I was born in Memphis, TN on May 27, 1981. I came into a loving home as it still remains today. My parents are the prime example of working your way out of the gutter to a life of riches. They are loving, accepting, and most importantly, forgiving. This is there 25th year together.
When I was younger they had to work from 6am to 6pm so I was mostly raised by a nanny. She was kind, but accidentally sparked my underlying hatred of authority. To teach me how to hold my breath underwater she would hold me under for short periods of time. It scared the hell out of me. I used to be the best swimmer, but I would refuse to go in the pool. Then I hopped in and out of several daycares until I was ten. I didn't exactly get along with the other kids. In fact, I'd beat them up and took their boyfriends. To you I annoyed, sorry.
During my 6th grade year I was most popular. During my 7th grade year I was least popular. I started hitting puberty and had bad acne. I was ugly and despised by my fellow classmates. They called me numerous names daily. I still remember being called "The Walking Zit." My depression began here. I was 12. I asked my mom to see a therapist and she laughed. She had no idea. I attempted suicide by overdosing on over-the-counter pills. I once played with a knife wanting to end one pain with another. I didn't. This is also when I started writing poetry. The next year I was popular again, but I still stick up for those picked on with all my heart. No one walks on me now.
My tenth grade year I met Chris, my first love. He loved me too...as a friend. He gave his heart to a girl named Nicole. After 2 years I finally told him that I loved him and he shrugged my heart aside. Maybe I scared him off. . .maybe he didn't care. . . but I didn't ever want to fall in love again.
On October 3rd of my sophmore year, when I was 15, I skipped school to go to a party where I was raped and mentally abused. That is how I lost my virginity. From then on I became a severely depressed, got heavy into drugs, and used men for sex.
My mother found pot in my car and put me in Charter Lakeside where I spent the rest on the school year. That summer I got wasted and was going to kill myself again with a knife. I was going to stab myself in the stomach. I destroyed my room and was about to do the deadly deed when my mother found me and took me to Charter again, where they locked me in a room. That's where I had my 16th birthday. Sweet sixteen my ass.
I went to therapy for a while, took Zoloft and Prozac, before finding Paxil, which worked. I still suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), but I'm working on that. I've never been on a date or trusted anyone. I have a lot of love and hate in my heart. It's very confusing sometimes.
I started the University of Tennessee in Knoxville in 1999. I met my 2nd love Sam in 2001. He finally lost it and physically abused me resulting in my leaving him in 2003. I then got my own place with three kitties (Sidney, Willow, and Kaya), but lost that when I got arrested. My parents made a "deal" with my lawyer, who made a "deal" with the DA that I had to move back to Memphis with my parents. I lost my babies: Sidney went to a friend in Knoxville and died of feline lukemia, Willow is with my friend Bill on Florida (I hear she's happy), and Kaya, the baby, went with me to Memphis.
In Memphis I wasn't allowed to drink, nor drive, nor have friends, nor go out . . . I couldn't even go see a movie with a co-worker. Just work and school (straight A's btw). After months of that (and getting arrested twice for public Intoxication b/c I had to go out to drink and be all sneaky at 23) my parents and I had a big fight and they helped me pack my bags.
So, having no money, no place to live, no food, and no car, I came back to Knoxville to stay with friends, thus violating my probation so I probably have a warrant out for my arrest for Failure to appear, which I'm not really avoiding, just delaying. I'm staying with friends and doing OK for now. I've never been happier than doing what I want to do instead what I've been told I have to do, which is what I've been doing my whole life. Get all that?
Anyway, I think the hardest part is being away from my babies, Sidney, Willow, and Kaya. All I own barely fits into 1 suitcase, and I have to rely on other people, which is what screwed me in the first place. Yet I remain confident that it will all work out. Or I'll die. Either way . . .
(updated October 2005)
I met a guy Teddy in Pompano Beach Florida who's given me a job here and a place to stay. I'm looking into going back to college here and buying a car, so I can make it on my own. Good to know!
