When Love and Hate Collide: Chapter 8

I walked around London for three days, getting some very nasty stares from passers-by. Rude bunch of people, I tell you…although I can’t really blame them. I must have been a real sight. I guess, I’m just glad that the weather was warm. Unfortunately, it rained every single night and more often than not, I was stuck sitting in draughty bus shelters until it stopped.

My clothes were much drier now but I was shivering like crazy. I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold. Except for that time that James dared me to jump into the lake in the middle of winter, but that doesn’t count.

I eventually found my way to The Leaky Cauldron and sneezed violently as I sat down and ordered a cup of something hot that looked suspiciously like coffee. I dropped my head onto the table and groaned heavily. ‘I am a complete idiot,’ I thought miserably.

Yes, in case you were wondering, I had spent the whole three days (well, most of it) contemplating what I’d said to Sirius that night and had reached the conclusion that I needed a good slap across the face for being such a snarky brat. No, snarky is not a word.

If…if Sirius hadn’t done what he’d been accused of…then…then…I had betrayed him by believing a lie. Either way, I had to know. I swallowed my coffee (or whatever it was) in one gulp and hurried outside. Once again, it was raining. Gritting my teeth, I wrapped my arms around myself and started walking. I needed to get to him…needed to see him, give him a chance to explain exactly what the hell was going on…and I needed to do it before he went off and did something stupid.

The rain seemed to get heavier and heavier as I ran halfway across the city. As I reached the edge of Moody’s property, I felt a strange sense of relief and fear. What was I going to say to him?

‘Sorry, Sirius…I’ve decided I would like to hear your explanation… continue, please,’? Somehow, I doubted that would go over too well.

I swallowed and sighed heavily as I made my way to the house and stepped inside. It was dark. And very quiet. Sighing again, I fumbled around for the light switch and flipped it on. Light flooded the kitchen and I sank into a chair. God, I was so tired.

I could only have been sitting there for five minutes at the most, when I heard someone mumbling in the sitting room. Frowning, I peered in and was about to turn on the light in there when I saw Sirius asleep on the couch. He was muttering something in his sleep; something I couldn’t quite hear but, I realized as I stood over him, that it couldn’t be pleasant. Beads of sweat were forming on his forehead and his breathing was shallow.

With shaking hands, I leaned down and brushed his hair away from his face.

"Don’t go," he breathed in his sleep. "Don’t leave me…"

I froze but relaxed when I saw that he wasn’t awake. ‘Oh Sirius…what do you see in your dreams? Does it hurt you? Torture you?’ Shaking my head sadly, I covered him with an ugly green and brown blanket and impulsively dropped a kiss on his cheek.

Perhaps it was just my imagination but he seemed to be calmer after that.

*****

I stepped onto the platform and felt that horrible feeling in my stomach; like it had been turned upside down.

Moody was sitting on the floor in front of the fire, surrounded by a growing pile of, what looked like, junk. "Didn’t think you’d be coming back," he said after a while, not even looking up.

"Neither did I…" I chuckled lightly. "I was this close to running off and never coming back again."

He nodded slowly. "What changed?"

I paused. "Everything? Nothing? I don’t know. Just a feeling, you know?"

He glanced up, both of his eyes fixing themselves on me.

Tentatively, I walked closer and took a seat beside him. "What are you doing?"

He paused, sifting once more through the collection of photographs on his lap. "Remembering…just remembering."

Slowly, I picked one up and held it between my fingers. A young man was standing next to a tree, a tiny child balanced on his shoulders. "Is this…?"

He didn’t look at me. "That was a long time ago."

I stared at it. The man in this picture couldn’t be more than twenty-five. He was tall and strong and smiling. The child on his shoulders had his eyes and the same bright smile.

"I’d just gotten out of Hogwarts when I met my wife. Got married the next month. The lass came along a few years later." He chuckled bitterly. "Found her three days before her fifth birthday."

I covered my mouth in shock.

