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The Way Out

FF Homer
Chapter two
Chapter three
Chapter four
Chapter five

-My Ideal World...-

"You’ll have to jump!" Bart shouted to his father. The huge void continued to grow even as he spoke. Parts of the dimension tore apart and were pulled into the hole. Homer glanced down into the hole and across the large gap.

"Piece of cake son," Homer said assuring him. He nodded and took a few steps and prepared to jump. Homer leapt into the air only to lift off the air and fall into the void. Homer cried out as he fell. "Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap…" Homer cried. His body dissociated and disintegrated. Bart watched in horror as his father disappeared and he was pulled from the chaotic void.
Homer was pulled into a completely different dimension. In the episode, he entered our very own world! But, what if Homer had been pulled into another dimension. What if he had been pulled into the world of Final Fantasy VII. What would have changed? What would have happened to both worlds…?
Cloud’s eyes shine in the moonlight as he makes his way down the stairway to the inner sanctum of the city. Cid and Tifa quietly follow. Silence has set over the city, except for the background music. The team comes to a walkway of pillars. Cloud begins to head forward but then stops and gestures for his friends to stay. Cloud begins to step on the first pillar when he hears a crack and a pop from behind him. He turns around to see Cid wiping bubble gum from his face.
"Do you mind! This is a tense moment!" Cloud growled.
"Sorry… It was the only way I could hold off from smoking a cigarette!" Cid retaliated.
"Spit it out," Cloud demanded and Cloud held out his hand gesturing to the floor. Cid, not getting the gesture, spit the gum into Cloud’s hand.
"Ewww," Tifa moaned. Cid shrugged.
"What?" Cid demanded. Cloud tried to wipe the gum from his hand but had little success.
"I’ll just clean it later," Cloud groaned and continued across the pillars. He stepped forward into the altar. Aeris kneeled quietly praying. Cloud slowly walked forward. "Oh Aeris," Cloud murmured. "I better look my best." He was about to brush his hair back when he saw the gum.
"Damn gum," Cloud said under his breath. "I have to wipe it on something." Cloud looked around and then remembered his sword. "I’ll scrape it off!" Cloud reached back to get his sword, but he used the wrong hand. The sword stuck into his hand. "Err!" Cloud muttered. He began to swing the sword around in crazy motions to free the sword. Cloud put his other hand to the sword and tried to pry it off. That one stuck as well. "Arrggh!" Cloud growled a little louder. He swung the sword up and down to free it from his sticky hands. In the process, he nearly cut Aeris across the face. Of course, Aeris didn’t notice. Cloud got angry. "Cid! Look what you almost made me do!" Suddenly, the screen changes to a cut scene.
Aeris looks up from her praying and sees Cloud. A small smile spreads across her face. Suddenly, Sephiroth floats down from above and positions his sword to stab into Aeris’ chest. As suddenly as Sephiroth appeared, a bigger, fatter, figure appeared just above Sephiroth. The figure cried as he plunged to the ground. Sephiroth became distracted and missed his fatal blow. The sword wavered past Aeris and did no harm. Sephiroth, only looking at his miss for a second, turned back to the distraction. As he looked up, the figure fell onto Sephiroth.
"Acck!" Sephiroth groaned under the weight of the figure on top of him. His Masamune clinged to the floor. "Oh my!" Tifa shouted as she rushed up to Cloud. Cid rushed quickly behind. "That thing crushed Sephiroth!" The man groaned and got up from Sephiroth. Cloud pulled Aeris away from Sephiroth and the man.
"It must be another Jenova… Uhh… This one is probably Jenova-FAT or Jenova-Over Weight or Jenova-Bloated," Cloud aimed his sword at the man.
"Owww…" the man groaned. "Where the hell is this?" the man whined as he looked around the city. Cid pulled out a piece of materia.
"He must be confused! Only cast magic!" Cid shouted. "Bolt 3!" The green piece of materia glowed dully.
A blast of lighting shot down at the man.
"Huh?" Homer looked up as the bolt bashed into his stomach and deflected off. The lightning streaked off and hit Cid’s spear.
"Ahhh!" Cid cried as he dropped the spear. He rubbed his burned hands.
