by Jinny W
March 2001
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and all its characters.
Summary: Yep, it's another padd story. Hence the bad pun in the title, for which I apologize profusely. Neelix plans yet another humanoid celebration for the intrepid Voyager crew, and yet again something goes awry. This time it's St. Patrick's Day. Cheers!
**
To: Harry Kim
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Irish festival
Time sent: 0940 hrs
Harry,
Remember a few months ago when I told you I had discovered the most delicious festival in the cultural database? That Irish celebration called "St. Patrick's Day"? It involved drinking a lot of Guinness, wearing green clothing while being rowdy with your friends, and if you're unlucky enough to be not even remotely Irish, trying to dig up an Irish ancestor somewhere down the line. (I mean that figuratively of course.)
I just looked up the date and found it's actually supposed to be tomorrow, so we'll have to rush to get a party ready in time. What do you think? Want in?
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris
From: Harry Kim
Subject: re Irish festival
Time sent: 0947 hrs
Tom,
I do hope you're joking. Does "Kim" sound like an Irish name to you? Besides, I'm heading up this survey mission. Why don't you go bug the Captain. You know she has a fondness for all things Irish.
Harry
**
To: Harry O'Kim
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re Irish festival
Time sent: 0953 hrs
Harry, Harry,
No need to get snippy. Do you really think I'd be that stupid? I do value my head. Besides, a little bird told me her infatuation for "all things Irish" is a thing of the past.
Maybe I could slip the idea to her via other channels. I'll let you know. Have fun with all that stellar dust, won't you.
Tom
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: Neelix
Subject: Crew morale
Time sent:1036 hrs
Captain,
You asked us at the staff meeting yesterday if anyone had suggestions for how to perk up those crewmembers not working on the astronomical survey while we're in this dull patch of space. I thought that maybe a cultural festival might be just the thing. There happens to be one right around the corner - tomorrow, actually - that has some resonance with your own family history.
It's called Saint Patrick's Day, and according to the cultural database it's a celebration of Irish culture. I remember you telling us about your Irish ancestors, the O'Donnells. Perhaps some of the other human crew members also have Irish ancestry? I'd be happy to do a quick survey.
Sorry for the short notice, but I've only just found out about this.
Neelix
**
To: Ensign Murphy
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Time to pay up
Time sent: 1038 hrs
Hi Jack,
I think I've come up with a way you can pay off all those replicator rations you owe me. I'm assuming you know about St. Patrick's Day, right? We're having a party tomorrow night, and I've got an idea for a beautiful prank to pull on our favourite command couple. Interested?
How *is* Neelix's cuisine these days, by the way? Is he still experimenting with those exotic Vulcan dishes?
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris
From: Ensign Murphy
Subject: re Time to pay up
Time sent: 1040 hrs
Tom,
Boy are you subtle. Not to mention insane. I'm having nasty premonitions of us both ending up as crewmen. Janeway might even invent a new minus rank just for the occasion. Sub-crewmen Paris and Murphy. Hmm. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Alright, I'll bite. What sort of prank?
Jack
**
To: Ensign Murphy
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re Time to pay up
Time sent: 1042 hrs
Attachment: EMH protocols.doc
Jack,
You won't be sorry! We could both scoop the pools if we play this right. Meet me as soon as I get off Alpha shift and I'll fill you in. In the meantime, have a look at the file I sent you.
Thanks,
Tom
**
To: Neelix
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: re Crew morale
Time sent: 1042 hrs
Neelix,
It sounds promising. Why don't you throw together a sketch of your plans, and I'll talk to Commander Chakotay about supervising the event. Please don't think I don't trust you. But if we have a repeat of the St. Valentine's Day fiasco I will *not* be pleased.
Janeway
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: Neelix
Subject: re Crew morale
Time sent: 1047 hrs
Captain,
I assure you I'll be making the beverages entirely from synthehol this time. Can I take this opportunity again to say sorry? I'm sorry. I won't let Seven near the punch this time, just in case. Honestly. I promise.
Neelix
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn Janeway
Subject: Crew party
Time sent: 1114 hrs
Commander,
Neelix has asked if he can hold a party tomorrow night to celebrate an old Irish holiday called St. Patrick's day. I've given him the green light (pardon the pun) but I'm up to my eyeballs in paperwork. Can I get you to take over the reins?
