When Love and Hate Collide: Chapter 11

I covered my face with my hands. "I meant to tell you, I really did…"

"I…don’t believe it…are you…sure?"

I fell into a chair as Sirius took the one opposite. "Yes," I muttered.

"I can’t believe it," he said, more to himself than to me.

A horrible silence settled over us and I was compelled to fill it.

"Before…before James and Lily died, do you remember how I was always so tired and I was catching every single stomach virus there was?" Meaningless words, all of them. I had thought he wouldn’t care. That it wouldn’t matter after all this time. A single look into his eyes was enough to prove that I had been wrong. Wrong and painfully stupid.

He nodded wordlessly.

"Well…I figured there was probably something wrong with me, you know? And then I found out that…" I trailed off. I had been so stupid. So very, very stupid. Why hadn’t I just told him? He would have understood…wouldn’t he?

"When?" he croaked out. His already pale face was getting even more so. He was clenching and unclenching his fists, a sign that he wasn’t sure how to react, but most likely, the outcome would not be good.

I wrung my hands nervously. "I was…two months pregnant when you were put in Azkaban."

A horrible silence rang through the room.

He sat forward, an unreadable expression in his dark eyes. "Why didn’t you tell me?" I could see he was desperately trying to maintain control and not let his temper take over and I was grateful for that. "Well?"

I shrugged helplessly. I didn’t have a reason that I could express in words. It had been a lot of feelings and a lot of fear.

He laughed in a gormless manner. "Well, I’m sorry, that’s not good enough!" he snapped. "I know there’s a good reason and I want to hear it. Now."

"Well, I don’t have one!" I said louder than I’d intended.

"Well, find one!" he shouted back.

"I can’t!" I snapped back. "I just…can’t!"

He shook his head in complete disbelief. "I can’t believe you didn’t tell me…Christ, what the hell were you waiting for?!?"

"I don’t know, okay? I just don’t know! You didn’t want to get married and I wasn’t ready and…I didn’t think that bringing a child into the world-" I was grasping at straws, trying to explain that I’d been scared but my words came out as a jumbled mess.

"I didn’t want to get married?" he echoed, his voice dangerously low.

God…this was just like the ‘old days’. Both of us yelling and getting upset at nothing and everything. "You didn’t! You kept putting it off and I just thought that-"

"What, that it meant I didn’t want to marry you? That I’d abandon you and our child? That I’d…run away from my commitments? That I…wouldn’t care about you anymore? Tell me, what?!?" His voice was thick with emotion and for a fleeting second, I saw the hurt in his eyes. Immediately, it was replaced with anger.

"Yes! No! I don’t know! You were always running around acting like such a teenager! You weren’t ready to have a child and-"

"How do you know?"

The question caught me off-guard and I stopped abruptly. How had I known? And the answer was simple. I hadn’t. I’d just assumed. "I was going to tell you," I mumbled, defeated. "I swear, I was going to tell you."

"When? When you were nine months pregnant and couldn’t hide it anymore or when the child was actually born? ‘Sorry, Darling…we have a kid now’?" His sarcasm cut through me like a knife.

I covered my eyes with my hands, as if to block out the world. "Stop it, Sirius."

"I can’t believe you didn’t tell me something so important!"

"Sirius, please, stop," I whispered.

"No, I won’t stop it," he raged. "How could you keep something like that from me?" He was standing in front of me now and something dawned behind his eyes. "It wasn’t mine, was it?"

Time stopped as I stood up calmly and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. "How dare you," I started angrily. "How dare you say that to me. How can you even think that? Damnit, Sirius, how many times do I have to say it before you get it?!? There was only you! Why can’t you just accept that? There was never anyone else!"

Sirius and I glared at each other for a minute before he shoved past me roughly, making his way to the platform.

"Fourteen years and you’re still an immature asshole," I said, just loud enough for him to hear.

He snorted. "Fourteen years and you’re still afraid that every man is like your father."

I froze. What an incredibly cruel thing to say. But Sirius always said nasty things when he got angry.

Wordlessly, I watched him get onto the platform and leave. My entire being begged me to call out to him but I didn’t have anything left to say.

*****

I sat in the kitchen waiting for Moody. The second he walked in, I pounced on him. "I can’t stay here anymore!" Naturally, I would shout out the first thing that came to mind.

He looked at me, one eyebrow raised. "Oh?" He didn’t sound terribly concerned.

I watched him tug his jacket off, set it down on a chair and start washing his hands. "I feel like I’m a child trying to live an adult’s life."

"Since when is an adult’s life more complicated than that of a child’s?"

I dismissed this stupid comment with a wave of my hand. "Oh, you know what I mean. I was an idiot to think that once I came back here, everything would be the same."

He opened the fridge, pulling out a jug of water. "You thought that moving back to England and meeting up with Sirius Black again would make your life return to the way it was fourteen years ago?"

I paused. It sounded a lot less intelligent when he said it out-loud. "Not…exactly. I just thought that…that maybe it…maybe we could just…I could just pretend that fourteen years worth of

living had never happened."

