The Unknown Want

By Honeychurch & Lallybroch

Chapter One

--Walt Whitman "Out of The Cradle Endlessly Rocking"

Sirius bounded forward on all fours, and fell onto his back, legs in the air. Harry shrieked with laughter, and pounded his little hands on his godfather’s belly. From her place on the couch, Lily laughed at them and stuck her feet into James’s lap in a silent demand for a foot rub. 

Twilight stained the room in Godric’s Hollow a soft blue, and the waning moon shone through the windows. Remus sighed, content and drowsy. They’d spent the entire day working in Lily’s enormous garden, and he felt pleasantly sore and ready for sleep. Peter, sitting in the armchair opposite him, was already snoring slightly.  He loved evenings like this, all of them together, all of them still safe.  He just didn’t understand how Sirius had energy left to cavort with a toddler.  

"Up!" Harry threw his arms into the air and looked at Sirius expectantly. Sirius sat up, looking guiltily from Harry to Lily.  Unaware of his godfather’s unease, Harry repeated his request loudly. "Up!"

Sirius glanced at Lily questioningly.

Lily’s eyes narrowed. "No. Absolutely not."

His face fell.  "Don’t you trust me?"

"Oh, honestly." Lily exclaimed exasperatedly.

Remus grinned. The battle was already lost. Lily would never be able to resist the combined charms of Sirius Black and her son. Remus reached for his butterbeer and settled back to enjoy the show.

"Up?" Harry repeated. 

Sirius shook his head. "Sorry mate. Your mum says no."

Harry’s lower lip began to tremble, and the brilliant green eyes he turned to his mother were brimmed with tears.

Sirius’ lower lip came out as well, and he sat up on his knees next to Harry. "Please Lily?"

"James! Help!" Lily turned to her husband sprawled on the couch next her, laughing.

He waved his hands in protest. "Don’t look at me!"

Lily looked from James to Harry and Sirius who were gazing at her pleadingly. She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine. But not too high."

Sirius winked at her as he pulled his wand from his pocket.  "Wingardum Leviosa!" Slowly, Harry began to rise into the air. Directing the movement with his wand, Sirius moved the toddler in a series of dips and rotations, with Harry squealing in delight the entire time. James threw an arm around his wife, who was laughing along with her son.  Harry waved a tiny hand at his smiling parents, who waved back.  Finally, Sirius lowered him to the ground. Harry yawned and rubbed his eyes.

Lily leaned forward. "I think it’s time for bed."

Sirius lay down next him on the floor.  "What do you think Harry? Wanna sleep on the floor with me?"  Placing his hands under his head, he shut his eyes. Harry hesitated for a moment, and then crawled across the floor toward Sirius.  He lay his head down on the outstretched arm and closed his eyes.  He fell asleep almost immediately.  Soon Sirius’ loud snores bore testament to the fact that he had fallen asleep as well. 

"Caught in his own trap," said Remus in amusement. 

James laughed. "He’s got the right idea, though. It’s definitely bedtime. Somebody prod Peter and send him home.  He’ll get a neck cramp if he spends the night in that chair."

Lily got up from the couch and stretched lazily. "Do you want to bring Harry upstairs, James? Remus and I can take care of the other two babies."

James scooped a sleepy Harry from the ground.  He settled his son onto his shoulder, and Harry curled his arm around James’ neck.  Lily smoothed the shock of black hair back from Harry’s eyes and reached up to do the same to her husband.  James smiled at her before turning to climb the stairs.

Something wrenched in Remus’s heart as he watched them. They had such an easy affection together; the highest place in each other’s hearts, and they both knew it.

Unconsciously, his eyes dropped to the sleeping man on the floor.  He didn’t envy James and Lily. Their happiness was one of the things that brought him contentment, but it still hurt sometimes to know that he’d never have what they did.  That he couldn’t even tell him.

It was harder now than it used to be, he thought, watching Sirius breathe quietly in sleep. His black hair was tousled from Harry’s small hands, and his robes were in disarray. He looked like a child fallen asleep in the middle of play.  There were more moments like this now, where it was a physical pain not to be able to stretch out beside him, smooth his crumpled hair, and kiss him awake.  In spite of himself, Remus felt the corner of his mouth twitch, imagining Padfoot’s reaction to that.  Even unrequited love had its moments of levity.  

