Optimist : Sees the doughnut, not the hole.
Pessimist : Sees the hole, not the doughnut.
Realist : Sees both the doughnut and the hole.
Diplomat : Talks through the hole.
Dreamer : Only cares for the icing on the doughnut.
English Teacher : Checks the spelling of "doughnut."
Baker : His job is to make the doughnut.
Brady : His job is to make dough for Uncle Sam.
Mathematician : Is only interested in the topological properties of the doughnut.
Programmer : Worries that the crumbs will fall between the keys on the keyboard.
FORTRAN Programmer : Name "DOUGHNUT" too long.
COBOL Programmer : DOUGHNUT PICTURE 'O'.
Prolog Programmer : What is the domain of the doughnut?
BASIC Programmer : ? "doughnut";
PL/1 Programmer : DO NUT = ...
C Programmer : (void) doughnut()
Material Res. MTS : Invents new materials for making doughnut.
Astrophysicist : Postulates new doughnut hole in NGC256 galaxy.
NASA physicist : Recalls doughnut he forgot on the Hubble telescope.
Transmission Engr : Worries about how he can send you the doughnut.
Traffic Engr : Worries about how many he can send at one time.
Provisioning Engr : Worries about how to pack them in a box.
Planning Engr : Opens refrigerator to check how many there are.
Corporate Assets : Puts a barcode on the doughnut.
Project Manager : Worries about doughnut deliverable dates.
Businessman : One who sells you the doughnut.
Successful Businessman : One who takes the money, making you think that you already have the doughnut.
Very Successful Businessman : Makes you pay for the hole too.
User : Wants a doughnut.
Systems Engineer : Writes specifications for a bagel.
Systems Developer : Produces a tire tube. Then we plan for Release 2.
Capitalism : You buy a doughnut.
Socialism : The State gives you a doughnut.
Communism : The State sells you a doughnut.
Soviet Communism : The State sells you a doughnut, only there aren't any.
Labour Party Socialism : The State sells you a doughnut, only there aren't any, and it's all the Tories' fault.
Trades Union socialism : The State sells you a doughnut, and you go on strike.
Marxism : The State takes your doughnut away and gives it to someone who hasn't got a doughnut.
Stalinism : The State takes your doughnut away, eats it, and tells you that they gave it to someone who hadn't got a doughnut.
Bureaucracy : The State takes your doughnut away and then refuses to let you buy another doughnut because you already have one.
Fascism : The Storm-troopers eat your doughnut and shoot you.
Islam : The religious police beat you up and chop your hands off.
Thascism : You sell a doughnut and buy a bigger doughnut.
Thatcher : Nutritionally, Doughnuts are up 50% in real terms over the doughnuts produced during the last Labour government, etc.
Kinnock : Nutritionally, Doughnuts are down 50% in real terms over the doughnuts produced during the last Labour government, etc.
Edwina Currie : Doughnuts are infected with salmonella, tarantella, cinderella, valpolicella, winecella, rockefella etc.
Church of England : You know, in a very real sense, God is a doughnut.
Buddhism : God is a doughnut, and God is not a doughnut.
Confuscianism : Confuscius he say doughnut.
Zen : What is the sound of one doughnut clapping?
Catholicism : The priest blesses the doughnut and you mustn't chew it.
Christianity : I was hungry, and ye gave me a doughnut.
Fundamentalism : Doughnuts are an abomination unto the Lord, etc.
Dictatorship : Buy a doughnut, or else.
Mis-spelt : U bi er donut an u eet itt.
Scottish Nationalist : Ye wanna knaa aboot doughnuts? It's cos of they bastard English, that's why, an' fuck off the noo.
Welsh Nationalist : Onid oes chwarae maesteg doughnut llanfairpwll defaid.
Feminist : Wimmin, doughnut, repressed, sisters, male dominated, etc.
Loony : You are a doughnut. I am a doughnut. I am not a doughnut.
Poetry : You are/a doughnut./I am/a doughnut./I am/not /a doughnut.
Football : 'Ere we dough, 'ere we dough, 'ere we dough, 'ere we dough, etc.
Swimming : Blug blug blug blug fluffle doughnublug blug.
Cricket : Thanks to Mrs Emily Crunge of Lanarkshire for sending me these delicious cream doughnuts. I don't think there's been a >chomp< doughnut article quite like this since Flapjack posted one for the West Indies in 1823, and he >chew< went on to win the series by four wickets. He was left-handed, of course...