"Far-fetched, don’t you think?" he asked after taking a sip of water.

I snorted. "Of course it’s far-fetched! Why shouldn’t it be? I mean-"

He interrupted me. "Lass…why did you come back here after those three days?"

I stared at him and then shrugged, not really sure where this was going. "I…I don’t know."

"Yes you do," he said firmly.

I sighed heavily. "No, I don’t."

He glared at me, his magical eye fixed in position. "Well, if you won’t tell me, I’ll tell you. You came back here because you still love him. Heaven knows why, but that’s the way fate works. You thought that everything could just go back to the way it was before Voldemort attacked and murdered half the wizarding population. It can’t go back. You can’t honestly think that you haven’t changed in fourteen years. You don’t even know who you are anymore."

I stared at him. "So what?"

He just shook his head. "Fine. Live in your happy little bubble. You’ve got a job to do though. Stop putting that man first and start paying attention to your priorities." He tossed me a piece of parchment and stormed out of the kitchen. I was just managing to piss everyone off today, wasn’t I?

Rolling my eyes at Moody’s melodramatic exit, I unrolled the parchment and read it. It was very brief, informing me of a new Potential who was currently working at the Department of International Magical Co-operation. God, the Ministry was full of shit. I hadn’t even known there was a Department of International Magical Co-operation and I couldn’t even begin to decide what exactly they did.

Walsh —

Shadow Tatiana Kent. Don’t really know much about her. Kind of strange, if you ask me. We do, however, have reason to believe that she’s passing information and if that’s the case, we need

to lock her up.

I could just imagine the look on Mundungus Fletcher’s face as he wrote this. A cross between a wicked smirk and a superior grin.

I’ve taken the liberty of creating a new false name for you and getting you a ‘job’ at the Ministry. Don’t worry…nothing that takes any brains.

Ouch…that wasn’t rude or anything…

Probably secretarial work for a department that doesn’t need one. Anyway, you just be careful and I’ll be sending everything you need tomorrow with Lupin.

— Fletcher

I smiled to myself. Finally. Something that would take my mind of the rest of the world and my life in general.

*****

I could hear Moody walking all around the house and I had a strange feeling that he was searching for Sirius.

I forced myself to concentrate on ‘studying’ about Tatiana Kent. She was blonde with blue eyes and straight, pearly-white teeth. Perfect teeth. I rolled my eyes. Why were all Death Eaters always so annoying-looking? Actually, that wasn’t true but who cares, right?

Tatiana Kent was probably only twenty years old. Twenty five at the most and I sincerely hoped that she wasn’t well-versed in the Dark Arts. She was too young to give up her entire life for a Dark Wizard.

Moody dropped onto the couch and started writing something in a language I didn’t recognize. I fidgeted with the edge of the file. "Uh…so…how was…your day?"

"Fine until I walked into the house and had to talk to an opinionated young lady with stupid ideas and crazy notions."

I raised my eyebrow. "Crazy notions, huh?"

"Incredibly. Then I went outside and…conversed with a young gentleman who refused to do anything except rant and rave about the female gender."

I bit my lip, hiding a smile. That was so like Sirius. Blame the entire female population because I was an idiot. "Oh."

"Yes. Then I sat down to concentrate and was bombarded by the same young lady whose questions were absolutely pointless." He paused to take a breath. "And how was your day?"

"Not nearly as interesting as yours, I’m sure," I muttered. "Um…did…uh…Sirius happen to tell you where he was going?"

Moody put down his book carefully and turned to me. "Does it matter?"

I shrugged, trying to look like I didn’t really care either way. "Of course not!" I paused. "But did he?"

"I imagine he’s just going to stay at a friend’s for a while. It’s not like he can really walk around in public right now." I didn’t miss his biting sarcasm.

"I know that. I was just wondering if-"

"Look! Stop worrying about Sirius Black and get on with what you’re supposed to be doing!" Muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, ‘love-sick teenagers’, he picked up his book and stomped upstairs.

"I’m not worrying about Sirius Black," I mumbled to myself.

Right. Of course not.

*****

I was still reading up on the limited information provided about Tatiana Kent, when a loud knocking on the door caused me to spill coffee all over my notes. Cursing under my breath, I wiped the parchments off as best I could and started for the door.

"All right! I’m just coming!"

The knocking was getting more and more incessant and I was getting more and more annoyed.

"All right! Just hold on one second!" I unbolted the fifty-or-so latches and locks that Moody had installed on the front door and opened it. "What the hell…is…it…hi, Remus."

He looked very slightly amused, but that could just have been a trick of the light. "Aria!" he greeted, leaned down and giving me a huge hug. I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding. Remus was still Remus. He didn’t hate me. He had always understood me. At least, I sincerely hoped so.

I let him inside and ushered him into the kitchen. "Just give me a second to clean this up…"

He sat down and watched me. "What did you do? Spill coffee?"

"No kidding," I muttered.