"Remus?" Lily’s soft voice broke into his thoughts. Startled, he tore his gaze from Sirius and looked up to find Lily leaning against the open doorway to the kitchen.

Her green eyes were sympathetic, and he tried to smile in reassurance. It didn’t bother him that Lily knew how he felt about his best friend; in fact, it was a relief to him that the knowledge belonged to someone else other than himself.  He’d never actually talked to her about it, and she’d never broached the subject with him.  But she knew somehow- she’d known for years.

"I should probably wake him up and haul him home," he said, his voice light but controlled.  She smiled back, the understanding in her eyes was unmistakable, and he could feel the warm of her sympathy from across the room. 

"No progress getting them to their own beds, yet?" James’s head poked around Lily’s shoulder. "Wormtail is always nearly impossible to wake up, but surely you could have just kicked Padfoot awake."  He walked over to Peter and wiggled his shoulder. "Oi, you there! You’re drooling on the upholstery."

Peter grunted and muttered, "I’m not asleep, I can hear every word you say," before turning his face in the other direction and resuming his snores.

James snorted. "Well, we offered him the easy way out. It’s time for more drastic methods." His eyes gleamed with mischief as he headed for the kitchen.

"James, whatever you’re planning, NO." Lily moved to intercept her husband.

"I can’t believe I’m going to leave before the show starts, but I think I’m going to roust Sirius and head out," said Remus, grateful that his mood had been broken.

"Your loss," said James cheerfully, and dodged under Lily’s arm and into the kitchen.

"James!" Lily started to follow him from the room but stopped just inside the door. She turned back to Remus.  "Take care Remus. I wish…" but she stopped as

Remus suddenly stood. 

"I will. Thanks for a lovely evening."

She nodded and left the room. 

Remus stood over Sirius for a moment, looking down at the prone figure of his friend.

"Hey, Sirius." Remus nudged him with his toe. "Wake up."  Sirius rubbed his face into the rug a little and sighed.

***

Remus sat alone in the darkened living room, staring into the dying embers of the fire.  His ears picked up the distant rumble of thunder and a moment later, the soft pattering of rain on slate rooftops. It was appropriate weather, he supposed. Melancholy rain for a melancholy mood. Sirius had gone out almost immediately after they’d gotten home, and briefly, Remus wondered who he was meeting.  He hadn’t asked, he usually didn’t.  He told himself it was because he didn’t care, but that was, of course, a lie.  Remus rubbed a hand across his rough jaw and sighed. The bottle of Drambuie Sirius kept in the cupboard was sounding extremely tempting. Suddenly, the fading light of the fire exploded in a smoky flash, startling Remus into a standing position.  Albus Dumbledore’s head floated in the flames. 

"Remus? Are you there?"

"Yes. I’m here, Professor." Remus moved closer to the fireplace, and knelt next to the gate. "What’s happened."

The head nodded grimly. "There’s been another attack."

Remus felt his heart skip. "Lily, Ja-, " he started, before the Professor cut him off.

"No. It was the Bones". And it was…very bad.  One of the Death Eaters was captured…and I’d like you to be present at his questioning. Please hurry."

"I’ll be right there, Professor." The brilliant fire faded, leaving only smoldering embers. He stood, and brushed the cinders from his trousers, as he tried to remember the Bones’. They were Aurors, he thought. Or…had been. And if he remembered correctly, they had a little girl around Harry’s age.  Harry…his heart thumped as he tried to imagine what James and Lily must be going through, their little family in the center of a whirlwind. How long before it swallowed them whole?  The wind howled through the eaves, startling Remus from his thoughts.  An uneasy sensation settled into his stomach as he Apparated into the night.

***

One half of the room was bathed in brilliant light, placing the dark, slumped figure in stark contrast.  The only interruption of black and white were the luminous green bands encircling the man’s chest, torso, and wrists.  The tremulous and shimmering magical wall gave off a slight humming sound, giving hypnotizing testament to the powerful current flowing through its beautiful veneer.  Remus had not stepped fully into the room when the hairs on the back of his neck began to rise.  As the door swung closed behind them, Remus tensed. Even in human form, his nose had a heightened sense of awareness, and the room contained an unmistakable pungent aroma.

