Part twelve of "Little blue world" - an AU series
by Jinny W
June 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount owns all. I'm just playing.
Summary: He's alive ... so will Kathryn make her move?
~~~
"Are you actually going to eat any of that?"
B'Elanna stared glumly at her untouched plate, and let her fork rest down beside it. "Probably not", she admitted.
"Mind if I steal some?"
"Do your worst", she said, pushing the plate over towards Harry. He lifted it up and began scraping the contents onto his own plate.
"I never thought I'd miss Neelix's cooking", she admitted, as he started to shovel the food into his mouth. She threw a quick glance around the mess hall, noting with satisfaction that most of the crew also seemed to be pushing their food around rather than eating it.
"It's not that bad", he mumbled, through a mouthful of dinner.
"Murphy is a fine scientist", she said firmly, "and I don't mind letting him near my engines. I'm just not so keen on his other creative efforts. Has the man not heard of moderation?"
"I like chili".
"Obviously".
"So what are you going to do, stay on a hunger strike until Neelix gets back?"
"I just need to be a little more hungry first."
"Mmm", Harry replied, still busily eating.
"With any luck", she said, "it won't be that long until we catch up with Rexal's ship. Seeing as we are heading in their direction now."
"True."
"I wonder how the rescue's going?"
Harry took a swallow of water and made a face. "I hope they biff Seska one for me."
"I don't think you're alone there. She's not the most popular person on board".
"No", he agreed, "but I'm the one she and Jonas tried to frame."
"What the hell does he think he's doing?" she asked. "Did he think we'd just let him steal Neelix's ship and get away with it?"
"Do you think Seska will be happy to see him?"
B'Elanna shrugged. "I don't know. I got the impression she was just using him. I suppose it depends on how things are going with the Kazon. She might want to see a friendly face. Or another ally."
Harry finished clearing his plate and nodded his agreement. "What if he gets there in time to interfere with Kathryn and Tom's rescue plans?"
"I don't know", she allowed, "but that ship can't go much faster than ours. I don't imagine Neelix had that much fuel left either."
"Then here's hoping that he runs out sometime soon".
"I'll drink to that", she said, raising her glass to clink against his.
Their toast was interrupted by a hail from the bridge.
"Ms. Torres", Tuvok's placid voice reported, "I think you'd better come up here."
"What's happening, Tuvok?"
"Mr. Jonas has altered course."
"I'm on my way." B'Elanna pushed back her chair, smiling wearily at Harry. "No rest for the wicked", she said.
"How come you get to be in charge of the ship when Kathryn's not here?" he asked, following her out of the mess hall.
"I'm the next Maquis in line, I guess", she said, as they hurried along the corridor. "Why?"
"I was just wondering what it felt like to boss Tuvok around."
She shot him another quick grin. "It has its moments. It would be more fun if the Captain also got to have their own chef though."
"Or their own replicator".
"Or their own replicator," she agreed. "I'd settle for that."
~~~
"What would he be doing on the Kazon ship?" Neelix asked.
Kathryn shrugged. "Hiding, I guess. He must have found a place where he could hole up with supplies."
Rexal spoke from behind them. "A clever man, your Captain. The ruse must have convinced the Kazon they had killed him, then he could hide with relative ease."
Neelix nodded in understanding. "Didn't they search the wreckage of the escape pod through?"
"Possibly not", she replied. "The Kazon, the Nistrum especially, tend to be arrogant enough not to second guess themselves."
"He must have simulated life signs somehow too", Kathryn added, "so that they would know the pod wasn't empty."
Neelix looked impressed. "I'm glad I was never chasing the Captain, that's all I can say."
"Well, we are chasing him in a way", Tom said, "the question is, what do we do now we think we've caught him?"
The three of them huddled around the screen on which Chakotay's coded message still flashed.
"What do you think he wants us to do?" Neelix asked. "The message doesn't say."
"Nothing", Kathryn said, "we should do nothing."
"Nothing?" Neelix screwed up his nose. "Shouldn't we make some effort to free him from the ship?"
She shook her head. "No, I don't think so. His message just told us that he was alive, somewhere near here. If he had wanted us to do something to help him he would have said so. We have to assume he was just waiting for us to provide transport."
"That might be true," Tom said, "but he was also expecting us to arrive in the Liberty."