"First time I saw the Killing Curse and what it could do. He had no reason to hurt them. No reason at all." His voice was a mixture of rage and misery. "Had nothing left after that. I swore…that he would pay. That I’d make him pay."

I didn’t know what to say.

"I went after Death Eaters with a vengeance after that. ‘Spose that’s why I lost my eye, huh?" I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood, but it didn’t help.

There was another long silence.

"When…" I paused, thinking. I had never ever spoken about this with another living person. "When they first took Sirius away…I honestly felt like my world was falling apart. Lily, James, Peter…Sirius…I didn’t think anything could hurt so bad," I choked back a sob and took a deep breath. He wasn’t looking at me but I knew he was listening. "I couldn’t concentrate…I just kept wondering what I’d done wrong-"

"Wasn’t your fault, Lass."

"Says who?" I countered.

He let me continue.

"Remus took care of me, you know. But I couldn’t offer him the same support. Everytime I tried to talk to him, I’d end up," I smirked slightly, "wheezing and crying and behaving like a complete ass. And then…I…there were some…complications with my health…I got sick…nearly died…"

"Can’t’ve been good for young Lupin then," Moody observed quietly.

I nodded. "I couldn’t deal with letting him down. It was awful. I’d sit and stare into space…sometimes I’d catch him watching me…he was…" I paused again, "afraid. That I’d die and leave him all alone."

"Aren’t we all afraid of that?"

I blinked back tears. "Not the way he is. But…staying there was killing me. Every little thing-"

"Reminded you of him," he finished, glancing at me.

I sighed in relief, glad I hadn’t had to say it. "It hurt so much," I whispered. "I thought I’d die without him. Even though that sounds pathetic. But…" I trailed off, staring into space.

"Aria? Can I come in?"

I didn’t look up as Remus entered the room.

He stood watching me for a second. I could see his reflection in the window. He looked older somehow. More tired than usual. "I brought you something to eat."

"Hmm," I murmured. "Can you just leave it on the side?"

I heard him set it down and then he came and sat opposite me. "You have to eat," he said evenly.

I looked at him in surprise. "I know. I will. Later…when I’m hungry."

He buried his face in his hands. "You haven’t eaten in four days," he muttered.

"Really? Is that how long it’s been?" I had no idea that so much time had passed.

He looked up at me. "You’re going to make yourself sick. Sicker," he corrected.

I forced a smile. "Remus, don’t be ridiculous. I’m perfectly fine."

He gritted his teeth. "You are not ‘perfectly’ fine. How can you be? But you’ve got to…oh, I don’t know…get over all of this. It happened four months ago, Aria, for crying out loud!"

I stared at him. "Remus, I know. You don’t have to point it out."

He sighed in defeat. "Don’t do this," he said tiredly. "I can’t lose anyone else."

"You won’t lose me, Remus," I said in an empty voice.

He shook his head, got to his feet and left. I heard the door close behind him.

"Lass?"

"Mm…I ran away, you know. I thought that…that if I was in another country, I could be someone else."

Moody smiled. "You can change everything about yourself and then find that you’ve changed nothing at all."

I stared at him. "Deep," I said jokingly. "Very deep."

"Eyes don’t lie, Lassie. And true, some people can force themselves not to show any emotion in their eyes…but you can always tell. You can always tell." He leaned forward and dropped a piece of parchment into the fire.

I watched him for a second. "Do you believe him…I mean…believe that he isn’t a murderer?"

He sighed heavily, as if this were the most taxing question he’d ever been asked. "It doesn’t really matter what I believe, Lassie…but…since he escaped, he hasn’t done anything to make me think he’s in Voldemort’s league." He dropped a photograph into the flames.

I stared at the glowing embers. "Why are you burning those?" I asked suddenly, snatching another picture out of his hand before it could find its way into the fire.

He stared at me, speechless. "They’re junk."

I snorted as I examined it. "Don’t be so dumb," I muttered. "You should keep these."

He looked from the photograph in my hand to the fire and back again. "For what?"

I watched the pretty little girl wave to me before saying, "For a rainy day."

