Lunchbox Memorial Procession, China

International News - World Mourns

Known to his mother and teachers as Jesse Noah Williams, and to lucky men, women, and quadripeds around the world as "God....don't stop", the search for the whereabouts of Lunchbox officially ended at one minute past midnight. A joint federal and state task force of rescuers, along with thousands of volunteers, had searched for nearly a month for any sign of the man said to have possessed a "ten-foot ebony-hued cock", but the efforts had yielded no results.

Those closest to Lunchbox expressed disgust, but not surprise, at the outcome of the investigation.

"I don't know why everyone's so shocked", said Holly Anderson, former friend and confidante. "I mean, no one had laid eyes on him in ages, even before he was reported missing."

"I've known for almost a month he was never coming back", stated Nicholas Leiby, another one-time friend. "They say that your chances of being rescued decrease exponentially after 24 hours, and, well...you do the math."

Other reactions were mixed.

"I never liked him anyway," said Charles Samuels, an ex-coworker.

"Who?", asked Jake White, a former schoolmate.

"Hey, are those German Shepherds?", inquired Rhys Dawson, an erudite scholar of wine, cheese, whiskey, and firearms. Dawson is widely credited with being the earliest proponent of the Laws of Homodynamics, whose study was largely based in the behavioral patterns of Lunchbox himself. "Now, you know the best type of search animal to use in this particular, exact type of situation is a Szechuan Rottweiler, because of the anatomical propensities of their timpanothoracical glands...hey, I know from search dogs. Fuck you if you can't take me seriously."

The global community mourned as well, staging rallies, memorial services, and processions in honor of the presumably deceased. In London, Sir Elton John staged a benefit performance in a packed concert hall, whose proceeds were to aid the rescue effort (See concert images, left). The paramilitary Black Panther organization has been particularly strident in voicing its suspicions that Lunchbox's disappearance was, at the very least, a racially motivated setup, and, at most, a "whitey conspiracy". (See protest image.)

More details of local memorial services and international reactions will be released as they become available.