CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE TO EVEN THE MOST OPEN-MINDED INDIVIDUALS!
Hi, the following rich rant has been lost on my PC for nearly 2 years. It was sent to me right after the one that follows it.. I didn't want to put 2 new on so quickly, figured I'd space them out a little, a little goes a long way or something .. I thought since THE Alan actually surfs BFP still, it'll give him something to read.. also the top photo of Spy V, from the beginning of this year is new? hopefully this will warm the hearts of men & maybe some chicks too?? well hope everybody has a holiday, take care & or die .. tc 12 24 04
NOW FOR THE SPY RANT:
Now during this one time only offer you too can enjoy the naive benefits of
the Flat Earth Society. Forget what you have been told , believe only what
your own 2 eyes can show you, the rest is propaganda. Dont let them corrupt
you with their so called facts (facts are subject to interpretation just
like opinions). Dont let them tell you what is right and what is wrong, they
run the round world.
Here on Flat Earth we have evolved into disbelief. We thumb our noses at
their ignorance,and scoff openly at their impotence. Believers have no power
save one,population. There will always be more of them, but it takes a true
unbeliever to instill change.Opposition is the key to existing amongst the
"Rounder's". If you really want to stir things up chew with your mouth open,
color outside the lines, leave the seat up, and talk during the movie.
Conformity is surrender. Surrender means a life of Martha Stewart living,
Meet the Press, and Who wants to be a Millionaire.
SPY V 01 25 04
Where the hell have I been? That is a great question. One that I have been asked many times by the dedicated few who still sign on to read the mindless drivel that I seem to ooze. The answer to that question is simple. I don't know. I have been distracted, used, rejected, denied, misled, and over confidant. Eventually you pay a price for the choices you make. That is where I have been, paying the price.
Reality is a mutha! So am I. Enough of this shit.
Its time to defile, disgrace and criticize. Off go the gloves, on comes the attitude, and out the window with any sense of common decency. I suppose I could drone on and on about the hand that life has dealt me, the betrayal of trusted friends, the lies, the humiliation. The problem with that is, that's just life, and not very interesting. It's the same for all of us on this spinning ball of mud that we call home.
Vague revenge can be just as sweet. Be subtle, show them all in the most round about way possible. Get them thinking, keep them thinking, make them wonder what you're going to do next. Make them wonder when and how your going to strike and then don't. Many a battle has been won without firing a shot. A new Phoenix rises from the ashes every day. The question is, are you the Phoenix, or the ashes?
SPY V 012404
Get back! Back I say! You heathens it's hard enough to write without you flinging your severed limbs all over the place. There's no way all that blood came from one body dude, lets at least try to keep it realistic. Sorry about that. We here at bloody fun have always tried to provide the best in, no budget gore , cheap laughs, and absolute lack of taste. We are proud of this and hope to continue on in this tradition if I have to kill somebody. We appreciate any response, even if your suggestions may have something to do with us and our favorite farm animals. Please believe that we would never really harm an animal although the depiction of such an event might prove interesting, and could probably never be proven anyway. The point ( you may have found yourself searching for one) is not really even clear to me so let's just move on shall we. Let's say you find yourself stranded in line at the drive through, 98 degrees and the air conditioner is broken, and some corporate super soccer mom decides to take the entire team out for burgers and fries and shakes. Only they don't all want burgers, or they don't all want onions, and some want sundaes some with sprinkles and some without. The sun beats without mercy on the black asphalt and rebounds in waves that liquify your vision, your eyes squinting from the overall glare as well the razor sharp reflection of the sun that originates from the gleaming chrome bumper of soccer moms spotless super SUV. Is it wrong to consider violence at this point, I mean on one hand I don't condone violence against women and children, but I mean what about that one little bas$%# that's making all the faces at you out the back window, or the one in the seat in front of him wailing like a fire siren, so loud that you can hear him over the s.s.m's droning voice as she asks the girl at the drive through if she'll hold on for just another minute please. this is a fundamental question of ethics. SPY V
Well here we are , high summer, and if your lucky you have an air conditioner. I do not ,much to my chagrin . Summer is a very special time of year , in that it has its own special set of peeve's. The heat being the most obvious, humidity coming in at a close number 2 ( have you ever had a bead of sweat run down the back of your neck, right between your ass cheeks , and then drip out the leg of your shorts?) (have you ever jumped into your car only to jump right back out and do a little dance because of vinyl seats?)( have you ever pried a lawn dart loose from the skull of the little kid that lives next door?)( have you ever been laughed back into the water?)( have you ever walked into the fly tape?)( have you ever had to wring out your pillow case?)( have you ever found a hypodermic poking out of your sand castle?) That being said have a nice summer. Spy V (072802)
So let's once again dive headfirst from the pinnacle of good taste, into the dark ,oozing depths of cynicism. All NFL referee's need kicked in the nut's, twice, and when they get up kick them again. These guy's suck, and the worst thing about it is, that they think we don't know they suck! Despite the bottle's. Santa send these guy's a clue. I have never seen a more frustrating, unjustified, display of incompetence. Last week's game Cleveland vs.. Jacksonville the officials could not have found their asses with both hands. I think they must stand around watching the players on the sidelines because they are sure not watching the game, that I'm watching. I hope they all catch their nose hairs on fire while they smoke Crack before this week's games. Moving on . If a person tells you that they are your friend, and then sleeps with your old lady, wait a week and give him a call. Tell him that you just tested positive , and your not quite sure how to tell your girlfriend.
