Trouble in Paradise

by Verbum

Monday Night:

A nagging feeling was forming in the pit of the recently newlywed Lily Potter's stomach as she washed the dishes, the kind of ache where she knew something was wrong. Her husband, James Potter, was 3 hours late getting home from his job at the ministry. No owl. No note left conspicuously on the kitchen table for her to find and slap herself for being so stupid. He could be dead, be could have been caught be some dark wizard, he could--

"Lil, I'm home!" The door slammed behind him as James walked over to his wife and gave her a peck on the cheek. Lily grimaced, making James frown.

"What's wrong?" She was on the verge of tears, and she turned away from him and continued her washing. Damn it, James thought. Not again.

"Where were you?" Lily asked, as she set the clean plate next to the sink and began scrubbing the next one.

"Out with Sirius and Remus at the Leaky Cauldron." She stopped and looked at him for a moment or two.

"You could have owled, you know." How utterly inconsiderate.

Uh-oh. "Now that you mention, I could have. I just didn't think you'd worry." He stopped, and glanced at the sour expression on her face. "So what's for dinner?" The plate she held dropped to the floor and shattered.

"Didn't think I'd worry, what with my Auror of a husband missing? Look what you made me do." She reached into her robes for her wand and swept away the broken plate pieces.

"It's not that big of a deal, Lil," James pointed out. She rounded on him.

"Put yourself in my shoes, then." James grinned.

"My feet aren't that small." She rolled her eyes.

"Never mind. I shouldn't have even brought it up." James sighed. He hated when Lily got that way, where everything became an argument. A nagging thought was entering the back of his mind.

"It isn't that time of the month again, is it?" Lily's pale face flushed in anger.

"I don't BELIEVE you just asked me that!" James was beginning to get frustrated.

"Well, you snapped at ME when I came through the door, as I recall." She shook her head.

'James, this is stupid."

"You started it!"

"You're so damned childish. I don't know what I see in you sometimes."

"I don't know either. I'm leaving." James walked back towards the door.

"What about dinner?"

"Goodbye," James yelled, apparating out of the yard. Lily sat down at the kitchen table, ignoring the wet dishes, and buried her head in her arms.

--------------------

"You said what?!" Penelope Taylor yelled at James, as he sat down at Sirius' kitchen table and recounted his story to Remus, Sirius, and to her.

"I asked her if it was her time of the month! What's so bad about that?" Penelope shook her head.

"Poor, poor boy."

"You just signed your death warrant, Prongs," Remus Lupin said, his hands on Penelope's shoulders. Sirius Black snickered.

"Smooth move, butter. What number fight is it now?" James mentally ticked off a few numbers in his head.

"5, I think." All eyes in the room were on him. "What?"

"Is that some newlywed thing?" Sirius asked, looking at Remus and Penelope.

"I hope not,' Remus said, shrugging. "I really and truly hope not. It's hard enough living with her when we're not fighting." Penelope whacked him good-naturedly.

"Maybe you should see somebody about that," Penelope said, after kissing Remus on the cheek to make up for his

sustained injuries. "I'd hate to see the two of you split up."

"So would I," Sirius agreed. "I'd need a new target in that case." James rolled his eyes.

"Either way, I need a place to crash for tonight. Do you all mind?" Remus thought for a moment.

"There's the couch or my room." Penelope raised her eyebrows.

"And were would you sleep if James was in your room?"

"Well, there's the couch... unless you're willing to share, of course." He grinned at his fiancée, who groaned.

"Such a martyr, I see. You get the couch." James laughed.

"No worry, couch is fine. Got an owlbook?" Sirius rummaged in a corner of the living room and returned with a slightly dusty book full of yellow parchment.

"Why do you need it?" he asked, wiping his hands on his robes.

"I need to find that counselor." He flipped open the book to "c" and adjusted his glasses..

--------------------

A tawny owl fluttered through Lily's open window, one that she recognized as Archimedes, Sirius' owl. She untied the slip of parchment from it's leg, and the bird sat on her nightstand, preening it's feathers.

Lil,

I'm sick of all the fighting, and I have an idea.