He chuckled half-heartedly. "Too many rainy days, Lassie…too many to count."

I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes. "Why is he here?"

"Who?"

I sighed. "Sirius. He’s on the couch."

"Oh…that…" Moody at least had the grace to look sheepish. "He was hoping you’d come back here…wants to talk to you."

I nodded, biting my lip. "Oh."

Moody looked at me. "I can ask him to leave if you want," he offered.

"Don’t be stupid. Is he…is he all right?" I asked hesitantly.

Moody raised an eyebrow. "I think so. Although I doubt he was too thrilled at the situation. Azkaban isn’t a pleasant place, you know."

That wasn’t exactly what I’d meant but as he turned back to the fire, I got the distinct impression that he didn’t want to talk anymore. Quietly, I got to my feet and started back to the platform.

"You’d best get a hot drink and go to bed," he said softly. "You’ll catch a horrible cold, if you don’t already have one."

A tiny smile appeared on my lips as I stepped onto the platform and felt the familiar turning of my stomach. Only now, it didn’t seem so bad.

Chapter 9

I crept back into the living room where Sirius was lying. He looked younger when he was asleep. Peaceful. I sighed. I needed to sleep too. I was cold and tired and I felt incredibly light-headed.

"Aria?" his voice was soft and sleepy.

I debated telling him that he was dreaming but decided I’d have to face him sometime. "Yeah," I whispered back. "It’s me."

He sat up abruptly. "Are you-are you sure?" he asked uncertainly.

I held back any sarcastic comments I had and said, "Yeah."

He didn’t speak and for a second, I was afraid that he wasn’t going to say anything at all before he muttered, "I’m sorry."

Whatever I’d been expecting, it hadn’t been that. Sirius never apologized. In fact, on one hand, I could count the number of times he had apologized to me. "Me too…for…for what I said. Before."

He gave that sombre chuckle that he used to give when I’d said something that embarrassed him. "I deserved it-"

I snorted. "Don’t lie, Sirius. I lost it and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that to you."

His troubled eyes met mine. "I didn’t kill anyone, Aria. I swear it. On my father’s grave."

I inhaled sharply. Sirius would never have sworn anything but the truth on his father’s grave. I could only remember one other time when he had. "What happened?" I whispered, suddenly afraid that if I talked too loud, Ministry officials would be taking him away from me again. "When you left…that night, you said you were going to check on Peter."

"And I never came back," he muttered grimly.

I looked away. How had he known that was exactly what I was going to say?

"Peter wasn’t in his house when I went to check on him. You know…that feeling? When something just doesn’t feel…right?" I nodded. He continued. "I figured…I’d drop in on James. Make sure that everything…was all right." His face hardened. "The house was already in ruins when I got there. Clouds of dust all over the place. I couldn’t even see their bodies at first."

Hesitantly, I sat down on the couch and slipped my hand into his.

He looked at me. "I went after Peter. I was so angry. I wasn’t thinking, Ri…too hot-tempered as Lily always said." He paused, absent-mindedly tracing shapes on my palm. "I was threatening him with everything from Jelly-Legs to the Unforgiveables. Hardly surprising that he’d blame me for their deaths, huh?"

"It wasn’t your fault," I said and even I was surprised at the amount of conviction in my voice.

He appeared not to have heard me. "I had my wand out…" he paused again, "and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it." He frowned. "You know how it ends." There was a long silence. Then

Sirius spoke again. "How could he do that to me? To them? I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I was so stupid."

Before I could contemplate my actions, I slipped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. He sighed against my neck.

"Do you think it was something I did? Something I didn’t do? Maybe I should have been a better friend…do you-"

"Sirius, it wasn’t your fault," I said quietly. "I promise…it wasn’t your fault."

His arms tightened around me and paused. "I missed you so much," he choked out.

I ran one hand through his dark thick hair and closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. "Was it…bad? In Azkaban?"