ranted at the start of 2002 by SpyV
Hobbie's can be fun , have you ever tried to teach yourself how to bend spoons with your mind? If you have your are a moron. I collect comic books. I also listen to really offensive music, and hope to some day harass mimes publicly. Oh yeah , and filming. A special thanks goes out to that mortician guy who showed us how the embalming machine at the funeral parlor worked. Not until it was too late did I realize that the suction hose was hanging down from the ceiling next to my left ear. I'll never wear those short's again.
Well I guess this is goodbye for now, I've still got time to rig my roof with claymore mines before Santa show's. Until next year, piss off! SPYV 12/21/01
Well I guess I should get back to what I was doing before the events of September 11th,
I dont really think that its a good idea to spend much time on the subject.
Im sure we all need a little time off.
I will say this, If you let them change the way that you live your life,
let it change in a way that makes you more willing live your life the way you want to.
Thats what the terrorists were aimed at, enjoy the freedoms that you have,
because someone wants to take them away.
I think I speak for everyone at Bloody Fun, when I say that we will continue our quest to make you laugh til you gag and then puke your guts out in disgust. We do it all out of love of the freedom of expression, and the overall need to make ass's of ourselves on camera.
God bless America.
Summer has nearly ended, soon the kiddies will all be back in school.
Leaves will turn on the tree's, squirrels will ram their nuts into some dark hole and the sun shall flee the sky in mere hours. It is a truly creepy kind of time, the fall of the year.
For if the winter season is symbolic of death, then the fall is the season of dying.
There are all kinds of ways to die.
Quick and painless, or violent and bloody. In your sleep, or fully aware.
Some people die inside long before they give up the ghost.
They die of guilt, envy, excess, and loneliness.
Its not always just natural causes either.
The killers of kings are said to have tongues sharper than knives.
Verbalized into submission , and then death. Is this not murder , no I say it is not.
Anyone willing to lay their neck under the axe, should expect to lose their head and perhaps
Well I never thought it would happen, but it did. After what seems an eternity I have returned to the key board to compose yet another sonnet of frustration. Yes Im back to bitching, and all because you the fans (all three of you) demanded it. Rumours, and speculation, about my abscence have been greatly exagerated. I did not join a cult. Iam not the new roadie for the B-52's. Aliens may have abducted me at some point in my life, but I am absolutely still stuck in Pennsylvania, and have been for as long as I can remember. I did not get married!(women still hate me) I did not contract a flesh eating virus, and no one has offered me a job writing for their crappy magazine.
So why the prolonged hiatus, I just didnt think anyone was reading the rants. Now that I know that is not the case, I will continue the bitching. I think that it is time to rip the holy butthole out of celebrities, super stars, and ego maniacal make up artists who land roles in Tarentino films. Recently I was crushed to find out that someone who I have (had) admired for quite some time now , was really quite a dick! How did I find this out you ask? I met him in person.
Last month myself , as well as my good friend T.C., traveled to Butler ,Pennsylvania to the Monster Bash horror film convention. My primary reason for attending the bash, to meet the great Tom Savini. Upon our introduction, my friend, and I, were treated as mere peasants, and being the mellow individual that I am it took all of 2 seconds for me to be offended. My first instinct was to leap over that display table, and whip the holy Bejesus out of Tom Crusavini, but I decided it would be much more satisfying to assault him on my own terms ,and turf. At one time Tom,excuse me Mr. Savini was just another blood , and gore, geek alot like myself. Waiting for his big chance to happen. Somewhere along the way he forgot that he was simply another mere mortal, he climbed up on his self made pedestal, and gave in to the dark side of fame. Megalomania.