Remus chuckled lightly. "I’ve brought all the stuff from Fletcher…it’s like a book! Who the heck are you following?"

I sighed heavily, dropping the cloth into the sink. "Tatiana Kent."

There was a short silence. "Who?!?"

I laughed. "Yeah…she’s quite young, actually. Not like the others. Umm…" I searched the table. "Oh…this is a picture."

He smirked at it and I snatched it out of his hand.

"Oh, Remus, for Heaven’s sake!" I said irritably.

"I was just kidding!" he defended.

"She could be your daughter!"

Now he looked offended. "I’m not that old."

"Says who?" I countered.

"Well, you, for one, I imagine. Seeing that we are the same age."

I shot him a dirty look. He’d always been able to do that. Catch me when I was trying to be cool, that is.

He suddenly turned serious, or, as we all used to joke in school, back into ‘Remus mode’. "Here, I should give you this." He extracted some papers from his bag and handed them to me.

"They’re your…um…new identity."

I stared at them for a second. "Oh…thanks."

He shuffled his feet. "You’re welcome."

I racked my brains for something to say. "Uh…do you want…something to drink?" Inwardly, I groaned. That was probably one of the stupidest thing I’d ever said.

Remus smiled. Granted, it looked strained and incredibly false but he did smile. "I can’t right now…maybe some other time?" Well…at least he was polite about it.

I just nodded before showing him to the door and closing it firmly behind him. Would I spend the rest of my life paying for mistakes I’d made before I’d reached my twenty-first birthday?

*****

‘This is pointless.’ Was my only thought as I sat opposite a rather pompous red-headed young man, who was attempting to explain exactly what my job would entail.

"-and of course, receiving and processing the owls from other countries is most important, in order to maintain the sort of contact that is profitable to us." What language was he speaking?

I nodded, hoping I looked intelligent. After that, however, I had to struggle to keep my eyes open as he droned on and on and on.

"That will be all. Do you have any questions?"

I stared at him blankly. "…no…thank you."

He smiled importantly. "Well then, please, allow me to show you to your cubicle."

I followed him out the door (his office was really nice, now that I think about it…) and into an empty wooden cubicle.

"Everything you need will be brought in later by Charles Winford. He’s one of the janitors here, you see. If you need anything else, please don’t hesitate to ask." He gave me that condescending smile again and I suddenly had an urge to slap him.

"Thank you, Mr. Weasley," I said, as he made his way towards the door. He barely acknowledged me before returning to his office.

I sat down at my desk and glanced around. It was small; very small. But then, so was this entire department. It was strange to be doing ‘desk-work’ again…the last time had been just after I’d graduated from Hogwarts and it hadn’t exactly gone well. My employer (it was Philip Prewett, in case you were wondering. Highly powerful wizard…not too much of a personality though) absolutely despaired of me. He was more pleased than I was when I got promoted to ‘the patrocin’, which is a stupid name for Aurors who no longer have to do ‘desk-work’.

I opened the folder that Remus had left me. Although there was a lot of paper, the information was surprisingly brief.

Name: Astrea Laqueta (what a mouthful, if you asked me. Why Mundungus couldn’t have come up with an easier one is quite beyond me.)

Age: 27 (I snorted. Yeah…like five years ago)

Height: 5’5 (There is no way in hell that I’m that tall. Why was his estimation so bad?)

Weight: 106lbs (Surely I didn’t look that small. Gosh…no wonder no one ever thought I was an imposing figure.)

Agitated at the lies, I closed the folder and leaned back in my chair. It was one of those incredibly stupid habits that I’d picked up in school. You know…when you lean back in the chair on two legs and pray you don’t fall over and smack your head on the floor. James was absolutely the king of leaning backwards. Peter was usually the one that fell and smacked his head off the floor.

I snapped back to reality when I noticed a large white owl hovering in front of my face. Reaching out, I untied the letter it had attached to its wings and allowed it to fly out the window (as if I could have stopped it anyway).

Lass —

You be damn careful, you hear me? Davidson thinks he’s got proof that she’s a crosser. If that’s the case, I’ll take care of it. I don’t want you going off and getting yourself killed. So don’t be foolish. Just watch her…get to know her routine…the usual. But DO NOT go anywhere with her alone! I’m not kidding, Lassie, so stop rolling your eyes at me (my eye sees you through this parchment… haha).

I snorted at Moody’s idea of a joke and continued reading.

That Lupin boy was over here again today…came looking for you, he did, so I suggest you owl him. Seemed rather worried. Anyway, don’t forget what I’ve told you.

Constant Vigilance,

— Moody

Constant…oh, I should have known. What was I supposed to do with this piece of parchment now? Nevermind…it’s now a pile of ash…how do people do that?!?