No he doesn't, Lil. I suggested it. --Penny

Whatever. Enclosed, you'll find the address of a counselor I hear is quite good. At least, that's what it said in the

owlbook. There's really nothing to lose except this damnable fighting. Send your response back with Archimedes.

James

PS, ignore those stupid comments from everyone else. Those were added when I took the occasional break. I still love

James Potter, your loving husband

Lily smiled. This would work out after all. James was right, anyway. There was no drawback. She looked at the ad that he had cut out, made of shiny yellow parchment. Gold lettering spelled out:

Dr. Renee Jigger (no relation to the writer), marriage counselor. 25 years of experience, a success every time. Money back guarantee if your relationship isn't patched up in 3 weeks or less *

*owl for details

Well, they had nothing to lose, after all...

Chapter 2

The next morning...

"Look, a response," James said when Archimedes fluttered through Sirius' kitchen window.

"Well, that's nice to hear. Can I have my couch back now?" Sirius asked, toothbrush in hand. Remus looked up from the stove.

'Good luck, Prongs," he said, between stirring something in one of the simmering pots and conjuring some milk.

James took the piece of parchment off of the owl, and handed it a carrot. Sitting down at the table, he unfolded the slip of parchment and resettled his glasses.

James,

I'm so sorry that argument even happened last night. I was a huge bundle of nerves and (Great Wizards, this is getting repetitive) you really should have left a note last night. Off of that, it is time we see someone about this. I've already made arrangements to see Dr. Jigger, at noon, which gives you plenty of time to get ready and come back here.

Here's to the end of stupid newlywed arguments!

Lily

"So she gave you plenty of time to get ready and get back over there, eh?" Sirius said, a glint in his dark eyes.

"Pervert," James muttered, folding the parchment and slipping it into his back pocket. "Well, I'm off."

"Later," Sirius said.

"Give my regards to Penny."

"I will, when she gets back," Remus replied, busy at the stove. James' eyebrows rose.

"Where is she?" Remus turned around and grinned.

"Putting up with Alastor Moody."

"Geez, has it been that long?"

"I'm afraid so, Old Bean," Sirius interjected. "Now, get moving before you start another argument with Lil."

"Fine, I can see where I'm not wanted."

"Go home, James," Sirius said, pointing to the door. Remus shook his head, chuckling.

"No," James responded, catching on to the game.

"Go, James. Now."

"Uh-uh."

"Now, James Potter!" James feigned an angry look.

"I don't have to take this. I'm going home!" he announced, apparating on the front yard. Remus turned to Sirius.

"Is that always necessary?"

"It's tradition, Moony! Now go home!" Remus sighed.

------------------------------

"There you are!" Lily exclaimed, in a state of half-undress, fastening her earrings. James stood still while she whizzed by him.

"Huh?"

"The appointment with Dr. Jigger! It's in 2 hours!"

"So? We have time!" He caught her around the waist and kissed her.

"James," she said, when they had come up for air, "don't get me wrong here. I love you, I love your kisses, and everything else you do, but we just don't have the time right now!" She pulled away from him, and threw him a pair of robes that were laying on the bed.

"Here, get washed and put these on. I'll meet you downstairs."

"But--"

"James," she said, closing her eyes. "Just do it."

------------------------------

An hour later, when Lily looked divine and was satisfied with James' appearance, they apparated into Hogsmeade, gaining many odd stares from Hogwarts students and the locals.

"Lily, people are staring at us."

"So? You've never let that stop you before."

"Point taken. Where is she?" Lily scanned the main street.

"You know what? I have absolutely no idea," she said, blushing.

"Well, maybe we had better ask." he approached an aged fellow, some 70 years old, sitting under a cafe umbrella.

"Uh, excuse me sir," he said. The old man looked up.

"Eh?"

"We're looking for the office of Dr. Renee Jigger. I don't suppose you know where we can find her?" The man broke into a toothless grin.

"Right upstairs, son," he said in a thick cockney accent. "Done me an' me wife lots o' good a few years back. What'sa matter? Trouble with th' ole' maypole?" James blushed scarlet.