Now he understood why Dumbledore wanted him here.  The smell was growing stronger. Slowly the dark figure began to stir.  Raising his head, the man’s face came into full relief.  The mouth was bruised and swollen, blood running from both corners.  The area around the eyes was mottled, and one eye was almost completely closed but they were clear and alert.  As the silver-grey eyes met Lupin’s he felt a growl rise in his throat.  The man’s swollen lips twisted into a grotesque sneer.  Lupin stepped back from the barrier, never taking his eyes from the Death Eater.

"He’s a werewolf."

"Are you sure?"

Remus answered with a grim smile.  "You’re going to need stronger restraints."

Remus’ statement sent the room into a flurry of activity.  Several wizards appeared to reinforce the bonds with a series of strengthening spells.  An additional restraint had been added; a manacle of silver placed around the man’s neck.  Remus couldn’t help wincing as the collar burned and bit into the man’s flesh.  It gleamed dully at him amid the bloodied and blistered skin.  He had sent everyone from the room, and now a tense silence pressed in from all sides.

It was Remus who finally broke the silence.  "What is your name?"

The man stared unblinkingly back at him.

He asked again, sharper.  "What is your name?"

"Miles Griffon." The voice was raspy and brittle.  "And yours?"

"Remus Lupin."

Griffon gave a scratchy laugh. "How appropriate." 

"If you give us names, perhaps they’ll go easier on you at your trial."

Griffon’s laugh was sharp and harsh.  "I’m not going to have a trial Remus.  You know that. They don’t send werewolves to Azkaban."

" You’ll get a trial just like everyone else. We don’t operate the way Voldemort does."

A scowl crossed Griffon’s face. "We?" he spat. "If your friends knew the truth about you we’d be sharing a cell right now.  You’re a Dark creature, Remus. You should be serving a Dark master."

"I prefer not to serve a master at all, thank you."

"But you already do, Remus. You’re a slave to the beast inside you. You’ve spent your entire life inventing a facade of control, desperately convincing yourself that you maintain dominion over the wolf."

"Do not presume to know me, or who I am!" Remus snarled.

"But I do know you, Remus. I was like you once. Living a half-life masked by the illusion of control, only to have the illusion shattered by each full moon. Each day a curse… but that’s where I was wrong. It’s a gift, Remus. A gift to be savored and enjoyed."

"Did you enjoy what you did last night?" He was afraid to hear the answer. 

"Oh yes." The obvious satisfaction made Remus’ stomach twist.

***

His eyes weren’t really focussing on anything in the pub except for the single shot of Firewhiskey sitting on the table in front of him. The cadence of Sirius’s voice stood out from the cacophony of voices around him, but the words eluded him, as if Padfoot’s monologue was in a language he couldn’t understand.

Remus shut his eyes for a long moment.  He didn’t want to be here, in a noisy, smoky, crowded pub.  He was tired of breathing everyone else’s air, and the walls of the pub were suddenly closing in on him.  It was a struggle to breathe in here, and it wasn’t just the smoke, or the funk of too many people in too small a space.  The wolf senses were too strong tonight, and he couldn’t ignore them. He could sense them all individually; smell the intimate details of their lives.  He had no right to be here, pretending to be one of them, their eyes all passing over him as if he belonged. How had he ever mingled with them comfortably? He’d begun to believe his own lie, that’s what happened, he thought bitterly. Somehow, he’d forgotten that he wasn’t human.

"She’s really nice, Moony. She’s very…kind. And pretty.  You’ve only met her a couple of times, and it seemed like maybe you didn’t like her all that much, but she’s one of those people who really grow on you."

Remus grunted absently.

"And I really like her company. She’s very relaxing to be around."

Remus nodded, and pushed his glass around the table.  Sirius had been dating Natalia for a few months now.  He’d only met her a couple of times.  It wasn’t as if he was objective on this subject, but she seemed pleasant enough. He didn’t know anything about her, really.

"I haven’t bought a ring or anything yet."

You’re a slave to the beast inside you. Remus was back in a small room at the ministry, and the smell of another werewolf stung his nostrils.  He shook his head slightly and tried to concentrate. "What does she do at the Ministry?"

"I don’t know. Something in some international office there."

"Oh." He couldn’t think of anywhere else to go from there. God, he was tired. If he had any hope of sleep tonight, he’d go home to bed, but as he was sure that he’d be up all night anyway, he might as well stay and listen to Sirius’s prattle.

"…I look at James and Lily and I wonder how they manage to be so happy.  I mean, knowing that Voldemort is targeting them. But they don’t regret getting married, right?"

