes, as you well know. Can't this wait? I just want to have a quiet breakfast and get some sleep. We don't all have time off to malinger like some people I could name.
Harry
**
To: Harry Kim, spoilsport
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re breakfast
Time sent: 0759
Harry,
C'mon, you know you want to. Meet me in the mess hall as soon as you can. I have an idea about what we can do for entertainment while the holodecks are off line. I just need some help to organize it. And I'm not malingering, I'm recovering from the Rigellian flu. You know the doc insisted I take four days off.
Tom
**
To: Voyager Crew
From: B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer
Subject: holodeck malfunction
Time sent: 0827
Dear Crew,
It has come to my attention that several crewmembers have ignored my previous message and tried - unsuccessfully of course - to run a program on holodeck two. It won't work people. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. It is my job after all.
Torres
**
To: the members of Voyager's Drama Society
From: Tom Paris
Subject: recruitment drive
Time sent: 0845 hrs
Hi all,
I heard you guys haven't chosen your next play yet. I have an idea I'd like to discuss with you, if you're willing. Anyone who's available, meet in my quarters at 1000 hrs. Refreshments provided.
Thanks,
Tom.
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: Neelix
Subject: A briefing with Neelix
Time sent: 0906 hrs
Captain,
If it's alright with you, I'd like your permission to extend the broadcast of my morning entertainment program to fill the rest of the day. I've discussed the matter with Mr. Paris, and he seems keen to help me fill in the rest of the day's programming. We thought it might give crewmembers who are off duty something to do while the holodecks aren't working.
Neelix.
**
To: Neelix
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: re a briefing with Neelix
Time sent: 0915 hrs
Do you really think that's necessary Neelix? The crew are adults. I'm sure they will be able to think of other leisure activities to fill in their spare time. And don't think I don't realise it was all Paris' idea in the first place.
Janeway
**
To: Voyager Crew
From: B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer
Subject: holodeck complaints
Time sent: 0950 hrs
Dear Crew,
Look people, I'm trying to be polite here. Any more complaints about the holodecks and I will really lose my temper. And you don't want that. The fact is that we can't repair the holo-emitters just yet. We don't have enough components in storage at the moment. We have to wait until we reach the trading colony on Haurom Four. Come on people, that's only a week and a half away. You can live that long without the holodecks. Read some books or something, for Kahless' sake.
Torres
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: Neelix
Subject: re a briefing with Neelix
Time sent: 0953
Captain,
I understand your concerns. Tom and I have both agreed that we won't let this enterprise interfere with our duties at all. And B'Elanna did just say that it will be a week and a half until the holodecks will be fixed.
This isn't the most exciting sector of space we're flying through at the moment either. The only other option I can think of is that we organize some group activities. Maybe another talent night? I hear Mr. Tuvok is looking forward to the next one.
Neelix
**
To: Neelix
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: re a briefing with Neelix
Time sent: 0958
Neelix,
You win. Go ahead.
Janeway
**
To: Kathryn Janeway
From: Chakotay
Subject: unusual crew activity
Time sent: 1015 hrs
Kathryn,
I don't know if you've noticed, but there seems to be something funny going on among the crew. I have a feeling that Mr. Paris is behind it. Any idea what's up?
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re unusual crew activity
Time sent: 1024 hrs
Chakotay,
Since when is there NOT "something funny" going on? As for today's shenanigans, Tom and Neelix are organizing extra entertainment for the crew. They say it won't interfere with ship's business. If you can believe that.
Kathryn
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: re unusual crew activity
Time sent: 1028 hrs
Kathryn,
Please, please, tell me it isn't another talent night. I don't think I could bear it.
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re unusual crew activity
Time sent: 1036 hrs
Chakotay,
Don't worry, it isn't. I checked. Why are you so worried? You never participate in them anyway. And I know for a fact you have certain... hidden talents.
Kathryn
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay, who's blushing now
Subject: re unusual crew activity
Time sent: 1041 hrs
Kath,
You know very well there are some talents that are best left hidden. Keep me posted on the "Tom situation", won't you? I hate being out of the loop on these things.