"Uh..." Lily, seeing his obvious discomfort walked over to them. 'Thank you very much, sir. We really appreciate it." She took James' arm, and headed up the stairs behind the old man.

"No problem! She'll fix yer problem right in a jiffy!" he called after them. Lily burst out laughing at the top of the staircase.

"Trouble with the 'ole' maypole'? Well, now that I think about it..."

"Lil!" She flashed him a grin.

"I'm busting your chops, James. Your 'maypole' is just fine." James opened his mouth to protest, when another voice sounded, different from either of theirs.

"Enter," the misty voice said. James and Lily looked at the wide oaken doors in front of them.

"I suppose I should go in first," James said, reaching for the door handle.

"No!" Lily exclaimed, taking his hand. "We'll go in together." They faced the door like 2 people heading for certain demise, until James suddenly grabbed and turned the handle, opening the doors.

The overpowering smell of frankincense wafted out of the door and down the narrow hallway and staircase. Lily coughed.

James, still holding her hand, led her into the room. The lamps were Victorian styled, and had red and orange scarves draped over them. An unused disco ball hung from the ceiling, and clashed with the stylish beige leather furniture and Persian rug. The fireplace was going, simmering something that gave off an acrid smell, only blocked partially by the enormous recliner in front of it, where someone was sitting…

"My God," James whispered to Lily, "it's like Breakfast at Tiffany's meets Saturday Night Fever."

"It's like living with Sybil Trelawney all over again," she replied, still glancing at the furnishings. A wasp of a woman stood up from her station at the fireplace and walked over to meet them.

"Hello," she began, in a misty voice tinged with a New York accent. "I'm Dr. Renee Jigger." Dr. Jigger's short and obviously dyed burgundy hair was stiff with hairspray, giving it the appearance (and texture) of a helmet, only one with a bright chartreuse shawl hanging down from the back, whose silver sparkles caught the light and added to the disco-y décor. Her robes were electric blue, matching her shoes and the rhinestones on her horn-rimmed glasses. James even caught sight of a couple gold teeth. Lily, attempting to suppress her laughter but failing miserably, went into a violent coughing fit.

"I say," Dr. Jigger said quietly to James. "Is she... right? If you know what I mean?" Lily stopped coughing and glared at her.

'I assure you, my mental functions are quite capable." Jigger raised her (penciled-in) eyebrows.

"If you say so, dearie." The misty accent fell apart and the New York part of it took over. "So," she continued, "what can I do for you? Trouble with the old maypole?" James blushed again.

"No," Lily said. "We've been having... problems with one another since we got married a few months ago."

"I can see why," Dr. Jigger said, sotto voce. Lily flushed red.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Jigger replied hastily, her misty voice coming back. "Now, tell me about these problems."

"Well, we keep arguing about the dumbest things," James said, his voice having returned to him.

"Mmm-hmmm..." Dr. Jigger said, conjuring a notepad and a quill.

"And we don't know why. I mean. We dated all through school, and it was perfect, but now it's just like..."

"Trouble in Paradise," Lily said, finishing his sentence. Dr. Jigger was still scribbling on the notepad.

"Go on," she said, not raising her eyes. James opened his mouth to speak, but Lily shushed him.

"I don't think she's paying attention," she whispered quietly. "Let's see."

"So," James continued, in a serious voice, "I think our marital problems stem from the fact that I have a tap-dancing ferret in my pants." Lily snorted.

"Yes, that seems to be it. Please continue." She was still writing something on her pad, so Lily walked around her to get a good look at it.

'Things to do:' it was titled.

'1. Dervish and Banges, after pointless appointment with the Potters.'

Hmmph, Lily thought, listening to James spout things about devastating astrological charts and the way she folds his underwear. Let's have a little fun.

"That," she added, and the fact that I'm secretly in love with James' father, and I'm currently carrying his child." Dr. Jigger's head snapped up.

"You're what?!"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Lily said sweetly, in an imitation of her.

"So, what do you think?" James said, coming behind Lily and resting his hands on her shoulders.