Remus downed his Firewhiskey and sat back in his chair. "Padfoot, what are you trying to tell me here?" He finally tuned into the conversation. "You’re going to propose to Natalia?"

There was silence at the table.

"That’s what I’ve been saying for the past half hour, Moony. Where have you been?"

"I’m sorry. I’m a little preoccupied."

"So what do you think?"

Remus fought the urge to lay his head down on the table. He couldn’t believe this. He had just had one of the worst days ever in a life that encompassed quite a few very bad days, and he was now being forced to give Sirius advice about his love life.

"This is sudden, isn’t it?" he didn’t trust himself to say any more.

"We’ve been going out for five months now. That’s not too sudden. Do you think it’s too sudden?" Sirius’s voice was tinged with worry.

"No, I suppose not," He was too weary to do this tonight. "I’m sorry, Sirius. I’m probably not the right person to ask for advice about this."

Sirius surveyed him from across the table. "I know that this afternoon was strange for you, but it was just a coincidence. That he happened to be a werewolf.  There’s no deeper meaning in it.  It doesn’t have anything to do with you."

"It doesn’t have anything to do with me?" Remus’s voice was sharp, and incredulous.

Sirius looked taken aback for a moment.  Remus rarely raised his voice, and never in public.  He recovered quickly, though, and tried out a crooked half-smile- one of his most charming. "Hell, no, Moony.  It’s just one of those things- like having an asshole for an uncle, or having bunch of jerks join a club you belong to. You shouldn’t worry about it."

Remus jerked his head up and looked around the bar for a distraction. There was a haze over his vision that a single shot of Firewhiskey couldn’t account for. Sirius was trying to handle him again. It wasn’t just that Sirius always relied on his charm, which he did, but that he had a special brand of charm, a separate set of tactics that he’d developed to use only on him. He knew his weaknesses and how to play on them, just like a lover. It wasn’t fair, thought Remus irrationally. It wasn’t fair that he could be entirely oblivious and completely attuned to him at the same time.

"Don’t," he said irritably.

"I wish you would talk to me," Sirius said.  His face was earnest and concerned.  "You’re a private person. I know. I respect that. But there’s something… different about the way you aren’t talking lately."

Remus could think of nothing to say.  He picked up his empty glass and put it back down. "This is just a bad night, Padfoot. I’m sorry. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.  Congratulations on Natalia. I’m really happy for you."

"What did he say to you?"

"What?"

"Come on, Moony.  What did Griffon say that got you this upset?"

He sighed. "Drop it. Please."

"Fine." There was another longish stretch of silence.

"What were you saying earlier?"

Sirius shrugged.  "We don’t have to talk about that."

"No, I’m sorry. You were saying something about James and Lily?"

Sirius accepted the change of subject.  "I was saying that I didn’t know if it was the right time to be thinking about getting married and starting a family." 

"Because of Voldemort."

"Yeah."  His eyes grew troubled. "There’s a war going on, and we know it, even if everyone else hasn’t caught on yet."

Remus nodded.

"I respect what Prongs and Lily are doing, trying to carve out some normalcy in this, and just live their lives." He took a drink from the glass of bitter in front of him. "But I don’t know if I can do that. Not now.  Because… it would divide my focus too much, and now isn’t the time to be selfish."

"You don’t think they’re selfish for getting married and having Harry, I know you don’t." Remus wasn’t entirely sure where Sirius was going with this.

"No, no.  But they did it for different reasons–I mean, they were James and Lily. They couldn’t not get married. And we were younger."

"You’re barely twenty-four, Sirius."

"I don’t mean that. I mean…it wasn’t as bad. The Giants hadn’t joined him yet, or any of the other Dark creatures." He paused. "Today wouldn’t have happened then." 

You should be serving a Dark master. Griffon’s bloodied face swam in front of his eyes. The smells of the bar swirled around Remus stronger than ever. He was part of it, part of the growing chaos.  It didn’t matter that he had no choice in it- the darkness was inside him. Already part of him. Rising panic choked him. He had to get out of here. He pushed himself up from the table so quickly his chair shot into the wall behind him.

"Moony?" Sirius stretched out a hand, but the look in Remus’s eyes stopped him.

"I think sometimes that you forget I’m a Dark creature, Padfoot. But I never do." He made his way blindly to the door, and didn’t notice Sirius’s troubled face as he watched him leave.