REDNECK JOKES

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REDNECK JOKES

You Might Be A Redneck If:

ya continuously stare at a can of orange juice cause it says CONCENTRATE.
a cop pulls ya over and asks for id, and ya show him yar belt buckle.
ya bought ya last suit and the tires for ya pickup at the same store.
ya think hitting a deer at 60 mph is fast food.
more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War General.
ya think the stock market has a fence 'round it.
ya think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
ya've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
yer front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
yer coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
ya ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
ya think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

HEY, WEUNS IS JIST GETTIN' STARTED Y'ALL!!!....

YA MIGHT JIST BE A REDNECK IF:

there is a stuffed possum anywhere in yer house.

ya hammer bottle caps into the frame of yer front door to make it look nice.

ya've ever shot anybody fer lookin' atja.

ya own a homemade fur coat.

yer wife can climb a tree faster than yer cat

yer momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of yer car.

ya go to the family reunion to pick up women.

yer brother-in-law is yer uncle.

ya've raked leaves in yer kitchen.

ya own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

ya've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

yer hairdo has ever been ruint by a ceiling fan.

there is a gun rack on yer bicycle.

yer momma has ever stomped into the house and announced. "The feud's back on!".

yer family tree does not fork.

yer wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

the dog catcher calls fer a backup unit when he visits yer house.

yer an expert on worm beds.

ya ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

ya think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

fewer than half of yer cars run.

ya've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

Dear redneck son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived
here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to
change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you
wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to
send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in
the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a
baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if
you're an aunt or an uncle.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

LAST NAME: _______

FIRST NAME: (check one)

_____ Billy-Bob
_____ Billy-Ray
_____ Billy-Sue
_____ Billy-Mae
_____ Billy-Jack
_____ Billy-Bob

AGE: _____

SEX: _____ M _____ F _____ N/A

SHOE SIZE: _____ Left _____ Right

OCCUPATION: (check one)

_____ Farmer
_____ Mechanic
_____ Hair Dresser
_____ Unemployed

SPOUSE'S NAME: __________

RELATIONSHIP TO SPOUSE: (check one)
_____ Sister
_____ Brother
_____ Aunt
_____ Uncle
_____ Cousin
_____ Mother
_____ Father
_____ Son
_____ Daughter
_____ Pet

NUMBER OF CHILDREN LIVING IN HOUSEHOLD: _____

NUMBER THAT ARE YOURS: _____

MOTHER'S NAME: __________

FATHER'S NAME: __________ (if not sure, leave blank)

EDUCATION: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

DO YOU _____ OWN OR _____ RENT YOUR MOBILE HOME?

_____TOTAL NUMBER OF VEHICLES YOU OWN
_____NUMBER OF VEHICLES THAT STILL CRANK
_____NUMBER OF VEHICLES IN FRONT YARD
_____NUMBER OF VEHICLES IN BACK YARD
_____NUMBER OF VEHICLES ON CEMENT BLOCKS

FIREARMS YOU OWN AND WHERE YOU KEEP THEM:

_____ Truck
_____ Bedroom
_____ Bathroom
_____ Kitchen
_____ Shed

MODEL AND YEAR OF YOUR PICKUP: __________194_

NEWSPAPERS/MAGAZINES YOU SUBSCRIBE TO:

_____ The National Enquirer
_____ The Globe
_____ TV Guide
_____ Soap Opera Digest

_____ NUMBER OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN A UFO
_____ NUMBER OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN ELVIS
_____ NUMBER OF TIMES YOU'VE SEEN ELVIS IN A UFO

HOW OFTEN DO YOU BATHE:

_____ Weekly
_____ Monthly
_____ Not Applicable

COLOR OF TEETH:

_____ Yellow
_____ Brownish-yellow
_____ Brown
_____ Black
_____ N/A

BRAND OF CHEWING TOBACCO YOU PREFER:

_____ Red-Man

HOW FAR IS YOUR HOME FROM A PAVED ROAD?

_____ 1 mile
_____ 2 miles
_____ Don't know

Now, all you folks from Arkansas, WE'S A-JIST A FUNNIN', NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!

I take no credit for the composition of these jokes. They came from various and sundry places.

How 'bout these funky redneck colors?

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Email: Eileen Wheeler