Just a short note that I'll put in here so there's no confusion. There's three points of view in this story and they're very clearly labeled so I hope no one's confused about that. Also, this story is an accompanying piece to a couple of my other stories but it can be read as a stand-alone.
The Bitter Sting Of Tears
~Aria Walsh~
"Throw some effort into it, Walsh!"
I bit back the retort that was on the tip of my tongue and continued to try focusing my energy on the bug in front of me.
"Come on...stop trying to kill it and kill it!"
Sweat dripped off my forehead but I kept my wand steady. All I needed now was for it to waver and Trahern would never let me hear the end of it.
The glass jar surrounding the bug shattered, sending shards flying in all directions. "Damnit."
Trahern shook his head, looking disappointed. "Thats it for today." He sounded emotionally drained, which was hardly possible, considering all hed been doing involved standing on his chair and yelling at me.
I sighed thankfully.
"Be back here tomorrow. Five. AM."
I just nodded. The second he left the room, closing the heavy iron door behind him, I slumped into a chair, not for the first time wondering why I was doing this. Oh, of course, I knew. I just didnt know.
Which sounds utterly stupid, I know. I got into this thing, being an Auror, to keep an eye on Sirius, who doesnt actually need an eye kept on him. Hes much better than I am and lets face it, I suck and probably always will. Today was yet another spent on the Killing Curse. Avada Kedavra. The name alone made me shiver. It was so...final. Too final.
Id done surprisingly well with the other curses and hexes, only finding problems with the Unforgivables. Oh, I hated them. They were so cruel; too cruel to use on another human being. But Death Eaters used them all the time and the Ministry (Crouch, that is) felt that the only way to be able to fight them was to use them. I suppose that somewhere along the way, he forgot that using any of the Unforgivables on another human being automatically earned a life sentence in Azkaban.
Making a face at the wall, I pulled myself up, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Lord, I was tired.
*****
"Ri? Ri?" Someone was shaking me lightly, whispering my name over and over again.
"Sirius?" I asked sleepily.
"Whats the matter?" he asked, sounding slightly frantic.
My eyes opened. "Im sorry?"
"Whats wrong?"
"What do you mean?"
"I walked in and you were lying on the ground," he elaborated. "I moved you to the bed and you still wouldnt wake up. Whats wrong?"
I forced myself to sit up and then fell back down with a groan. "Tired."
He sat on the edge of the bed, eyeing me warily.
"What time is it?"
"Three."
"Afternoon?"
"Morning."
I stared at him and sighed, looking away quickly. "I see."
"Dont start that again."
"Im not starting anything, Sirius."
"Aria..." he said warningly, "this is not a good time."
"It never is."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
I shrugged tiredly. "That you never want to talk about the problems that we are so obviously having."
"We are not having problems!"
"That why youve been coming in past midnight for over a month? Is that why youve been sleeping on the couch? Is that why we never see each other? Sirius, for Heavens sake!"
I expected him to yell right back but he didnt. Not this time. "Dont do this."
I pushed him away and slid off the bed. "Im not doing anything. And thats why you like it, isnt it, Sirius? The dumb girl who never argues. The stupid girl who will stay no matter what. The fool who can never get anything right."
He caught my arm as I made to leave. "I dont think that!"
"Dont touch me."
Stubborn as always, Sirius refused to let go. "I dont think that," he said again, lowering his voice by ten decibels.
"Yeah, well you should."
He followed me into the kitchen and leaned against the table, watching me. "What happened?"
I let the tap run cold water over my fingers. "Nothing. Nothing happened."
"Trahern do something to you? He upset you?"
I glanced at him. "And what if he did, Sirius? Youd play the big man and beat him up for me?"
A pause.
"Why are you acting like this?"
Truthfully, I didnt know. I was just in a bad mood and Sirius was there for me to take it out on. Unfair, I know, but the price you pay when you live with someone voluntarily. "If you dont like it, you know where the front door is." Ugh, I didnt mean that. Whenever Sirius and I fight, I end up saying things I dont mean. We both do, I suppose. Hurtful, cruel comments and we cant seem to stop.
