Suspicions

By janezy. Send Feedback to janezy@yahoo.com

Rated: NC-17

Written: November 2001 - January 2002

VOY -- J/C

There's not a lot of J/C in _The Killing Game_, but there should be. Well, I think there should be J/C in every episode, so I may be biased. Anyway, here's an addition to an AU _The Killing Game_, with some _Vis a Vis_ thrown in for good measure.

Commander Chakotay hazarded a glance across the console to his commanding officer. The captain was wrestling with a tough decision; he could tell. She hadn't looked at him for more than a brief second in over a week. That wasn't hard to believe. They'd both been so busy. But all of the Hirogen were gone now, and repairs were slowly progressing to the ship. And still she wouldn't meet his eyes.

He had his suspicions. She was angry with him. Hell, he was angry with himself. He thought back to the moment when he had woken up sprawled on the floor of the corridor on Deck 5 with a splitting headache. As he awoke, he slowly did a mental inventory. His head hurt. The floor was hard against his chest. There was the muted sound of gunfire, maybe from the deck below. He reeked of sex.

The last was the most surprising, and disappointing. The last thing he remembered, Voyager was being boarded by the Hirogen, and now here he was, laid out like a rag doll. And he had betrayed Kathryn. Again. It seemed to him that he was forever having sex without his knowledge or consent. Okay, this was just the second time. But he could sense a pattern developing.

Just as Kathryn had known about Riley Frazier, she must know about this. And just as things had been awkward after Riley, they were awkward now. He wondered whom he'd screwed. It could have been anybody. He knew Kathryn had woken up hours before he had. She probably saw him with the mystery lady. He hoped for his sake that it was a hologram. She might forgive his transgression more quickly that way. Then again, maybe not.

He looked at the way she shifted uncomfortably in her chair, until she finally gave up and went to her ready room, relinquishing the bridge to him.

How long should I wait before I follow her in there, Chakotay wondered. An hour? Or should I give her another day?

~*~

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat at the desk in her ready room, drinking chamomile tea and trying to will her stomach to stop doing flip-flops. This went far beyond the usual queasiness she experienced whenever she was guilt-ridden. She wondered why she would feel so sick.

She had her suspicions. She was disgusted with herself and this disgust took on the physical manifestation of nausea. She was getting off easy, as far as she was concerned. After what she had done, she deserved much worse. A deadly illness, perhaps. Or maybe she could be strung upside-down by her ankles.

The thought of dangling upside-down, the blood rushing to her head, forced her stomach to move a little more violently. She barely made it to her private bathroom before spilling out the meager contents of her stomach.

She wondered if she could stomach the inevitable lecture from the doctor. But as she sat with her head suspended over the toilet and dry-heaved one more time, she decided she wouldn't be able to stomach not visiting him.

~*~

Chakotay stared at Kathryn as she practically flew out of her ready room and mumbled some lame excuse about sickbay on her way to the turbolift. Things were worse than he thought. She couldn't even look at him for three seconds to get a proper bridge report before running away.

This wasn't like her. Usually when she was upset with him, she retreated further into their formal, Starfleet roles. She would try to glare the life from him and call him "Commander" with a force and coldness known to cause spontaneous combustion in lower species. She would revel in her role as his superior, proving yet again that no matter how much she talked about accepting him as an equal when they were getting along, she always thought she was better than he was. She thought she was smarter. She thought she had exceptional judgement.

Chakotay couldn't help but chuckle a little sardonically to himself at the irony. All the other times they disagreed, he felt she would have strangled an apology from him if she could. And this time, when he was sure he was wrong and would do anything to make it up to her, she wouldn't stick around for five minutes to hear it.

~*~

Kathryn managed to make it to sickbay without stopping to heave in the corridor only through sheer strength of will. She called for the Doctor's activation and made her way to the nearest biobed.

The Doctor shimmered into existence with his usual all-business greeting, but stopped short at the sight of his patient's waxy pallor. "Captain," he exclaimed, rushing to her side.

Kathryn put up her hand to hold him off a little. "No quick movements, please," she said, gagging a little on her own words.

The Doctor pulled out his tricorder and began scanning her. "I see you're experiencing nausea. Any other symptoms?"

She shook her head, unable to reply verbally. It was taking all her concentration to keep her stomach on the inside of her body.

The doctor made a few quick adjustments to a hypospray. Seconds after it hissed into her neck, the waves began to abate. Kathryn smiled weakly and rubbed her neck. "Thank you, Doctor."

The Doctor had taken his tricorder out and resumed scanning her. "When did this start?" he asked.

"I haven't felt all that well since the Hirogen left," she admitted, "but it got considerably worse this morning."

"Since the Hirogen left?" he repeated, exasperated. "Captain, that was six days ago. Why haven't you been in before now?"

"As I said, it didn't get bad until this morning."

"Well, you shouldn't wait until a condition requires emergency attention before you come in." His eyes suddenly widened. "Excuse me, Captain. I'll be right back." He walked quickly to his office. She could see him checking something on his computer.

"That's alright, Doctor," Kathryn called out. "I'm feeling much better. I think I'll just go now." She was already ashamed at herself for taking up the Doctor's time with what was surely a psychosomatic reaction to a guilty conscience.