"So?"
"So he was expecting us to have transporter technology. Maybe he wants us to beam him out of there."
"But we don't know his exact location", she objected.
"Couldn't we scan the ship somehow?" Neelix asked. "We could use the site to site transporters then".
"Not without them knowing it," Rexal said.
"And if he was expecting the Liberty", Tom said, "he might not even know that we're here at all. Even if he's monitoring outside the ship, he'd just see a Talaxian vessel."
"We can't just sit here", Neelix said, "they're probably about to leave."
As if sensing his words the Kazon ship began powering up its engines. Kathryn stared at the glow, as if transfixed.
"Look", Neelix said. "If we don't do something now, we'll lose our chance."
"Maybe we could try and keep them here longer", Tom suggested. "If we-"
"No", Kathryn cut in. "Chakotay has the advantage. They think he's dead. If we try and interfere any further Seska will know something is wrong. We'll tip his hand. We have to trust that he has a plan." She eyed them each in turn, "because let's face it, we don't have one. And our spontaneity hasn't served us too well so far. We do nothing."
Tom shrugged in resignation, although he clearly still disagreed. "Alright", he said, "you're the boss. We'll do nothing."
"As crazy as it sounds", Rexal spoke up again, "I think you're right, Kathryn."
Kathryn turned towards the Talaxian woman, who was gazing at her computer screen with an odd smile.
"What makes you say that?" she asked.
Rexal glanced up at her, the twitch at the corner of her mouth stretching to a full grin. "Because", she said, "someone is trying to transport themselves through my shields. And I'd wager it's not your friend Seska."
~~~
"Tuvok", B'Elanna said, stepping onto the bridge. "Where's he going now?"
Tuvok stood up, vacating the command chair.
"At first his course deviation was minor", he reported, "which made me think that perhaps he was trying to throw us off his tail."
"But we know how to get to the Nistrum position", she said, slipping into the chair, "we used him to find it in the first place."
Tuvok dipped his head. "Further observation has led me to a different conclusion."
He began rapidly typing commands into the science console, and a three dimensional map appeared on the viewscreen.
"He is now headed in this direction", he said, plotting in the small vessel's apparent trajectory.
"But where is -" she broke off, cursing. "The wormhole! He's headed back to the wormhole."
"What!" Harry exclaimed.
Tuvok's eyebrow twitched slightly. "Hardly a surprising tactical move, considering Mr. Jonas' previous behaviour."
"Running away?" Harry said, "No, I guess not."
B'Elanna tried to repress a sigh. "The question is, should we follow him?"
"If we do we'll be late meeting with Rexal", Harry said.
"Indeed," Tuvok agreed, "and there is no guarantee we would catch him before he took Neelix's ship through the wormhole. Assuming of course it is still stable and functioning."
B'Elanna ground her teeth, thinking quickly. "Alright", she said, "I guess it's no great loss if we say to hell with Jonas and just let him -"
She broke off as Hogan came charging through the doorway. He drew up before her, leaning on a console, as he caught his breath.
"Sorry", he panted, "but my communicator wasn't working, so I had to come up here to tell you myself."
He continued to breathe heavily for a moment, while the others stared at him curiously.
"Tell me what?" B'Elanna prompted.
"It's Sam", Hogan said, "Sam's gone missing. I can't find her anywhere. I was supposed to meet her for breakfast this morning. When she didn't show up I assumed she'd just forgotten, or was busy. But no one's seen her all day."
Harry spoke from behind him. "I was supposed to be meeting her for a game of cards last night", he said, "but she didn't show then either. I assumed the same thing."
"So I went to her quarters", Hogan continued hurriedly, "and there were phaser burns on some of the furniture. Someone had forced their way inside and taken her."
"Who would want to attack Sam?" Harry asked.
The sour expression on B'Elanna's face hinted that she had some idea. Before she could speak, Tuvok's console began beeping.
"We are receiving a transmission", he said, "it's being broadcast from Neelix's ship."
"Put it on the screen."
The chart disappeared, to be replaced by a visual of Jonas' head.
"Jonas", B'Elanna hissed. He smiled as if he hadn't heard her.
"It's a prerecorded message," Tuvok reported.
"Hello friends," Jonas began. "I guess you must have noticed by now that I've changed my mind about where I'm going."