"Fine." He picked up his leather jacket and a minute later, the front door slammed. A minute after that, I heard his motorbike start.
I leaned over the sink and closed my eyes. Fight number fourteen for the week.
*****
"Come on, Walsh! Concentrate!"
I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore him. Five jars. Five bugs. Easy enough. Where the hell is Sirius?
"Damnit, Walsh, I said concentrate!" He didnt come back. "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"
Just kill the bug...kill the damn bug and hell shut up, I thought savagely.
"Dont just stare at it! Perform the damn curse!" I hope he went to James...if he got plastered and ended up passed out somewhere... "What are you waiting for? The end of the world? Cause the way youre going, you might just see it!"
"Avada Kedavra," I muttered. The glass didnt even crack.
"Try coN-ceN-trayte-ING!" he bellowed, sounding out each syllable. "Are you listening to me? I want you to concentrate!"
"Yeah, I can hear you!" I snapped, slamming one glass jar into the wall with a disarming spell. Funny how that works, isnt it?
Trahern stood stock still, still huffing and puffing, his face red. "What did you say?" he asked in a dangerous whisper.
"I said, I heard you," I said between clenched teeth. "Barking in my ear is not helping my concentration."
"Are you getting smart with me?"
"No, Im just stating the obvious!" I shouted back, past the point of reasoning and understanding that yelling at my superior really wasnt what I should have been doing. "And the obvious is that when youre howling like a goddamn banshee, the entire population of Tibet can hear you!"
"Remember who youre talking to-"
"WHY?!? Is it going to help me somewhere along the way? Is it going to change the world? No! Damnit, NO!" I turned away from him and pointed my wand at a jar. I barely heard myself mutter the words and then there was a flash of a light so bright it hurt my eyes.
And when I opened them, the jar was intact and on the bottom of it lay the beetle.
Lifeless and very very still.
*****
I suppose I should have been happy with that. Trahern let me have the rest of the day off. Id completed the Unforgiveables training program. And I felt sick to my stomach. These people, these Aurors, were expecting me to be able to kill another human being and I could barely kill a beetle.
When I finally staggered in the front door, Sirius was sitting on the couch and looking decidedly pissed off.
"Youre home early," I observed, pulling off my coat and dropping it over a chair.
He fiddled with a cushion. "Our mission crashed."
I paused in the doorway to the kitchen, looking at him sympathetically. "Im sorry."
He laughed resentfully. "Yeah right."
Filling a glass with water, I took a long drink before putting it down and moving back to stand in the doorway once more. "Was it serious?"
He looked at me, as if hed only just noticed I had come in. "Define serious," he said, giving me a look I couldnt quite decipher. "I mean, it was only one Auror who died. So it cant have been that bad, can it?"
I tried to ignore his biting sarcasm. "What happened?"
He stood up, towering over me. "She was captured. And they tortured and raped her for hours and when we got there, they killed her."
"I-"
"And they did it because she was a woman," he interrupted, his voice low and his eyes boring into mine. "They did it because they wanted to own her. To destroy her before they killed her."
I was finding it hard to swallow now. He can be really quite frightening when hes angry. "Sirius, Im sorry."
"And all I could think of was...what if it had been you," he said softly.
I bit my lip and waited for him to continue.
"Why did you do this?" he asked. "Why did you want to be...?"
This is another thing were constantly arguing over: my career choice. Sirius wishes that Id gotten a normal Ministry job and while I dont particularly like being an Auror, its better than sitting at a desk all day, answering owls.
"Because. If everyone thought like that, there wouldnt be any Aurors."
"But why you?" he snapped, making me jump. "Why couldnt you just have done something simple? Something that didnt put your life in danger every minute of every day?!?"
I stared at him, suddenly very tired. "Look, Sirius. Im sorry that your mission didnt work out the way it was planned but dont bring me into this. I dont-"
"It could happen to you! It takes just one second for them to capture a prisoner and after that, you belong to them." He turned away and took a long drink from the glass on the table.
I narrowed my eyes at him and then shook my head at his back, disgusted. "Youre drunk."