Chakotay
**
To: Mr. Paris
From: The doctor
Subject: your latest activities
Time sent: 1103 hrs
Mr. Paris,
It has been brought to my attention that you are not, as I instructed, taking time off to rest, but have been engaged in organizing crew members to participate in some sort of entertainment program. This is not rest, Mr. Paris, it is show business. If you're well enough to play director, you're well enough to fly the ship. And why didn't you ask me if I wanted to join in?
The doctor.
**
To: The doctor
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re your latest activities
Time sent: 1106 hrs
Doc,
Hey, don't get testy. I am taking it easy. I'm sitting down most of the time. How did you find out about this anyway? Has Ensign D'tada been blabbing again?
Tom
**
To: Mr. Paris
From: The doctor
Subject: re your latest activities
Time sent: 1114 hrs
Mr. Paris,
My lips are sealed. Doctor-patient confidentiality, I'm afraid. And you still didn't answer my question. Can I join your acting group?
The doctor.
**
To: Ensign D'tada
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Voyager TV
Time sent: 1116 hrs
D'Tada,
Great. Now the doc knows about the show, and he's pestering me to join in. He didn't say it was you who told him, but you're the one in the group with the nagging calf muscle injury. Can you think of anything I can say to fob him off?
Tom
**
To: Tom
From: D'tada
Subject: re Voyager TV
Time sent: 1125 hrs
Tom,
I didn't tell him. I was in sickbay, but I swear I didn't say a word. Why don't you just tell him that we've got a full cast?
D'tada
**
To: The doctor
From: Tom Paris
Subject: your kind offer
Time sent: 1126 hrs
Doc,
Thanks for offering, but we have a full cast at the moment. I'll let you know if we need a guest star or a cameo or something.
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris
From: B'Elanna Torres
Subject: the doctor
Time sent: 1155 hrs
Tom,
What on earth have you done to upset the doctor? I just came in to give him a maintenance check up and he spent the entire time venting his spleen about you. What are you up to anyway? Half of my engineering crew are hopelessly distracted, and I'm sure I heard your name come up several times in whispered conversations.
B'Elanna
**
To: B'Elanna
From: Tom
Subject: re the doctor
Time sent: 1203 hrs
B'Elanna,
Oh, so now you want to talk to me again. What makes you think I'm "up" to anything? Alright, I'll give. Turn on your monitor to the channel Neelix broadcasts his morning show on.
Tom
**
To: Tom
From: B'Elanna
Subject: Voyager TV
Time sent: 1206 hrs
Tom,
You are one crazy flyboy, I'll give you that. Are you responsible for what these people are doing? Aren't D'tada, Cook and the others all members of the drama society? Did the captain give you permission for this? Does she know what you've got them doing?
B'Elanna
**
To: B'Elanna
From: Tom, crazy flyboy
Subject: re Voyager TV
Time sent: 1210 hrs
B'e,
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I sat down and brain stormed some ideas with the drama group, but the dialogue isn't all scripted. They're mostly improvising and I'm having it filmed and broadcast live. I've taken as my inspiration early forms of television in the late 20th century called "soap operas" and "drama serials".
Tom
**
To: Tom
From: B'Elanna
Subject: re Voyager TV
Time sent: 1214 hrs
Tom,
Drama is the right word for it. I've never seen so much angst, bile, bitchiness, sappy declarations of love and all out targ-fighting in such a short time. Who says studying history doesn't pay off?
B'Elanna
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: doctor's request
Time sent: 1235 hrs
Kathryn,
Neelix has just passed on to me a rather odd request from the doctor. He's complaining about Tom being a "prima donna" director and not allowing him something called "screen time". Any idea what he's talking about?
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re doctor's request
Time sent: 1238 hrs
Chakotay,
And I thought it was going to be a dull day. Don't worry, I'll handle it. Switch on your monitor to Neelix's broadcasting channel and you'll see what he means.
Kathryn
**
To: The doctor
From: the Captain
Subject: your request
Time sent: 1243 hrs
Doctor,
In the interest of fairness, I suppose I'd better grant your request. You hereby have permission to set up a rival channel to Tom's. Hasn't he already monopolized the services of the drama society though? I don't want you pulling any crew off their shifts to help you out, is that understood?