Thanks,
Kathryn
**
To: Kathryn
From: Chakotay
Subject: re Crew party
Time sent: 1120 hrs
Kathryn,
Are you serious? I'm busy too you know. Don't try telling me this is because I'm responsible for the crew on a more personal basis. I can smell you trying to weasel out of this one from the next room.
Was this Tom Paris' idea, by any chance? (Call it my imagination if you will, but I'd swear he's been sniggering at something all morning at the helm.) Are you letting Seven attend?
What pun?
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re Crew party
Time sent: 1126 hrs
Chakotay,
To answer your questions backwards: Green light. Things Irish. Get it? Seven usually does whatever she likes on this ship as far as I can tell. Neelix didn't say, but you know Tom. He has a finger in every pie. And lastly, I am truthfully busy. And not at all in a smelly weasel-like fashion, thankyou very much.
Kathryn
**
To: Kathryn, the cutest weasel I know
From: Chakotay, friend of weasels
Subject: re Crew party
Time sent: 1135 hrs
Kath,
Don't pretend to be affronted, that won't work. But I'll do it anyway, just for you. So long as you promise we aren't going to be holding this damn thing in the Fair Haven program.
And no, I still don't get it.
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay, all round hero
From: Kathryn, Queen Weasel
Subject: re Crew party
Time sent: 1142 hrs
Chakotay,
You don't honestly think I'd go back there after that last embarrassing scene, do you? I told you we should have waited until we were back in my quarters. Or at least changed the holo-program first. Anyway, Neelix is designing something new, so don't worry. No distressing run-ins with violently jealous ex-boyfriends, holographic or otherwise to be expected. It should be quite a tame event.
Let's have lunch, I'll explain the joke to you then.
Kathryn
**
To: The Doctor
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Irish party music
Time sent: 1630 hrs
Hey Doc,
I'm putting together some quick ideas for the St Patrick's day party tomorrow night. You're the music wizard around here. Could I put the job of collecting some Celtic folk music into your capable holo-hands? Neelix is officially in charge, so let him know what your thoughts are.
Thanks,
Tom
**
To: Samantha Wildman
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Irish party decorations
Time sent: 1632 hrs
Attachment: Shamrock.doc, Celtic cross.doc
Hi Sam,
I'm putting together some quick ideas for the St Patrick's day party tomorrow night. I was hoping I could recruit you to organize the decorations? Have a look at the files I've sent you, and if you're interested, please liaise with Neelix. He's the official boss of the whole thing.
Thanks,
Tom
**
To: Harry O'Kim
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Re-enactment
Time sent: 1634 hrs
Attachment: St Patrick.doc
Hi Harry,
We've got the go ahead, buddy, so I'm putting together some ideas for the party. I thought maybe we could put together a holo-program dramatically re-enacting the St. Patrick myth. I've attached a file explaining the whole story, which I didn't have time to read all the way through. I'm sure it's very interesting.
Any thoughts?
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris
From: Harry Kim
Subject: re Re-enactment
Time sent: 1705 hrs
Tom,
You mean you want *me* to design the re-enactment. You don't quit do you? Here's a thought for you - "no". Sorry, but I really am up to my ears with this survey. Despite the fact that I seem to be the only one on the ship actually working on it right now.
I thought Neelix was the head honcho. Why don't you ask him to do it? He could use the practice at holo-design. Remember the scenery he designed for the Valentine's Day party? I couldn't see straight for days afterwards. And that was before Seven's little impromptu pyrotechnics display. I'll forward the file onto him. Or failing that, you could always do it yourself. There's a novel idea.
And stop calling me Harry O'Kim, will you? It's very irritating.
Harry
**
To: Harry "Paddy" McKim
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re Re-enactment
Time sent: 1713 hrs
Harry,
Sheesh buddy, you've been breathing in too much space dust. Calm down. FYI, I'm working on something else rather delicate for the party. Otherwise I'd be happy to do it myself.
Okay, I'll get Neelix to do it. Sam Wildman's fixing the decorations, so the only other thing he's doing is brewing up the drinks. He lost interest in recreating Irish cuisine when he discovered what cabbages actually taste like. Who'd have thought Neelix and I would ever agree on matters culinary?
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris
From: Ensign Murphy
Subject: Your plan
Time sent: 1930 hrs
Tom,
I've done what you asked. It will all be ready to go as soon as you acquire the, shall we say, "necessary component".