"Uh..." Jigger began, "well, there's a lot of... uh, tension... in this marriage, it seems. I think that you two need to step into each other's shoes." Lily stopped.

"James, isn't that what I said? The other night?" He wrinkled his brow.

"You know what? I think it is." He turned to the flustered Dr. Jigger.

"And how do you suppose we do this?"

"I…uh... well, there are many ways to go about this... wait, I have an idea!" She scampered off into another room on her glittery high heels, and returned a moment later with a huge jug of some sort.

"What is that stuff?" James asked, holding his nose against the smell.

"Dr. Jigger's patented switching formula! Turns you into someone else!" Lily gave her a strange look.

"That's Polyjuice Potion, invented back in the 1700s." Dr. Jigger glared at her.

"It's new and improved," she said defensively. "Look, do you want help or not?" Lily opened her mouth to speak, but James beat her to it.

"Yes, we do."

"Well, then, do what I say. Take this potion for a week, and see what it's like."

"And you're sure this will work?" James said, eyeing the Polyjuice potion with skepticism. Dr. Jigger shrugged.

"Can't do any harm, can it?" She looked at her watch. "Oh, look at the time! I have a lot of appointments to cater to!" Lily cleared her throat.

"Well, we'll leave you to those. What do we owe you?" Dr. Jigger conjured a calculator and punched in a few keys.

"20 Galleons, including my potion." James choked.

"What?!" Jigger smiled, showing her gold teeth.

"Well, good help doesn't come cheap."

------------------------------

The table was exquisitely set, and Lily had laid out their best china and silverware. James came down the stairs in his best dress robes and gave Lily a peck on the cheek.

"So, here goes." He picked the jug that had been given to them by Dr. Jigger and tipped its contents into his wine glass.

The murky brown substance bubbled and frothed, and he proceeded to fill Lily's glass, too.

"Now for the last part," he said, plucking a hair from his head, and motioning for Lily to do the same. He held her long copper strand above his glass.

"To peace," Lily said, dropping James' hair into the glass, causing the potion to turn a nasty acid green. She downed it in one gulp. James looked apprehensively at his, which had turned a funny shade of orange. Raising the glass, he downed it, also, and immediately doubled up in pain.

Chapter 3

When he next looked up, James came face to face with... himself?

"My oh me, what a handsome devil I am," he said, then stopped. It wasn't his voice that he heard; it was Lily's. And then he realized that his robes, which had usually been a bit too small around the waist had all of a sudden gotten much bigger, and that his feet were dwarfed by the shoes he had on. Lily (in James' form) was trying to tug off her shoes due to her sudden increase in mass.

"If you say so," she said, exasperated, managing to pull off a dainty high heel and throw it away from her. She stood up, and peeked over her husband's head.

"Hey, I can get used to this," she said, and James smiled.

"I think we can now prove that Dr. Jigger is a definite fraud. This is pointless."

"Well..." Lily began. "Maybe not entirely." James' wrinkled his brow, and ran a smooth, feminine hand over it.

"We can have some fun with Sirius, Remus, and Penelope, I suppose." Lily clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Damn!"

"What is it?"

"Penelope invited me and Sirius' girlfriend over for a 'girl's night out' tomorrow night." James wrinkled his brow and removed his hand.

"And Remus, Sirius, and I were going to go out, too." Lily frowned, and James realized just how weird it felt to be in

someone else's body than your own.

"Well, I don't want to back out of it... maybe you could go in my place."

"Well, wouldn't that be a bit awkward?" James asked.

Lily looked at him. "I shouldn't think so. You look like me. You sound like me."

"But I don't act like you. I don't want to sit around and watch chick-flicks all night while talking about... about PMS or

something."

"And I don't want to hang around a bunch of drunk guys all night, checking out girls." James cracked a smile.

"Awww, why not? The Three Broomsticks is fun!"

"Oh well," Lily said, continuing, "it's an 'exercise'. We'll be 'walking in each other's shoes'."

"I had no idea Jigger meant it literally."

"You'll score brownie points with the girls. Lucy (AN: this is Sirius' girlfriend in the story) won't think you're such a pig."