He pulled away and looked at the ceiling. "Yes," he said simply. "I wanted to die in there. I just kept thinking about…about everything bad that had ever happened to me. I kept thinking about-"

"I missed you too," I interrupted, not quite ready to hear what horrible memories had tortured him for twelve years.

He didn’t look at me. "Are you just saying that or do you really mean it?"

I studied his face for a second before answering, "Yes. I mean it…I missed you so much…more than I thought possible." I suddenly got the strangest feeling of déjà vu. Despite what most people thought, Sirius really didn’t have an ego problem. In fact…sometimes he was almost insecure.

He cracked a small smile. "So…where’ve you been since I got framed?"

I raised an eyebrow and inhaled slightly. "Remus…didn’t tell you?"

He pulled back abruptly. "Tell me what?"

I bit my lip, trying to decide where to start.

"You guys aren’t…you didn’t…you’re not…" Sirius spluttered.

"So, he did tell you." Nothing like a really bad joke to lighten a potentially bad situation. I wish you could have seen the look on Sirius’ face. He was so shocked, it was almost comical. He made a strangled sound at the back of his throat.

"Just kidding."

There was complete silence.

"You," he said evenly, "are a complete brat."

I raised my eyebrow again. "That’s your comeback? God, Sirius…losing your touch?"

"Shut up."

I smiled and then it slowly disappeared. "I um…moved. A few months after…you know."

He looked at me, interested. "Moved? Where?"

"Uh…out of the country."

"Oh," he said, slightly put-out that I didn’t give him any details. "Did you…uh…you know…" he sighed heavily, "oh blast…you know…are you…"

"I’m not married," I muttered.

He nodded slowly and then dropped a chaste kiss on my cheek. "I would be lying if I said I wasn’t glad," he whispered in my ear.

My cheek burned from contact with his lips again. I opened my mouth to tell him…to tell him everything. And I found I couldn’t. What would he think when I told him I’d abandoned his best friend? What would he say when he found out I’d run away? Oh, I knew he wouldn’t scream or shout or hit me or anything like that. But I knew he’d get that look on his face. That look that people get when they’re disappointed and don’t want to say anything. And I couldn’t bear to see it. Not from him. "Can we…talk about this tomorrow?" I asked weakly. "It’s just…I’m tired."

The smile vanished from his face and he looked sad again. "Oh…sure, of course."

"Sirius…I…I’m tired, is all. It’s not you-"

"It’s me," he finished with a wry smile.

I paused. "Um…no…not exactly-"

"It’s all right," he interrupted. "You need to sleep anyway. You look dead on your feet," he muttered weakly.

I forced myself not to scream in frustration. True, I was tired but I wanted to talk to him…I really did. "Good night then."

He smiled and if I didn’t know him better, I’d have said he was genuinely happy. "’Night."

I started towards the stairs. Something made me turn around. I felt like there was something I needed to say. I had to explain. Sirius was staring into space with a horrible vacant expression in his

eyes. I had only ever seen him like that the day he found out that his father had died. It was not something I liked seeing and at the time, I had sworn that as long as I was alive, he would never look

or feel like that again. Ironic…now I was the one causing him that pain.

I sighed heavily, reaching out to turn off the kitchen light. Darkness flooded the space in front of me. I tripped over the first stair. Cursing under my breath, I pulled myself up and felt my way up the stairs and into my room.

But weren’t those the best times? When you could just be with your best friends, doing absolutely nothing and yet feeling like you were the luckiest person in the world?

I exhaled loudly as I stepped into the shower, reaching my hand out to test the water. It was too hot — steam was already forming on the mirrors. I closed my eyes and stepped under the steady stream. It scalded my neck and shoulders but I was too tired to care. I pushed my hair away from my face, reaching out for the shampoo. I went through the rest of my shower very methodically before reaching my hand out and turning the water off.

I wrapped the yellow towel around myself and stepped into the bedroom to get dressed. I half-expected to see Sirius sitting on my bed (something he’d thought was remarkably funny when we’d been at school) but the room was empty. I sighed heavily, pulling on my clothes blindly and drying my hair with the towel.

