Unfamiliar, yet quite enjoyable and ultimately, wonderfully revealing.
As Tanya, my running partner, and I jogged along, she recounted for me a recent visit she and her husband, Buddy, had made to a local Mexican restaurant. We compared notes along with relating additional harmless yet entertaining morning chit-chat.
During her story, Tanya described an episode to me in which a young child became the center of attention. It's a story, I think, many of us can relate to.
One of a child who appears to want to STAY wherever he or she is, and of parents who desperately want the child to FOLLOW them to their next destination.
A story involving the power struggle that ensues over this battle of wills, the games that are played and ultimately, the outcome - who wins, who loses.
As the story unfolded, I became saddened.
I will do my best to explain why.
I began to think of all the times, (nearly ALWAYS in public places), that my own children had begun such struggles. All too easily, I remembered the feelings of helplessness that threatened to overwhelm me. The KNOWING certainty that all eyes were centered upon my struggle. My every move being watched and critiqued.
Tanya's story told volumes. I could tell as she told the story, that she had in fact done what we all do, as on lookers. She had formed her own opinion as to how she might have handled the situation. Determining, perhaps, what she would have done differently.
I believe, it must be human nature to do so. After all, it's how we LEARN and grow.
Yet, it undeniably creates an added amount of pressure to the individuals involved in the dilemma! So many watchful eyes upon them.
This particular story involved a fascinating water fountain. Right in the middle of the entrance to this semi-casual restaurant. A child was playing at the fountain and obviously enjoying the experience. Not at all interested in leaving.
Oh, and there was a father, standing in his battle stance, obviously VERY interested in leaving.
The child is definitely aware of his father's wishes to leave. The child, as children will do, has essentially decided to ignore his father's desires. Preferring, instead, to fulfill his own curiosity over the fountain.
Dad has already made a grab for the child, which left him empty handed. The child, almost effortlessly avoiding capture. Dad, wisely resists the temptation to make a dive for his son, possibly risking injury to himself, the child and many innocent patrons.
Dad changes tactics. He firmly announces to his son, "Fine. Stay here if that's what you want. But, I'm leaving."
Finally, Dad has succeeded in gaining his son's attention. (Never mind everyone else within hearing distance!)
Now, we have reached the point in this struggle that is clearly labeled the "make or break" point. One might assume that the parent has won this conflict if the child comes running after the parent, terrified of being abandoned. Likewise, if the parent leaves, the child stays, and then the parent has to return to FETCH the child. . .one might assume that the CHILD has won.
In this particular case, the child did NOT follow his father outside. Instead, he chose to stay at the fountain until his Dad was forced to come back inside and collect him.
My sadness continued to grow.
Still running, still listening to Tanya's story, my mind was racing.
I said to Tanya, "You know, I've read in a few articles, that you aren't supposed to leave your children like that. That you should never play that particular game with them."
I said these words hesitantly, as I knew she would be looking to me for an explanation.
I mean, WHY shouldn't you play this game? What was the reasoning behind this philosophy?
For the life of me, I couldn't recall the articles enough to explain their reasoning. I'm not sure, in fact, that I ever read that far into them. Mostly because, for some inexplicable reason, it just made sense to me. Something about pretending to leave your child behind, felt wrong.
Now we had something of REAL issue ponder. I felt my excitement growing. An opportunity to ponder, "out loud" and WITH someone! Wow!
So, where to begin?
It seemed logical to begin our pondering, by establishing the possible negative results of playing the "I'm Leaving" game.
Thinking quickly, I rationalized that for parents to keep their children's respect, it is vital that they not say things they are not prepared to back up.
Therefore, the only time a parent should say to their child, "I am leaving," is when they fully intend to leave, go home and under no circumstances. . .RETURN!
WARNING: This in NO WAY should be understood as a recommendation to parents to LEAVE their children at restaurants, stores, playgrounds, WHERE EVER! (grin)
Whether they live by it or not, most parents know the Golden Rule: Choose your battles carefully. They should be ones you are certain to win.
So now, with Tanya's question, "Well, Dawn, what would YOU do," burning in my mind. . .I felt pressure.
After all, I was pondering out loud! Not the careful, thought out ponderances I normally do in my head. The kind that no one hears about until I've caught all my mistakes and re-worked it a couple hundred times!
No, she was expecting an on-the-spot. . .OUT LOUD ponderance!
My mind was racing! (Our bodies must have been too, as we later finished our run in record time!)
Ah, how to put myself into the mind of a 4-year old? Is it even possible? Grasping, I imagined what motivation this child could have had for challenging his father to this struggle, and in such a public place.
I tried to imagine what emotions the child would experience as he heard his father tell him, "I'm leaving YOU," and then watched his father walk out the door. All eyes now focused on the child.
I then questioned Tanya, "Did the child seem happy, continue to play at the fountain, after his father had left?" She thought for a moment, and then replied, "No, he seemed to get very quiet, actually."
And with her response, I knew I had my answer. I knew what I would have done. And I told her.
"Tanya, if that was my child, and I was ready to leave, and the child had ignored me and been successful in avoiding me, I don't think I would have threatened to leave."
"Rather, I hope I would have gotten down onto one of my knees, to be eye level with him. I hope I would have held open my arms slightly and in a calm and soft voice, filled with as much love as I could muster, say to him:
"Hey. Do you know what? I just realized something. I just realized how much I love you. Watching you there, seeing how grown up you are becoming, I was just filled with the most powerful love for you. . .and I had to tell you. You know, I bet, if God said to me, Daddy, here are all the angels in heaven. You can take your pick. Pick ANY angel you want to have as your son. Do you know who I would pick? I would pick YOU! Know something else I just realized? I just realized that it's been nearly SIX hours since I got a hug from you! I think I just might perish of a broken heart, right here, RIGHT NOW, if I don't get another hug. . .and QUICK!"
I don't know of too many children, or grown-ups for that matter, who would not respond in the very BEST of ways to this type of encouragement and love.
So, why the struggle? Why the public place? And why is it so bad to play the "leave" game?
Proof, I suppose. Something we all crave.
Perhaps, the child's decision to stay at the fountain, was motivated by his need to know love. Just maybe, as the child sat solemnly at the fountain, waiting for his father's return, he was hoping with all his might.. . .chanting unconsciously, "Prove to me that you love me, Daddy. Prove to me that I am worthy of your love. Please, Daddy, walk back in those doors and show all these people that I really am worth something!"
And why, so nearly always, does this battle ensue in a public place? Well, ponder this question. Why does it feel any more special to receive flowers at work, than it does to have them waiting for you at home?
This particular ponderance led to an entire day filled with THOUGHT! I began to think about how important it was to give praise. How necessary it was to make your love FELT. And not just in the obvious ways!
You see, I now know that we all crave this kind of proof. And the irony is, we are all capable of GIVING it! So why, then, isn't MORE of it being spread around?
Do me a favor and recall the last time you received a bit of unexpected praise, maybe even from an unknown passerby.
It felt good, didn't it?
It doesn't take much, and the rewards are immeasurable.
And by all means.. .if something doesn't make sense, something doesn't feel right.. .spend a few moments and PONDER on it!