"He must Reflect on himself!" Cloud shouted. "I’ll hit him with a limit!" He rushed over to the man. "You die now Jenova!" The man scratched his head.
"I’m not…" Homer didn’t finish. Cloud lifted his sword.
"Climhazzard!" Cloud shouted. A pale wave of light flowed around him. He charged into the man with his sword. The blade sank into the man’s stomach. Cloud prepared to pull the sword out. "Urrggh!" Cloud moaned as he tried to pull the sword from the man’s stomach. "It won’t budge!"
The man looked down at the sword and then at Cloud. He narrowed one of his huge eyes.
"Something tells me… That you’re trying to kill me…… Why you little!" the man shouted as he began to choke Cloud. Cloud gasped for air as he released his sword. Meanwhile, Sephiroth clutched his chest and tried to regain his breath.
"Uhhh…" Sephiroth gasped. "Can’t kill Ancient now… I’ll put it on my "To Do" list tomorrow under "Reveal Cloud’s true identity." He gasped again and leapt into the air to only come crashing down in a thud. Sephiroth shook his head. He removed a comb with a piece of plastic wrapping on top of it. He held it up to his mouth and blew across the film. An eerie hovering sound emitted from the comb. Sephiroth slowly lifted off the ground. "Works like a charm!" Sephiroth spun around in the air and smashed into a building. He groaned and then flew off into the sky. A few moments later, Cid and Tifa had wrestled the man away from Cloud and Aeris had removed the sword from his stomach. The man felt around his stomach. Cloud shook his head. He was seeing double of everything. After a moment, everything focused and he got back up to look at his adversary.
"OK Jenova! Wanna try this again?" Cloud said menacingly holding up his sword. Cid batted him across the back of his head with his hand.
"You #$@%! Why don’t figure out if he’s friend or foe first!" Cid shouted. The team all gazed at the man.
The fat, bald man stared from each person to the next. He scratched his back and began to gaze around the area. He snapped back to look at the team again and then began to gaze again.
Well?" Aeris asked impatiently. The man woke from his daze.
"Oh, I’m um…" the man began.
(This is your first impression Homer, Make it a good one!) Homer’s mind shouted to himself.
"My name is Homer J. Simpson and I fell from the sky," Homer replied.
(Uhh… Could have been better.)
"Well…" Cloud replied, "It’s nice to… meet you. I’m Cloud, this is Aeris, Cid, and this is Tifa," Cloud gestured to everyone. Tifa stepped out from behind Cid. Homer locked a stare on Tifa. Tifa became uncomfortable from Homer’s half witted stare.
"So Homer… I guess you’re not with Sephiroth right?" Aeris asked. Homer didn’t change his gaze.
"HEY!" Cid shouted. Homer woke from his daze.
"What? What did I do?" Homer demanded.
"Are you a good guy or what?" Cid demanded. Homer thought for a moment.
"Hmm… What was the third choice again?" Homer asked. Cid slapped his forehead. His cigarette fell to the ground.
"He couldn’t be with Sephiroth. He doesn’t have the wits!" Cid commented as he lit a new cigarette. Aeris stepped forward.
"Don’t say that Cid! He saved my life!" Aeris defended Homer. "He probably just isn’t bright."
"Thank you," Homer replied. The group fell silent again. "So um… You guys wouldn’t know how to get back to Springfield would you?"
"So, let me get this straight… You're saying that you come from another world, you were sucked into another world, and ended here in our world?" Cloud displayed the facts. Homer stared at Cloud dully.
"OK…" Cloud sighed and began to pace around the altar. "I don't quite know where you could enter this world… But only one place seems to come to mind that could send you back." Cid, Tifa, and Aeris gasped.
"You don't mean…!" they all said in unison.
"Yes… The Promised Land!" Cloud said. An organ chord could be heard in the background. Lightning strikes in the background. Homer looks from side to side where the commotion is coming from. He scratches his head and turns back to the group.
"So where can we find the Promised Land?" Homer asked. The chord played again along with the lightning. "Who keeps doing that!" Cloud brought his hand to his chin.
"We can probably find it in the Crater," Cloud deducted.
"Why do you think that Cloud?" Aeris asked. Cloud looked to Aeris and held a small booklet.