I sneezed, cursed and then practically fell into the bed, dropping my towel on the floor. The sheets felt crisp and clean and after three days sleeping in cardboard boxes and the like, it made a welcome change.

I closed my eyes and prayed for a dreamless sleep to capture me for eternity.

Chapter 10

When I awoke the next morning, Sirius was gone. It was strange…I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care. But a part of me cared so much it frightened me.

I walked through the next week like a zombie. I read books over and over again, never retaining one piece of information and stared out the window for hours on end. I was relieved and terrified at the same time; relieved that my heart hadn’t completely been turned to stone but terrified that I still loved him.

Oh yes. I still loved a convicted murderer who was currently on the run and, if caught, would be worse than dead. Sounds absolutely ridiculous, doesn’t it? But Sirius Black was almost like my other half for nearly my whole life. You can’t just disregard that, because it doesn’t just go away when you want it to.

I wasn’t sleeping too well, either. I’d wake up from dreams that I couldn’t remember or I’d lay in bed for hours, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. Finally, Moody put something in my drink. The thing is…I saw him do it and I didn’t really care. All I wanted, was to be nineteen years old and having Sirius chase me around our house, as if we were two five year olds. I wanted to tell him everything so bad that it actually hurt. I just didn’t know if I was strong enough.

Moody had been saying that Fletcher was busy sorting out some new Potentials and I would be shadowing a new one within a week. This didn’t really register with me and I just didn’t really care.

I threw myself into my bed and prayed that Moody’s Potion brewing was better than his cooking.

*****

I slept undisturbed for nearly sixteen hours, at which time I could hear voices from downstairs that were rapidly getting louder and louder.

"-something we can do!"

"Sirius, I’ve already told you…he’s safer there than-"

My heart jumped, despite my trying to convince myself that I didn’t care. Sirius was here. In this house. Downstairs.

"Professor, he isn’t happy! What if he runs away or something?"

"The lad’s not stupid," Moody interjected.

I pulled on a black robe that had seen better days and started down the stairs.

"I know that! I’m just saying that he isn’t happy with those — those muggle relatives of his!"

"You’re being very unreasonable," Moody snarled.

"No, you just don’t understand! He spends the entire summer miserable and then when school starts…"

"We’re just going to have to watch over him more often than usual," came Dumbledore’s mild and slightly amused voice.

At this, Sirius exploded even more than I thought was possible. "And just how are you going to do that?!? There are over a hundred students that you have to watch out for! How are you going to know that he’s safe?!? You can’t be there twenty-four hours a day!"

"Neither can you," Moody said quietly.

Two seconds later, a door slammed. I took a tentative step into the room. "Everyone alive?" I asked jokingly.

Moody sighed in relief. "Good. You’re up. Albus, I’m off."

He brushed past me, waved and set off down the hill. "Where’s he going?"

"Shadowing another Potential." Dumbledore glanced at me. "I assume you heard the conversation?"

"I didn’t mean to-"

He waved me off, his eyes twinkling. "Don’t worry about it. I’m just a little concerned about Sirius. Have you talked to him yet?"

"Of course I-"

"What I meant was," he said, lowering his voice, "have you talked to him yet? Told him what you’ve been up to for the past fourteen years?"

I sighed, glancing out the window at where a huge black dog was hitting a tree. "Kind of. Sort of. Not really. No."

Dumbledore didn’t say a word.

"How can I tell him?" I whispered. "He’d hate me. I did everything that I said I’d never do. I ran away, for crying out loud!"

"What about-"

"No!" I said, louder than I’d intended. "No…I…I don’t think I can tell him. Not that."

"Doesn’t he have a right to know whether or not he-"

"Professor, please. I couldn’t even tell him before Azkaban! Why should I even bother telling him now? Why should I bring it up all over again?"

"He has a right to know," Dumbledore said firmly. "You two were always close, as I remember it. Even before you started — uh — well…yes. Surely something as small as-"

"Small?!?" I echoed incredulously.