*****

It was my fourth day and I’d quickly learned that this was a ‘dead’ department. The only one who even bothered to read their assignments was Percy Weasley, the same man who’d showed me my cubicle on the first day. He was rather bossy and reminded me of Will McLeod, who had been a prefect when I was at school. He was a perfectly nice person…but heck, I never thought I’d meet anyone who was so stuffy and uptight. Moving right along…

As I was saying, this department was boring. There was nothing going on. I was sick of being given reports with titles like Are Glass Phials More Efficient Than Crystal? or Does Brazil Really Have The Best Brass Scales? and having to file them away according to topic (you’d think there’d be a folder for each, wouldn’t you? But no! Each report fell into a number of categories, which meant I spent hours charming each one into doubles or triples).

Standing up carefully on my desk, I could see that there was no one else in the office. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was lunch-time, otherwise known as the time when everyone runs for the doors to escape for an hour. Smirking to myself, I hopped onto the floor and peeked out of my cubicle (just to be sure). It was empty and now that I thought about it, silent too.

Stealthily, I crept to Tatiana Kent’s office (yes, she had her own office…damn pooch…) and slipped inside, closing the door gently behind me. The first thought that struck me was that she was neat. Almost annoyingly so. Every little piece of parchment was stacked meticulously with a really ugly paperweight on the top. Everything was plain. Plain, plain, plain. Rolling my eyes, I sat in her chair (leather…swivel-ly…on wheels…what more could you want, right?) and tugged on the desk drawers. Oh well…I hadn’t really been expecting them to open anyway.

"Alohomora," I muttered quietly. One of them sprung open. One out of seven wasn’t really bad. I rifled through it hurriedly. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. In fact…it seemed a little too ordinary. This department was hardly the Unspeakables…why would she even need to lock her papers away? Papers that talked about cauldron’s and phials and such things?

I muttered a variety of charms, none of which worked. Frustrated, I gave Tatiana’s flowerpot a good hard kick. The only effect it had was to shatter the stupid porcelain pot into about a thousand pieces. And leave a tiny shred of parchment visible, wrapped around the stem of the plant.

Holding my breath, I reached down and pulled the parchment loose with shaking fingers. It looked like part of a note. Written on it, in neat red ink were the words:

Don’t fail me this time. To get to him, we go through them.

What the bloody hell did that mean? I must have sat on the floor staring at that ink for at least five minutes. Hearing footsteps, I hurriedly tied it back around the plant and muttered, "Reparo."

Pushing the chair back in, I made my way to the door and sidled out. As I reached my cubicle, Charles Winford came shuffling out of another office. We stared at each other for a second before returning to what we’d planned to do. It was strange…almost like…we’d both been caught doing something illegal.

‘What was he doing in there?’ I thought, glancing up at the door he had just come out of. ‘That office isn’t used anymore…I don’t think.’

*****

"Ms. Laqueta?"

I whirled around. Charles Winford was standing in the ‘doorway’ (cubicles don’t exactly have doors, but you know what I mean). "Oh…hello, Charles. Something wrong?"

He sighed heavily and for a second, I thought I saw a gleam of malice behind his kind hazel eyes. "Mr. Weasley sent for you. He’s not in his office right now, but he’ll be there in a second."

‘Oh, blast…now what?’ "Oh, okay…thank you."

"He…said it was important."

‘Uh oh…’ Panicking slightly, I thanked him, got to my feet and started towards the Carmine’s office (that’s what the rest of us…well, just me, actually, call him). The office was empty, so I took a seat and prepared to wait for my superior. Well, let me tell you, I waited for ages. Nearly twenty minutes later, the door opened and he walked in.

"Mr. Weasley?" I asked hesitantly, getting to my feet. "You erm… wanted to see me?"

He stared at me. "What are you talking about?" he asked, looking baffled.

I returned his confused look. "Nevermind…I must have…made a mistake." Shaking my head slightly, I stepped out of the office and made my way back to my cubicle. As I sat back down at my desk, I wondered why would Charles have told me Mr. Weasley wanted to see me if he hadn’t?

Chapter 12

"Anything suspicious?"

I stopped dead in the doorway. "Uh, yes Aria, good evening. How are you, Aria? How was your day, Aria? Are you-"

Moody growled and I shut up.

"All right, all right! No, nothing suspicious." I took a seat at the table and stared at the food Moody had just placed on it. Something I couldn’t identify.

"It’s cabbage. Good for the soul," he said gratingly, trying not to smirk and not quite succeeding. "And how do you mean there was nothing suspicious?"

I closed my eyes and tried not to breathe through my nose as I ate the forkful of green mush. "Well…" I swallowed, trying not to gag. "Um…oh yes…I was in Tatiana’s office today and I found a piece of parchment."

Moody looked at me expectantly.

"Right…um…some note going on about how someone shouldn’t fail the person again and something about…getting to him. Kind of strange, if you ask me."

Moody’s brow furrowed. "What the hell kind of note is that?"

I sighed patiently. "Moody, darling, if I’d known, I wouldn’t be thinking it was strange, would I?"

He scowled at me and I shifted. "Don’t patronize me," he muttered.

I rolled my eyes, choosing to ignore his statement. "Well?"

"Hm?"

"Have you done anything useful?" I spelled out.

He shrugged, finishing his cabbage quickly and using his wand to clean the plate. "It’s not that interesting. Just…been making sure Snape doesn’t get caught."

