I wished upon the first star I saw tonight. However, I don't think I'll get my wish, since the first star I saw was Jerry Seinfeld.
I just flew in from San Diego and boy are my arms tired. (bud ump ching) Buts seriously folks, isn't life crazy? Take my wife, no really take her please. (bud ump ching)
I knew about the surprise party a while ago. I figured it out about the time John was supposedly renting a movie and Jenn was supposedly babysitting, when in all actuality the penguin was hiding under my bed with a can opener.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Once in a while someone says to me "Be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it." This usually bothers me, since I tend to want what I'm wishing for. But I guess what they're referring to is the Midas Touch story. You see, there was this old King Midas who wasn't careful of what he wished for, and when he got his wish everything he touched turned into mufflers.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
______ is the name of some kid.
Crackass Buttmunch is the name of some kid.
I watched a movie today so scary it curdled my blood, which happened to be a good thing since the vampire couldn't even get half a pint.
Love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
There are some things you just can't do in life. Like fit more than six of those pink and blue people in one of the colored station wagons.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I...
Here are some definitions straight out of Webtser's Dictionary.
Plate tectonics: building plates out of Lego.
Polar forces: Santa's secret service.
Devil's advocate: Hell's newspaper.
Rotting deer carcass: a rotting deer carcass.
THE FIRST TIME
The sky was dark
The moon was high
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!
At this moment I am being attacked by a psycho, and in my efforts to grab something to hit him with, I am accidentally hitting the keys to type this sentence.
Along time ago in a kingdom far far away lived a fair maiden whose beauty was unparallelled and then..............................................................................................................................................................she died!!!
I now have terrible indigestion due to something I ate today. Yup, someting I had at dinner is certainly not agreeing with me. I'm guessing that the most likely culprit is the lettuce, which was used to garnish the slab of raw pork.
I never knew how tough people were until i had one for dinner.
Please excuse the lack of words in the next few lines. Afsdgf sjdfgh fgf d oiuw lzkjxdlvk mnbiriu mnzsfl, oasudfyhb jh jhjdf h powqa. Lasdfa aofi woieb-oaije oaihje nvjddn, akjf jahsgdf disuyi iurt mnbocu dhb, aksjhf iuer wieu dxjh njhsakdj? Shd dfjh fds siauw oueyori uyosi ydfoadjdgh oqiweu pplplpsoad nms. Usdjfh klajsdhf fdjas afiops.
Join the Army. Travel to exotic new places. Meet strange exciting people.........and kill them.
Have you ever noticed that of the five (sometimes six) vowels, four (sometimes five) are on the top row of letters on the keyboard? The middle row has one vowel, and the bottom row is at a loss for words. Unless you call "zxcvbnm" a word.
I hate it when i go to resturaunts and get coffee and they don't give me sugar and cream. I mean coffee without sugar and cream is like sex without bananas.
Garbonzo beans remind me of Gonzo.
Gonzo reminds me of the Muppets.
The Muppets remind me of Jim Henson.
Jim Henson reminds me of garbonzo beans.
Well, that worked out nicely, didn't it?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Well, my diaper needs changing so I'm going to be taken off life support now. Just wake me up by blowing your nose in the toaster.
Is a dermatologist's knowledge only skin deep?
Q: What do Popeye and babies have in common?
A: They both go "agagagagagagah!"
I heard the other day that eating yams actually increased sexual drive. Maybe that's what Popeye meant when he said, "I yam what I yam!!"
After leaves have fallen from the tree and lay on the ground, shouldn't they be called "gones"?
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
If someone were to hit me over the head with an axe, I don't think I'd remember it too well.
*****Re: random humor 16 - Maybe the cow thing?*****
Q: What's your name?
Okay I feel we must establish some ground rules.
1. This is called random HUMOR if it's not funny don't send it.
2. This wasn't funny
3. I'm not responding to it
I wish I could click my heels together three times and go home. On second thought, I wish I could click my heels together three times and go to Bermuda.
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
Hi, my name is Nate and I'll be your tour guide today. To your right is a wall, possibly with some things in front of it. To your left, there is also a wall, maybe with some stuff in front of it as well. In front of you is a computer monitor. This concludes today's tour. If you have any questions, consult the manual.
Save Santa a trip--be naughty!
If you have a roommate, here's what you should do. Write "to do" lists in large print, and leave them out where your roommate will see it. Always make the last thing "Kill roommate." Every day, complain about how you never finish everything on your list.
Never say die. Dye is okay, but, well, die is okay too. Never mind.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
So you're laughing at how stupid my jokes are, huh? Well, laugh all you want...some day I'll be funny, and then you won't be laughing any more.
