A judge admonished the police in Radnor, Pa., for pretending a
Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officials had placed a
metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached the colander
to the copier with metal wires. In the copy machine was a typewritten
message: "He's lying."
Each time investigators received answers they didn't like, they
pushed the copy button and out popped the message, "He's
lying." Apparently convinced the machine was accurate, the
suspect confessed.
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick is this Bricklayer's
report.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor
Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when
weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using
a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the
sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down
and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent
of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting
form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,
I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was
now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone,
as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into
the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and
was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating
pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks
hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid
of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began
a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope.
There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer
going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black
and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten
or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing
a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer,
it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee
walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to
be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of
the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
Nostalgia: When you find
the present tense and past perfect.