The First and Only Online Fanzine Devoted to the Life and Works of Edgar Rice Burroughs Master of Imaginative Fantasy Adventure  Creator of Tarzan  and  "Grandfather of American Science Fiction"

Weekly Online Fanzine
Volume 0217

The Many Worlds of

"The master of imaginative fantasy adventure...
...the creator of Tarzan and...
...the 'grandfather of science-fiction'"

---

TARCOONS Vol. 2
The

JUNGLE FUNNIES PAGE

ELMO'S ACME APE APPREHENDERS

Back in the Thirties, the enterprising mayor of Tarzana, California, established a city zoo that became a significant Southern California tourist attraction. Soon after it opened, one of the star attractions, Kerchak, an African Great Ape, escaped. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. Looking under "Animal Capturing Services" in the Yellow Pages he found a listing for Elmo's Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the administration office of the zoo and Elmo, a large barrell-chested man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?" the man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop into the truck," the man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a canyon which contained a large grove of trees where they immediately spotted Kerchak on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and Elmo opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.

Elmo reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed-off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a butter knife and baseball bat.

"Now," Elmo said, "I'm going up into the tree with the knife and the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and at that time you must run over to snap on the handcuffs and we'll have him.

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"

Elmo said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine. After all, I have the knife and the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"
 
 

This Elmo story didn't tickle your funnybone? Well, go to Samuel Stoddard's Dialectizer Website http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/ and enter our ERBzin-e URL to translate it into the following dialects: Redneck ~ Jive ~ Cockney ~ Elmer Fudd ~  Swedish Chef ~ Moron ~ Pig Latin

(NOTE: Let me say in preamble that this is meant to be humorous, rather than piercing literary criticism. I have spent as many pleasant hours reading ERB material as the next red-blooded American boy (I mean no slight to all the other nationalities represented among ERB's faithful fans), but sometimes I am overcome by the urge to poke fun at the same authors I most appreciate. ERB isn't the first and he won't be the last. I decided to say this first because of several painful experiences elsewhere on the Net where I posted something that was meant to be funny, but didn't bother to say so, and was castigated for my lack of comprehension of what a particular author was really trying to say, or else I DID put in a disclaimer ("This is HUMOR") as the final paragraph, and was upbraided by people who evidently had quit in disgust before reading that last paragraph, but couldn't resist the opportunity to yell at me because I was missing the whole point in my discussion of whatever I was discussing. With the formal disclaimer out of the way, let's move on to the main body of the post.)

Reviewing some of ERB's classic series lately, I started wondering exactly what ARE the precepts of this noble code which his heroes invariably honor? They certainly seem to feel they are behaving honorably, but we don't hear much about the details of the rules they live by. Accordingly, I have tried to derive the rules from their behavior patterns, and here is what I came up with as the foundation of their creed:

1. I shall give lip service to democratic ideals such as that a man should be judged and rewarded by his own character and accomplishments, and not just by whatever money, real estate, titles, etc., he may have inherited from his ancestors.

2. I shall give lip service to the idea that we should all avoid the fallacy of judging people's inner merit, sweetness of character, etc. by such superficial indicators as the shade of their skin, the comeliness of their features, etc.

3. I shall accept any and all aristocratic-style honors which are offered me (Duke, Warlord, Emperor, etc.).

4. I shall insist upon marrying a beautiful princess, repeat PRINCESS, and be downright smug about my accomplishment, frequently muttering, "My wife is the most beautiful woman in two worlds!" or words to that effect.

5. I shall steadfastly deny that any possible contradiction could exist when points 1, 2, 3, and 4 are considered side by side.

6. I shall be either the strongest man in the world where I principally operate, or the best swordsman, or preferably both.

7. Given that I have achieved Point 6, I shall sneer contemptuously at any villain who refuses to face me in single combat with equal weaponry (or bare hands) to settle our differences, and call him an honorless coward, or words to that effect.

8. I shall be as vague about chronological matters as possible, making it impossible for even my most fervent admirers to reach a firm consensus on when each episode of my life happened, when my children were born, etc. In extreme cases I will either claim that time is a variable and doesn't pass at the same rate for everyone in the same setting, or give flatly contradictory data, such as my marriage occurring around 20 years after my birth, i.e. 1908 or 1909, and my son being a fighter pilot in the British military at the outbreak of World War I in 1914. Egad, that young whippersnapper matured quickly!

9. I shall never kill anyone except for the noblest of reasons, such as A) in a clear-cut case of self-defense, B) in a clear-cut case of defense of a beautiful maiden, C) because it furthers the plot.

10) As a general rule, whenever I encounter a "lost civilization," I shall never share the secrets of gunpowder, the steam engine, germ theory, and other modern innovations with the inhabitants; nor shall I expose them directly to 20th Century Civilization, but instead leave them living in their squalid, Stone Age (or Iron Age) conditions and never my trouble myself with concerns as to what their infant mortality rate is, etc. It's for their own good, I tell myself! Modern innovations would just "corrupt" them!

(NOTE: I admit that there were exceptions. Tarzan didn't do #4 and David Innes didn't do #10. But such exceptions were far and few between, methinks).                     Larry Homer

B.C. by Johnny Hart - 99.09.11
"We ask Peter stay -- live with us. Him refuse, him man of destiny."
"Peter good man, but got ants in skivvies."
"So, where is Peter, now?"
"Not know, him go West.'
"We try stop him. Tell him no pass to West."
"Him no listen to us."
"Him stubborn... still think world is round -- go look for you."
"Why do they talk like that?"
"I'm hip!... I keep wanting to buy them an infinitive or something."
"Where did you learn to speak English so well?"
"We learn from three books we find in old underground cavern."
"What kind of books?"
"Autobiographies!"
"Autobiographies?"
"Come, we show you."
LIFE OF TARZAN
LIFE OF TONTO
FRANKENSTEIN

Illustrations by Stu Shiffman for
Adventure of the Martian Hegira:
fragments from the
Barsoomian Reminiscences of Sherlock Holmes
as edited by
Stu Shiffman, FWA,
member: Sound of the Baskervilles, Hounds of the Internet
~~~~~~~
The Barsoomian Reminiscences are featured in ERBzin-e 215
Release date: September 24, 1999