The Dance of Darkness and Light
Finding Peace with the Paradox
Ask A Healer Spiritual Wellness Series
My path of healing (remebering who I AM) has been a relentless, continual journey through some pretty tough creations and co-creations of imbalance. I came into this lifetime with what I believed to be a fairly lofty life mission, to help people heal. It is a life mission that has felt more and more like ego bait as I've traveled it, a soul level set-up, intended to send me thru a path that would teach me what I was NOT. I am not a healer. No one is. There is healing and there are those who, for whatever reason, end up being more aware of how that energy moves.
I was born into an environment that was dominated by poverty, alcoholism and abuse, I nonetheless saw so much Light that it blinded me and kept me in a constant state of confusion as a child. I couldn't find a way to reconcile my day-to-day darkness and pain with the Light that I saw smack dab in the middle of it all.
Nor did I know what to do with the imagery I saw. The dark syrupy energy I saw inside the body when people were ill (physically, mentally or emotionally) was confusing to me and I had no idea that I could help with that kind of situation. Because my mind couldn't understand what it was sensing, I did what many, many children in chaotic environments do .... I shut down the part of myself that knew what was True. I stopped seeing the Light in the middle of the madness, and just accepted the madness as my life.
Light Rushes in Again
I was 28, that magical year for many spiritual beings, when the Light started pushing its way back into my vision. At first, I was horrified and did everything I could to keep it from coming back because, to have it there, meant a divided mind that might lead to insanity. If the Light existed, how could the pain and suffering have happened and continued to happen for so many years? I distracted myself through all the common avenues of distraction youth can find, from alcohol to mild drug abuse to sex to money to seeking awakening. All worked for a while; none worked indefinitely.
Even though I could not embrace the Light fully, I began to study healing in every way that I could find to study it. I studied herbology, aromatherapy, homeopathy, nutrition, energetic healing, reflexology and other alternative energy medicine approaches to healing.
I also looked at traditional medicine and considered training in that arena but there was just something fundamentally out of alignment with my Truth there. I had put bandaids on my own wounded heart all of my life so I recognized the futility of treating symptoms instead of cause. To me, this is what allopathic medicine mostly does....treats or controls symptoms. I'm not saying it has no place; I'm saying there needs to be a strong adjustment in how illness is approached in western medicine, if we want to do more than control symptoms and ease pain at end of life.
A Spiritual Reawakening
During this journey of holistic education and exploration of energy medicine, I slowly begin to reawaken as a spiritual being. The vibrational frequencies associated with all the healing modalities I was studying had it's effect on my own energy field and there came the day when forgetting who I AM was no longer an option. I awakened again to the Light and Truth of why I AM here on earth. I'm here to be myself.
Being oneself may be the ultimate challenge in a construct such as three-dimensional reality because the very fabric of this illusion depends on agreement. We agree that there is an Earth and that we are separate beings on this "earth". We agree to being seperate because we want to play. We want to explore. The challenge, at least for me, is to remember that seperation is an illusion. Being my self is very different than BEING. This persona, this body, is here to create a piece of art. That piece of celestial art, with all it's seeming flaws and imperfection, will live forever. This body will pass but the experience is recorded. It is my painting, this time around. My "healing" has really been the process of remembering who I AM and I see that as every human's journey.
How does healing happen?
I suppose that may be different for each person but, for me, the most effective healing I have experienced in my own life happened alone (in prayer and meditation) or at the hands of a healing facilitator who knew how to get out of the way and let the energy work. Jesus said "where two or three are gathered" and I can testify to the strength of an aware witness. I sought energy work because I was in such pain but I did not realize that I was also being trained (even as my mind, emotions and body were healing) because I remember being acutely aware of what the energy was doing and how the facilitators were working with it, and with me. There was almost a computer-like behavior in some part of my brain that recorded information, even while the entire rest of me was deeply involved in my own healing, releasing and restoring process.
There were times in my journey where I found myself in a space with a healing facilitator and suddenly realized I did not feel safe. Perhaps you've had that experience too? In my case, there were times when I realized that judgments and ideas were being projected on me; that I was not being correctly seen. For a time, I wondered why God would allow me to end up in an unsafe energetic position. At some point, I accepted responsibility for choosing an unbalanced healer because I recognized, in myself, the need to face my own belief that the world was not a safe place. The times that I chose healers who were ego-based and wanting a particular outcome for me, rather than waiting patiently to see what level of healing I could embrace, were the times that taught me the most. Those healers gave me such a gift because I could feel, in my own soul and body, how counter-productive any kind of "energetic push" or preconceived opinion about what should happen was. I could feel ripples of resistance and even pain within as this outer force attempted to bring me to a place I could not yet inhabit. It was part of developing a healthier sense of personal boundaries and self-respect.
It has been a primary goal of mine to avoid counter-productive energy medicine in my own practice, whether that medicine is a pill, a healing modality or a counseling structure. Although there are definitely times when releasing a painful trauma is not easy, if it feels forced or seems to be happening before the structure is in place within the person for supporting a new paradigm then perhaps the unsafe situation exists for reasons of personal growth. Perhaps beliefs around trust, safety, self-respect or trusting oneself are being challenged at a soul level and healing in those areas must precede physical healing. When I walked away from an unsafe situation, the next healing facilitator saw me at an I AM level. I couldn't find that healer as long as I was allowing myself to be in unsafe hands.
I'm not offering in-person healing facilitation sessions at this time but I well remember the shift that happened after I went through my own experiences with healers who tried to make something happen. I learned, by how it felt to me, what NOT to do. In fact, I learned to do less and less and to just be more and more available, as a witness and as a channel for energy that already knew what needed could clearly see what the obstacle or block was, and how it would increase pain and suffering for the person if not released.
I consider this patience and willingness to allow people to keep their pain, to be my biggest test of unconditional love. There have been times when I knew, absolutely knew, that keeping their pain would result in a person's death. Those were the hardest times to be patient and to allow. However, I could do no less without reducing a sovereign master to the level of a helpless child.
Spiritual Health Disclaimer: Nothing on this website is intended to replace a person's own connection with God, their own intuitive guidance and sensing. I offer stories about my own journey in hopes it may clarify something for someone else who is struggling but always trust your own guidance above that of anyone else.