"Because I looked in the back of the strategy guide and the last topic was the Crater," Cloud said nodding.
"Aaaccheater…" Cid pretended to sneeze. Cloud glared at him.
"Anyway, You can come with us Homer to the Crater and maybe we'll find some way to get you home," Cloud told Homer. "Now, Let's get out of here before something else falls from the sky." Cloud gestured to follow and the team slowly filed out. The altar was left silent. The only thing remaining was Sephiroth's Masamune, which he seemed to leave everywhere. Suddenly, a figure jumped down from above and landed on the altar. He croaked.
"Ahh! I haveth you Masamune!" Frog croaked. He grabbed the sword and hopped into the water.
The team slowly made it's way out of the city and towards the Glacier Area. The Icicle Inn slowly came into view.
"There it is," Cid called pointing at the town.
"And we didn't even have to get into a fight," Aeris told Cloud. Homer stepped over to Cloud and tapped him on the shoulder. Cloud turned to him.
"What is it Homer?" Cloud asked.
"Uhh… I think those guys want to talk to you," Homer gestured to three rabbits with carrots in the back ground.
"Hey! I didn't here any explosion saying we entered battle," Tifa thought aloud.
"Dear God! They're rabbits and they have carrots for weapons!" Cid said in awe. "They've got to be even more powerful than Jenova!" Cloud pulled out his sword. "Let's get 'em!" Cloud shouted. Cloud and Tifa rushed at one rabbit as Cid and Aeris took another. Homer stared dully as a rabbit rushed towards him. "Huh?" Homer blurted as the rabbit smashed him in the head with the carrot. "Owww! Stop that!" The rabbit began to chase Homer across the battlefield. Cloud quickly disposed of his opponent and went to help Cid and Aeris. Homer began to run out of breath. As he rushed over the snow, he missed a step and began to slip. "Whooooa…" Homer cried as he fell backwards. "Ehh?" the rabbit cried as Homer collapsed on him. Homer got up and looked at the area where the rabbit had been. Cid skewered the rabbit and killed the last rabbit. They all looked to Homer. "Good you got him! Hey. Where'd you get that carrot from?" Cloud asked Homer. The rabbit's carrot stuck out of his mouth. "Umm… Nowhere…?" Homer replied. The team waited for the victory music. (Fanfare Music Cues Up…!) Cloud spins his sword. Tifa cracked her knuckles. Cid took a smoke from his cigarette. Aeris brushed herself off. And Homer leapt into the air shouting "Woohooo!" The team slowly continues to the town. They look around the area. "OK… Let's find a path to lead us towards the glacier, and then the crater," Cloud told the team. "Not so fast!" a voice rang out from behind them. The team turned to see Elena with two Shin-ra soldiers. "How could you do that to Tseng!" "Tseng? But Seph…" Cloud was about to explain but Elena interrupted him. "Admit it Aeris! You wanted Cloud so much, not only do you have to ruin Tifa's life, but you couldn't let me be happy either!" Elena screamed. Aeris blushed, not sure what to say. "And you're team mates are morons too! A guy who promotes smoking, a stupid ninja/thief, a guy who looks like a vampire and has a pineapple haircut. Oh! What about that talking lion who has Post Traumatic Depression! You even recruit fat moogles with cats riding on their backs. She gazed at Homer. "Another fat guy huh? What's your name? You guys pick the stupidest names anyway! Let me guess? Cid? No maybe it's Crono!" Elena grew red in the face. "I'll show you!" Elena pulled back her fist and punched Homer with all her might. To everyone's surprise, Elena was deflected from Homer and sent rolling down the hill. The Shin-ra guards went rushing after her. Cloud looked through the FF7 Strategy Guide. "Wow! That was better than in the game!" Cloud told the team. Cid swiped for it but Cloud quickly pulled it away and hid it in his inventory. "Let's go on…" Tifa broke the silence. "We'll need a way down the hill," Cloud said looking down the hill. "I've got it!" Cid called rushing from somewhere. "We'll use this snow board!" "Where'd you get that?" Cloud inquired. "I stole it from the kid who lives in this house," Cid said nonchalantly. They decided it wasn't anything different from stealing stuff from citizen's around town. "You coming Homer?" Cloud