"I doubt that", Harry mumbled.
"You might also have noticed by now that you're missing a member of your crew."
The camera zoomed back until they could see that Jonas was holding a phaser, which he had trained on a terrified looking Samantha Wildman.
"You can stop looking for her", he said, grinning, "because she's with me."
"Bastard", Hogan hissed, his eyes flickering over the large purple bruise on Sam's forehead.
Jonas's smile vanished. "And you can stop chasing me now, too", he said coldly, "If you come within one light year of this ship, I'll kill her."
At that Sam looked towards the screen, her eyes pleading.
"Don't think I won't do it", he continued. "I'll do it. I'll do it in a second if you don't leave me alone." He grinned again, a frighteningly mad gesture. "If I get back to the Alpha Quadrant unharmed, I'll let her go. So you could say I was doing her a favour, taking her home." His eyes narrowed. "It's more than any of you accomplished."
Then the screen went blank.
~~~
"Take us out", Jimiyu ordered.
As his pilot began manipulating the controls, his console started to spark, then sizzled as a feedback loop sent an electromagnetic pulse back through it. The man cried out and stumbled backwards, his hands badly burnt. The ship's engines whined, then powered down.
"Engine room", Jimiyu snapped. "What's happening down there?"
"I don't know Maj", a nervous voice floated back, "the engines have completely lost power."
"Perhaps the prisoners were able to sabotage them somehow", the pilot suggested, as he cradled his smoking hands.
"Have those burns seen to", Jimiyu said, then turned to Seska, who was eyeing him carefully. "Are all your Federation peoples trained in the art of sabotage?"
Seska's eyes had narrowed suspiciously, but her response was mild. "No," she said. "But Janeway is a resourceful woman. Perhaps she did manage to cause some damage before you let her go."
Her manner was submissive, but her meaning obvious. Jimiyu grunted, then turned back to the viewscreen as Rexal's ship's ignited its engines.
"They are leaving now anyway", he said. "Go down to the engine room and help with the repairs."
"Yes Maj", she said, bobbing her head slightly.
It couldn't be, she thought, as she stalked off the bridge. It couldn't be him, could it?
~~~
Kathryn sprinted along the corridor, nearly knocking down one of Rexal's crewmen as she clipped his shoulder. She mumbled a hasty apology, then hurried on towards the ladder leading to the lower decks. She slid down two levels, then turned left, and rushed through the first doorway.
"I'm here", she gasped, activating her communicator. "Let him through."
The shimmering figure in the centre of the room began to take a human shape as Rexal quickly dropped then raised her shields. Kathryn leaned one hand on the doorframe as the ship began vibrating in time with its engine core.
Chakotay's figure solidified. Kathryn felt frozen in the doorway as she watched him. Even with his back towards her she could tell he was disheveled, his dingy tunic hanging loosely from his stooped shoulders. He turned in a quick circle, surveying the room. As his eyes lighted on her he smiled ruefully, and raised a grubby hand to rub his whiskered chin.
"I guess I look quite a sight", he said.
Kathryn gaped dumbly at him for a moment, then hailed the bridge again. "It's him", she reported, "we can get out here".
His dark eyes seemed to twinkle with amusement. "Who else were you expecting?"
"A ghost", she said.
He glanced around him again. "I was expecting the Liberty," he said, "but luckily I was hiding somewhere where I could hear what was going on. I heard Seska talking about you."
Although his voice was mild his eyes flashed with anger as he said her name. Kathryn wanted to ask him if he knew her secret, but didn't think that now was the right moment.
"She told us you were dead. I didn't get your message until a day later."
As if released from a binding spell, she moved swiftly towards him and threw her arms around his shoulders.
"It's so good to see you", she whispered, pressing her face against his neck. "I missed you."
Chakotay wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her into a tight hug.
"I missed you too", he murmured. "I should've known you'd come charging in with the cavalry. Or even without it."
"I brought Tom Paris", she said with a chuckle, "and Neelix too."
He laughed, loosening his hold on her while he rubbed one palm along her back.
"The others are back on the Liberty. They're closer to the wormhole."
"What? What wormhole?"
They pulled apart, Kathryn reluctantly letting her hands drop from his chest. "We found a wormhole while we were chasing the Ogla ship."