Janeway
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: the doctor
Subject: re your request
Time sent: 1249 hrs
Thankyou captain! I'll get started right away. And don't worry, I won't be needing the services of other actors to assist me. I've already prepared a series of dramatic monologues. I was saving them for the next talent night, but this seems like as good an opportunity as any to try them out on the crew.
The doctor.
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: Voyager TV
Time sent: 1300 hrs
Kathryn,
You authorized this??? Are you feeling alright?
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re Voyager TV
Time sent: 1305 hrs
Chakotay,
What's the matter, Commander, can't handle a little steamy romance? They're only pretending you know. Tom says it's something called a "ratings gambit". He has competition now, so what he refers to as "a bit of skin" helps keep them glued to the set. I think that's what he said. I glazed over eventually. Switch over to the medical channel and see what the doctor's doing in response.
Kathryn.
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: dramatic monologues
Time sent: 1308 hrs
Kath,
You call that "competition"? I'd call it a cure for insomnia. What is the doc thinking?
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re dramatic monologues
Time sent: 1325 hrs
Now, now, Chakotay, be nice. He's just a beginner. Besides, do YOU want to tell him his program stinks? He does have access to a host of anaesthetics, poisons, and a whole lot of other acrid chemicals, all at his sensitive artistic fingertips.
Kathryn
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: re dramatic monologues
Time sent: 1332 hrs
Kathryn,
You're a very wise woman sometimes.
Chakotay.
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re dramatic monologues
Time sent: 1345 hrs
Sometimes???
K.
**
To: Kathryn, one of the wonders of the cosmos
From: Chakotay, who is humbled by her magnificence
Subject: re dramatic monologues
Time sent: 1350 hrs
Kath,
Words on a padd are insufficient. Want to come by my quarters after work? I'll flatter you in person.
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay, silver tongue
From: Kathryn
Subject: re dramatic monologues
Time sent: 1402 hrs
Chakotay,
See you there.
K.
**
To: Voyager Crew
From: the Captain
Subject: Voyager TV and Medical Marvels
Time sent: 1450 hrs
Dear Crew,
It has come to my attention that some members of the crew are watching these two programs instead of concentrating on their duty shifts. These programs are being broadcast for the benefit of off duty crewmembers only. I am well aware of the lengths Mr. Paris is going to in order to monopolize your viewing time, but that is no excuse. You can find out what happens between Scott, Genevieve and Tara AFTER the present shift is over. Is that clear?
Janeway
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: the doctor
Subject: your message
Time sent: 1503 hrs
Captain,
I glanced at my terminal and happened to notice your latest message. In it you referred to Mr. Paris monopolizing the attention of the crew. Is that true? What's wrong with my programming schedule? I've put a great deal of effort into it.
The doctor
**
To: Neelix
From: the Captain
Subject: the doctor's message, attached
Time sent: 1508 hrs
Neelix,
The doctor wants to know why more people are watching Mr. Paris' show than his. Perhaps this is a chance for you to flex some of your diplomatic skills. That's not a request, by the way.
Janeway
**
To: the doctor
From: Neelix
Subject: re your message
Time sent: 1512 hrs
Doctor,
The captain has asked me to respond on her behalf. Your "Medical Marvels" is a fine program. Very informative, well researched and clearly presented. But personally I'm rather fond of entertainment with dramatic tension, illicit liaisons and star crossed lovers. "Famous encounters in a petrie dish" doesn't really cut it in that regard. Don't take it personally doctor. You're doing fine work over there.
Neelix
**
To: Neelix
From: the doctor
Subject: re your message
Time sent: 1520 hrs
Mr. Neelix,
If I'm doing such "fine work", as you so diplomatically put it, then why is most of the crew riveted to Mr. Paris' puerile program? Please, give me some practical advice. I'm new to this "ratings war" business.
Doctor.
**
To: Neelix
From: Harry Kim
Subject: Voyager TV
Time sent: 1530 hrs
Neelix,
I just woke up and went to check what Tom had done with his TV program idea. Is the captain really letting him get away with this? When I turned it on, it was right in the middle of the jacuzzi scene with Brett and Tara.