"Oh no you don't," said the Doctor, moving back into the main room. He placed his tricorder on the diagnostic station and ordered the computer to check its calibration. Kathryn looked at him curiously. "Just double-checking something," he assured her. "It won't be a moment."

"Level Two diagnostic complete," voiced the computer. "Equipment functioning within normal parameters."

Kathryn made another move to get up. "Doctor, really, I'm fine. I have a lot of work to do on the bridge and --"

The Doctor placed a firm hand on her arm and interrupted her attempt to escape. "I just wanted to make sure before I said anything."

"Said anything about what?"

"Captain, do you remember canceling an appointment with me about a week before the Hirogen took over the ship?" asked the Doctor gently.

"Yes," she said hesitantly. What concerned her the most was the Doctor's obvious compassion. Usually he was quite smug when reminding her about missed appointments.

"And do you recall the reason for that appointment?" His eyes penetrated hers, seeming to beg her to follow his train of thought so he wouldn't have to do it himself.

"Not exactly," she said. "Just some yearly exam, wasn't it?"

"That's correct. Your yearly physical, at which time you would have received your bi-annual birth-control booster."

She looked a little confused. "Doctor, I fail to see how --"

"-- Captain, you're pregnant."

"What?!" she burst out.

"You're pregnant," he repeated.

"There must be some mistake," she said vehemently. It couldn't be true.

"Captain, I assure, there's no mistake," he said softly. "Now, if you'll just lay back so I can perform a more complete scan, I should be able to determine if the father is Hirogen or not." He pushed her to lie on the bed and closed the arms over her. "They promised me they wouldn't violate the crew members sexually," he continued sarcastically, "but you know how well they kept their promises."

As Kathryn lay on the biobed, her eyes focused beyond the ceiling above her, she almost wished that the father *were* Hirogen.

"Well," said the doctor, a trace of smugness in his voice, "we can safely say the father is human. There are no genetic markers for another species. Now I just want to determine the exact time of conception," he said, punching buttons as he spoke.

Although the scan was in no way painful, Kathryn still flinched at his words. "What difference does time make, Doctor?"

"It's standard procedure, Captain. Just to determine your due date."

She was left with no logical protests to make. "Hmm," he said. "Curious." He released the arms on the biobed and allowed Kathryn to sit up.

"What?"

"According to this, the time of conception was ten hours *after* your neural interface was deactivated." He looked at Kathryn meaningfully. She closely studied the wall behind his head. "So, it would appear you already have an idea who the father is." She did not respond. "Captain." She looked at him. "I can run the DNA against the likely candidates and find out for myself, but you'll save me some time if you just tell me now."

"Commander Chakotay," she said softly.

"I see," he said, a little disappointed with her answer. He genuinely admired the commander, and that would make this next part all the more difficult. "I'll need to call Commander Tuvok to inform him of the infraction."

That comment finally put a spark in Kathryn. She hit the Doctor's hand away as it moved to his communicator.

"There is no need to involve Tuvok," she said quickly.

"On the contrary," the Doctor said, moving a soothing hand over her arm, "you were violated. I know the commander wasn't himself at the time, but memory loss is no excuse for rape. Starfleet policy states that Tuvok, as Voyager's chief of security, has to assess the potential danger to the crew. And, of course, the commander will need to be informed and reprimanded, although if I know Chakotay, he'll be much harder on himself than Tuvok could ever be."

Kathryn stared at the floor while the Doctor spoke, but looked up at the mention of the punishment Chakotay was likely to inflict on himself. She knew he was right. Chakotay would take self-recrimination to the extreme. She couldn't let that happen.

"You will not inform Tuvok, Doctor. I won't allow it."

"Captain," said the Doctor, a bit surprised at her defensiveness, "I understand that Chakotay is your friend and you don't want to cause him trouble, but --"

"-- Doctor, stop," she said, putting up a hand to hold off the likely diatribe that was about to begin. "I was not . . . violated, as you put it. I was a willing participant."

"I see. You were a willing participant," said the Doctor snidely. "Well, at least one of you was."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Kathryn. She was very confused by the Doctor's sudden change in attitude.

"The commander was under mind control. You took advantage of him. Clearly there was an infraction, although I incorrectly assumed the nature of it at first. It would appear that *you* are the one who will need to be reprimanded. And I must still inform Mr. Tuvok."

For the second time, Kathryn slapped away his hand as it approached his communicator. "Doctor!"

"Yes, Captain?" he said, derisiveness flooding his tones.

"I told you not to say anything to Tuvok and I meant it."

"I'm afraid that I outrank you in this instance. You have perpetrated a crime and it is not for you to decide your punishment. It is for Tuvok, and for your victim, Commander Chakotay."

She cringed visibly at that. She knew she was in the wrong, but this was taking things too far. Victim? That seemed so harsh. "Just let me talk to Chakotay. If he feels he has been . . . victimized, he can inform Tuvok. It really should be his decision."

The Doctor looked torn momentarily. "Very well. You have two hours --"

"-- Two hours?!" broke in Kathryn. "That's not nearly enough time."