"No. Im not drunk."
"Yes, you are. You do this every single time something doesnt go your way. You go and get yourself hammered and then expect me to pick up after you. Not this time, Sirius. Grow up."
I slammed the door behind me and had the satisfaction of feeling the entire building shake.
*****
One evening stretched into two. Two days stretched into four and Sirius and I were still not talking. Id taken to sleeping in the office and I could only guess where he was. Not that I cared, of course.
"All right, you lot...look alive then!" Trahern hollered.
The six of us glared at him. He was our guide and there wasnt one of us that liked him. Four men, two women and, as always, I was the youngest.
"Managed to get you lot an assignment," he said, puffing out his chest and smirking around at us.
I exchanged a look with Markham. We were the only two in this division still in our teens and another of my co-workers whom Sirius acted jealous of. Absolutely ridiculous, really. Considering the fact that I was engaged and Markham married, but Sirius could never learn common sense. Yet another reason I loved the stupid ass.
"I dont how well youll be able to handle it though," he said, fixing his eyes pointedly on me. "But Im sure youll try your best. Weve located a temporary Death Eaters hideout. Were sending you lot and another division, of course-"
"Of course," Markham snorted under his breath.
"-and," Trahern continued, with a sharp glance in our direction, "Im expecting you lot to do your jobs the way youve been trained to do them. After that, your training is," he looked pained, "complete."
When an Aurors training has been completed, they spend the rest of their lives working up to a higher rank. Every mission accomplished, they move up one. Every assignment botched, they move down two. Or they die. How did I get myself into this?
"Im hoping that you lot will be able to bring the lot of them in but if not," he glared at me, "you will have to kill them. No questions asked."
No questions asked.
*****
The following days were spent training to an almost insane level. We were all hexed repeatedly and spent more than a few evenings in the infirmary. Broken ribs and shattered ulnas, bruised jaws and cuts of every size marred the limbs of every single one of us. Not a picnic in the park, let me tell you.
Thursday evening came much too soon for my liking. Although, if it had been to my liking, Thursday evening wouldnt have come at all. It was strange though...I mean, here I was, standing outside a Death Eaters temporary camp and the only though running through my mind was that I hadnt talked to Sirius yet. Wed brushed past each other in the last week but we werent talking. We refused to admit that we were fighting with each other. It was absolutely ridiculous and although I hated to admit it, I really missed the stupid git. More than anything, I wish hed scream at me rather than ignore me.
"Oy, were moving...pay attention!" Markham hissed in my ear, wrenching me up by my arm up and pulling me towards the wards.
I shook him off, silently pulling myself together. Getting killed now would most probably not resolve my Sirius problem.
And I could just imagine the stupid joke hed be making if Id said that to him, with his big smile and his eyes gleaming in that way...ugh, this was getting pathetic.
"Listen up!"
I rolled my eyes and turned my attention to the chubby, middle-aged woman barking orders at us in her quietest whisper.
"Well be moving in on my count. Good luck." She sounded resigned, as if shed already decided we were going to fail.
I started pleading with an unknown force after that, hoping that Id at least get to see my fiancé one last time. I couldnt even remember what our fights were about now; they were just meaningless, empty wastes of time. God...wed both been so stupid.
And then the count was up. We moved in quickly, capturing and stunning as best we could. We were all shouting loudly, trying to make our curses heard. I couldnt even hear my own voice after a while and I could barely open my eyes against the flashes of light that were gradually getting brighter and then dimmer and then brighter again.
Everything started blending together and I dont remember how it happened or how we ended up in that position. All I remember is that a Death Eaters curse smashed through Markhams shield and he stumbled backwards. The Death Eater smiled in a twisted way and raised his wand, probably to make a clean job of it.
I heard myself say the words, felt the green light pass behind my eyelids and when I could focus again, the Death Eater was lying on his back, his eyes open in surprise.
He was dead.
I couldnt move after that. I let the other Aurors finish their work, round up the remaining Death Eaters and leave. I saw two Aurors supporting Markham as he limped towards the exit. I saw other Ministry workers apparating in and congratulating the Aurors on a "fine job".