James' eyes opened wide. "I'm not a pig!" Lily grinned.

"If you say so, Wilbur." James pouted. Lily stretched and yawned.

"Anyway," she began, "it's late, and I'm tired. Night, Porky." James glared at her as she walked by.

"You're sleeping on the couch," he said.

------------------------------

"Do I really have to go?" James pleaded, as he searched around Lily's closet for a pair of jeans and a blouse.

"Yes. If I have to hang around Sirius, then you have to go with Pen and Lucy." Lily was busily trying to fix James' hair in the mirror. She had tucked his shirt in, put a belt around his waist, and was now attempting to comb his hair straight.

"Oh, give it up, Lil. You look like a blooming idiot."

"What?"

"Well, untuck your shirt and take the belt off. And don't touch the hair."

"Men," she muttered, putting the comb down.

"Bugger," James exclaimed, attempting to slide the jeans over his hips. They were a bit too tight, though, and he ended up hopping on one foot and holding his breath.

"Lil," he gasped out, "aren't these a bit small?" Lily glared at him as she pulled on one of James sweaters.

"You just don't know what you're doing, that's all." James had finally managed to button the fly, and looked at himself in the mirror.

"Sexy," he said, admiring the view. "If I weren't a woman, I'd--"

"James!"

"Kidding, dear. Where are they?" Lily looked out the window.

"You know, I don't know if they're apparating or what. Oh well. We'll take Floo powder if worse comes to worse."

"Oh, okay. Ripping." He reached for her purse, and walked towards to the door leading outside to the staircase.

"Oh, and James," Lily called to him.

"Yes, Lil?"

"Don't forget to bring some tampons. I'm expecting any time now." James stopped in his tracks.

"Tam-- what?'

"Tampons, James Potter. The ones in the white box under the sink."

"Oh... expecting what?"

"The only thing you use them for, James." James shook his heed and resignedly walked down the stairs to the hallway bathroom. A cacophony of noises issued from the fireplace, and out tumbled Penelope and Lucy, laughing and brushing dust off their robes.

"Are you ready?" Penny asked him.

"I... uh... have to get something from the bathroom."

"Ahhhh," Lucy said, knowingly. James ran to the bathroom, grabbed a couple of the paper-wrapped feminine products, and stuffed them into Lily's purse.

"C'mon," Lucy said, grabbing James' wrist and dragging him back through the fireplace. Penny looked at Lily.

"Bit excitable today, isn't she?" she asked, nodding back to the disappearing Lucy. Lily decided to play along.

"I think she almost said hello to me." Penny frowned a little.

"Well, that's Lucy Graham for you. Thanks again, James (AN: see the Untouchables). You have no idea how much that job has meant to me," She stepped through the fireplace and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Looking around the room, Lily shook her head.

"Women," she said, and she apparated away.

--------------------------------

"Ohhhh!" Penny said, when she had arrived back at the house. "What do we have?" Lucy grinned, and produced a couple of movies out of a plastic bag from the nearest rental store.

"Let's see..." she began. "Casablanca, My Fair Lady, and Breakfast at Tiffany's!"

"Ripping!" Penny exclaimed, as she took a seat on the couch. "Lemme conjure up some snacks!" James sat at the foot of the couch and groaned.

"How can women have so much fun watching these movies' he thought. Penny, tall and blonde, was conjuring some popcorn and sweets, while the petite Lucy was pushing back her shoulder-length brown hair and fiddling with the VCR.

"Ugh," Lucy was saying. "I have cramps." Penny looked at her sympathetically. James groaned inwardly.

"You know, I never really had a problem with those," Penny said, taking a handful of popcorn. "I always got headaches."

"Those are the worst," Lucy agreed, sitting back onto the couch.

"As a matter of fact..." Penny said, getting up and throwing a glittering white powder onto the fire. A whirling noise ensued, and Remus stood in the hearth.

"Yes, Penny?" he asked, mildly.

"Do we have any aspirin in the house?" He thought for a few seconds.

"No, actually. Do you want me to pick some up?" Penny smiled at him.