The twinkle in his blue eyes vanished. "All right…it wasn’t small at all. Perhaps it was one of the hugest crises in your entire life. But it concerned…concerns him too. Especially if you still think about it. Doesn’t he have a right to know what might have been?"

"I can’t tell him," I said shaking my head. "I just can’t. He’d hate me. He’d hate me. Besides…it’s in the past. He doesn’t need to know anymore. It’s over, it’s finished."

"Don’t be so completely ridiculous. Sirius would never…could never hate you."

"Yes, well, I’m sure I could make it happen."

"He has a right to know that he could have been a fa-"

"Professor, no!" I snapped. "No more. Just pretend it never happened, all right?" ‘But he does have a right to know…he should know…I should tell him…’

Professor Dumbledore looked slightly disappointed. "All right then. You’d best go out there though…before he does some real damage to that tree."

*****

I felt incredibly uncomfortable as I stood behind Sirius. In his dog form, he was taller than my waist and if truth be told, slightly ferocious-looking. "Erm…could you…come back inside so I can talk to you?"

The dog swung around, baring its fangs at me. I mean…Sirius…oh for God’s sake.

"Could you not do that?" I asked rather irritably.

The dog…Sirius growled at me, indicating that he wanted to be left alone. Well, for Pete’s sake!

"Sirius, get in the house, now. Or I’ll drag you." This was just a joke and a half but…a threat’s a threat. "I’m not kidding." It’s probably a good thing that we don’t have neighbours. They’d think I was visibly insane.

Sirius regarded me for a second before brushing past me (nearly knocking me over, I’ll have you know!) and ‘storming’ into the house. If dog’s storm.

I sighed heavily, raising my eyes to the sky. It was cloudy and overcast. And there was never any chance of the sun shining through. Like always.

When I’d ventured back inside, Professor Dumbledore was nowhere to be found and Sirius was ‘talking’ to the wall.

"Could you just let me in, for God’s sake?!?"

"I already told you. No."

"It’s all right," I said quietly. "Let him in."

The wall seemed to give me a dubious look before letting Sirius onto the platform. I watched him disappear into the ground before sighing and stepping onto the platform myself. Oh well. At least I would land on a big soft cushion.

Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. Sirius had not moved in time and I landed right on top of him. For just a second, it was like the old days, when Sirius used to tackle me onto our bed and…

"Sorry," he muttered, quickly moving off the cushion and practically into the fireplace.

I sighed again, my mind racing. "I think we need to have an actual talk."

"I thought we already talked."

I sat up and glared at him. "No, we’re going to sit down and talk until we both understand each other."

He shot me an amused look. "You sound like my mother."

"Oh shut up."

There was a short pause, which he used to start a fire in the fireplace (well no, really) and take a seat in a leather armchair that had evidently seen better days. "So…what do you want to talk about?" he asked flippantly, as if merely inquiring about the weather.

Good question. You know that feeling…when you have so much to say…so much you need to hear…that you don’t know where to begin? I stood there opening and closing my mouth for a while before saying the first thing that came to mind. "Did you see their bodies the night they died?" I think that as long as I live, I’ll never forget the look on his face. It was a cross between horror, pain and guilt for something he’d had no control over.

"Yes," he said after a while.

I nodded slowly. "And?"

He took a deep breath. "Lily was untouched. She looked the same…except she had this look on her face." He shook his head. "Complete terror. Fear."

I bit my lip. "This was stupid…Sirius, I’m sorry. Forget it. Let’s talk about something else."

His hand darted out and latched onto my wrist and for a second, my breath caught in my throat. "James…James was…surrounded by…bricks and…stone. He was unmarked…except for the right side of his body. It was crushed, Ri. Completely…"

I placed my hand over my mouth. Was this what he lived with every day? And once again, I cursed myself for not having been there with him. ‘You have no proof that what he said about Wormtail is true,’ a nasty little voice in my head protested. ‘Of course it’s true. It has to be.’

He fixed his gaze on the floor. "Aria…when we were together…I used…well, this is kind of stupid to tell you now…but I used to keep secrets from you."