"Two hours," he repeated firmly, "after which I will call Commander Chakotay into sickbay. I must determine that you have told him the whole story and not intimidated him in any way. If, after that, he chooses not to press charges, I will keep your horrid little secret."

Kathryn couldn't help but be surprised at the Doctor's loyalty to Chakotay. He was usually one of her more ardent supporters. But part of her, the larger part to be sure, felt he was right. She had violated Chakotay. How she could make it up to him now, could make him understand, she didn't know. But she had to try. She nodded and left sickbay to prepare how she would tell Chakotay.

~*~

Kathryn chose the ready room for their encounter. She wasn't sure how it was going to go, but she was pretty sure anger would be involved. At least in the ready room, with Tuvok and the others fifty feet away, he'd be subdued. She hoped.

She knew he'd be in any moment with the end-of-shift briefing. She was feeling queasy again, but she knew it wasn't the morning sickness. This was something else entirely. This was something she hadn't felt since Justin. Justin had an edge to him that lent a certain unpredictability to every serious conversation. She hated unpredictability.

Bwee-op, the ready room door chimed.

"Come," she ordered, and tried to school her features as she watched Chakotay walk into the room. But she couldn't meet his gaze for more than a moment and jumped up to make a trip to the replicator. "Can I get you anything?" she asked, not turning to look at him.

"No, thank you."

She stared into the replicator, wishing desperately for some dire emergency to pull them onto the bridge. No disaster being forthcoming, she placed her order. "Herbal tea, blend 14."

She took the mug as it appeared and returned to sit at her desk. Chakotay remained standing in his 'at ease' posture, one hand holding a padd with his report. He allowed himself a brief smile. "No coffee? Surely you can't have reached your quota already," he joked a little hesitantly.

"I'm trying to limit my caffeine intake," she replied evasively. She still wouldn't look at him, instead closely examining the padd he handed her as he sat.

"Since when?"

"Since my visit to the Doctor this afternoon."

"He's been telling you for years to cut back. He'll be glad to hear you're finally following his advice." Chakotay was overjoyed at this brief exchange, this small amount of joking. This was progress.

"Yes, well." Now was as good a time as any. "I'm pregnant."

The smile that had flickered over Chakotay's face moments before was still there. To be more precise, it was stuck there. There were literally no thoughts in his head at all. And then there were too many thoughts all at once. Too much to process. He finally managed to get the first coherent one out in question form. "From the occupation?"

She nodded.

His brows furrowed. "One of the Hirogen?"

She shook her head.

"One of the crew, then?"

She nodded.

"How do you know for sure? I mean, you have no memory of that time. It could have been anyone."

"The doctor ran some tests to be sure, but I had my suspicions."

"So, you know who the father is?"

She nodded.

"Damn it, Kathryn. I'm not in any mood to play twenty questions. Will you just tell me?" He had some suspicions of his own, but he needed to hear it from her.

"You."

"Me."

"You." That was the easy part. She was gearing up for the difficult part of the conversation, but he interrupted her train of thought with a question that she hadn't considered.

"Are you going to keep it?"

A momentary look of confusion flitted across her features. She honestly hadn't considered, even for a moment, any other option. Her only concern, from the moment she found out she was pregnant, was how she was going to tell Chakotay. The Doctor had forced her into making the confession sooner, rather than later, meaning that the how was all she'd had time to think about. Now that she had two seconds to consider Chakotay's question, she knew in her heart that the answer was obvious.

"Of course. I could never . . .," she hesitated, not knowing how to finish the sentence. She tried a different way. "It belongs to us."

Chakotay nodded, relieved. He sat in silence for a moment, as the wheels started turning in his brain. So, Kathryn was the one he'd had sex with. No wonder she couldn't look at him. But, wait. Kathryn couldn't look at him. That meant that she'd been aware that they'd had sex -- before the Doctor told her she was pregnant. They must have done it after her neural interface was deactivated. But, wait again. If her interface was deactivated, she knew what she was doing. If she knew what she was doing, she would never have sex with him willingly. And if she weren't willing, he must have forced her.

Chakotay gasped suddenly with the weight of the understanding. His eyes portrayed the pain he felt. "No," he said, shaking his head vigorously. "Kathryn, I'm so sorry. I can't believe that I did that." He stood and began pacing furiously. "I'm such an idiot. How can you stand to even be in the same room with me?"

Kathryn couldn't believe it. For the second time in less than an hour, someone had jumped to entirely the wrong conclusion. She supposed she couldn't blame them, given the nun she'd portrayed herself as up until now. But, this would be so much easier if Chakotay didn't instantly think the worst of himself.

"You don't understand," she said.

"What's not to understand? I forced myself on you."

"No," she said. Chakotay's pacing was unnerving her. "Would you sit down!" she exclaimed, more harshly than she'd intended. "Please." Chakotay sat, but the chair couldn't contain his fidgeting. "You didn't force me to do anything."

That comment finally stilled Chakotay's movements, as confusion washed over his face. "What?"

"I wanted to do it." Kathryn thought now was the time for brutal honesty, a luxury she hadn't allowed herself in a long time. "I've wanted to for years."

Chakotay was still confused. She admitted she wanted him and had for years, but if that were the case, why now? "Of course," he gave voice to his realization. "You were never going to tell me, were you? If you weren't pregnant, we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

Kathryn bowed her head to avoid his intense gaze. That was certainly the most brutal of honesties.