What did one psychic say to the other? You're fine, how am I!!!
Did you know that historic figures John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes were named after popular comic strip characters?
Life is not like a box of chocolates, as Forest Gump said. Life is more like a box of cereal. And unless they're weird, your kids will eat it.
I don't have any enemies. I like to think that this is because I'm a friendly and thoughtful person. However, the real reason is because all of my enemies have been cut up into little pieces and made into cat food.
My wildest dreams were granted true last night when the tooth fairy and wonderwoman fought over me. Then I realized it wasnt' the tooth fairy and wonderwoman.... it was my brother dressed in drag and some strange man in leotards....then I realized it wasn't them either.....it was even worse it was.....oh it's too aweful to say....it was the WWF
Well, I gotta go - nature calls. And it doesn't leave messages or have a number at which you can reach it. It's just a bunch of animals deep in the jungle, racing to avoid the storm. The Geo Storm, that is. Poor animals, they don't stand a chance.
Two Guys in A Locker Room Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit."
I'll see you in the not too distant future, or maybe the past, but definitely not in the present. I would never allow myself to be covered in wrapping paper and tied up in ribbon.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.
If life is like a stage, I want better lighting.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
***** switch *****
This Just in:
A truck load of Viagra has just been hijacked off I-95 hours ago.
Area police said they're on the lookout for a group of hardenedcriminals!
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Rehab is for quitters
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
"In the beginning there was nothing... then there was EXCEL 97... Hmm... Okay, before that there were some other versions of Excel... and some nachos. But nothing else... and Excel 97 did calceth thy numbers and it hath plotteth thy data... And lo, it was draggeth-and-droppethed into thy lesser applications... And this was good and the world was at peace and stuff."
New country western rap song...
"Gimmy crack whore and I don't care"
I discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.
***** Switch back *****
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress aboveher waist.
"A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
"'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
It's good to have self-confidence. It's just nice to have a reason for it.
What is the difference between erotic and kinky? erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken
I may not be fast, but I sure am slow.
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
A gaping chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight
Smile! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I know the best...But I can't seem to do it. I think it's the drugs.
You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep
RE: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off."
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours
A day without sunshine is like night.
My friends told me last week that I was abusive. I didn't agree. So I ate them.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance
People tell me I'm deaf.
***** eric's 47 *****
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Anyway, my main question about swordfighting technique is this: How come, when you see a swordfight in the movies, where two guys are doing everything they can to kill each other, and one of them finally gets the upper hand and has his sword point pressed against his enemy's neck, instead of killing him -- which he has been trying hard to do for 10 minutes -- HE MAKES A SPEECH, usually involving the word ``varlet''? Because while he's yakking, the other guy ALWAYS gets away.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? ~~~ "Dam".
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question
I don't like candy, but if I did, I think that I would like reeces pieces. No logic is attached to this.
What is a zebra? ~~~26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
"Star Trek" on Novocain: To poldly bow air mobius gumby four!
Stinky people always smell bad.
A hamster is a lot like a Ho-Ho--soft on the outside, creamy in the center.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
A bad Scrabble player: Inconsonant with bad vowel movement
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals was that wearen't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements inwith your bills now?
As if bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels . . . I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
I love going in to houses of hunters and seeing ferocious looking stuffed bears. They always say they were about to be attacked by the bear. In all actuality the bear was sipping water by a lake, minding it's own business and bam...the hunter takes a cheap shot. That's why when i display the humans i've killed, they are fat and sitting in a recliner. But you know nothing about that okay...
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or you gave birth to it.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and those great big furry spiders.
I'm a very environmentally aware person. I whole-heartedly endorse the new "Stop Global Whining" campaign.
Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy --- something like that.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
The worst thing about censorship is [deleted bycensorship bereau].
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
To err is human. And stupid.
You! Off my planet!
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
***** eric's 64 *****
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you'd be writhing on the ground in unspeakable agony, bleeding from every orifice, with your blackened skin falling away in ragged strips.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then namestreets after them.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
I am having an out of money experience.
If it weren't for halitosis, I'd have no breath at all.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
If it isn't Scottish ... it's CRRAAAPPP!
Meandering to a different drummer.
Never let a machine know you're in a hurry.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
SPELLING BEE CONFUSI0N
If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be:
If Fig Newtons are fruit and cake, then what the heck is Fruitcake? Hard candy? A door stop? Or is it perhaps just an attempt at throwing everything known to man in a jello mold under the guise that given enough sugar and nutmeg anything is possible?
Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
I wonder if jellyfish like peanut butter.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
I think we're all like cheese in a way, but I'll be damned if I know what that way is.
***** eric's 82 *****