I nodded, knowing that he didn’t yet trust me enough to tell me the truth. "Oh."

"Have you spoken to that Lupin boy yet?"

I snorted. Boy…Remus was hardly a boy. He was over thirty, for Heaven sake! "No…why?"

"Just asking."

I looked at him suspiciously. "Why?" I persisted.

There was a short pause. "Oh, look at the time," he said suddenly, making an over-dramatic gesture with his hands. "I really do have to be going. See you tomorrow!"

"Hey-" He’d already headed out the door. Sighing in frustration, I settled back down to finish my ‘meal.’

No sooner had I sat down then the doorbell rang.

Groaning audibly, I got up and made my way to the front door. "Moody, I don’t understand why the bloody hell you can’t-" I stopped abruptly. "Oh…hi, Remus."

"Aria," he nodded. "I’ve just come to drop some papers off for Alastor."

I stared at him for a second. God…he looked so tired…so worn…I hadn’t even noticed before. "Sure…come in."

He walked purposefully into the kitchen, set the papers down and sat down at the table. And paused. "What the hell is that?!?"

I glanced at the pile of green slime that was slowly coagulating on my plate and made a face. "It’s supposed to be cabbage. Apparently it’s good for the soul," I mimicked Moody’s gruff voice. "Load of-"

"And you’re going to eat that?!?" Remus interrupted incredulously.

I laughed. I don’t really know why, but at the time, it seemed really funny. "Do you want something to drink?"

He opened his mouth to reply.

"Coffee?" I answered my own question.

He looked vaguely surprised but just nodded. I quite like making coffee the Muggle way. It’s more fun. I switched on the kettle and waited for the water to boil.

"How’s the Ministry?"

I got the distinct impression that he was trying to ask me something important and couldn’t quite figure out how to. I turned around and smiled. "It’s good."

"That’s good."

There was a very brief, very awkward pause. "What about your — erm — job."

"It’s been very interesting," he said honestly. "I’ve just gotten in touch with Isabelle Wood. You remember…she was a Healer."

I nodded, dropping a spoonful of coffee beans into a mug. "What’s she been up to?"

Remus shrugged. "She gave up Healing a while ago. But she’s prepared to re-join us."

"That’s good," I said unnecessarily.

"You two worked together, didn’t you?"

I poured the water into the mug, being careful to only fill it three-quarters of the way full. "Yeah, for a while…after I decided I wasn’t really cut out to be an Auror."

"Only took you what? A year and a half to decide that?" I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Oh, shut up," I muttered, turning around to pour some milk into the mug and then placing it in front of him. I sat down opposite him, squirming slightly as he watched me. "What is it?"

"You haven’t changed," he said quietly. "You look…exactly the same…"

That horrible feeling of guilt had resurfaced and was slowly flowing through my entire body. I felt a sudden urge to explain everything to him but all I could manage was hardly even coherent.

"Remus, I’m…I’m so sorry," I said, as loudly as I could. My voice was barely a whisper.

"I know," he said nodding, not looking at me. "Anyway. That isn’t what I came over here for."

I bit my lip as he got up once again, sifting through the papers he’d left for Moody. Why couldn’t anything ever just go my way?

"Here it is," he mumbled, more to himself than to me. "It’s a letter."

"No kidding. I thought it was a toaster."

He shot me a look and as his light-coloured eyes bore into mine, I forced a smile. "It’s from Sirius."

My heart jumped, seeming to beat in an irregular manner. "Really?"

He must have seen the excitement on my face because he started smiling too. "Here."

I took it, willing my hands not to shake. "Is…he okay?" I asked feebly.

He shrugged. "Well, after he completely vandalized the living room, he locked himself in the study and hasn’t come out since."

I blinked. "So…he’s okay then?"

Remus smiled half-heartedly. "He will be. I take it you told him?"

I sat down, gathering Moody’s papers into a neat pile. "Yeah. Stupid of me, wasn’t it?"

Tentatively, he sat back in the seat opposite mine. "No…he had to know."

"Did he? I’m not sure."

Remus shook his head at me. "Yes, he had to know. He’s angry right now but you know Sirius…it’ll blow over and he’ll be fine in a few days."

I laughed bitterly. "Remus, I knew Sirius fourteen years ago." I pushed my chair back from the table. "So don’t pretend like we’re eighteen years old anymore. Because we’re not."

He looked taken aback at this statement. "I know. And I’m not the one pretending."

I rolled my eyes. Remus could argue with anyone, hence the fact that he was better at arguing than anyone else. "More coffee?"

He shook his head but did not get up to leave. "So…how was New York?" he asked in a mild tone, clearly indicating that he felt anything but mild.

Was this yet another mistake I would spend the rest of my natural life apologizing for? "Fine," I replied, rather snappishly too.

He nodded. "Enjoy it, did you?" His words were innocent enough…but his tone was sarcastic. Or was I simply being over-sensitive?