"If you could."

"Sure, luv." He kissed her on the cheek and stepped back into the fireplace, disappearing. Lucy put her hand to her heart.

"That's so sweet, isn't it Lil?" James was shaken out of his reverie.

"Huh? Oh, yes. Very sweet."

"You're not very talkative tonight." James was beginning to get a little scared now.

"Oh, well, I don't feel all that great."

"Poor girl," Penny said. "If we had any aspirin, I'd give you some."

"Stock up on echinacea," Lucy said. "Stuff works like a charm. Literally." Penny laughed.

"Well, do you need cough syrup or anything?" Lucy was studying Lily's face. Or what she thought to be Lily's face, at least.

"I think you look a bit depressed, actually. St. John's Wort helps. What did James do this time?" A warning signal flashed in James' head.

"James? He--uh, well..." Screw this, James thought. I'm having some fun. "He's never home, and when he is, it's like we're strangers. All he wants to do is hang out with his buddies, and I've taken second wheel." Lucy's mouth hung open in shock, but Penny had a skeptical look on her face.

"That's horrid!" Lucy exclaimed. "We need to have Girl's Days Out more often. Now enough about men. Let's watch some real charmers." She switched on the movie, and, with a wave of her wand, the lights dimmed. Penny leaned over to James.

"Are you SURE you don't want some cough syrup?"

--------------------------------

Lily found herself sitting in the dim light of the Three Broomsticks with Sirius and Remus looking around the room, surveying the crowd. Sirius appeared to be searching for something (or, as the case was, someone).

"How about her?" Sirius asked, discreetly pointing at a shapely brunette. Remus shook his head.

"I like mine blonde." Sirius grinned.

"Suit yourself, Moony. How about you, James?"

"Huh?" Lily looked up from the (limited) menu, and followed to the place where Sirius was pointing to. "What about her?"

"Prongs, darling," Sirius began in a falsetto imitation of Lily, "your heart belongs to one and only!" Lily inwardly sighed.

'How can men just sit here and do this stuff?' she asked herself, as Sirius stood up and accosted the his object of attention.

"So, Prongs," Remus began, after flagging down Rosmerta and ordering another mulled mead (Lily noticed that Rosmerta obligingly bent down and highlighted her low-cut attire while taking his order), "how is the counseling going?"

Lily almost spit out her butterbeer.

"Oh, yes! That! Fine, just fine." Remus, being a bit tipsy , didn't quite notice Lily's startled answer.

"Oh, good. I hope it all works out." he clutched his stomach. "ugh, I think I've had too much mead." At that moment, Sirius returned, with a bright red slap mark on his face and an even brighter smile.

"What did you tell her, Sirius?" Lily asked. He winked.

"Nothing much. Only that her dress was nice." The brunette was glaring at Sirius from behind his back, and pointing him out to her friends. Sirius chuckled. "But that it would be nicer on my bedroom floor. I think she liked me."

"Uh, Padfoot," Remus said, noticing the growing noise and crowd, "I don't think this is a good time to brag."

"Hmmm?" Sirius asked, oblivious. Lily turned to Remus.

"I'm outta here. Meet you back at your house?"

"Righto," Remus said, and they apparated away, leaving Sirius to his own devices.

--------------------------------

"Here's lookin' at you, kid." Penny and Lucy were in tears, and James was doing his best to make sense of the plot. Just then, a bright flash of light brightened the room, and in tumbled Remus and James (who as actually Lily, but that just makes it even more confusing. If I say a name, just assume it's that person).

"Geez," Penny said through her tears, "you're all back early. Where's Sirius?' Lily looked at Remus.

"Eh... Sirius has gotten himself into a bit of a spat," Remus said, covering up for him. Lucy's eyes widened.

"Oh, I hope he's okay!"

"Well, aside from being slapped around a little, he should be fine," Lily said. Lucy gave her a dirty look. Lily, in order to avoid a conflict and looked at the screen.

"Oh, Casablanca!"

"Er, James, hon, I think we should be heading back." James motioned to Lucy, whose eyes were narrowed at her, and

Remus, who was anxiously awaiting Sirius' tumble from the fireplace.