This came as no great surprise. It was one of the things I’d missed the most when we started dating. When our status had been best friends, we told each other everything. I mean, I doubted he wanted to hear about why Adam Jackson was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I never asked to hear about his sick little fantasies involving whoever he found attractive at that moment in time, but that was the point. I knew his every thought and he knew mine. "Um…really?"

He made a face. "It wasn’t anything big. It was dumb stuff. Like what had happened at work…or…you know…how I felt about stuff…God, it was just so dumb. And I’m…I’m sorry."

I paused, not exactly sure what he wanted me to say. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because," he said slowly, "keeping secrets from you was so incredibly thoughtless. I just thought that if I told you, it would, you know, complicate my life. And it wouldn’t have. I…and you used to tell me everything. Especially about your job and I…I didn’t tell you all the details about mine. And I should have. And I wanted to be honest with you and…I’m just sorry."

If he hadn’t been so serious, I would probably have laughed. Sirius Black was not the serious type. If a situation could be lightened, he would lighten it. If something wasn’t funny, he’d make it that way. It’s just the way he was, and I had found absolutely nothing wrong with that. "Don’t feel bad," I said softly. I started chewing on my lip. "I…well…I never told you everything about my life either."

He looked up quickly, his eyes begging me to tell him I was kidding. "You…you didn’t?"

The smile disappeared from my lips. I had to tell him. I had to tell him because he was Sirius and at one time I had been ready to spend the rest of my life with him. "If I start to cry, I don’t want you to touch me, okay?" I whispered. A horrible feeling was starting in my stomach. The twisting, sickening feeling of guilt.

"What?" He thought I was joking, I could see it.

"I don’t want you to touch me," I said, getting up and pushing his hand off mine. "I need to tell you this and I don’t…I just need you to listen to me."

"Aria, is this actually going somewhere? Because if it-"

"I need to talk…and I don’t want you interrupting me," I interrupted. "I need to get my thoughts out before they drive me insane and you’re going to listen to me whether you want to or not."

Sirius looked slightly taken aback but the fact didn’t register to me.

"I…erm…I used to be really afraid of you, you know."

Oh, not a good way to start. Sirius looked even more shocked and a little pissed off now. "I don’t mean…that I thought you were going to explode and throw me in the fire or anything but…oh hell…" I stopped, pausing. "Sirius…do you remember that time…in sixth year when…when you and I got in that really really big fight?"

His brow furrowed. "We got in lots of fights at school," he pointed out quietly.

"But do you remember this one?" I pressed. "It was about…something so stupid…I don’t even remember it…but I remember us yelling in the common room. You were absolutely screeching at me and then I-"

"-slapped me across the face," he finished with a half smile. "Yeah, so? I deserved it."

"Do you remember what you said to me after that?"

He shrugged half-heartedly. "Not really."

"Well, I do," I continued. "You told me that no matter how many times I slapped you across the face, you’d always love me."

Sirius raised his eyebrows, almost amused. "I said that? When I was sixteen? Wow…"

"Seventeen," I muttered. "But…but…was it just…did you just…ugh…I mean…when you said it…"

He reached his hand out but stopped before he touched my cheek. "Aria, I loved you…I do love you. And whatever I said…I meant it."

He didn't love me. He couldn't. No...he loved the me from fourteen years ago. I smiled sadly. "You told me that you hated me when I was eighteen. Do you remember that?"

He paused. "I was being an idiot," he said honestly. "You’re my best friend…I couldn’t…hate you."

I noticed that he used present tense and something inside me snapped. "Sirius…I’m sorry," I whispered softly. "I’m so sorry." How could I ever have thought he wouldn’t understand?

A confused look fell onto his handsome features. "About…what?" he asked gently, getting up and standing in front of me.

How could I say this? How could I do this to him? I took a deep shaky breath. "You…you could have been a father," I choked out, turning away from him when I felt the tears behind my eyelids threatening to fall.

There was complete silence.

"What?"