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Inner Turmoil




June 26, 2000

I've been through hell lately, and it's only getting worse. My roommates are going fuckin' nuts, and my love life is now completely nonexistant. I was and am still in love with a girl named Rachel, but that will not go to fruitation. Jesus these fucking names running through my head. Jennifer, Misty, Rachel... All of these have had an effect on me recently. By Misty, I mean my ex-fiance, I have been in contact with her recently and I have felt the stirrings of old emotions welling up, emotions that are best crushed before they rise to the surface. Rachel.... well I would have given her the world, or at least as much of the world as I could, but that shall never happen now. She has shunned my heart and forced it to retreat yet again. Jennifer is a nice girl, but I don't know if she is looking for the same thing that I am at this point.

I wish I knew what to do with my life. I am afraid of only one thing now, being alone. And yet it looks as though that is how it shall be. I sit alone sometimes and think of how easy it would be to end it all, but I always manage to somehow think that it would be a horrible idea. Yet recently my self arguments are becoming less and less convincing. I've begun going back to my old ways again, not the cutting myself, although I'm so close to starting that again, but doing other things.... things that I said I wouldn't do anymore. I've seen the underbelly of a few cities and I've begun frequenting them again. I find that I don't really care about the things that happen when I'm there, and I'll probably end up dead from this if I continue... I wonder if that would be for the best?

Sometimes I wonder what the future holds for me... if it holds anything at all.

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