Chakotay looked startled, then shook his head tiredly. "I guess I have been gone for a while. Where did it lead?"
"The Alpha Quadrant. We weren't sure how stable it was, but we voted to come and get you first before we sent anyone through it."
She spoke quickly, the words tumbling out, as she tried to penetrate the oddly bland expression on his face.
"And we also found some interesting engine designs when B'Elanna and I hacked into their computer core. We might be able to build a transwarp drive, if the wormhole doesn't work out. I've left B'Elanna in charge, and she's looking over all the specs to see what she can make of it."
"A transwarp drive? From the Kazon?" Chakotay appeared stunned, then chuckled softly. "Is that all you did? No overhaul of the ship? No advanced retraining of my crew?"
She pulled a face at that. "I did break someone's nose", she admitted.
"You what? Whose?"
"Kuchel."
He laughed shortly. "He's been asking for a nose breaking the whole time I've known him."
She shook her head, and linked her arm through his. "I should take you to get cleaned up. After you're rested, you can catch up on everything you missed. You can tell us what you've been up to, as well," she added.
He smiled at her, but it was a tired smile. "Fair enough", he said.
As she led him from the room, Kathryn kept throwing sideways glances at his face. She couldn't help noting that there seemed to be a strange look in his eyes, a haunted expression she didn't recognise. Although his tone had stayed light, an aura of weariness hung about him. Weariness and something else. Was he trying to hide something from her? She sensed that he was watching her too, as if considering a decision already made. She tried to shake off the feeling. What he needed now was rest. Afterwards... her mind leapt unbidden through various pleasant possibilities. Afterwards, she concluded with a small smile, they could have a little talk.
~~~
After a night's rest and a quick shower from Rexal's precious water supply, Chakotay seemed almost like his old self. He joked with Neelix and bantered with Tom Paris as they gradually filled him in on the events he had missed. He listened to them carefully, stopping their narrative occasionally to ask questions. Although he raised his eyebrows when Kathryn described their decision to leave the wormhole, and to recruit Rexal, he kept his opinions on their actions to himself.
When they had finished it was his turn. He told them how the Nistrum had "rescued" them from the Ogla ship, how he had learnt of Seska's guilt from her familiarity with Shonah, and how she had conspired with his second to oust him when displeased with her standing on the ship. He described his escape from his locked room, his sabotage of the ship, and his attempt to trick the Kazon into thinking he was dead.
"I didn't think I had much of a chance of escaping without better transport", he explained. "When I found the escape pods I briefly considered making a dash for the planet, but I suspected they would destroy it rather than try to recapture me." He took a long swig of his drink. "And I was right. They fired on the pod as soon as they detected it."
"How did you know they wouldn't scan the wreckage?" Neelix interjected.
"I didn't", he said, "I just took the chance, and it turned out I guessed correctly. The Maj seemed rather taken with his own cleverness. He also despised me. In short, he didn't seem the type to want to sift through wreckage looking for bones. It was a calculated risk."
"And the message?" Neelix said.
Chakotay shrugged. "I took a chance there too. I hoped that if they did find it they wouldn't know what it meant anyway." He took another drink, resting the empty glass down on the table. "After that hiding was much easier. I just had to be careful stealing food and water so as to not arouse any suspicion. I also hid where I could hear what was going on." He shot a penetrating look at Kathryn, then quickly returned his gaze to the glass. "I found out you were aboard the Talaxian ship, so I set a booby trap in their engine room, rewired the transporters and got ready to beam myself over. That's about it."
Kathryn eyed him carefully, wondering if there was a deeper meaning behind his comment about eavesdropping. What else had he heard while in hiding?
"So Seska does really think you're dead", Tom said.
"Yes." Chakotay gave him a dark look. "But Seska can rot in hell for all I care". He began drawing idle patterns on the side of his empty glass. "I think she's beginning to realise that she's made a bad choice here. But she got herself into it, she can get herself out of it." He snorted. "I'm sure she'll think of something devious enough to save her skin."
Kathryn frowned, trying to gauge his declaration. Did that mean he knew that Seska had been a Cardassian spy all along? Or was he merely bitter about her more recent acts of betrayal? She resolved to talk to him about it later, away from the others.