I knelt beside the man who had died. The man I had killed and I felt my stomach turn. I had done that. I had taken a life that hadnt been mine to take and I felt sick with guilt. I didnt even realize I was shaking until I reached out to shut his eyes.
I tasted blood on my tongue. Id bitten through my lip. Id killed a man. Id killed someone. Someone was dead because of me. I had no choice...I had to...I had no choice. But I could have stunned him, I could have disarmed him...oh God, I could have done anything else but Id chosen to...to...
I stood up abruptly, acutely aware of the people milling around me, talking in low voices, trying to clean up, as was the Ministrys way. Shoving my way outside, I leaned against the wall, trying my hardest not to vomit. The fresh air was stifling me. My hair had come out of the knot I usually wore it in and was whipping about my face, stinging my eyes.
Sirius, I need you.
"Hey, Walsh!" The tone was recognizable at once.
"Trahern," I greeted dully.
"Saw that Killing Curse...jolly good, I say-"
I shoved him as hard as I could. "I killed someone."
"It was a Death Eater," he said dismissively, dusting his robes off.
"He was alive."
"Yes and you did the right thing."
"Are you crazy?" I snapped, unconsciously raising my voice. "I killed someone!"
"It was self-defence."
"It was murder!" I shrieked.
He shook his head. "I had thought you were over this sentimental nonsense. Its ridiculous to dwell on something that was right. Its nothing to worry your pretty little head about."
I stared at him, finally seeing him for the first time. "Killing someone is not right," I choked out. "Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, youd be able to see that. You cant solve killing with more killing!" I knew I was getting hysterical but the shock of what I had done was finally fading, leaving me shaky and terrified.
He slapped me then. Hard, right across the face. It stung. "Just remember who youre talking to," he said between gritted teeth.
I shoved him again. "Yes. Sir." I turned my back on him and stomped off. He probably thought I was acting like a child.
I stopped a few metres away and made sure he was out of sight before sitting down, drawing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. I killed someone. Killed. I killed. Someone is dead. I killed someone. Killed. Dead.
I felt wetness on my cheeks. Tears. Oh, Sirius, where are you? I pulled my robes tighter around me and stood up unsteadily.
I had never felt so alone in my entire life.
*****
My fingers fumbled with the lock and I dropped the keys more than once. Swearing loudly, I pulled out my wand and manually took off all the wards we had on our home. Shoving the door open, I stepped inside and knew immediately that it was empty.
I swore again. The one time youre not here is the one time I want to see you. Bloody well figures, doesnt it? Im such an idiot. Why did I get involved in this in the first place? I should just have taken a nice simple job. Id have been okay. Instead, weve been fighting night and day because Im an idiot! I am such an idiot.
I really was. Why couldnt I have been the mature one for once? Now I didnt even know where he was. What if hed been hurt? What if and the thought terrified me even more he had been killed. I dont know how I found my way to Godrics Hollow. I thought for sure Id end up in China, the way I was going.
Apparating didnt even occur to me. I was so cold, even though it was a fairly mild night. I killed someone. I quickened my steps, convinced someone was following me. No, it was my own imagination. No, its the man I murdered.
I was running by the time I got to Lilys house. Shed know what to do. She always knew what to do. She had to know what to do.
I banged on the door, alternating between knocking and ringing the doorbell repeatedly. I heard footsteps and muffled yelps as objects thudded onto the ground, from the inside of the house. It just made me knock harder and I was really starting to panic now.
James Potter opened the door and I launched myself into his arms. "Wheres Sirius?" I questioned frantically. "Where is he? I cant find him, James, I dont know where he is!" I must have started babbling even more incoherently after that because I dont remember what I said.
I could see the blurry outlines of people behind him and I realized I had tears in my eyes again. James shook me, looking slightly frightened. "Aria...Aria, stop that."
"No, I cant find him, I dont know where he is and we were fighting and...and Trahern and I couldnt and I did...oh no, oh no...I didnt mean to but I did and I-"
James placed his hand firmly over my mouth. "Calm down," he said gently, wiping my tears away with his other hand.