"Kathryn!" he said sharply, implicitly demanding an answer to his question.

"No, I wasn't going to tell you."

He stared at her, mouth agape. He simply was not prepared for this turn of events when he had walked in to her office for what he thought was a routine meeting.

"I thought," she said, "that it would be a moment apart from time. A moment that would be only mine. I could set it aside and take it out when things got particularly . . . burdensome. I needed that moment, so much."

"So you used me."

"It wasn't like that," she protested. He rose to restart his angry pacing.

"Then what was it like?" She did not know how to respond, so he continued. "That moment didn't belong to just you. It belonged to us."

"Please." She appealed to him with her eyes. Don't make me do this. I'm too embarrassed. It's too personal. His look did not waver. He moved behind her desk and stood over her chair.

"Tell me, Kathryn," he said softly, the fire in his eyes unmistakable.

She tried to shrink into her chair, but he put his hands on the armrests and brought his face even close to hers.

"Tell me."

"I don't know what to say," she said.

"You don't know what to say," he repeated. Her eyes glared back at him, defiant despite her current position hunkered down in her chair. He released his hold on her chair and paced away, letting his hands rub the short hair on his head. "Four years I've waited. Four years I've dreamt of what our first time would be like. What I would say. What I would do." He turned back to look at her. "And you've stolen that experience from me. I want it back. Tell me."

The seconds of silence stretched into minutes. Chakotay had said all he was going to. Kathryn had no intention of telling him anything. She could wait him out forever if she had to.

What she didn't count on was that look in his eyes. That look of utter disappointment that he let escape for just a flash, right before he turned and started for the door. What she didn't count on was that feeling in pit of her stomach. That feeling that told her that if he walked out that door, he wasn't coming back. That feeling that told her she couldn't let him walk out that door.

"We were in the caves," she said quickly. He stopped in his tracks, but did not turn around. "We were in the caves," she repeated softly. He turned and looked at her expectantly. She gestured him back into his chair. There was no way she could do this with him looming over her. In fact, she couldn't do this with him looking at her at all. She closed her eyes, and continued in a soft, even voice.

"We crawled out of the WWII simulation through the Jeffries tubes and came out in Holodeck 2, which was running a Klingon simulation. You convinced me to rest before we attempted our takeover of sickbay. We went into the caves to sleep. Sometime during the night, we woke up and made love. Then we left."

Silence. Finally, she cracked open an eye to see if he was still breathing. Not only was he breathing, he was glaring at her. The 'death glare' if she wasn't mistaken. She had taught him that glare.

"You're going to have to do better than that," he said, without a trace of humor.

"Excuse me?"

"Most of that came directly out of your report. And you glossed over the most important part." He leaned in to the desk. "I want details."

"Details," she said, her voice cracking slightly.

He nodded.

"About the most important part."

He took some pity on her. The look on her face seemed to say that whatever was in her stomach better enjoy the place now, because it would soon be making an unexpected return trip. His eyes softened a little. "I want to hear what's not in the report. You may start wherever you like."

She nodded and took a deep breath as he settled back into his chair in front of her desk. She focused on a point on the wall behind him and began her story.

"When I was first returned to awareness, I was with Seven in Nazi headquarters," she said, opting to start at the beginning. That way, she could put off the end for as long as possible. "We barely made it out of there before it was blown to pieces. We used the Jeffries tubes to make our way back to Katrine's bar. When I came out of the hatch, the first thing I saw was you pointing a gun at me.

"That in and of itself was unsettling. It was far worse to look into your eyes and see no recognition at all. Seven had informed me that only the two of us were aware of our true selves, but I still wasn't really prepared. Of course, you having no idea who I was didn't prevent us from getting into a disagreement right away. Some things never change, I guess.

"I wanted to go to sickbay by myself, but you refused to let me. Always looking out for me. I relented and we went back into the tubes together.

"In some ways, I didn't want to talk to you at all. It would just emphasize the fact that your mind was not your own. You were pretty talkative, though, and you drew me in. You called me a 'gung-ho kind of a gal,' and I thought that we could have a conversation as strangers and it would amuse me. And then you started talking about the men under your command, how you'd do anything to keep them safe. You sounded just like yourself, and I was confused. You looked like yourself, thought like yourself, and yet you weren't you. But, the essence of you was there, like your spirit could not be changed or subdued.

"We entered Holodeck 2, which was running a Klingon battle simulation, so I could contact the Doctor and figure out how to deactivate those neural interfaces. I decided to blow up the sickbay console maintaining them. I wanted to leave right away, but you thought we should rest a little first. With that you started to seem even more like you, nearly ordering me to eat and sleep. You took my arm and maneuvered us into one of the caves.

"'I can't sleep here,' I protested. 'The ground's too hard and it's much too cold.'"

"You were not swayed. You sat on the ground and removed your jacket. 'Sit,' you ordered, in a tone that brooked no compromise. I knew you were probably right. I'd been up for almost two days straight. If I continued to try to run off adrenaline alone, I was bound to make some stupid mistakes during the mission.