Harry
**
To: Harry
From: Neelix
Subject: re Voyager TV
Time sent: 1536 hrs
I'm afraid so, Mr. Kim. And what's worse is that the doctor has tried to set up a rival program which is failing dismally. The captain told me to try to reassure him about it, but I think I just made things worse. Now he wants some practical advice. You're the expert holoprogram writer. What should I tell him?
Neelix
**
To: The doctor
From: Harry Kim
Subject: Medical Marvels
Time sent: 1540 hrs
Hi there, doc.
Neelix told me you were looking for a few pointers for your program. Personally, I like a story with dramatic tension, excitement, and a little romance. You shouldn't have any trouble with that. After all, you do interact with all of the crew at some stage. They all come in to see you. Surely they've told you some interesting stories you can draw on for inspiration?
Hope that helps,
Harry
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: URGENT
Time sent: 1543 hrs
Kathryn,
Stop whatever you are doing this instant and turn on the doctor's station. I'm serious. You have to see this. Right now. Quickly!
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re URGENT
Time sent: 1544
Chakotay,
What the hell does he think he's playing at?
Kathryn
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: re URGENT
Time sent: 1546 hrs
Kath,
I don't know. But my best guess is he's trying to win viewers away from Tom's soapie.
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re URGENT
Time sent: 1547 hrs
Chakotay,
I figured that much out. What I meant was, how does he expect to get away with this? This information is confidential! The patients he's talking about are NOT going to be impressed.
Kathryn
**
To: The doctor
From: Harry Kim
Subject: your program
Time sent: 1550 hrs
Doc! This wasn't what I had in mind when I said to draw on patient's experience. You're going to get in BIG trouble for this. I advise you to get out now while you still can.
Harry.
**
To: the members of Voyager's Drama society
From: Tom Paris, your director
Subject: the doctor's program
Time sent: 1550 hrs
Guys,
"Confessions of a sickbay junkie" is kicking our butts in the ratings. No one cares what we're doing now. We could be dancing the naked Risan tango and no one would watch. Any suggestions?
Tom
**
To: the doctor
From: Commander Chakotay
Subject: WARNING
Time sent: 1554 hrs
Doctor,
I know you're monitoring your message channel, so don't try and pretend you didn't read this. I'm warning you, STOP NOW. I recognise the start of this anecdote, and if you go any further, so help me, I will find new ways to make holographic pain feel very, very real.
Chakotay.
**
To: the doctor
From: Commander Chakotay
Subject: NOT JOKING, DOCTOR
Time sent: 1555 hrs
Doc,
I'm really really serious. Stop it. The captain is watching you. For the gods' sakes (or just for ours) please stop before you bury yourself any further. I MEAN IT! Don't make me come down there.
Chakotay
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: TOP PRIORITY MESSAGE
Time sent: 1556 hrs
B'Elanna,
Shut the doctor's program down. NOW! I don't care what plugs you have to pull, just pull them.
Janeway
**
To: Voyager Crew
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: recent broadcast
Time sent 1600 hrs
Attention Crew,
Some of you - those off duty of course - may have seen the doctor's most recent broadcast. I've been conferring with Ms. Torres and we both agree that the doctor's holomatrix was put under extraordinary stress during his attempt to broadcast live on his own for four hours without a break. This led to a malfunction in the doctor's program, causing him to invent wilder and wilder stories in his attempts to win viewers from Mr. Paris' rival station.
He has admitted now that NONE of the statements he made in the last half an hour were even remotely true. In particular, he wishes to strenuously apologize for any slanders he may have directed towards the command staff, especially the captain and first officer. We have accepted his apology, and now ask that you all get on with your work and forget that this whole affair ever happened.
In conclusion, please note that tryouts for talent night will begin first thing in the morning in cargo bay one. All crewmembers are encouraged to participate in this morale building exercise.
Captain Janeway.
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: holodecks
Time sent: 1615 hrs
B'Elanna,
You were right. Tuvok and Vorik are planning to collaborate on a joint poetry reading.
I've increased our speed so we'll get to the trading outpost more quickly. Please have your engineering teams stand by to receive the spare parts. I want those holodecks up and running ASAP.
Thankyou,
Janeway
**
the end
**
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