"Calm down...I cant understand what youre-"
I pulled away, shaking even more violently than before. "No, James, I didnt mean to, I swear and his eyes, oh God and I couldnt...didnt mean to but I wasnt thinking, saw him fall and I didnt mean to, I swear I didnt and then Trahern but I couldnt, I didnt mean to-" I broke off, sobbing and shaking and wishing I was three years old again and having a nightmare so that my mother could hold me in her lap and smooth my hair. "I didnt mean to," I whimpered.
James hugged me and I could vaguely hear him talking. "-what to do."
And then another voice. Familiar and deep and soothing. "Give her to me."
I knew it was Sirius immediately. His arms wrapped around me, one of them rubbing my back and I trembled even more. What would he think when I told him? What would he say? Hed get that look...like the one my father used to get when I disappointed him-
"Ri? Why are you shaking like that?" He was concerned. He cared.
I clung to him like a child, refusing to let go. I could lose him. I could lose him. Someone could kill him. The way I killed-
"Ri?"
"Oh, Sirius," I muttered. "Youre alive."
He pulled away slightly, pushing my hair out of my face. "Of course, Im alive. Whats the matter with you? Did you think
Id been killed or something?"
I stared at him wordlessly. "That isnt funny," I said, in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "Damn you, dont joke about that! It isnt funny!"
His brow furrowed and he looked the way James had when hes opened the door. "What are you on about? And whys your cheek all red? What happened to you?"
I felt sick just thinking about it. Id killed someone. I closed my eyes but all I could see was the flash of light as it had come spinning out of my wand, the man lying on the ground, the wide, surprised look in his eyes. I let out another choked sob and Sirius had his arms around me again.
"Ri? Ri, tell me what it is!" Now he sounded frantic.
I trembled. "I cant!"
"Sirius, stop badgering her. Here, bring her inside. Ill get her something to drink." Lily, I realized. Of course...this was her house too.
Sirius had to physically lift me up and carry me into the house. I couldnt move and I didnt want to.
He sat me down on the couch, taking the space beside me. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see the Death Eaters face, his vacant eyes. I jumped. Sirius pulled me closer to him, stroking my hair and muttering nonsense into my ear, trying to calm me down.
"Ri?"
I glanced up as Lily handed me a steaming mug.
"Its tea. Herbal. Cranberry."
I took the tiniest sip. It was red. Like blood. I nearly dropped the mug. Sirius rescued it from my hands and set it on the table. I wouldnt look at them. I knew the three of them were waiting for an explanation but I couldnt tell them. What would they think?
"Do you want to...erm...talk?" James asked, looking horribly uncomfortable.
I leaned my head against my hands and tried to take a deep breath. It caught in my throat.
"Ri?"
I shook my head.
Lily pressed something cold into the palm of my hand. "Ice."
I stared at it, unsure of what she wanted me to do.
Sirius took it out of my hand and pressed it tenderly to my cheek, pushing strands of my hair out of my face at the same time. "Its bruising," he said simply but I could see the worry in his dark eyes.
I pulled away, holding the ice in my own hand. The silence was unearthly deafening. I placed the ice on the floor, wrapping my arms around myself. Im so cold.
"Why are you shaking like that?" Sirius voice broke through the little trance Id forced myself in to.
"Cold," I mumbled as Sirius hugged me to him. I was nearly unaware of his fingers stroking my hair, my face, my neck.
"-take her home," I heard distantly.
I jumped again, my heart starting to race as he helped me stand. He looked so confused and upset that I turned away, that sickening feeling returning to the pit of my stomach.
Lily held open the front door, James sliding his arm automatically around her waist. I felt like I should say something.
"Um...thank you," I said falteringly. "Sorry about...before."
I know that they both replied and that it was probably something appropriate but I barely heard them. I didnt even protest as Sirius led me to his infernal motorbike. I draped my arms around his waist securely and leaned my head against his back. He smelled like leather and outdoors and...well, like Sirius.
The most comforting smell in the entire world.