"I relented and sat down next to you. You put your arm firmly around my waist and pulled us both to a laying position. You blanketed both of us in your jacket and drew me close to your chest, 'For warmth,' you said, although I could feel you breathing in deeply the scent of my hair. I settled my head on your arm and listened to your even breathing.

"I tried to sleep, but my mind wouldn't stop going. I hadn't slept in a man's arms for years. I thought about Mark. He's been in my thoughts a lot lately, ever since I got that damn letter. It’s not rational, I know. I thought I had already grieved for him and put it all behind me, but that letter brought everything back. Part of me really did want him to move on and be happy, but another part of me hated him for it. He couldn't really love me as he said if he could forget me so easily, if he could forget me at all.

"And then I started to realize that I'm no better than he is, really. As much as I professed to love him, I never felt for him what I feel for you. Feeling your arms around me brought me great joy, and at the same time, great distress. As good as it felt, I knew that your interface would soon be deactivated and I would be alone again."

"I drew in a shaky breath. You must have not been asleep because you heard me. 'What's wrong?' you asked tightening your hold on me. I knew I could be completely honest with you because you would never remember. It was very freeing, in a way.

"'I'm just thinking of the man I love,' I said."

Chakotay gasped audibly. Kathryn had been so absorbed in her story that she had almost forgotten that he was in the room with her. He had been careful not to shift or made any sounds this entire time. But her confession now had surprised them both.

She looked into his eyes to complete the narrative. He could sense a sadness in her he had seen only a few times before, most recently when they had disagreed over the Borg and she had told him that meant she was alone, after all.

Kathryn continued. "'Where is he?' you asked."

"I told you he was also part of the Resistance, but because of our positions, we were not able to be together. Your hand stroked my stomach as I spoke, to comfort me. I was just so tired of thinking all of the time. I wanted to feel. I took your hand and moved it to my breast.

"'Katrine,' you protested. I turned to face you and cupped your cheek.

"'It's been such a long time,' I said. 'I need this. Will you help me?'

"You nodded and moved your head to kiss me. There was an energy there. I'd always suspected that our first kiss would be electric. You felt it too, as your tongue flicked my lips, begging for an entrance I readily granted. Your hands went down to cup my buttocks and I put my leg up over your hip, drawing you closer. Part of me knew this was wrong, but a much bigger and louder part was too excited to stop now.

"You were rocking against me, pressing your erection against my stomach. I started unbuttoning your pants. You kissed my neck. 'Oh, Katrine,' you mumbled. I drew your face up so I could look you in the eyes. 'I want you to call me "Kathryn,"' I said. A look of confusion crossed your features, so I continued. 'He calls me "Kathryn."' You got a sad look in your eyes, as if it pained you to know you were only being used as a substitute. It hurt me too, but I knew what you didn't -- that you were standing in for yourself.

"You called me 'Kathryn' and the vibrations of you saying my name against my neck caused a flood of moisture in my panties. You said it over and over as you licked my ear and bit gently on my lobe. I started moaning.

"You rolled me onto my back and opened my shirt, running your fingertips lightly over my nipples. You unhooked my bra and pushed it up, allowing your mouth access to my breasts directly. After some fumbling, you found the side zipper on my pants and eased them and my panties down over my hips. You entered me. I was so close to the edge that I orgasmed immediately.

"To feel you inside me, as I'd yearned for years, was bittersweet. Even in the midst of passion, I was aware of how this was a one-time occurrence and it saddened me. I must have been a little unbalanced by all this emotion because I started crying. I'm usually much more controlled, but I couldn't seem to help myself.

"You stopped moving in me to look into my eyes and wipe the tears from my cheeks. I pleaded with you not to stop, so you started moving again, more slowly this time and keeping eye contact the whole time. The guilt I was already feeling at using you in this way was becoming overwhelming. I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at you, but I couldn't stop my sobs.

"You seemed desperate to get me back into the moment. You suckled on my breasts and pressed your fingers above our joining. I was soon screaming again and the next thing I knew, it was over. You were still in me, but I could feel our mixed fluids seeping through me to be absorbed into the ground. You were asleep and I was also exhausted, so I allowed sleep to overtake me with you still embedded in me.

"When I woke the next morning, you were standing by the cave entrance, staring at nothing. I dressed and moved behind you, putting my hand on your arm.

"'I hope he loves you as much as you love him, this Chakotay of yours,' you said.

"'How do you know his name?' I asked.

"'You called it out last night, several times,' you said. Your tone was so sad and bitter. I knew that bitterness was misplaced, but you didn't. There wasn't really anything I could say to change how you felt, though. I moved in front of you so I could look in your eyes.

"'He does,' I said. 'He loves me very much.'

"'Then he must be a fool,' you said. When I protested, you continued, your hand cupping my face. 'If someone as beautiful as you were in love with me, I'd do anything to be with you.'

"I didn't know what to say to that. Eventually I just said that we had to get going.

"As you already know from the reports, we went back into the tubes to set the explosives under sickbay. I realized that the console was surrounded by a force field we'd need to deactivate. We went into sickbay and you held off the Hirogen doctor while I worked on the force field. Just as I was finishing up, a few more Hirogen showed up and I got shot in the leg.