"Yeah, that MAY be a good idea, DEAR." Lily took James' hand, and they both apparated oiut of Sirius' house, before the

storm broke. They landed on the living room couch, laughing with excitement and full of stories to tell.

Chapter 4

When they had apparated back to their little cottage in Godric's Hollow, Lily had immediately run to their room from the couch and collapsed on their bed. James followed her, bewildered, and upon opening the door joined Lily on the bed.

"Men!" Lily exclaimed, staring up at the ceiling. James looked at her bemusedly, in her current state of masculinity.

"What did we do now?"

Lily chuckled. "Remus got himself tipsy and forgot Penny's aspirin, and Sirius nearly caused a riot by hitting on some poor brunette."

"It sounds like a normal day to me," James said. Lily shifted over to her side, and raised her eyebrows.

"How do you do it?" James laid down next to her, and put his arms around her waist. Lily drew him closer. It was such an obvious turnaround of the normal events that Lily burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" James asked, confused.

"This," Lily said. "You're supposed to be holding me, not the other way around."

"You ARE me," James responded, yawning. "I guess it comes from knowing them since I was 11. You can pick up all of Sirius' odd little traits and Remus' depressions after that long. You had it easy today." Lily drew him closer.

"Oh? Do tell."

"Well, first Pen and Lucy wanted to make me over." Lily laughed.

"I do have nice features. Why didn't you let them do it?" James shuddered.

"Because the thought of wearing all that... stuff on my face is a bit intimidating. The eyelash curly things look like torture devices." Lily laughed again.

"Is that it? Go on. There's more."

"And then they watched Casablanca."

"There's nothing wrong with that. I love Casablanca!"

"I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. That, and Lucy bawling didn't help the plot any."

Lily made a face. "She nearly spit acid at me today when Remus and I apparated in."

"I wouldn't be surprised if she could," James muttered. Lily nuzzled her head into James hair.

"You smell good."

"I should hope so. With all of the perfumed soap you use and the weird shampoos you use," James said. Lily kissed the back of his neck.

"They're not weird. 'Gee, You're Hair Smells Terrific' (AN: Yes, this really was a shampoo sold back in the day. I don't know if it really smelled terrific, because I was born in '83, and if my mom used it on me, I don't remember.) is a perfectly normal shampoo." James yawned again.

"If you say so, Lil. I'll be glad when this week is over." He rolled over, and closed his eyes. Lily out her hand on his waist, and kissed him again, making him open his eyes. He blinked.

"Wide awake still?" Lily grinned at him, and winked. James nodded knowingly. "I know that look. I give it all the time." He turned his face upward, and kissed Lily softly on the lips. Lily frowned.

"Damn it," she said, squinting. James opened his eyes, and pulled away from her.

"What?" he asked, affronted.

"The lights are still on!" James sighed.

"So turn them off, Lil."

"Where's my wand?"

James sighed. "Lily, just sit up and turn the damn things off!" Lily sat up, then promptly laid back down again.

"That just completely killed the mood, you know that?"

"Yeah." Lily shook her head.

"Oh well. 'Night, James." And she was out like a light (no pun intended). James stared up at the ceiling fan with its light still shining.

"Lily?" Her snores were a good indication of her current state. James sighed again, and got up to turn the lights off.

--------------------

Day 2:

James awoke to the worst pain he had ever imagined. Worse than the thoughts of torture and Casablanca combined. He sat up, and put a hand on his abdomen. It was as if there was something drilling a hole in his pancreas. He groaned, and this woke Lily up.

"Wha...?" she yawned. James felt as if he was dying, very slowly and painfully.

"I think I'm dying, very slowly and painfully," he said. Lily sleepily quirked her eyebrows.

"What's wrong?" Yawn.

"It's like a stomachache, but worse, and lower down. Kind of a dull, ache--"

"Cramps," she interrupted. James frowned.

"What about them?" Lily laughed sleepily, her eyes still closed.