I faltered. Where exactly was he taking this? "Yes, as a matter of fact…I did." Don’t blame me for being able to lie well. It isn’t my fault, truly it isn’t.

He nodded again. "Enjoy it so much that you couldn’t even write?"

I should have known. "Look, if you’re going to harass me about all the stupid things I’ve done, you may as well just leave right now. I know what you’re going to say and I’m sorry, all right?

God, you and Sirius can be so over-bearing! Just give it a bloody rest, would you?!?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I was merely pointing out that you were too busy to write," he said calmly.

I glared at him. "Yes, I’m sure that’s what you were merely doing." I sounded mocking, even to my own ears.

"You’re getting upset," he noted.

I took a deep breath. "Remus, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but please, if you’re going to piss me off then just get out."

He stared at me, as if seeing me for the first time. Then he nodded, getting to his feet, an almost disbelieving look on his still-handsome face. "Don’t be too angry at Sirius…you just surprised him, is all."

I tugged open the front door, looking at it pointedly. "I surprised him? Just go, all right? I’m not in the mood to talk to you right now."

He caught my arm as I started back towards the kitchen. "We’ve all been living in hell," he said softly. "So…don’t think I don’t understand what you’ve been going through. And…I’m glad you’re back," he added as an afterthought.

I pulled away from him. "Goodbye, Remus," I said curtly.

*****

I waited for perhaps five minutes before practically running into the kitchen and snatching up Sirius’ letter. I held it between shaking fingers. What if…what if it was a ‘negative’ note? What if he honestly didn’t care at all? After waiting so long to see him again…I would die if he said he didn’t care.

‘But why should I care?’ It was so strange…every single part of me was begging to care about him…and then there was something else…telling me that I shouldn’t. That it had been too long, that too much had happened, that everything had changed too much.

Slowly, I slid one finger under the flap and opened it.

Dear Aria, [‘How formal,’ I thought, feeling uneasy.]

I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to write down here. First…I guess, I’m sorry for walking out on you. That was wrong and stupid of me, so I’m sorry. Next…I feel betrayed by you. I have all these questions to ask you…like why you didn’t trust me or love me enough to tell me something that would have changed both our lives. Or why you even bothered to tell me now. I never…ever expected you to tell me everything about your life. I understand that you needed to keep some things to yourself…but can’t you get it? We should have been able to tell each other anything. Before we were lovers, we were best friends. And I just wish we could have stayed that way when our relationship changed. [I snorted at his choice of words…but Sirius had always had a rather poetic way of writing.] I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry…that I’ve missed you…and for the time we were together, I loved you more than anything. I want to talk to you but I’ll wait until you’re ready. Just don’t make me wait too long! [I nearly smiled at his lame attempt at humour.] I’m just kidding…I’d probably wait until time ended for you.

Love you Love from Sincerely,

Sirius

That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. I felt strangely empty and strangely fulfilled at the same time.

And then I started to laugh. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I held onto the counter and positively howled with laughter. I had been living a horribly miserable existence. I was a complete loser. I had no friends. I had run away. I was really really…well…dumb. I hadn’t lived in fourteen years. I had the urge to something silly…and crazy, just because I could. Dropping the letter onto the counter, I pulled back on my shoes and started out the door, having absolutely no idea where I was going.

It was slightly chilly outside and I kicked myself for forgetting my coat. I wrapped my arms around myself and kept walking. I found myself outside the Ministry building. Shrugging to myself, I figured it couldn’t hurt to step back inside and finish the Carmine’s (also known as Percy Weasley) bloody report on imported books.

I’d only just gotten settled again when all the lights went out. Oh, for Heaven’s sake…

I was fully ready to grab my wand and mutter, "Lumos," but something held me back. I didn’t know what it was until I heard voices echoing down the hall and a faint beam of wand-light flittering across the way.

"There is nothing mysterious going on around here!" A man’s voice — low and very deep.

"Well, how was I supposed to know? I just assumed, after all! You try taking…" This one was a woman and she sounded incredibly angry. I couldn’t catch her last words and leaned a little closer to listen.

"Keep your damn voice down!" he snarled.

"Or what?"

"Don’t tempt me Giulianna…"

"And don’t draw out my name like that!" she snapped, irritated. "I’m telling you, there’s nothing here to find! It’s a damn waste of our time, is what it is!"

"You’d better keep working on disguising that bloody accent of yours!" the man retorted. "You sound positively Irish right now."

There was a pause and then the woman spoke again, this time in a perfect English accent. "Sorry, sir." She sounded like she was mocking him. "Anyway, I’m telling you…there’s nothing here to find and nothing to look at either. I can’t believe you’ve got me in this department! Can’t you pull some strings or something?"

"You wanted a job, I gave you one. Now stop complaining. If we can find the passwords to the files here, then it’ll be no problem getting into the Ministry’s filing cabinets."

"Oh yes, none at all," the woman responded sarcastically. I stifled a giggle. They sounded like an old, married couple. There was another pause and then, "Thomas…I sincerely hope you don’t think you’re going to find them anywhere in here. Not only does this department have absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort but, please…give the people some credit…why would they write the passwords down and leave them lying around?"