*****
I wish I could say that I was asleep by the time we reached our home, but I wasnt. Id stopped panicking but every now and then, Id turn around, just to be sure no one was following us. (Its a flying motorbike...whod have been following us?!?)
When we landed, Sirius sat very still for a few moments, before gently prying my hands off his waist and turning to look at me.
"Okay?"
I wasnt but I didnt say anything. His fingers brushed past my cheek and then he dropped his hand in defeat. He walked me up the stairs and pulled out his wand to unlock the door. Hes never bothered with keys the way I have.
The hallway was rather dark and I shivered as an old woman passed by, dragging her cart behind her. There is no one after me. I am over-reacting. Sure.
"Ri?" Sirius was looking at me, expecting an answer.
"What?"
"Do you want anything?"
I shook my head and he leaned against the wall, watching me.
"I just want to know why youre so upset," he said quietly. "Ive never seen you like that before."
Hell hate me.
"Aria, please...I care about you. You know that. Just tell me what happened." His eyes were dark and shadowed and he looked so sad.
"We...had a mission tonight." I swallowed. "To complete our training. And I killed someone." I wouldnt look at him.
Sirius arms wound tightly around me, pressing me against him. "A Death Eater?"
I nodded.
"Im sorry," he said softly, kissing my hair. "Im so sorry."
"He didnt even see it coming," I mumbled. "And his eyes were staring right at me. I killed him!"
"Shh, shh...calm down..."
"I cant!" I snapped. "Everytime I close my eyes, I see it happening! It was an accident! I didnt mean to kill him. I just wanted..." I trailed off.
"Dont do this to yourself," he warned, kissing my forehead. "Its your job...you didnt do anything wrong."
"I killed someone," I said listlessly. "How is that not wrong?"
"Its what we do, Ri."
"We arent assassins, Sirius, for crying out loud!"
He paused. "We do what we have to do."
"You arent listening to me. I killed someone. Someone is dead because of me!"
"Ri, listen to me. I know you dont want to hear this, but things like this happen in the line of work we do. Youve just got to accept it and move on."
"Its not right though. I killed him."
"Would it make you feel better if I told you hed killed an Auror?"
"No!"
"Was he going to?"
I stopped. "Yes. No. Maybe. I dont know! Its making me sick inside...I feel-"
"Guilty," he finished. "Its human nature."
I pulled away from him. "Have you...?"
His eyes flickered past me and then met mine. "Only when it was necessary."
I stared at him, unable to process what he was saying to me. "Why didnt you tell me?"
"I didnt want you to think I was...you know...like that."
Deafening silence.
"I know youre not like that, you great stupid prat," I said, struggling to get my words right. Couldnt he understand that I loved him? Why was this so hard for him to grasp?
Another silence.
I swallowed. Was this how it was going to be forever? Never knowing what to say or what to do? Never knowing what he was thinking or what he was thinking? Just make me forget this, Sirius. Please, just make me pretend it never happened.
Somehow his lips found mine and he was kissing me and it was almost like we were seventeen again. It was as if the last month hadnt happened, like wed never even lived it. He walked me backwards and lowered me onto our bed and I gasped as his hands slid under my shirt, his hands warm against my back. How could I have convinced myself that I didnt this, that I didnt need him? I kissed him back with the same fervour, nearly trembling as he sucked gently on the side of my neck, his hands sliding up and down my stomach.
Oh, I loved this man and the realization brought tears to my eyes.
He propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at me in concern. "Is this-if you dont-"
I pulled him back down to me, kissing him harder than I ever had before. He rested his forehead against mine and smiled, as if in wonder.
"What is it?"
He shrugged. "I love you, you know." He caressed my neck gently and I could see my own fear reflected in his dark eyes. "I just dont want to lose you."
I couldnt reply so I only kissed him again. And for that moment, there was only Sirius and me and nothing else mattered.
*****
~Sirius Black~
I gazed down at the girl nestled in my arms. Id missed her so much. I ran my fingers up and down the soft skin of her arms and I would have given anything to have stayed like that forever. In our bed with her dark hair spilling over the pillows and her skin pressed against mine. With that relaxed expression on her face and her lips slightly parted and the knowledge that she was mine and I was hers. Listening to her breathing and smiling as her hand lay gently against my chest.