"You cried out my name and ran to me. I had too many endorphins running through my system to feel any pain yet, so I tried to wave you off.

"You said, 'I'm not leaving you,' and you started to lift me up.

"'I'm fine,' I said, 'but we have to get out of here before that bomb goes off.' As you were carrying me out into the hallway, the explosion blew half of sickbay away, and sent you crashing into the wall. You were unconscious, but apparently okay otherwise. I desperately needed to get back to the holodeck. As much as I hated to leave you, I knew I had to do it. I bent down to place one last kiss on your lips before I left.

"I was captured shortly after that, and I think you know the rest."

Chakotay nodded silently. He was stunned. There was a lot to process here. But, Kathryn had certainly given him everything he'd asked for, and more. He had given up trying to hide the erection that sprang to life when her husky voice started reciting the finer points of their sexual encounter.

"Well?" Kathryn asked. She was worried about his reaction. Was he angry? If so, would he get over it?

"That was certainly . . . detailed," he said, clearing his throat.

"That's what you said you wanted," she said accusingly.

"It is. It's just a lot to take in all at once. I need some time to think."

He rose, making the bulge in his pants even more visible. Kathryn couldn't help but stare. She was disappointed that having sex with him once, rather than satisfying her urges for a while, brought them to the forefront. Her body was practically screaming for him.

She tried to set her desire aside. "The Doctor will be contacting you soon," she said.

His forehead creased in confusion. "Why?"

"When he found out I was pregnant, and by whom, he said he was going to have me brought up on charges for 'violating' you. I got him to agree to let me talk to you first and let you decide if you wanted to press charges."

"So this is all because of the Doctor?" he said, anger once again coloring his tone.

Kathryn tried to placate him. "I'm telling you everything because of the Doctor, yes. But, I've been completely honest with you. Does it matter what the reason is?" She paused to gage his reaction. He seemed to be mulling that over. "Do you feel violated?" she continued.

"Frankly, yes." She looked scared for a moment. "But, I couldn't put the mother of my child in the brig." He smiled slightly as he thought that he would have been more than willing to put Seska in the brig, even when he thought her child was his.

The parallels to Seska were disturbing. Seska had stolen his genetic material from him. She had used him. Essentially, so had Kathryn. The difference, he decided, was that Seska took something he would have never given willingly. Kathryn, on the other had, took something he'd been offering for years, something he'd give her right now if she would accept it.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Chakotay spoke. "I'll go see the Doctor now, I guess," he said, turning to leave the room.

"Chakotay, wait," Kathryn blurted out and put a hand on his arm. He turned to her. "I truly am sorry."

"I know," he said, turning to leave again. He had so many things he wanted to say to that. He wasn't sorry. How could he be? The woman he loved was carrying his child. Granted, these were not ideal circumstances. But he knew they could work it out, if Kathryn let them. That was the problem. Would Kathryn let this change anything, or would she become even more obsessed with the idea that their relationship was wrong? Only time would tell, and he thought that pushing her now was unwise. "I'll see you later."

Then the room was empty, and Kathryn's heart was empty, and she wondered if it would ever be full again.

~*~

Chakotay entered sickbay and, once determining it was empty, called for a privacy lock and activated the Doctor.

"Ah, Commander," said the Doctor, "how are you feeling?" The Doctor thought Chakotay looked more tired and drained than he could remember seeing him.

"I've had better days, thanks."

"I'm assuming you're here because of the captain?" said the EMH, looking a bit haughty.

"Doctor," said Chakotay in a warning tone. "She's told me everything and I've decided not to press charges. I don't want you to put this in your logs. I don't want you to speak with Tuvok. I don't want you to tell *anyone*. If I hear rumors about this floating through the hallways, you're the one I'm going to blame."

"Me?" said the Doctor defensively. "You know how the rumor mill works on this ship and I hardly think I -- "

"I don't think anyone would come up with this particular rumor on their own," Chakotay cut in. "Do you?"

"No," he agreed. "Probably not. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. I do honor doctor/patient confidentiality after all."

"And," said Chakotay meaningfully, "I don't want the crew to sense any change in your feelings or actions toward the captain."

The EMH blanched at that. He wasn't sure if he could control that. He'd lost a lot of respect for the captain in the last few hours. But, she was only human. He would try to find it in his programming to forgive her. He nodded and Chakotay turned to leave.

"Commander, I'll be available if you ever need to talk."

Chakotay thought that was one of the strangest things he'd ever heard. He'd never thought of the Doctor as someone to come to for advice. Kathryn, B'Elanna, even Tom Paris if he was desperate. But not the Doctor. "Thank you, Doctor," he said, and left.

~*~

After a few weeks, everything returned pretty much to normal. At least what passed for normal in the Delta Quadrant.

Chakotay prayed to his ancestors every night for patience and managed to restrain himself from badgering Kathryn for answers to the questions he hadn't gotten up the nerve to ask yet. Above all, he wanted to prevent pushing her into a position where she felt she had to strike out.

For her part, Kathryn was doing her best to pretend that there were no questions to be asked or answered. Nothing had changed. Denial was a beautiful thing.

Body-snatching aliens aside, she probably could have gotten away with the denial for a bit longer.