"Well, that shows how much you know then, doesn’t it?" came the man’s voice, sounding over-triumphant, rather like Sirius when we were young. "I’ve found them."

I had to catch them before they left. If he had found the passwords to the Ministry’s filing cabinet, then there could be a rather huge problem for every single person in the world, depending whose side they were on. My thoughts paused. How could the passwords simply have been left lying around? That didn’t make any sense at all. Not only were the passwords changed regularly, but only certain people (like the Minister) were permitted to have them…and you had to know where the filing room was. It was impossible to find unless you knew where its location.

"Are you sure?"

I stood up, making sure I had a firm grip on my wand.

The man chuckled. "Naw…just kidding. I don’t think we’re going to find them here. But…" he started when he heard the woman begin to tell him she’d known that all along, "that doesn’t necessarily mean that someone who works here can’t tell us what the passwords are."

"And, WHY would they reveal them to us, even if they did know them?" she asked tiredly.

The man paused, obviously considering this. "Erm…"

"Right, that’s what I thought."

"Giulianna…calm down, for God’s sake. There are ways. Besides…you still watching that Winford character?"

"Charles?" she asked blankly. "Yes…why?"

"I bet you anything he knows."

She snorted. "Thomas, you’re acting like a complete moron. Charles doesn’t know anything. I don’t think anyone here knows anything either, except that old fool, Plumbeus and he’s hardly ever here!"

I hid a smile. Mr. Plumbeus was Percy Weasley’s boss. The Boss of the Boss, if you will. He was a blithering idiot and the only reason our department was still running was because of the Red-Head.

"Fine, Giuli…fine…but may I remind you that we’re just trying to stop a war here?"

My ears perked up and I felt my heartbeat speed up.

"I know. But what if we’re doing this from the wrong angle completely? What if we mess it up so badly that Voldemort…wins?"

There was silence. I hardly dared to breathe.

"He won’t," the man — Thomas — said savagely. "It doesn’t matter if the Ministry’s turning a blind eye…we aren’t and if no one else is listening then we have to do it ourselves."

"Fine," Giulianna muttered. "But if we mess up, the blood’s on our hands."

"No," Thomas said quietly. "We won’t mess up. We can’t afford to. Didn’t you hear what happened during the Tournament at Hogwarts? A student died. A child died. If we want a damn future in this world, we cannot afford to screw this up. We’re going to find a way into those Ministry files if it kills us. There are ancient curses, texts, magic that isn’t even used anymore in there. The names of every single wizard in Britain and what Order they belong to are in those files. We have to get them, no matter what."

She sighed. "You’re right, of course. But it’s so dangerous…"

"No kidding," he replied wryly. "But that’s what makes it fun. Now, just trust me, all right?"

The wand light was extinguished and the two disappeared down the stairs. I shook my head and stepped out of my cubicle, crashing into something. It was pitch-black and on instinct, I slipped back into my cubicle, whipping my wand out and holding it in front of me.

"Lumos," I heard someone mutter.

‘Mr. Plumbeus? What the hell is he doing here? I thought he was in Wales!’

"Is there someone there?" he called out.

I bit my lip, pressing myself against the wall and sliding down it, hiding myself under the desk.

"Hello?" He called again.

I closed my eyes, trying to stop my hands from shaking. I wasn’t sure why I was hiding…but something struck me as very strange…where had he been when those two people — Giulianna and Thomas — had been talking? And furthermore…who the heck were they?

I heard him whistling to himself before the door was slammed shut and locked. Sighing to myself, I sat up, opened the backdoor and ran like the wind.

*****

I stepped into the house, half-expecting Moody to jump out of the shadows ranting and raving about ‘constant vigilance’ and how one ‘couldn’t live without it.’ I was therefore pleasantly surprised to find that the house was as dark and empty as it had been hours before.

I was now incredibly bored. It was a strange feeling…for so long, I had absolutely refused to let myself become bored…to let myself miss out. And now…I found it strange to just sit down and have absolutely nothing to do.

"Walsh?"

Inwardly, I groaned. I’d just sat down and Mundungus Fletcher was in the fire. Again. "Hi Fletcher," I greeted dully. Granted, I didn’t have anything to do…but that didn’t mean I wanted something to do.

"Good, you’re here," he said, sounding relieved. "I’m pulling you off the Ministry job."

I stared at him. "You’re…what?" After what I’d just heard?!? I wanted to know what they were talking about and how can I find that out if he goes and pulls me off the assignment?!?

"It’s too dangerous. But I’ve-"

"Am I not qualified enough to shadow Potentials now or something?"

"Of course you are but-"

"Then why are you pulling me off the assignment? I’m fully qualified to follow people around, you know!"

"I never said-"

"I might not be the best person for surprise attacks or whatever it is the rest of you do, but I can handle the simple stuff, for God’s sake! Why does everyone think I’m completely incompetent?!?" I was practically on the verge of telling him he was being…well…really mean.

