And
now…some Deep Thoughts…by Jack Handy.
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Random Jack Handy quotes
“When
I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At
first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his
face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still
seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me
that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't
have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.”
“It
takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
“I saw
on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter
to the opposite
sex. What a coincidence!”
“Sometimes
I think I'd be better off dead...No, wait! Not me... you.”
“Once
when I was in
“If you
lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common
question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot farther?' No. I'm sorry.
That's as far as it shoots.”
“Whether
they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world
all want the same thing: a better house!”
“When I
think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of
a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those
wishes.”
“Playing
dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at
important business meetings.”
“To me,
it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'“
“If I
ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.”
“Whenever
you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking
to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.”
“I
believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.”
“I hope
some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain,
because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs
hatching.”
“If you
go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the
future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.”
“You
know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in
the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)”
“I
remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.”
“Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls
out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.”
“You
know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in
quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting
out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!”
“Children
need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky
guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.”
“Here's
a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take
out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might
have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will
want to meet the busy garbage guy.”
“How
come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more
feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.”
“Somebody
told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told
that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.”
“One
day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a
real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh.
Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he
would forget what he asked me.”
“Even though
he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a
brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he
punched me again.”
“If
your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and
rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away.
Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll
thank you.”
“If I
come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite,
because this is the part where I take it EASY!”
“I bet
the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't
want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody
comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'“
“Sometimes
I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't
know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the
way out, slam the door.”
“Anytime
I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the
guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that
thing?!”
“When
you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really
annoys me.”
“If
you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”
“If I
ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a
certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell the
reader we are going to have fun with this thing.”
“If you
ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there
some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to
another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.”
“What
is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.”
“I
think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires
and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.”
“If
you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips,
because you don't know where that glove has been.”
“I hope
that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of
money.'“
“If God
dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas,
because that's what He's getting!”
“If
your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed
some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some
tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.”
“If I
ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression
we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not
prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.”
“If
you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull
from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull
but just an old dried-out potato.”
“To me,
clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went
to the circus and a clown killed my dad.”
“Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around
shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!”
“I
guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to
go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.”
“Whenever
I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot,
where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect.
The only bad thing there are the flies. They're
terrible!”
“Whenever
someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin
around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?”
“Most
of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some
days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and
think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''“
“Marta
likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if
it bit her on the ass.”
“I can
picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture
us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.”
“If you
ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.”
“I
think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.”
“Instead
of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It
probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.”
“If
you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes
colors.”
“I
guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of
the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
someone kills someone for money, or something like
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he
paid for his stupid puppet.”
“There
are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager,
like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and
maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then
'skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.”
“When I was a child, there were times when we
had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on
the TV.”
“For
mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of
lemon to each jar, for freshness.”
“I wish
I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman
away.”
“Can't
the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and
problems they've caused?”
“I
scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
'That was fun,' I said. 'You bet it was,' said Nick. 'Let's climb
higher.' 'No,' I said. 'I think we should be heading back now.' 'We have time,'
Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth
like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided
to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.”
“Ambition
is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but
it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some
other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.”
“After
I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my
skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going?'“
“When
the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably,
they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said,
'Hey, good job.'“
“I
think a new, different kind of bowling should be 'carpet bowling.' It's just
like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know
why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!”
“A man
doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg
for it.”
“I hope
that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just
laugh at people.”
“It's
easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's
what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.”
“One
thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the
outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd
give it to you.”
“I
think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist
is our 'friend.'“
“Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how
about a pinecone? That way, he learns
that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests.”
“If you
go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
“It's
interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,
until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were
probably hit by cars.”
“I
remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of
smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out
to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground
were my parents having sex!”
“If you
ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these
simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine
all my shoes. There, isn't that better?”
“You
know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”
“Dad
always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of
us died of tuberculosis.”
“The
sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of
urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.”
“It's
probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the
president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit
the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.”
“Too
bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD
to be sprayed by one.”
“The
old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city
slicker who came through, trying to peddle 'hair restorer.' He took everyone's
money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer,
nobody had any money left to buy it!”
“You
know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care,
do you.”
“Some
folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the
next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.”
“When
this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me,
so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some
mayonnaise for me.”
“Despair
is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull
it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a
field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just
walk up to them and go, 'Hey, have you seen Fred?' And they'll say, 'Fred who?'
And you say, 'Fred of snakes?' Then cover your ears, because big laughs are
coming.”
“I bet
if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly
find yourself telling people would be, 'Be sure, before I start, you have all
the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later.'“
“The
face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
“If you
wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're
not going to hurt it.”
“Just
as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to
protect my nest of chocolate eggs.”
“If a
kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is
crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
'Probably because of something you did.'“
“If any
man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have
to say.”
“I bet
one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the
story of Popeye.”
“If you
go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means
you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about
proper hammer maintenance.”
“Here's
a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all
covered with leeches. Just say, 'Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?' (Because
leeches kind of look like big raisins.)”
“If you
see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying
to help: 'Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'“
“A good
way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into
your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster,
sound asleep.”
“Too
bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the
ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff
that comes flying out.”
“It
seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I
would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and
dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking
and cheeping. 'What?! What?!'
I would yell back, but he never did speak English.”
“There
should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey,' because every week you could
have a guy say 'I ain't gonna
get caught by no MONKEY,' but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get
tired of that.”
“Consider
the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through
your stuff.”
“I
think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is
raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an
eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put
in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like
an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to
attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.”
“Today
I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I
thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive
wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a
hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.”
“My new
millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'swollen' shoe, for when you get
bit by a rattlesnake.”
“I wish
everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave
us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I
get myself elected president.”
“Whenever
I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to
laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
“I
remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest
drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and
if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or
changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!”
“If
you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes
out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell
the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.”
“He was
a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman
out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later,
at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed,
and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting
for you in heaven---with a gun.'“
“I
think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many
loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean
lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.”
“I bet
a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an
eclipse and tell the cave men, 'If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be
blotted out from the sky.' Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the
rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”
“Worship
the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more
deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you
if you disobey it.”
“Sometimes
when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll
go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to
the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note
that says 'You.' After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.”
If
you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't
think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point
I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it.”
“I can
still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every
morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd
spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it
stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a
winner!' We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.”
“In
weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.”
“Do you
know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you.
I found this out the hard way.”
“I bet
a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you
still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!”
“When I
was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if
he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million
dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.”
“It's
interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes,
until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were
probably hit by cars.”
“I hope
I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.”
“It's
true that every time you head a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they
don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on
fire.”
“There
used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear
people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on
we found out it was just a murderer's house.”
“When
we would go for a drive in the family car, I used to love to stick my head out
the window, until one time we passed an oncoming car and my head knocked off a
dog's head.”
“I only
played hooky one time, so I'll never forget it. I hid in the bushes right
outside my classroom. And since the window was open, I could hear the teacher,
so I went ahead and took notes. When the teacher asked a question, I raided my
hand, but she couldn't see me.”
“To
become a knife thrower in the circus, they probably don't let you start off
throwing at a live woman. They start you out with a little girl.”