"You have them. Congratulations. You're officially a real woman now, James. Now go back to sleep." James stuck out his lower lip.

"I can't." Lily muttered something about Tylenol, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

What the hell, James decided. I'm not sleeping anyway. He stole away to the bathroom, closed the door, then felt around for the light. He opened the medicine cabinet. And he had the shock of his life.

There was no aspirin. There was no Tylenol. There was nothing. Slowly, he sunk to his knees on the shag carpet in front of the sink, and rested his forehead against the cool porcelain of the counter.

How am I ever going to get through this? He thought in desperation.

--------------------

Lily awoke peacefully with the sun half and hour later, and calmly stretched out her arms and legs. But there was no James.

"James?" A low groan issued from the bathroom. She got up, put on his glasses, and strode over to see what was the matter. "Oh my God!"

"I'm dying, I tell you." He was still resting with his head against the counter. "My will is in the middle drawer of the desk, you'll find I've provided well..."

Lily stared at him blankly.

"Why are you in here, hunched under the sink?" James opened his eyes, and glared at her out of his peripheral vision.

"I... have... cramps. They hurt like hell. I am in... ow!" He winced in pain, and Lily went over to him and put her arm around his shoulders.

"Let's get you some Tylenol."

James shook his head. "There is none. I checked."

Lily frowned. "Funny, I bought a full box last month. Are you sure?"

James nodded. "Yes. There was nothing in the bathroom medicine cabinet."

"That would be your first problem, then." She slowly stood him up, and, step-by-step, they descended the stairs and went into the kitchen.

"What do you mean? First problem?" he asked.

"They're not in the bathroom." This made no sense to poor James, who vacantly stared at her.

"Why wouldn't they be in the bathroom in the MEDICINE cabinet?" Lily looked at him pointedly.

"Because I put them in the kitchen cupboard."

"That's insane."

"I thought you knew!"

"You never told me!" James' face was beginning to flush red.

"Yes, I did," Lily said calmly. I told you in bed last Monday, and you nodded!" James broke into a grin.

"Ahhhhhh. That explains a lot."

"Say what?"

"Take this morning, when I told you I had cramps. You nodded, and went back to sleep."

"You did?" Lily stared at him incredulously.

"Yes. Damn it, I forgot that I talk in my sleep-ah!" Another cramp seized him. Lily reached into the cupboard, and unearthed a box of Tylenol, and some aspirin.

"Pick your poison," she said.

James made a mad grab for the extra-strength Tylenol, ripped 2 pills from their foil wrapping, and popped them into his mouth.

"You are a lifesaver," he said, graciously, after drinking the glass of water Lily had insisted on him drinking.

"I try my best," Lily said, looking out the window. "Any plans for today?"

"Run into the Ministry, head back to Sirius', and help him with his bike. Maybe play a little Quidditch."

"Hmmph." James looked up at her.

"What?"

"Do you ever go to work?" James shrugged.

"Sometimes. Only when they need me, and I have the week off. I plan ahead." He nodded smugly. "What are your plans?"

"Grocery shopping, and I said that I'd meet Penelope at the Mall to look for wedding gowns later. No Lucy."

"Joy." James looked into the water for a bit, and stared back at his own reflection. Not his own, rather, than his wife's. A sudden thought struck him. "Lil."

"Hmm? What?" Lily was busy awaiting the speck of an owl that was rapidly approaching the window.

"Do you think this is actually working? This therapy and all?" Lily looked out the window as she thought.

"Well, it's kept us from actually fighting, hasn't it?"

James was silent.

"It has, hasn't it?"

The owl alighted on the windowsill, and Lily opened the window. It was a snowy white owl, with huge brown eyes. Tied to it's leg was a gold accented parchment, bearing the stamp of Dr. Renee Jigger.

"Ugh. You take it." Lily handed the letter to James, who ripped open the parchment.

This is just a friendly reminder of your next appointment, tomorrow at 12:30 PM, to check up on your therapy. Have a nice

Day!

The Offices of Dr. Renee Jigger,

Family therapist and marriage counselor.

James shook his head, and Lily went back upstairs to get ready for the upcoming day.