What people like Mr. Savini need to realize is that their talent isnt what makes them famous, talent only gets you noticed. It is the myriad of dedicated fans that you aquire along the way that make you famous, and sought after. I would have expected Tom Cruz to snub me, but Savini your not that big of a star yet you great ass. Until I get an apology Im going to remember you as the most famous jerk Ive ever met. I would also like to state that where I come from,"Sex Machine" (your characters name in From Dusk Till Dawn) is just another way of saying Dildo.
Some time ago one of my friend's mentioned that he would like to purchase one of those...
micro scooter things. Only the one that he wanted had a little electric motor on it.
I tried to explain to him that such a notion was ridiculous, because if I were to see him riding his micro scooter it might provoke me into fits of violence. I then explained to him that
I found the accursed things nearly as aggravating, as mimes and bicycle shorts.
He then put me in my place by saying that it was none of my business,
how he chose to transport himself. Well he may be right, but just for the record,
if any of my friends ever catch me on one, please kick my ass immediately!
Some thing's just aren't meant for public display for example;
performance artists (they just believe that the public wants to see them)
Plus sized women or men in spandex..Tampon commercials..Survivor...
Spy V. 051301
(send me some E-mail, I'm currently looking for suggestions on some new Rant topics,)
(so what do you want to hear me bitch about? Honored to guest write!)
Please check out SpyV's Bloody Fun News offering, here!...tc
Spring,the timeless embodiment of rebirth, a joyous time of the year,
when the harsh cold of winter gives way to the warmth of the May sun.
A time of year, when life almost seems pleasant,
so you stretch your arms wide to the sky, take a deep breath, and swallow a bug!
Your body is then contorted by gagging convulsions, as you power wretch,
finger deep in your throat, in a last ditch effort to avoid digesting the little bastard.
Can you guess what kind of month, I've been having?
I am happy to report that production on our upcoming film has resumed
and spring has brought rebirth for the project "CHROME BABY".
Never the less, I shall continue to shield my lungs from airborne pest's. I hate gagging in public.
If you come here looking for inspiration, enlightenment, maybe some clue as to what it all means, perhaps you should try visiting Kevin Smith's page, that guy knows everything. Nope! I'm just a spy, and my mission which I have gladly accepted (regardless of the risk to my reputation, and social life) is to piss off as many people as I can before I die. If you find yourself asking the question why? The answer is easy, because I can. It's the only thing I was ever good at. Ever since I tortured my big sister's Barbie doll to death as a young lad, I have known my true calling in life. I have been blessed with the gift of irritation. When people say that I'm just a cynical bastard, I just smile with pride, and then ask them if their gaining weight? I wear my contempt, and self loathing like a badge of honor, and with this smoking key board, I roam the Netscape hoping to slay the dragons of modern hypocrisy. Enough, the more I ramble the farther from my purpose I drift. Does it piss you off when?
... you waste fifty bucks on one of those stupid drop toy games?
... you assume that the person you agreed to drive to Florida is paying for gas?
... you try to spit, but the drool strand doesn't break and you end up with a greenie on your jacket?
... your last smoke breaks?
... your cordless phone rings and you find it in the shower?
Its a good thing I can bitch because, god knows I cant act. Well I'm off to make life miserable for some poor mime, tune in next week when I explain my defense plan to stop the mime invasion.
The good in bad guys:
Greed, Lust, Envy, all are considered to be reprehensible character traits (perhaps even sinful).
Violence, cruelty, perversion, these behaviors are also frowned upon in every day society.
What besides their bad reputations do these things have in common?
Each on their own, or all together they are the vital components to an interesting plot.
Audiences cream for the darkside of life. Think about it, even if the story your telling, is about the most innocent, righteous, saint like, character ever, you absolutely must have an equally despicable villain , in order to make your hero truly stand out.
I've always been one to root for the bad guy.
Why? Because in real life I admire people who are brave enough to do what they want.
Like it or not those are the bad guys. Good guys do what they should.
That's lame because it means your bending your will to the approval of your peers.
That is exactly the opposite of what "Independent Film Making" is supposed to be about.
We are supposed to be crossing boundaries, and testing limits, not seeking approval.
