"Is Happiness a State of the Mind or the Heart?"
Certainly, a mighty question to ponder. And for many, the answer may be fairly clear. But up until about three years ago, I, personally, had not given it much thought.
Of even greater interest to me than this ponderance, are the events that brought it about.
My story begins the summer of 1978 in a small South Carolina town. I was staying with my mother during school break and looking forward to many weeks filled with doing some of our favorite things, like visiting the beach, yard sales, gardening and catching ourselves up on one another.
During those quiet, balmy, breezy days of summer, there was no indication, no sign, no signal. . .nothing to suggest to me that my life would forever be changed.
Yet changed it was.
Not too soon after my arrival, my mother received a phone call, and we received a visitor.
One small, tiny angel. . .who would change my life forever.
For her protection, Amanda had been removed from her mother's custody.
I can vividly recall how quiet and withdrawn Amanda first appeared. Her small body under nourished, and carrying scars from cigarette burns and other such abuses.
For years, my mother had opened her home to foster children who were in need of care and love. It was a part of our lives to open our homes and hearts to these children.
With Amanda, however, there was an instant bonding. I cannot explain the emotion this child evoked in me.
With my mother's guidance, I eagerly took on the responsibility of caring for Amanda. I bathed, dressed and fed her daily. We took walks, me pushing her through the neighborhood in her stroller; we played on the beach, we sang to each other, we were inseparable.
I learned a great many things about myself and life in general that year. I found that I had a lot of love to give that little girl, and with that love, she blossomed. Every day her body and spirit grew. The scars, which had once been so obvious, were replaced with a warm glowing tan and a soft precious smile. She was the last waking thought I had each evening, and the first thought of my every day.
All too soon, my summer was over and it was time for me to return to Kentucky, and school.
Leaving her behind was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do.
I recall crying and pleading with my mother who eventually agreed to inquire about adoption possibilities. I felt better about leaving with my mother's promise and the thought that all would work out.
Sadly, it was not to be. You see, there was someone else who wanted Amanda -- her grandmother.
Amanda's custody eventually went to her grandmother, who lived a few hundred miles away from my mother. Much to my heartache, Amanda's grandmother chose not to say in touch, not to respond to our letters, or requests for pictures and updates.
As hard as it was to accept, I never saw or held Amanda Dawn again.
Have you ever had something that was so terrible, so painful, that you preferred NOT to deal with it?
In truth, the mind is a very powerful thing. Mine knew that my heart could not take the pain it was feeling and so IT - my brain, decided to take over.
In an almost automated state, I continued to function. I chose to put away the many photos I had collected of Amanda Dawn, it was easier NOT to think about how much I missed her presence in my life.
In turn, my mother was kind and did not bring her up in conversations. And slowly, ever so, the memories and the pain began to fade.
And until a few years ago, they remained buried, deep, deep within me.
Recently, and I'm not sure why, I gradually began to recall memories from that summer with Amanda Dawn. About this same time, I began to question the course my life was taking.
To the on-looker, I was success in the making. A solid and growing career, a beautiful family and good friends. Even my own mind said "this is good."
But I wasn't happy.
My heart was telling me, "You can do better."
Many questioned my sanity, including myself, but I had an overwhelming urgency, a need, to finish what I had begun so many years ago.
I had given my heart and soul to a child who desperately needed love and kindness -- and I had made a difference.
In retrospect, I realize now that my heart knew I wasn't happy, even though my brain was telling me something quite the opposite.
So, following my HEART, I took a leap of faith and quit my job. I'm in school now, and completing my Early Childhood Education degree.
I hope to be teaching kindergarten by the year 2000.
Am I happy?
Never, more so.
Do I think happiness is a state of mind?
Try listening to YOUR heart for that answer?