
June 14, 2000
Well Tenn Ren ended for yet another year, but something is different this time around. Instead of waiting another year to do this again, I'm working another one,in fact it starts this very week. It should be interesting, and I hope a little lucerative as well.
As for my love life... Well that's completely FUCKED UP!!! I've been trying to convince myself that all I have on Rachel is some kind of simple infatuation that will go away. But nope, it seems that I'm actually falling in love with her. Yet another interesting fact that I've recently discovered is that I was wrong in thinking that I was totally over Misty. I've been talking to her again recently as friends, and I've come to the conclusion that, yes, those feelings are still there. Admitedly they aren't as strong as they once were, because I won't let them be.... But I can't completely quell them either.
But anyway back to the entire Rachel thing... Well I do love her, but she is seeing someone else, and even though it hurts me to an unbelievable degree I wish her happiness above my own. I was actually contemplating me just stopping seeing her all together, but then I realized that it would just hurt me more. It looks as though I just may be stuck like this until she gets tired of me and tells me to go away. Why does love suck so much?
I had actually thought up one possible solution, suicide, that same one that periodically pushes its way into my head. I'm not really sure what's stopping me right now other than the way I feel about Rachel. I honestly do think that if she were to just drop me, it would be the final stroke that I need to send me over the edge. I know that she doesn't love me, and I accept the fact that she never will, but there is something that just continues to push me forward, blindly, stupidly. We'll just have to see if I make it out of this one.
My friend Zach once told me I was a survivor... it's what I do... I just wonder if he's right or if this is the final thing that I won't make it through. I'm actually kind of curious to know the answer, I'll just wait and see.