If your going to spend time stressing over the rating your film is going to receive,
you need to head west I think, go sell your soul to HOLLYWOOD
let them pick apart and rewrite your vision, perhaps you'll even get your name in the credits.
I'm rambling now, back to the front, EVIL sells.
A good(bad) villain will help you carry even the weakest story, and deify your heroic lead,
so remember if your true goal is to entertain, and, or enlighten,
put at least as much work into your villain, as you do into your hero.
My favorite actor to see cast as a villain, is Christopher Walken (the master).
Say what you will about type casting, some people are just naturally gifted,
Walken was born bad.
"Back off man, I'm an artist"
(these pathetic morons just don't realize the full extent of my talent).
I am highly skilled in a number of areas, and although nothing is coming to mind, I can assure you that I am an expert in just about everything.
I may seem a little self absorbed but, then all of us geniuses are.
I'm sure that in less than five minutes, I can determine exactly what is wrong with you, and just what you need to do to fix it. I know what you should eat, how you should comb your hair, what kind of after shave you should wear on your first date with the mate that I have chosen for you. I have all the answers to all of the questions that I deem important to you.
I hope that you are detecting more than just a little B.S. in what you've just read. Why worry about what other people think you should do? Are they going to pay the rent for you this month, are they going to feed your empty belly this week, do they know what really makes you happy? The only people that matter in life are the people that care about you, when they don't have to. I think you'll find that excluding parents, the people that care about you like you for who you are and not what they think you should be.People that judge me, whether its based on my appearance, my accent, or my overall bad attitude, they suck!
If there is something about me that you don't like.................tough!
If you think your opinion matters.....................it doesn't!
Today's word is extinction, it has an ugly sound and people don't like to think about it , but it happens. Often , and when it does happen there is a renewed outcry for the protection of other endangered species. As always the blame is laid on mankind, our guilt is presumed instead of our innocence. It is true that there are certain species of animals that no longer exist on this planet as a direct result of human influence. Unregulated hunting, pollution, the desecration of wild habitats by both domestic and industrial progress , all of these things have had an undeniable effect on the environment.
But!!!! that's nothing new , that's evolution baby. Extinction is natural. It happens, its been happening for 160 million years long before we ever came along to help out. If it wasn't us it would be something else . Believe it because, someday we will be facing it ourselves. If we are lucky, maybe the Martians will set up some kind of game preserve for endangered humans.
Where does a guy have to go to get a good split personality these days? Usually no further than the closest woman, but where do you go to get an alternate personality of your own?(internetinternetinternet) Cleveland? Odds are you wont be able to pick one up at WALLYWORLD . Here's an idea why don't you just invent one of your own? People do it all the time ...really. You don't have to be a diagnosed schizophrenic, all you have to do is act like something your not. For example ... RU Paul,
Bill Clinton, Bryant Gumball, .... wait that's the wrong list. Well maybe not the wrong list ,just not the one I intended to use.....Oh Hell who really cares anyways ? Its time for the next installment of "Doesn't it piss you off when.......?
...your pet develops a fascination with crotch smells?
...your neighbor tries to sue you for the concussion he sustained when he fell off that ladder outside your bedroom window?
...none of the party pictures turn out except for the ones your buddy got of his ass crack?
...someone yells COPS! and you run for no reason?
I guess I should probably save something for next time, so until then Bloody Fun for one and all.
.... ten useless minutes spent at this keyboard imagining that other
people really give a damn what I have to say, has led to nothing but
a healthy case of writers block. So Im hoping that this pointless ramble will knock something loose. .......@$#%.............@$#%!!!!......
still nothing......getting angry now.......@$#BINGO! Thats the key isntit(IZNTIT) ? Isnt it? Piss me off and I can rave about anything, and why not? This is the RAGE PAGE! Its my duty to piss people off.
No shiny, happy people here compadre. If thats what you came for than I think it would best if you take your bongo's and leave friend. ... now that I think about it...anyone who has ever watched a mime and enjoyed the experience should probably get out of here before we break your LEGS!
With that said .... I think its safe to move on.
How about a little quiz? About what you say?
Well I like to call this "Does It Piss You Off When....?"
"Does It Piss You Off When.....
..Your drunk friend leaves the seat down?
..You realize you did pay with the twenty?
.. Your girl friend catches you doing
.. Some lush at the bar decides that you need a little more spit in your eye?
Any ways Ill be back soon to torture, your frustration twisted souls with more infuriating little tidbits. Just enough to keep you mad. Remember its all just part of the eternal Quest,
the pursuit of BLOODY FUN.