Are you sure they won't be able to trace this back to me? The doc did look a tad suspicious when I asked him if he'd managed to find many romantic Irish songs yet. What if he tells the Captain?
Jack
**
To: Ensign Murphy
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re Your plan
Time sent: 1943 hrs
Jack,
Don't worry buddy. The doc is permanently in that piqued state. Haven't you noticed? I'm sure he won't connect the dots on this one.
Anyone would think you're scared of the Captain!
Tom
**
To: Tom Paris
From: Ensign Murphy
Subject: re Your plan
Time sent: 1949 hrs
Tom,
Are you serious?!
If it wasn't for the fact that I'll throw up if I so much as look at a bowl of Plomeek soup again, you'd be on your own. She could string me up like a pinyada without batting an eyelid and you know it. And there's plenty of room for two up on those rafters, Paris.
Jack
**
To: Tom Paris
From: B'Elanna Torres
Subject: Snakes
Time sent: 1045 hrs
Tom,
Thanks ever so much for the costume suggestion you left by the bed this morning, but may I remind you that I'm about as far from Irish as you can get on this ship (with the possible exception of Tuvok and Vorik). To put it politely, my love, you will see me in this particular outfit when Gre'thor freezes over.
I see you've been asking everyone bar Naomi and Icheb to help you put this shindig together. What exactly are you contributing?
By the way, can you tell me why I just got a request from Neelix to help him design some holographic snakes? He hasn't been sampling some of that muck he's brewing, I trust. I've already had to send out two repair crews this morning to fix the ventilation system above the galley.
B'Elanna
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Tom Paris
Subject: re Snakes
Time sent: 1053 hrs
B'e,
I'm flying the ship right now, actually. Alright, I am working on a surprise, but I can't tell you what it is. You'll see tonight.
I'd say the Bolians are a bit further away than all of you. Who cares? St Patrick himself wasn't Irish either. He went to Ireland from somewhere in Britain. So, as Seven would say, that proves we can all adapt.
Neelix is doing the holo-programming himself because Harry is bravely leading the expedition to study stellar dust particles. I have no idea about the snakes. Maybe there was something in the history files about them. I didn't read the whole thing. Did they eat snakes back then?
At any rate, from what I hear Janeway made him promise that the "muck he's brewing", as you so elegantly put it, won't be alcoholic. Is it true he extracted a colouring agent from some plant in the hydroponics bay? Ensign Jiles told me the vent grills were all stained an extremely vile shade of green.
Tom
P.S. Naomi and Icheb are on Sam's decoration committee. So there.
**
To: Tom Paris
From: B'Elanna Torres
Subject: re Snakes
Time sent: 1103 hrs
Tom,
So long as he isn't going to use the snakes to decorate the walls or ceiling, I'm happy. And please, please, don't mention the words "eating" and "snakes" in the same sentence within his earshot. That could have very nasty consequences. Even with my redundant stomach I don't want to find myself facing a plate of reptile and leola goulash.
I don't know about the plants. Might be best to check with the doctor, just in case.
B'Elanna
**
To: Ensign Kim
From: Ensign Murphy
Subject: Override lockouts
Time sent 1205 hrs
Hi Harry,
You know a fair bit about holo-programming, can you help me out? I need to know how to reset the override protocols so that only my password can turn off a program. Unofficially, that is.
I know you're busy, but this is urgent. Tom is demanding payback on those debts of mine. I'll owe you big time.
Nudge nudge, wink wink, and all that,
Jack
**
To: Ensign Murphy
From: Harry Kim
Subject: re Override lockouts
Time sent 1107 hrs
Attachment: Security algorithm.doc
Jack,
I've attached the template of a program you can use.
If this is for something Tom is cooking up, I don't want to know, and you never talked to me, capiche? Some of us don't get re-promoted so quickly, if you know what I mean.
Harry
**
To: Commander Chakotay
From: Neelix
Subject: Help!
Time sent: 1530 hrs
Commander,
I need your advice, if you have a moment. I'm supposed to be designing a holo-program for the party tonight, but I'm running out of time and I can't get it quite right. Everyone with any real technological skills seems busy doing something else. Can you help? Please, I'm getting desperate.
Neelix
**
To: Neelix
From: Commander Chakotay
Subject: re Help!
Time sent: 1543 hrs
Neelix,
I'll ignore the unflattering fact that you seem to be implying that asking me is akin to scraping the very bottom of the barrel (in lieu of finding anyone with "real technological skills"??? Not very diplomatic of you, Neelix.)