Her chance came after dinner that night. She dropped by his quarters on the pretext of checking up on him. Rexal's ship, as she had already discovered, was even more sparse than their own. Chakotay's room was tiny, its only piece of furniture a single bed. He shuffled sideways to create some room for her. She sat down, then pulled her legs up onto the bed, resting her arms around her bent knees.
Despite all the time she had devoted during the past week to thinking about what to say when she finally saw him again, Kathryn found herself unable to begin. Chakotay, for his part, seemed content to sit in silence. He appeared to be staring absent mindedly at a patch Neelix had sewn just below the knee of her trousers. She knew him well enough to guess that his mind was working as furiously as her own. She gazed at his face for a moment, trying to imagine what he was thinking. Had he spent any time while he was away thinking about her? Had he planned any ridiculous speeches, any of the halting declarations she had run through her mind late at night?
"I wanted to apologize to you", she said eventually, thinking of something she and Tom had spoken of.
Chakotay looked up at her, his brow creasing as if he was surprised to see her there. "Apologize? For what?"
"The last time I talked to you we were arguing. I yelled at you." When he didn't respond she added, "I hated to think that was your last impression of me, being angry at you like that."
His eyes narrowed. "We were arguing about Seska, as I recall."
"Yes."
"And you were right", he said shortly.
"I know", she said softly. "But it isn't always pleasant being right."
"Isn't it?" He eyed her in apparent amusement, before shaking his head. "No, I don't suppose it is."
He fell silent again, and she cursed herself for bringing up the subject of Seska straight away.
"I think Harry understood", she said, "He was bitter about it at first, but he's been making a real effort to fit in lately. The change in him is quite incredible."
"Really?" Chakotay said dully. "I would say the change in Seska is more incredible."
She drew in a sharp breath. "What do you mean by that?" she asked carefully.
He flickered his eyes over hers again. "I mean now that she's reverted to her natural physiology. She looks remarkably different from the woman I first met."
Kathryn nodded. "I wasn't sure if you knew -"
"-that she's been lying to me all along?" he finished, then laughed bitterly. "I know. I suspected there was some secret she hadn't told me, but I had no idea it was something like that. Then I was hiding near the bridge when they brought you and Tom in. I couldn't see either of you, but I heard you calling her a Cardassian."
"Cardassian bitch, I think I said," she added.
He went on as though she hadn't spoken. "So afterwards I made sure I could get a look at her, to see for myself. Then I knew what she meant by something she'd said earlier. I'd told her that I didn't know who she was anymore, and she said that was more true than I knew. Well", he finished tiredly, "I know now."
"I'm sorry", Kathryn said softly. "I know that's a completely inadequate thing to say. But I am sorry."
He glanced at her sharply. "You never trusted her, did you?"
She met his gaze, then shook her head.
"Even B'Elanna suspected she was up to something. B'Elanna has a good nose for people like that. I didn't listen."
"She's a good liar."
He snorted. "And I'm an easy target."
"I didn't say that."
"No, I did. B'Elanna told me not to let my feelings get in the way of the truth. She's right. I should never have trusted Seska."
The timing was wrong, she knew it, but she couldn't help herself. She leaned over and kissed him. As she pressed her lips against his she could feel him beginning to respond. He raised his hands to touch either side of her face, then gently pushed her away. They eyed each other in awkward silence for a few moments, then both spoke at once.
"I wanted to say-"
"Kathryn-"
She flushed. "You go first."
He traced the outline of her lower lip with his thumb, then let his hands drop from her face.
"I don't think this is very good idea", he said.
She stared at him blankly, waiting for him to say more. When he didn't she said, "I don't understand."
"Yes, you do, Kathryn." He watched her sadly, adding, "You've been a captain, you know how complicated these things get."
She blinked in surprise. "What?" She almost laughed, then sobered when she saw he was serious. "You don't want to... because you're the Captain?" She snorted. "That's ridiculous. Things are completely different on the Liberty."
"Are they?"
"You know they are."
Chakotay clenched his teeth, then said abruptly, "I don't want your pity."
"My what?" She shook her head slowly. "That isn't what this is."
"Isn't it?"
"How can you say that?" she blurted. "I wanted you before -" Kathryn struggled for words, feeling all trace of eloquence leave her, "before they took you, before Seska's tricks, before all of this happened. You know that." When he didn't respond she continued more quietly. "You must know. Everybody else on the Liberty seems to."
