Okay now to the subject at hand my testimony.My name is Esther and I am 27 years old as of October 2000.. I hope that this will bless you and touch your heart in some way..

I was raised in a christian home from the time I was a child. I remember seeing my dad get saved when I was 5 or 6. I remember the change in his life. I was too young to understand at that time.I saw my dad who was an alcoholic a man that I was once afraid of as a child turn his life around 180 degrees. I no longer was scared of him he became my best friend and to this day still is. I have watched him grow with God and experience many heartaches, trials, and tribulations, but he never turned his back on God. He knew what God did for him and to this day has never forgotten. So, all my life I knew that God was good. As a teenager I decided I wanted my own rules and really didn't like people telling me what to do much. So I started my own life that later led me to destruction.

I got involved with many kinds of drugs and I was an alcoholic by the time I was 18. I was involved with witchcraft and other things just trying to be noticed by others. I WAS!!! I was also a bully throughout high school. For some reason I was always ready to start a fight. I stayed in detention quite alot because of that. I watched my best friend get shot by her boyfriend while we were strung out on acid. I watched another friend try or attempt to kill herself. One thing after another. I grew up quicker then I should have and learned life on the streets rather quickly. BY 10th grade I was 16 and I decided to quit school. At that time you could on your own without parents permision or anything. I would run away from home because I wanted no authority and I sure did not want to hear about God. I was raped at 16 and ended up pregnant. I had a miscarriage due to my boyfriend kicking me in the stomach. I did not care. I never really cared. Reality just did not faze me. I did not want rules and I chose to go the party life. So I would try different drugs and have bad trips and hallucinations but nothing seemed to make me realize that I was doing wrong. It was like I had no conscience at all.

By 18, I moved away from home and started partying alot I was lacing cocaine and marijuana together and smoking it.. I was drinking everyday... Then one day I found out that I was pregnant...The father meant nothing to me and I had no feelings for him whatsoever so I did not stay with him.I didn't know what to think or do so I quit everything for the time being and carried her I had problems at the beginning of my pregnancy.. I was 97 pounds when I went to the doctor. For the first 4 months I had gained no weight and the doctor said that my ovary had swollen and that I would not be able to carry her. But I ended up doing fine. Into my 6th month all was well. On December 15, 1992 I had given birth to a beautiful little girl. I named her Paula. She was very healthy and full of life. After a while I decided to go look for happiness.. I was always looking in the wrong places.

I had gotten involved with a guy that I did fall in love with. At the time I did not know but he was involved deeply with crack-cocaine. But by that time it was too late. I was pregnant with a second child. I loved the father so I thought that all would turn out okay.. I was wrong. He was so addicted to crack that he took everything that I had. All my money,he pawned my car, he took my heart and crushed it into a million pieces. I thought that love would see us through but I was wrong!! On Feb 3 1995 I gave birth to a little boy named Joshua. He was adopted by his fathers parents and I do not see him.. I hold his memory in my heart.

I fell apart after all of this and started taking downers and even drinking worse then ever. I hated any form of reality I tried to hide from it.. I cried myself to sleep..Over and over I would relive my life. I was full of whys and what ifs? I never got any answers. I could not understand why everything was falling apart.. Why did I hurt so bad? Paula was living with her father he got custody of her and still has her to this day, and my son was gone.. I had lost everything I loved. Soon After I was diagnosed with cancer.. I didn't care whether I died or not at that time.. But in my own way I was scared.. I never imagined my life to be over with at such a young age, but I was willing to accept it at this time. I felt as if I had nothing to live for. I was totally and completley in a state of depression and would try everything to ease the pain. I would drink alone until I would eventually just pass out. I would awake the next morning in the floor somewhere wondering how I had got there. I was destroying myself more and more each day. Then one day,I visited my parents and my dad prayed with me. When I went back to the doctor the cancer was gone.. I could not believe it why would God want to help me I did nothing for him but live a life of complete misery!? My dad had enough faith for me that day when I had none. I just did not know what to think at this point.I was starting to break and my heart was very thankful.. But How could God help me if I could not help myself?

I got involved in a very abusive relationship physically. I was being under the control of this person. He was a complete alcoholic and would black out and go crazy and say things to hurt my feelings as well as come after me with knives and hit me with other objects. He would then come to and not remember a thing after he had totally humilited me as well as destroy my self esteem.. i would cry and beg him to stop and he would laugh at me. It was like everytime that I looked at him, I could see the devil in his eyes looking at me and laughing. Things kept getting worse and worse. I left once and he began to stalk me and then he would call my parents house and threaten me. I went back once but things just were falling apart.. This is when I heard Gods voice say "get out of there tonight or you will not be alive by morning" I knew that was possible so I hid from him until he was gone and I got a friend to bring me to my parents house..

