THE DEPAKOTE SAGA
Five weeks into the meds now; I've had to start taking Risperdal again (it's an anti-psychotic). Apparently you normal people don't hear voices calling your name or babies crying when there aren't any there, so I have to take something to stop them. I hear you don't see little grey shadow men run across your kitchens either(). Theoretically, those things will all stop soon. The meds make me very sleepy. My moods are still not stable; the swings just seem to be a bit slower. The intensity hasn't really decreased with the depressions, but it has with the manias. Basically I don't give a crap about anything at all right now...can't get interested in anything and it all seems so pointless anyway that I don't even care most of the time that I can't be interested in things. Wow what a sentence that was. Anyway, we'll see what happens next. Oh...I'm gaining weight and my hair is falling out from the depakote. Maybe I should scan a hairball to put on here...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
I have a half bottle of pain pills, almost a full bottle of risperdol, and a full bottle of depakote. I'm fighting with all I have not to take them all. I hate who I am...who I'm not...I hate everything about me. I'm nothing but a mood state. Even when I have those days when I think I'm cohesive, coherent, and clear I find out later that I wasn't...I was manic. It's sickening to think how delusional I really am. Sickening to look in the mirror and not know myself at all...and to think I actually believe that I do sometimes makes it even worse. I just want to sleep and sleep and never wake. Not because I'm having a wonderful dream. Far from it. I'm in hell...and so is everyone around me. I don't know how they stand it; there's no way in hell the benefits can even come close to the amount of work involved in being even NEAR me. I know I'm a workout...and I don't see how that'll ever get any better. The mood passes...so what. It always comes back, so don't even say that to me. Say "Lisa, they've found a cure." That might make me smile...if I even believe you.
Is the medicine working? What do you think? My friend is calling me in a little while...I have to wait til I hear from her. The kids and the husband are gone to visit my grandparents. Maybe I won't do anything...but then again maybe I will. I don't know yet. I keep thinking...when the harm I do my girls outweighs the benefits, I'll go. Quietly and peacefully. I want them to think it's an accident or like natural causes or something, so anyone who reads this make sure of that. I would never want them to think it's THEM i'm leaving. It's me. Just me.
It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm up. Don't feel tired at all. I'm sick and my head hurts...maybe that's why I'm up. I don't feel invincible at all so if this is the beginning of a manic episode I don't think it'll be pretty.
Yesterday was ugly. Cried most of the day. Today I have a migraine; probably has something to do with yesterday. I'm so sick of people underestimating my intelligence because they think they know me and my illness. I feel like it's time for a few to see how smart I really am. Do people really think that this is bearing my soul? Come on. There's a lot more to me than I'd put on a webpage that any Tom, Dick, or Harry can see. Gimme a break. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Went to the doctor today and he changed all my meds. I'm off depakote now...yay...I'm on Lithium, Prozac (with the dose doubled), Zyprexa, and Ambien for sleep if I need it. I hope this does some good...am really sick of feeling like I feel right now.
One full day later and I have to admit I feel better. Don't know if it's the new meds or if I'm just heading up again. I think it's the meds because I feel more REAL than I have in a long time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Got up at 2 a.m. and stayed up. Nuff said?
Today has NOT been a good day yet. I can't decide which mood state I'm in; I have this really weird self-conscious feeling that I just can't shake...can't get interested in anything...very tired b/c I didn't sleep well last night even with TWO Ambien. I feel like I'm thinking more clearly this afternoon; I'm wondering about moving the afternoon dose of prozac to another time. I know I need it, but I don't need to be wound up at night and unable to sleep. In spite of how I felt earlier today (all weepy and sad), my attitude is improving. I don't need and am not going to tolerate any extra crap in my life right now. God help the soul who tries to give me any.
Thanks to Sammi for the sig!