asked. "Psst… No," Homer mocked him. "I, being the skilled woodsman I am, always have something prepared for this sort of thing." "Well… OK. We'll see you at the bottom of the mountain," Cloud told Homer as they all struggled to fit on the board. The team slowly departed down the hill. "I'll show them!" Homer said aloud. He walked behind the shop and pulled out a huge snow sled from his inventory. (This isn't unusual for Square games) The name on the sled was stenciled in FLANDERS. Homer fired up the snow sled and raced down the mountain after the team. Homer found his friends at the base of the hill, lying face first in the snow bank. "Have a nice trip?" Homer asked Cloud. Cloud pulled himself from the snow. "Could have been better," Cloud humored Homer as he noticed him stuffing the snow sled into his inventory. Cloud brushed himself and helped Aeris to her feet. "Now, if this map I got is correct, all we need to do is climb those cliffs over there. The Gaea Cliffs" Cloud pointed out to the ominous Gaea Cliffs. "Cloud? Why are they called the Gaea Cliffs and not the Gaia Cliffs?" Aeris asked. Cloud scratched his head. "Probably bad translating… OK, let's go Aerith, I mean Aeris," Cloud motioned forward. "Wait a #$@%*& minute!" Cid shouted. The team turned to Cid. "I'm tired, hungry, and I haven't heard that crappy music they play when you go to sleep for a while. So, unless you wanna see that stupid Game Over screen, you better let me switch out of this party!" Cid complained. He crossed his arms and stood tall. Cloud looked to Tifa and Aeris, who also nodded. "Well OK… But we need a save point first," Cloud reminded them. "Homer, scout over there. I'll check over here." He pointed behind a snow bank and began to proceed the other direction. Homer quickly climbed hill and looked down. All he saw was a few trees and a deer blocking something. "Hey! It's one of those stupid Poland Springs animals! Get the hell out of here you $#%@^&#@!" Homer shouted as he lunged for the deer. The deer cried out and ran away. Behind it, there was a sign labeled Poland Spring and Save Point, pointing in opposite directions. "Hmmm… I wonder if this is the sort of Save Point Cloud was talking about…" He called back for the group and within seconds, they stood around the sign. "Good job Homer!" Cloud told him. "Now, all we need to do is follow this to the save point… which is on the way to the Gaea Cliffs!" He nodded and gestured for the team to continue. The team filed back but Homer ran back and twisted the sign so it showed the directions opposite. Homer giggled and ran off. The team entered a frozen grove right off of the cliffs. The save point stood right outside a cave in the grove. Cloud stepped into the grove and took out his PHS. Homer huffed and puffed as he watched Cloud try to make his call. "Why the hell did we walk all the way here to use that stupid looking light!" Homer demanded. Cid took a puff of his cigarette. "Simple. Cloud is a cheap %#^$&*@ and won't pay for a better company!" Cid coughed from the cold. "I'm sorry. But your PHS is temporarily out of range. Please try again in a few moments," the PHS operator told an angry Cloud. After a few moments, Cloud managed to call Vincent, Red XIII and Barret. Within a few moments, they were gathered in the grove. "How'd they get here so fast?" Homer was confused by this whole concept. Cid shrugged. "It beats the heck out of me!" Cid replied. The team's quickly flipped around and the new teams were established. "OK!" Cloud called to the team. "We're all set." Cid, Tifa and Aeris nodded and disappeared over a snow bank. Homer quickly examined the new party and went over to Red XIII. "Uhh… Excuse me…" Homer tapped Red's shoulder. "What?" Red XIII asked irritably. "Your tail is on fire," Homer said plainly. Red XIII turned from Homer and ignored the comment. Homer tapped his shoulder again. "What is it!?" Red XIII moaned irritably. "Your tail is on fire!" Homer reminded him. "I KNOW!" Red XIII shouted. "OK," Homer nodded. Cloud got up in front of the group. "Let's go guys!" Cloud shouted over the wind. They began to head towards the cliff. As they left, Homer tapped Red XIII one last time on the shoulder to ask if he wanted his tail put out. Red XIII politely put down the offer.