When Steth, a friendly alien -- a rarity in those parts -- showed up on Voyager's doorstep with a new coaxial warp drive with potential, everyone thought it was a good thing. Tom, who'd been brooding a little more than usual lately, got a chance to work on something new and exciting.

Then Steth was gone and, inexplicably, Tom was doing more than brooding. He was outright insubordinate. He was violent. He was . . . not Tom, more than anyone knew.

Kathryn thought she'd been through the worst of it when Seven came to her to inform her that she'd caught Tom reading Kathryn's personal logs. Because of Seven's eidetic memory, she was able to quote verbatim over a paragraph from the log. Kathryn was grateful that Seven managed to catch a paragraph without any references to Chakotay or the baby.

Chakotay thought he'd been through the worst of it when Kathryn's voice came over the comlink requesting security in her ready room and he ran in to find Tom choking the life from her. Chakotay was grateful that they'd gotten Tom off her before any real damage could be done.

And suddenly everyone realized the worst was yet to come. Now it was Kathryn behaving oddly -- shooting Seven, stealing a shuttlecraft. It was all Chakotay could do to keep from yelling, "Bring my baby back here," at the top of his lungs. When the Steth-who-was-Tom offered to catch the Kathryn-who-was-Steth, a very confused Chakotay felt he had no choice but to agree.

Chakotay's real confusion set in about ten minutes later when the Doctor hailed him. The Tom-who-was-Kathryn was threatening to delete the Doctor's program if she -- or was it he -- didn't get some answers right away. Chakotay walked into sickbay to find an irate man with his hands on his hips, giving the 'Death Glare' to the Doctor. He'd seen Tom's impersonation of the captain before; it wasn't that good.

"Doctor," said Tom/Kathryn forcefully, "there had better be a way to fix this and I want you to find it. Now."

The Doctor, finally determining that he would know no peace until the captain was reunited with her body, excused himself to the back room to begin his research.

Chakotay couldn't recall being more off balance in his life. All it took was one look into Tom's eyes and Chakotay was sure that Kathryn was in there. But what was he to do with this information? He was certain only that he couldn't think with Tom/Kathryn pacing up and down the length of sickbay, angrily mumbling about DNA swapping.

"You know," she said, turning to him, "those damn friendly aliens are worse than the hostile ones. At least with the Kazon, we knew what we were getting into!"

As she turned to resume pacing, Chakotay caught her shoulder. "Kathryn, you've got to calm down. We've got to come up with a plan to get your body back." He looked into her eyes. "Our baby is in there."

"What?" she said, momentarily confused. "Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner. The baby is right here."

At the raise of his eyebrow, she continued. "Steth, or whoever the hell he is, managed to steal my DNA. But our daughter has a different DNA structure, so she stayed with me. The Doctor assured me she's safe, for now, in some sort of a membrane that was developed during the swap. If we end up like this longer than a couple of hours, though, we're going to have to come up with an alternative."

Chakotay tuned just about everything out after "stayed with me." "A daughter?" he questioned in wonder. "We're going to have a girl?" He tentatively reached out a hand to her stomach to claim that life as his own.

"Yes, a girl," she replied, her own hand coming to rest on his cheek.

Chakotay chuckled. "What?" Kathryn asked.

"You're just not seeing what I'm seeing."

"Which is?"

"My hand on Tom Paris' stomach. Tom's hand on my face," he said, taking the hand in his own and laying a kiss on the palm. "It's just a little surreal."

"Try being in Tom's body. It's even worse. What are we going to do?"

"I have to believe that Steth can put this all back to the way he found it."

"Yeah, if we can find him."

"Why is it," he asked, trying to distract her from the problem a bit, "that you have to wait until you're in Tom's body to share one of the most intimate discussions we've had in weeks?"

"Who knows? Why did I wait until you weren't in your body to share the most intimate moment we've ever had?"

Chakotay quickly turned away and Kathryn realized that it was probably still too soon to joke about that particular moment. "I'm sorry," she said.

Chakotay decided that, since she brought it up, now was the perfect time to discuss the future. "Kathryn, I -- "

Damn that Vulcan, thought Chakotay. The perfect time was now past. He tapped his combadge. "Chakotay here."

"Thank you. We'll be right there."

~*~

Steth was able to put everyone back in the right bodies, but somehow, that didn't come close to solving their problems.

Chakotay still didn't know where he stood with Kathryn. But, he decided, it was far past time to find out. With the way things were always going haywire in this quadrant, he wanted to be certain of at least one thing.

He went to Kathryn's quarters that night, to find her standing by the viewport, staring at the stars. Now that she was back in her own body and the anger at Steth had passed, she realized how close she had come to losing her life. Again.

She could sense Chakotay still hovering near the door of her quarters. "I came so close to losing her," she said.

"But you didn't," he said, moving closer. In some sick, twisted way, he was encouraged by her depression, if only because he felt himself the only one capable of drawing her out of it.

"But I could have," she insisted, still staring out the viewport. "This is a dangerous life I lead. What business do I have bringing another person into this world, only to suffer?"

He stepped even closer and drew her around to face him. "You keep saying 'I,' like you're the only one on this ship. What is this obsession you have with being alone? You're not the only one who leads a dangerous life. We all do. But that doesn't mean it's nothing but suffering. Is that all life is to you?"