Sorry, but I don't think I'll have time to help you this afternoon anyway. The Captain has me keeping an eye on the whole party, which in reality means keeping an eye on what Mr. Paris is up to. You don't know what it is, do you, by any chance? He's been sneaking around like a Cardassian.
You're one of the most resourceful people I know, Neelix. If you can't get the holo-program right, then improvise. I'm sure all will be fine.
Chakotay
**
To: The Doctor
From: Tom Paris
Subject: Neelix's brewing
Time sent: 1605 hrs
Hi Doc,
B'Elanna mentioned that fumes from Neelix's brewing adventure seeped into the ventilation system this morning and caused some structural damage. I was hoping you could (tactfully) try and ensure that his beverages aren't going to be toxic, hallucinogenic or in any other way unsavoury.
By the way, when I mentioned collecting Celtic music yesterday, I didn't mean that you necessarily had to perform at the party yourself. Joe Carey heard you practicing this morning, and let's just say his remarks weren't that complementary.
Thanks,
Tom
**
To: Mr. Paris
From: The doctor
Subject: re Neelix's brewing
Time sent: 1630 hrs
Mr. Paris,
And you're worried about *my* lack of tact? I'll have you know that my repertoire of folk music is quite extensive. Mr. Carey is obviously a musical troglodyte.
Under exactly which pretext would you like me to sneak into the galley to scan the barrels? That I'm popping in for a little photonic snack? Why don't you find some way to get a sample up to sickbay? That would be much more plausible. Maybe you could tell Neelix you just can't wait for tonight to drink some. I could test the contents while still in your stomach. Or failing that, just swipe a petrie dish's worth. I know you know how.
The Doctor
**
To: The doctor
From: Mr. Paris
Subject: re Neelix's brewing
Time sent: 1646 hrs
Doc,
Alright, keep your holo-pants on. You can sing if that's what your heart really desires.
I'll pop in with a sample as soon as I can. I have to deal with a complaint from B'Elanna first. Apparently Neelix has just broken the mess hall replicator after ordering a massive amount of some mysterious biological substance for the party tonight. He took the replicated material, whatever it is, and has hidden it in a crate.
He won't let B'e look inside. She's convinced it's some kind of Irish foodstuff he wants to keep secret, and if so it may be toxic. He says the order is irrelevant to the replicator malfunction, and it was probably just overdue for maintenance. Things might get ugly if I don't hurry.
Tom
**
To: Kathryn Janeway
From: Chakotay
Subject: Odd behaviour
Time sent: 1927 hrs
Kathryn,
I guess you're not at the party yet either. (B'Elanna is hiding down in engineering, refusing to go. She muttered something about Tom and a green micro-mini-skirt. Can't say I really want to know any more detail than that.)
I've been getting some odd reports about what's going on in the holodeck. Nicoletti called to tell me one of the Ensigns from Astrometrics was swinging on a chandelier. Surely I heard that wrong? It was either that or "singing on a deer", which sounds even less likely.
I don't suppose you've heard what Tom's big surprise is yet?
Chakotay
**
To: Captain Janeway
From: The Doctor
Subject: Urgent medical warning
Time sent: 1940 hrs
Captain,
At Mr. Paris' request, I tested a sample of the "green beer" Mr. Neelix has been busily brewing for the party. If he hasn't already started serving the beverage - I believe the party got underway half an hour ago - I suggest we confiscate the entirety of his stock and throw it out the nearest airlock.
While technically non-toxic, the plant Neelix used to synthesize the green colouring will chemically react with the synthehol in such a way as to not only reverse it's non-intoxicating function, but to enhance it by a factor of fifteen. To put it plainly, Captain, the crew will be as drunk as skunks in an extremely short time. (If they're not already.)
By the way, it may interest you to know that I am unable to attend the party to ascertain the situation for myself. My mobile emitter has gone missing, and security appears to have done nothing to retrieve it since I reported the theft an hour ago.
The Doctor
**
To: Kathryn Janeway
From: Chakotay
Subject: More odd behaviour
Time sent: 1946 hrs
Kathryn,
And now for something even odder. Nicoletti called again, and this time I'm sure she said something about poisonous snakes on the loose. Should I send in a security team?