I suppose I could ruin this train of thought by remarking on amazing make-up sex but it rather spoils the mood, I find.
But even as the thought comes to my mind, its gone and I start wondering if well ever actually make it to the point where shell legally be Mrs. Black. I wonder what our children will look like and if theyll have my temper and her sweetness.
Ridiculous, really. Wondering about children when I wont sit down with her and talk about getting married. I know that I love her and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her...I just dont want to find out that she only said yes because she felt obligated.
James thinks Im being an idiot but I cant help it. I dont want to lose her but at the same time, I dont want her to marry me if she doesnt want to. Which is even more dumb because if she didnt want to, why had she said yes? Wed been together for just under two years (not counting the time wed spent apart because Id been a complete jealous ass and the time wed spent apart because shed been acting dumb) when Id asked her to marry me (and to be truthful, I hadnt really given it all that much thought). I just knew that I wanted her to be my wife and that if I ever had kids, I wanted them to be hers as well.
She shifted slightly in her sleep and I sighed sadly as a tear slid down her cheek. Why had she done this? When you decide to become an Auror, you give a part of yourself up. You cant afford to feel sorry for killing a Death Eater; it just wont work that way. She was too good for this.
I remember the first time I killed a Death Eater. I felt exhilarated until the truth hit me. I fought with Ri all that week, terrified shed find out and leave me or something equally bad. And the simple truth was that I didnt want to lose her.
My entire world...was wrapped up in one woman. Terrifying, isnt it?
Its strange though. The reason that I always stun before killing is...her. Its always been her. I never want to see that look of disappointment on her face because I think it would kill me.
Its not just because shes my lover and everything she says affects me. Its not just because shes my fiancée and every time she smiles I get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Its not just because weve been friends for what sometimes feels like forever. Shes me and Im her. Thats how well we know each other. I can see how she feels when I look into her eyes and I know she can see the same in mine. Its terrifying sometimes but in the same moment, I know that I would never change it for anything.
She drives me crazy, she really does. And we fight over the stupidest things. She gets me so mad, I just want to break something. But then, theres the times when I look at her, with the sunlight kissing her hair and casting shadows across her face and I fall in love with her all over again. I get light-headed and giddy and I feel like an idiot. I wouldnt give that up. Theres just no way Ill ever find someone else like her. Ill never find someone who knows me the way she does, who understands and loves me the way she can.
The tears and the hateful words and the anger and the pain...I know its all worth it to know that she loves me.
I wish my father were here. I want him to tell me that what Im doing is right. I just miss him so much. They took him away from me. I needed him, you know. Every boy needs his father. But more than that, I hate what it did to my mother. She smiles a lot less now. And she doesnt laugh the way she used to. Shes happy...but not as happy as she should be. And because of that, they deserve exactly what they get. They deserve to die, to be annihilated the way they are. How many families have they torn apart? How many childrens lives have they shattered? How many people have they tortured mercilessly, just because they could? They deserve it then, dont they? Deserve the same treatment. Yes, its right to take my revenge on them. Its right. We have to fight fire with fire. Its the only way to win.
But sometimes I dream about green light and death and sadness and the families of the people Ive killed. I wake up sweating and shaking and telling myself that it was only a dream. But no amount of love can destroy those memories.
Because it isnt only a dream. And for parts of it, Im thankful. No matter how much it hurts.
*****
~Alastor Moody~
I hate Death Eaters. I stepped onto the platform, feeling the rush of air through my body. I still hate Death Eaters. Theyre always bungling up something. Drives me mad.
Its dark. Lara and her bloody conserving of energy. Id like to slap that girl sometimes. Never leaves a light on...
The fridges empty. Bloody hell, cant they go shopping once in a while? Bread. Im always having bread. Im sick of bread. And the bloody toaster isnt working. Damn Muggles...cant get anything right.