"It's starting to seem that way. I have to work so hard every day, just to keep us going. I can't lose focus, or we'll go down. Look how easily Steth got himself unto this ship. And it's not like it's the first time. If I'm not careful, a lot of people could get hurt."

"'I, I, I.'" He mimicked her angrily. "Stop saying that. You don't have to do this by yourself. Let me help you."

"I got us stuck in this damn quadrant. It's my job to get us out. I can't put the responsibility on your shoulders."

He knew she was trying to ignore the issue of the baby by turning this into a debate about the command structure. But this, too, was a discussion he'd been wanting to have for a while. And really the two issues were inextricably joined, both parts of Kathryn's controlling nature.

"I don't get it," he said finally. I know you trust me."

"I do," she agreed.

"You trust me with your ship. You trust me with the lives of your crew. If you were incapacitated, you'd trust me to take that burden on myself. Why can't we share it now?"

Logical, she thought, but not practical. There was one major reason she felt she had to do this alone. She had to keep the lines drawn between them, both in her professional and personal lives, or she was certain she'd lose all sense of self. "A ship can only have one captain," she said without emotion.

Chakotay had more than enough emotion for both of them. "Damn it, Kathryn," he said, hitting his hand against the viewport. "Stop quoting trite sayings to me and tell me the truth. Why won't you let me in?"

"I can't," she insisted, shaking her head. "I just can't."

"Well, I can't accept that. And I'm not leaving until you tell me." As he spoke, he gave into his urge to take her into his arms. "A few weeks ago, you were able to bare your soul to me. You told me you were completely honest. Do it again."

"Let go of me," she said, struggling against him even as she knew it was useless. If he didn't want to let go, she couldn't make him.

"No, he said, holding fast to her.

Not long after, she gave up her struggles and allowed herself to be fully embraced by him. It made her feel safe and protected. She knew she couldn't let it continue, but neither could she bring herself to stop it. "I'll disappear," she said finally.

"What?" he questioned.

"I'll disappear," she repeated. "If I let myself be with you, I'll disappear.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, still confused.

"I'll become Chakotay's lover. Chakotay's wife. The mother of Chakotay's children. And the captain will disappear."

He felt a secret thrill at hearing her call herself his wife. This confession was something he had never suspected. "You're the strongest woman I've ever known," he said with admiration. "That would never happen."

"Oh, you have no idea," she said in disagreement. "I appear strong. But my greatest strength has been avoiding you. And I don't understand it. I've never had this problem before. I've been in love, but I never felt threatened by it. What is this power you have over me?"

"I have a power over you?" he asked in disbelief. "It certainly seems the other way around to me. There's nothing I want more than to be Kathryn's lover. Kathryn's husband. The father of Kathryn's children. But that doesn't prevent me from also being a good first officer. It won't be an easy road, but I can do it. And so can you." He leaned in so he could whisper in her ear. "Be my captain. Be my lover. Be all of those things."

Kathryn groaned, starting to forget all of her well-thought-out arguments for why that would never work. Chakotay decided to put all his cards on the table. It was now or never. "I love you," he whispered. "I'll be your strength and you can be mine."

Kathryn groaned again in response, turning her head to expose the long expanse of her neck to him. He took his cue and began kissing her neck, his arms relaxing his hold on her enough to drift downward and cup her bottom. She parted her thighs and he placed a leg between them, which she began writhing against.

It was all going so fast. Chakotay wanted some reassurances before they went too far. He broke off his kissing to look into her dilated eyes. She was so beautiful, he thought. She stared at him, panting.

"Tell me we can do this," he said. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you," she said. She couldn't believe how easily the words tripped off her tongue, almost as if they'd been waiting to be said for years.

"Tell me you'll be my wife."

"I'll be your wife," she agreed readily, surprised again at how easy it was to concede.

"Tell me you'll be my captain and you'll get me home. Get us all home."

"We'll get everyone home together," she said.

Chakotay thought this was all far too easy. They dance around each other for four years, and now everything changes after one conversation?

"Tell me you won't change your mind tomorrow."

"Have you ever known me to change my mind once I make it up?" She asked.

He shook his head. He couldn't believe it. This was real. "I love you," he said again.

"Then shut up and kiss me," she said, pulling his lips to hers.

As much as Chakotay had enjoyed hearing Kathryn tell him about their first time, this was much better. He could feel her and taste her and smell her. But, best of all, he'd be able to remember the experience. This, he decided, was truly their first time.

As much as Kathryn had enjoyed her first time with Chakotay, this was much better. She wouldn't feel guilt or unhappiness. She could revel in her desire, and in his. But, best of all, he'd be able to remember the experience. This, she decided, was truly their first time.

~*~

And so it was that she exerted her power over him and he exerted his power over her until both were powerless to stop the inevitable conclusion.

Of course, this was real life. Nothing is ever easy for long. There would be sadness. There would be accidents and accusations. There would be danger and suffering and anger.

But so would there be love, and hope, and beauty. And for a fleeting moment -- tossed in among all the other moments of life so that if you weren't paying attention, you could easily miss it -- there would be bliss.