That night changed my life. This happened in July 1997, I cried out to God to please help me I was falling apart.. I could not take nomore pain and heartache.. This is when I had to let my past go and let him have it.. I praise God for being beside me and guiding me along the way.. It is not a bowl of cherries but with God s strength he has given me peace and a new life. He is my first love when nobody else loved me and my best friend and the rock of my salvation and most of all MY GOD!!!! I do not think of any of these experiences as a punishment or as a regret. I have learned from them and everyday I grow closer to God through it. I am a stronger person more now then ever. Each day he walks beside me just like Psalms 23 says. He is my shepherd and he continually guides me through the paths of righteousness.

For more information on salvation or a sample prayer that you can prayer please CLICK HERE!!

UPDATE- August 2000

I just wanted to make an update since I have not in quite some time. I wanted to mention that about a little over two years ago I married a man that I thought I had known. We are now divorced. We never did know one another and it fell apart. Our differences in beliefs and lifestyles and everything greatly influenced the divorce. I tried to work things out before the divorce happened but he just gave up and did not fight for our marriage. It was very hard for me because the man that I loved that said for better or worse took those vows and threw them in the garbage. It has been heartbreaking and only God knows just how hard it has been. I am praying that he will once more give me the strength to make it through another time of turmoil and distress.

Also, I would like to mention to anyone that comes to my page to keep me in your prayers my health has been taking a toll on me over the last year. They have found pre cancerous cells and I have had surgery once for them to be removed but when I went for my follow up after that they were still there. I know that everything will be fine and I am in no way dying or giving up for that matter.

When I say that we all struggle sometimes from the choices that we make I really know what that means more now then ever. I just pray as I say this and maybe it will help someone that stops by this page. THink of what you are doing and how it can affect the rest of your life. Most of all keep your heart and mind always focused on our Lord knowing that he is the only one that can see you through the most difficult and trying times of your life. Remember to stop and know that he is God everyday. Do not let a day pass that you do not thank him for your life .. We are not promised tomorrow so we should make each day special so that others around us can see that Lord in us.

Update-November 2000

Hi there, just another update to let everyone know that God has given me strength to make it through a difficult year. I have learned that sometimes things happen because we choose to go the opposite direction from the way that God wants us to go. If it is not in his plan than things seem to not work out. I have found that to be very true. IT is sad that we must make mistakes sometimes to learn from them, but we do grow and that is the important thing. Nobody in life is perfect but Jesus himself and we must try to live to his example, but at times that can be hard to do. I thank all my friends for standing by me through this for all your prayers and support and most of all for being my friends. I thank God for you all each and everyday. You are all very special to me . Thank You!!

UPDATE JANUARY 2001

Well here is the beginning of another year! I am excited as I have so many things that I have learned and grown from through life's trials. I am thankful that God has helped me through them all and given me strength to hold my head high! He is an ever present help in time of need. Isn't it so amazing what God can do. Thank You Jesus..

Here is a poem that I was inspired to write the other day as I was reading Gods word about love.

"LOVE"

Everyday is one more moment in time, Somedays with reason and some are with rhyme.

Some are sad while others are glad,

Some are shattered with tears, Others are filled with our worst fears.

But if we look to Jesus above, We will continue to find neverending love.

Love is patient, love is kind, It never looks for weaknesses because it does not mind.

It is there through good times and bad, It does not become jealous or even mad.

It loves you just as you are, and to it you are always a shining star.

It wipes the tears away from your eyes, Never does it tell a lie.

It picks you up each time you fall down, and replaces a smile where there was a frown.

It's compassion reaches farther than the sea, Unconditional is what it will always be.

Jesus is our one and only love, sent from God in heaven above.

So Look to him in time of doubt, When you are unsure or wonder what love is all about.

Written by: Esther "November 2000"

Also please feel free to email me at the address below with any questions or comments that you may have or even just to let me know that you stopped by.. May the peace and joy of God be with you through your daily walk with him!

UPDATE 2002

Well another year is just about over!!.. A little new news would be that my dad passed away February 9, 2001 that was a very hard day for me. As i watched him praying to God with his last breath it gave me such great comfort knowing that he is in Heaven no longer does he have pain or sadness but joy and peace. It brought me and my family great sadness to lose to me not only my dad but he was also my best friend.. He was the man that held me up when I would fall down and the one who accepted me and lead me to God in all things. Good Bye DAD...

Last year I had one of my poems published through the International Library of Poetry the poem was called " A Mother's Prayer" and it was written for my children.. You can go to http://www.poetry.com to view it by typing in my name and it will bring it up if you would like to check it out...Thank you again to all my friends and family who continue to pray and keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.. God Bless all of you...

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Email: esther_bradley@hotmail.com