I need a drink. Damnit. Lara and her bloody rules. She got rid of all the bloody alcohol. Whatm I supposed to drink? Did she stop to think about that one? No. I growled as I nearly tripped over Marcus files. Damn that McKinnon boy, really. Leaving his stuff all over the shop. Do I look like a maid or something? Im not here to pick up after them. For Heavens sake...
It took me a few tries but Ive managed to conjure up a drink for myself. Not quite sure what it is yet but its burning my throat so its fine. Its been a bad week. Im wondering how many more are going to be dead before the months out. The numbers are just ridiculous. Why is Voldemort doing this? If he ever does manage to take over the world, therell be no one living in it to take over!
The mission was pure hell tonight. Just me and that idiot, Fletcher. Cant understand what his problem is. Too obsessed with levitating charms, if you ask me. He babbled on and on about how his daughter is thinking of starting a family. I wish them better luck than I had.
I wonder what Bethie would think of me now.
"Alastor," shed say, "youre tiring yourself out! Spend some time with your daughter, for Heavens sake!"
Of course, my little princess would be well into her teens by now...all grown up. Sometimes when I close my eyes and I can hear her shriek of laughter as I send her spinning across the sky. If I listen hard enough, I can hear Bethies protests of how Ill drop her. I wont. I wouldnt.
I poured another drink and held the glass in my hand, just watching it. Im getting melancholy again and theres no one down here to snap me out of it. Damn.
I set the glass down and made my way to a desk. I suppose its affecting me worse than usual tonight. I couldnt get around using that curse tonight. My life or hers. Stupid Death Eater. It had to be done though. Did it?
Of course it did. Theres no other way to stop this war. We cant just wait for it to blow over. And we cant just stun those damned Death Eaters and toss them in Azkaban. Its too easy for them to break out. We dont have the time to secure a new place for them. And its hardly like theyre suffering.
Not the way we are.
Fletcher would laugh if he could see me now. Alastor Moody, the Auror, justifying the reason he doesnt like the killing curse. A joke in itself.
But thats what took them away from me and so help me, I wont sink to that level. I did at first. I destroyed Death Eaters as if they were smaller than flies. I shattered the minds of half of them first. Simply because I could.
Their families hurt just as much as I do. And when the anger started to lessen, so did the instinct to murder, torture, kill. I was a Death Eater, working against them, working as an Auror, but fighting on the level they were. How did that make me better or worse than the murderers of Bethie? Of my little princess?
Then all logical thinking flies out the window. I filled my glass once more, trying to stop the memories that I know will come no matter what I do. Dead bodies. So many of them. And the only ones I can see clearly are those of Bethie and my little princess. My princess clutching my big old pocket-watch in her tiny left hand. How had she managed to get that anyway?
I dream of them. I wake up and I still see them and I just wish that...that my dream was real and whats real was a dream. It fuels my anger and I want to destroy all the Death Eaters. Every last one of them. I want to make them suffer, the way I have suffered. I want them to feel the despair Ive felt, the hate, the anger. I want them to know the torture of living every single day, every single hour. Oh yes, I want them to know.
I hate the twinge I get when a Death Eater is lying at my feet, their face in the dirt. I should feel elated, like justice has been served. And I dont. For one brief second, I feel a sense of satisfaction and then its replaced by the emptiness all over again, only its worse now because I know that their family will feel the way I do. Broken and betrayed and so very alone.
Justice cant be served because there is no justice in this world. But one day, I will find the ones who tortured and killed my world and then Ill hold my wand out and simply ask them, "Why?"
I know they wont respond but I want an answer the way I need air. Why they chose that day, those two people, that place...just why. Ill have them begging me for mercy, but I wont give in, just like they refused to.
There are still times when I hear Bethie asking me what Im doing. When I dream of her asking me what my life is for.
And I cant answer her.
Because in all truth...I dont know. All I know is that one day, there will be an eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. A life for a life. And a soul for a soul.
On that day, I will claim two lives and one soul. The lives of Bethie and my princess. And the soul...the soul will be for me.
Justice will be served. I dont care how many tears I have to blink away to witness it, but justice will exist. And Ill be there to see it.
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