Chakotay
**
To: Chakotay
From: Kathryn
Subject: re More odd behaviour
Time sent: 1950 hrs
Attachment: Fwd: Urgent medical warning
Chakotay,
Oh lord. Snakes. Do you know anything about the legend of St. Patrick? I have an awful feeling Neelix has got the wrong end of the stick. I'll send Tuvok in to have a look. After Neelix's little surprise, I don't think I can handle Tom's. Maybe we should make a preemptive strike and lock him up now. Will you back me up on that one?
The crew are probably intoxicated. See the doctor's message I forwarded for details, while I sort out this mess.
Kathryn
**
To: The Doctor
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: re Urgent medical warning
Time sent: 1951 hrs
Doctor,
I think we have a bigger problem than wildly intoxicated crewmembers. I want you to have some anti-venom serum standing by. A large supply, if possible. Make sure you have some capable of treating Vulcans please. Tuvok is on his way to see you.
I'm sorry about the emitter. I'll have someone look into it as soon as this crisis is out of the way.
Janeway
**
To: Chakotay
From: B'Elanna Torres
Subject: Broken replicator
Time sent: 1957 hrs
Chakotay,
You're not going to believe the stupidity of what I'm about to tell you. Alright, maybe you will. Remember when I called before to complain about Neelix shorting out the mess hall replicator? Well, I've managed to put the file back together and see what he had ordered.
Are you familiar with the Brown Snake? Its native to Australia and it's as deadly as they come. And Neelix has 14 of them in a crate somewhere on the ship.
Now don't panic, but given the holo-program he asked me to help create earlier, I think he's going to set them loose at the party and get a holographic St. Patrick to round them up. Has this man never heard of symbolism??
B'Elanna
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Chakotay
Subject: Broken replicator
Time sent: 2002 hrs
B'Elanna,
I'm way ahead of you. They're not in the crate anymore. Don't worry, the Captain has taken steps (rather careful ones, actually, because we just found a snake in the turbolift.) And yes, I do believe the stupidity. I was there on Valentine's Day, remember?
Besides, would you rather Neelix had St Pat round up the pagans on the ship instead? That might put you and me in a tricky spot.
The Captain and I are heading off to the party now, so I'll give you a full eye witness report later on. Sure you won't join us? I've heard you look good in green.
Chakotay
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: Urgent
Time sent: 2005 hrs
B'Elanna,
I'm trusting you had nothing to do with your husband's brilliant idea to serenade myself and the Commander via his charming holo-creation. Unfortunately that's the least of our worries right now. (I know it's none of my business, B'Elanna, but if this is Tom's idea of romance, and I was you, I'd be seriously worried.)
I need you to alter the environmental controls right away on the two decks above and below the holodeck. Lower the temperature as much as you can without freezing our non-reptilian crewmembers. With any luck all of Neelix's little friends will fall asleep, and we can beam them out of their hidey-holes. If I find one anywhere near my favourite chair, heads will roll.
Janeway
**
To: Voyager Crew
From: Captain Janeway
Subject: Recent crew behaviour
Time sent: 0905 hrs
CC: Tom Paris, Neelix, Jack Murphy, c/o Brig
Dear Crew,
I would like to announce that as of this moment, I am suspending the celebration of all Earth holidays until further notice - regardless of how ancient and venerated these traditions are.
Please be advised that the replicators shall *not* be used to create livestock of any shape or form. Brewing of any substance not covered in the list of "safe substances" the Doctor is compiling is prohibited forthwith.
Furthermore, any autonomous holo-programs likely to run amok must be vetted by both myself and the Chief Engineer. Theft of the doctor's emitter *is* a criminal offense, regardless of how amusing you may find the results.
In short, people, if in doubt - don't.
Captain Janeway
**
To: B'Elanna Torres
From: Kathryn Janeway
Subject: Leprechauns
Time sent: 0907 hrs
B'Elanna,
Please let me know as soon as you've managed to disable Tom's "leaping leprechaun" holo-program. The doctor is extremely anxious to get his mobile emitter back.
I'd like my sanity back too, and I doubt that's going to happen while I'm being forced to listen to endless jolly recitations of "Danny Boy" while we try and pry him loose from the bridge ceiling.
Thankyou,
Your decidedly un-jolly Captain
**
the end
**
this story was written for the Ros a Gael Contest. Check out the other entries - especially the winner "Getting the Irish Up" by Jinny R. Laughter guaranteed :-)
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