Chakotay's eyes met hers, as he thought about what Seska had said to him that day. She's what you want, she had said, she's what you always wanted. She was right, of course. Still, he had made his mind up days ago, in those achingly quiet hours he had spent alone in the bowels of the Kazon ship. No complications, he told himself. That's what you decided. No distractions. Don't let anyone get too close. The way Kathryn was looking at him now, with such hurt and genuine confusion in her eyes, he could feel his resolve start to waver. He forced himself to look away, and reminded himself of all the obstacles to their relationship he'd ever imagined.
She comes from a different world, he told himself. She's Starfleet, you're a terrorist. She came to capture you. You can't trust her. She's not one of us. She could never be one of us. He seized on the thought, and repeated it over and over. It was logical, in a way. But would she accept that? He shot another quick look at Kathryn and surmised that she wouldn't. She would be more likely to argue with him, tell him how she had changed, how life was different on the Liberty. If only he could stop her looking at him like that...
"I can't deal with this right now, Kathryn," he said eventually.
She stared at him, still confused. "Since when have I been a problem to deal with?"
"That's not what I meant."
"Chakotay". She almost had him then, with the careful way she mouthed his name. She reached up to force his face to turn towards her. Her blue eyes bored into his. "Tell me", she said, "tell me that you feel nothing for me."
He drew on years of practice at deception, tactical maneuvers, and prudent retreats. "Of course", he said deliberately, "you've been a good friend to me."
"A friend?"
"What's wrong with friends?"
She watched him dumbly, then repeated his words. "What's wrong with friends?"
"Sure."
She let her hand slip from his face, then shook her head. "I don't understand what's happened to you."
He swallowed hard. "If I ever gave you the wrong impression, Kathryn, then I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention."
A sudden impulse made him want to erase the bewildered expression from her face, even if he had to be cruel, even if it meant replacing it with anger.
"I didn't want to say this before", he said slowly, "in front of the others, but I think you made the wrong decision."
She met his eyes again, not understanding.
"You should have gone through the wormhole. You should have taken them all home."
"We didn't want to leave without -"
He cut her off. "I'm one man, Kathryn, one man. You shouldn't have made the others choose whether my life was worth saving over theirs. That wasn't fair. It was your decision. You should have taken the Liberty through the wormhole."
"I can't believe you really think that."
"Believe it."
Her face was blank now, and Chakotay blundered on. "Maybe it made you feel good", he said, "breaking Kuchel's nose. I know he's a little toe rag, needs pulling into line sometimes. It probably felt good, thinking you had the crew's respect."
"Of course it did." She seemed piqued now, and her voice rose slightly in irritation.
He shook his head. "You might have been in command of the ship, but you were never one of them. How could you be? So you don't wear the uniform. So they call you by your first name. Big deal. You're still Starfleet, in your bones. They breed it into you, then they train it into you, until you don't know how to be anything else."
"Why are you saying this?"
"Because it's true. Because I don't want you to be deluded, Kathryn." He shook his head again. "You're not one of us. You haven't seen the things we've seen, done the things we've done. You're safe."
"Safe?"
"Sure. Isn't that really why you didn't go down the wormhole? So you wouldn't have to face turning them all in when you got to the other end?"
Kathryn glared at him then. "How can you say that? I would not-"
"As soon as you got back to the Alpha Quadrant, you'd be the precious Starfleet Captain, pitied because you had to spend months surviving with a horde of terrorists. How did she do it? they'll wonder. Even if you didn't turn them in yourself, they'd still have to drop you off somewhere and go into hiding again. Then there'd be the questions about my-"
Kathryn scrambled off the bed, surprising him with her speed. She spun to face him, her face glowing.
"I'm sorry you've had to put up with me for so long, then", she snapped. "I'm sorry that you had to suffer the indignity of being rescued by two ex-Starfleeter's instead of your own crew. I'm sorry that I embarrassed you by admitting that I care about you."
She backed towards the door, her anger not managing to hide the tears that were prickling at the corners of her eyes. "I'll keep my distance then, Captain", she said, "if that's what you want."
"I-" Chakotay began, but it was too late. She had gone, and the doors cracked shut behind her.
"That is what I want", he said softly, but even to his ears the words sounded ridiculously hollow, and cruelly untrue.
~~~
end of part twelve
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