"Walsh!" he snapped, cutting me off before I could say anything more, hence further embarrassing myself. "Fine, fine. Stay on the Ministry Job and get yourself killed for all I care. But you’re going to be even more busy then. There’s more research to be done on those confounded symbols… another one appeared this afternoon in Wales. Strange though…no bodies this time… no one missing…nothing out of place…anyway, Arabella will be sending the new symbol and some books for you to research out of."

I tried to keep my face neutral…damnit, and I thought I’d gotten rid of those stupid things. "Is that everything?"

He shook his head. "Nah…one more thing for you to do…how are your Healing Skills?"

I paused, slightly bewildered at his change in subject. "Rusty?"

"Yes, I figured they would be." He had that superior smile on his face again and it was all I could do to keep from rolling my eyes. "You’ll also be apparating down to Dover every evening." He seemed to take it for granted that I knew the reasons behind this.

"Would it be completely absurd to ask why I have to run the risk of splinching myself just to get to Dover every — single — day?"

"You’re going to work as a Healer in one of the dinky little camps we’ve set up there." He gave a ridiculous-sounding giggle. "I think it’ll be interesting, to say the least."

I rolled my eyes. "Have you been drinking?" I inquired innocently.

He immediately turned serious again. "Not at all…I just think it’s going to be really funny to see how you fare under those kinds of conditions." With that, his head disappeared, although I could still hear his laughter echoing in the fireplace.

I dropped back onto the couch, closing my eyes and sighing heavily. Oh, DAMN! Dover…Healing…despite the fact that I’d have to apparate such a ‘long’ distance, I was starting to get the first risings of excitement in my stomach. Healing…was something I could do. And damnit, I hadn’t been too bad either.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?!?" Moody’s voice was slightly annoyed and I jumped, suddenly noticing that I was sitting all alone in the dark.

"Hi," I mumbled as he turned the lights on. I blinked. "You’re back."

"I nearly hexed you!" he snapped, sounding rather ticked off. "Why are you sitting in the dark?"

"So now I can’t even sit in this room without the lights on? Maybe you should stop being such a nutcase," I said calmly.

He stared at me with a funny expression on his face. "You’ve got to be careful," he said, his voice gruffer than usual. "You can never be too sure…"

"Moody, stop treating me like a little child! I know how to take care of myself!"

"Yes, that’s what Krys used to say too!"

I winced. He was shouting at me and let me tell you, having a man that disfigured yelling at you is really unsettling. "Why are you bringing Chris into this? And who the hell is Chris anyway?"

"Krys," he said, growling each word, "was my wife."

He turned and stalked out of the room before I could even think of a reply. ‘Oh my God.’

I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I’d never heard Moody mention his wife by name before. Tentatively, I made my way to the platform, swallowing hard before stepping onto it.

Moody was hunched over beside the fireplace.

I chewed nervously on my lip. "I-I’m sorry," I said softly. "I didn’t mean…that you were a nutcase…I was just saying that-"

"Oh, Lass, it’s okay, forget about it."

His eyes were fixed on something in his left hand. A photograph. "It…it wasn’t your fault, you know."

Moody’s head shot up and he narrowed both his eyes at me. He didn’t say anything so I kept talking.

"You’ve got that look…in your eyes…eye," I corrected with a small smirk. "It wasn’t your fault."

He looked away. "I know that, Lassie," he said, his voice low. "I’ve known that for years. There was nothing I could have done."

I stared at him sadly. "But you don’t believe it." I sighed heavily, leaning against the cold, stone wall. "…it’s like…even when you know you couldn’t have done anything, something’s telling you that you could’ve."

"No," he said firmly. "There was nothing I could have done."

"I know," I said mildly. "And you know that too," I added, as an afterthought. "Doesn’t make believing it any easier, though."

He was silent.

"I doubt very much," I started quietly, "that your daughter…or Krys ever blamed you for what happened."

More silence. "Black loves you very much, you know," he said abruptly.

I stared at him. "What makes you say that?"

Moody glanced up at me. "It’s written all over his eyes, Lassie," he said smiling slightly. "I don’t know why you can’t both just forget the unimportant stuff and live for the now."

I wondered how to respond to this one. "Our past is very complicated." Is the statement I settled with.

"Pish tosh," Moody said, almost automatically. "What good reason could there possibly for two people who love each other not to be together?"

"If one of them’s married?" I ventured.

He snorted. "If one of them’s married, they shouldn’t be messing about in the first place."

I tried to hide my smile but it didn’t work.

He turned serious again. "Loving someone is hard, Lassie…but no one ever said it was going to be easy."

"Was before."

His mouth twitched. "Love changes," he said shortly. "But you cannot sit there and tell me you can suddenly not love someone anymore. It doesn’t work like that."

I hated it when people were right.

Moody got to his foot and started for the platform, leaving me staring into flames that were starting to make me slightly dizzy. "Is he worth it, Lassie?"

I couldn’t reply. And even if I could have…what would I have said?